Low carb PAL! Persisitence, accountability and loyalty!

Humbled by my inabilites to get back on the proverbial low carb wagon, I am still determined to get it done!

2012-02-08T20:56:00.003-08:00

Haven't weighted officially in two weeks, however I still sneaked at my dads manual scales. One of those gigantic ancient one with a big dial and it shows no weight loss. So I am still hovering around 270 or in that range. I haven't binged in this period which is a progress altho a small one. Still a progress and I managed to keep it low carb. But I need to speed my progress. I have been stuck on this weight since I was 2 years old, lol at least it feels that way! I somehow need to dig deep within and find a motivation to take control of my life!

Here is how I plan to accomplish it for the next few days to get the scale moving again!

Qty
Unit
Calories

Raw Cauliflower11:41 p.m.
3
cup
72

Raw Turnips11:42 p.m.
0.5
cup
18

Chicken Breast, Baked (Tyson) ...11:43 p.m.
10
oz
386.9

Almond, Raw11:44 p.m.
0.6
oz
98.3

Olive Oil (Bertolli)11:46 p.m.
0.5
tbsp
60

Sardine, Maine, Canned In Wate...11:47 p.m.
1.7
oz
130.4

Eggs, Whole11:47 p.m.
2
eggs
142

On Whey Protein Shake11:48 p.m.
1
tbsp
106.7

Harvest Berry, Frozen, Bag, Or...11:49 p.m.
0.5
cup
32.5

Coconut Oil (Hain)11:50 p.m.
0.5
tbsp
60

Mid-Morning

Qty
Unit
Calories

Lunch

Qty
Unit
Calories

Afternoon

Qty
Unit
Calories

Dinner

Qty
Unit
Calories

Evening

Qty
Unit
Calories

Total Calories: 1106.8

Calories 1106.8
Calories from Fat 458.9
Total Fat 51 g
Saturated Fat 11.3 g
Cholesterol 662.1 mg
Sodium 836.7 mg
Carbohydrate 37.9 g
Dietary Fiber 11.5 g
Sugars 15.6 g
Protein 136.8 g
Vitamin A 550.9 UI
Vitamin C 175.2 mg
Calcium 180.6 mg
Iron -2.2 mg

Feeling blah!

2012-01-30T19:48:00.000-08:00

Today was a so so day today as far as eating clean is concerned. I did eat relatively low carb but did end up overindulging on quest bars. Ate three of them in one sitting and that's on top of dinner of two eggs and a can of sardines with 1oz of nuts. Better day tomorrow!

If I could select a movie title for my ever ongoing weight loss struggle what would it be?

2012-01-29T20:45:00.000-08:00

Hmm, good question Vadim! So what is it? I think the best title for that movie would be Gone with the wind!!!

Every time the wind of change brings some challenging times into my life my weight and therefore my body start to suffer. For years I let my emotional demons, my insecurities and my worries dictate my choices. My choice of food, my choice of work, my choice of partners.

And if there was one thing I could change about myself it would be an ability to believe in myself and my Gods given abilities even when e storm of change comes around bringing winds of fear and unknown. My fat belly, my fat hips is not so much a result of overindulgence and love of junk food per say. It's the direct result of my inability to handle life's changes in a way that I would advice my friends to do. If I only treated myself and my own body as I would my friends or other people that I love and respect.

If I only could start honestly loving myself! After all I think I deserve it. If I honestly could describe the qualities I love about myself it would be a very very long list. Much longer then a list of things I don't. But somehow I chose to focus my subconscious mind on my shortcomings rather cherish my good ones. And I chose to feed my negative emotions instead of learn how to love myself, my body and my imperfections.

Hence all my insecurities and fears. I must change my thinking, both conscious and unconscious. I must nut run from my problems but face them head on. There is no escape in junk any more! It's time to change buddy!

My lovely friend shezug from the the other side of the country challenged me to come up with some sort of challenge for the upcoming week. And I did. I am challenging myself to eat clean low carb food without counting calories or any sort of measurements including scale. And I promised to blog every day. So it starts here. I want to change!

Where there is a will there is a way! God, I need your help!

2012-01-28T16:30:00.000-08:00

I fell off again and hit the rock bottom yet again stuffing my face in junk. I have been eating my worries away. I don't know how I let it happen so fast. Addiction is a horrible disease. Before I knew it a week pass by , then another one and now I am back to 275 from 260 few weeks ago. I have had a hate and love relationship with my scale. I need to completely disassociate myself from scale and concentrate fully on eating for health. I owe it to myself, my family and my Mom! I promised it to her and she never thought I would deliver. And I didn't when she was still here but I have to do it. I am pushing 40, a very dangerous age for a man. My body was forgiven but how long can it forgive my abuse??? I must change!

My marriage to medifast has ended!

2012-01-24T05:43:00.000-08:00

After many attempts to reconcile our relationship I unilaterally decided to end my relationship with a great company called medifast. I spent thousands of dollars on this program but didn't manage to successfully follow through. And after thousands of dollars and wasted opportunities I have no other choice but call it quits. And the biggest reason being is that I can't simply afford any more. I was naive and stubborn into thinking I can make it work. But I couldn't. So losing my job seemed paramount sadness at the time and in this uncertain economy. But fear was always my biggest obstacle to overcome. Fear of dying prevented me from living fully, fear of failing prevented me from succeeding, fear of losing prevented me from gaining. So fear I must concur. And this is the next chapter of my life. I lost a job because I needed to start a new life. And hopefully it will be a blessing. As far as my diet is concerned I am going to the basics and employ my old friend low carb lifestyle. And it must be a lifestyle.

Current weight around 267 . I will blog more just to keep track and I hope I still have some following.

Dear blog!

2011-12-21T07:09:00.000-08:00

Dear body of mine! I am deeply sorry for using you as an experiment and human trash machine. You did let me know on numerous occasions that you had enough but I refused to listen. And even after all this abuse you are still giving me a chance even though I feel I am running out of time and your patience threshold. Therefore I am really serious this time to do my ver best to treat you with respect and care that you so deserved over the years! I am really grateful to you for being so forgiven!

Dear God I made promise after promise to you and Mom that I kept breaking. I feel terrible about it. Please forgive me and give me strength to do what I know I need to do deep in my heart! Please save me from myself when I am on a wrong path and I need you more then ever! I know you create every human with purpose. I know that you don't create junk so I don't want to turn your creation into junk either. I ate tons and loads of junk over the years but with your guidance and Moms love I can do it!

Dear warriors, I thank you all for supporting me in my times of hardships and not giving up on me!

For the first time in a long time I managed to stay somewhat fully on plan yesterday! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaapy! I threw away my expensive Tanita scale. I mean I placed it visibly in the garbage so someone else may find a more productive use for it. I have wii that I will use from time to time to see where my weight is but I want other markers and most importunely my health to guide me in my journey as far as success goes. Thank you for being here!

I now weight 275 pounds! Horrible!

Yesterday I also found out that my unemployment application was denied which is a huge bummer given the market and amount of bills I have. Fortunately I will move in with my sister while renting my house to keep up with mortgage. It's tough but I wanna learn to cope with emotional pin by not abusing my body with junk. It doesn't help! Only gives you split minute instant gratification but then.......

For the first time in a very long time I was able to turn this bad news into something positive. Oh yeah, I felt weak and lost for a few minutes. Scared, off course. After all I do have an expensive new car lease, a mortgage and few credit cards payments that I must keep up with. I also need to pay for my dentis and health benefits. But I managed to collect myself and use the emotional pain of uncertainties and fear turn into a triumph of victory for at least one day. And if I can do it for one day, I can do it for two! And if I can do it for two I can keep on going until I do it daily in the name of health! It's worth much more then thenother alternative!

Ouch!

2011-11-09T14:04:00.000-08:00

Ouch, ouch, ouch! I went to the dentist thi s morning at 11 and he was done with me at 2. he pulled the remaining of the tooth or more like q stubborn root and placed two implants. He was ruthless. I mean the tooth, dentist too by the way! I am in paaaaaaaaaain! And the lesson I learnt is to never ever ever see the YouTube video of how implants are done before the procedure. The dentist kept saying he never saw anyone receive so much anesthesia and still be in pain. He cut my gums with a blade...... Sorry girls! He gave me vicodin but I didn't take it. I hate meds. But I am taking antibiotics. On a positive note I can't eat for two days he said, lol. He said hard food though but I don't think I will eat anything. Just thinking about food makes me cringe. Is it true girls that tooth ache is wormy then pregnancy contraction? If so I don't think it's that bad, lol, at least it's manageable.. Ouch, ouch, ouch... What a he'll?! My pain again..... Ok, gotta go sleep it off. Later gang!

Did anyone notice I was gone?

2011-11-07T05:21:00.001-08:00

Vadim Chernov
I am sad! I weighted in this morning and it's 260! I gained a whooping 14 pounds in two weeks by binging my way out of medifast. But I learnt few new lessons and I relearnt old ones.
First, I am going to go to the OA meetings. I am an addict and there is no other way to put it. I am addicted to carbs and for me one is too many 100 is not enough. When I get in that mood my brain seems to just turn into an addiction mode and it becomes a wild ride where I eat a ton of garbage and I eat until I physically can't any more.

So my plan is:
1. Accept that I have a compulsive overeating disorder and seek help for it
2. Stick with medifast and in case of crisis eat extra protein and extra snack or eat sunflower seeds so I can both stay in ketosis and satisfy that oral fixation.
3. Not to dwell on my weaknesses and fight them but instead work with my strength.
4. Start seriously incorporating journaling my feelings.
5. Never ever, ever, ever, ever think I can eat a piece of cookie or just an ice cream and stop there. I simply can't eat them at all! Just like a person with severe allergic reaction wouldn't eat something they are allergic to I must retrain my brain to accept that I am allergic to junk food and bad carbs. Period! End of story! I simply can't eat it!

6. Pray!
7. Drink more water!
8. Go to sleep before 11 pm!

So here is my plan moving forward so help me guys help myself and help me God be my best!
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Angry update!

2011-07-27T05:12:00.000-07:00

I am angry, I will not allow my self-destructive twin to hold me prisoner any more! I just don't comprehend how easy it is for me to go back to my old ways once I am unhappy about something. I simply crumble like a cheap cookie and hide my emotions in junk food. It's not happening any more, at least for a while. I am on this weight loss crusade for my Mom who wanted to see me in shape. And if I can't do it for me I will do it for her. I seem to sabotage my efforts as soon as something goes against what I perceive should be the result. So without further damage this is my damage control plan:

1. Throw away my expensive scale. At least take the batteries out and stop weighing every day. I will do the same with my wii. Weigh in will only be done on a once a week basis.

2. Drink lots of water and not sugary diet iced tea.

3. Have all my medifast meals before 8 pm and have only lean protein with non-starch veggies after 8 pm.

4. Start some kind of physical activities after one full week of keto adaptation.

5. Stop reinventing wheels when I jump off the bandwagon so to speak. I tend to stop working the plan every time I go off the program. I will work the plan and continue on it even if and when I get off which happens from time to time.

I was doing quite well this week until I stepped on a wii scale Monday night and found out I was 6 pounds heavier then Sunday. And I followed the program that day. So instead of rationalizing the gain as simply water weight I decided to get frustrated and shove my face in a lot of carb loaded pita with cheese. It wouldn't be so bad but it continue the next day. I decided since I cheated and went off medifast the prudent thing to do was to fast for a day. And I did. But when I came back home after work I had this urge to peek at the scale to see if I lost all that extra weight form a night before. Instant gratification you know! And when I stepped on a scale it only showed a weight loss of two pounds and I was still four pounds or so heavier then on Sunday. So I did the next horrible thing I knew. I pigged out. And this time it was even worth then pita with cheese. I did feel a bit better afterwards, lol . But this morning I am bloated again and out of ketosis. And I weigh 257 pounds which is a net gain of five pounds since Sunday. I must reside my brain and change the way I look at things. It has been a loop long time coming. I am still ok with my efforts lately. After all I did manage to lose more then 20 pounds recently. But it's not enough. I must continue working the plan to get healthier and I am not exactly 25 any more to allow for these crazy fluctuations and body experiments. So starting today I am not weighing myself daily and will continue on medifast as best as I can and I know I am capable when I put my best efforts.

Update time!

2011-07-25T14:52:00.001-07:00

Here is my poor attempt at starting a videoblog! I guess its a work in progress lol

2011-07-13T15:19:00.002-07:00

2011-07-13T15:19:00.001-07:00

Is anybody there?

2011-06-30T14:47:00.001-07:00

After hyberntating for a few months I am back to some blogging. I am not sure if there are any people reading it at this point, but if any one of you are still lurking around let me know. My Mom had lost her battle with colon cancer and its still not registered in my head that she is gone. Weight wise I am doing much better> I promised Mom that I will get in shape and I will. So far I had lost about 15 pounds and now I am at 259 pounds. I am doing Medifast program with some additional modification as needed.

I'm fat, but I'm thin inside. Has it ever struck you that there's a thin man inside every fat man, just as they say there's a statue inside every bloc

2011-04-22T14:30:00.000-07:00

I am back to that proverbial square one! And I gained few pounds in the process agaaaaain. I weight 280 now, up five pounds from a month ago. I simply indulged few many times over the last two weeks. The stress at work, home and few other emotional let downs didnt help much. But all excuses aside I am still going to go on. No matter what I believe I will find my way to get in shape, drop the many pounds of fat and get healthier. The Passover teaches to be free of slavery, both on physical and spiritual levels. And God knows I must get rid of many things that enslave me. Is that a word, enslave? Hmmm. I must find a way to not be depend on food for comfort. I know its hard but its doable, at least eat the right food when in crisis, lol. The other day I was looking at my photos from Cancun vacation that I embarked on 13 years ago. And oh my, what a difference. BAck then I weighed 185-190 pounds and now I weigh 280. And back then I thought I was fat. I guess I didnt know what would have become of me in only 13 years. But the good thing is I am still capable and I still believe. So back to square one or to that stone that will one day look more like a stature, a stature of healthy looking Vadim, a more healthier and youthful me!

Happiness is a good health and a bad memory!

2011-04-06T14:32:00.000-07:00

I am still hovering at around 275 pounds. I did good for a few days but then the usual happened. No excuses though. I will take it though. I kind of seem to at least stop the wreck train from further damage. Still trying hard to get on a low carb sane wagon and stay there without cheating. I am not sure if it is psychological nut every time I go on a strict low carb regimen my gastrointestinal symptoms come back. I feel bloated, gasy and crampy. It also brings on some weird general body aches and fatigue. I am sure it has to do with adoptation period but psychosomatic can not be ruled out as well. I am still on with my medifast shakes plan, however not the way it was supposed to be. There are still plenty of food from Medifast left so I will continue to incorporate them into the low carb plan. On a personal note, I sold my 2010 Lexus and put them money into the mortgage. I leased a new 2011 Nissan JUke small SUV. I absolutely love it but it is very small. All my freinds made fun of me that I llok like stuffed potato in there. i feel quite ok except the seat. The front driver seat is kind of small for my big behind and I do get a bit uncomftable. However if positive reinforcement seems not to be good for me may be negative reinforcement will. If I gain more weight my ass will be hanging out of the car and that is illegal I think, lol. So I have to keep my weight moving downward and get rid of all those extra cushioning and I will!

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

2011-03-24T17:22:00.000-07:00

Kind of cruising alone on a semi-strict lower carb somewhat plan that seems to kind of give me a relative sort of break from compulsively obsessing about being perfect in a worll full of imperfection. I need to blog more often, but lately I have been stressed out, sleep deprived, sex- what????? somebody said sex, whats that? and on top of that all very drained emotionally. I need a vacation, a woman-girlfreind but I ll settle for just a woman, lol, not really I want a girlfriend and a companiona and a friend but I am too stubborn, too picky, too time deprived too old and too insecure. So I just need to work on getting my life on some kind of make sense route. Ok, that was a short blog. I will do a better job next time. Weight wise I lost a couple of pounds. So now I am at about 276 pounds ,thats a total loss of about 9-10 pounds in a few months. I ll take it. Hope you guys are doing better then I am.

Are we there yet?!

2011-03-14T17:46:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder how my brain really works, really?! I promised not to obsess with Medifast and try to follow it to a perfection. Why? Because it doesnt work for me! Its an excellent program but stress x two jobs x insane hunger patche at night x emotional demons= Medifast in a toilet! So what do I do? Do I finally admit to myself that I am a mature adult and not a stubborn teen who cant think rationally and rather thinks emotionally? No, I try and try and try again and again and again thinking this time is going to be different! And is it? Off course not, because insanity is a mentally retarded cousin of common sense. And I must be insane! I cant go on doing same things to only fail times and time again thinking I can and I will. I cant and I wont, at least for now, at least not in this physiologically and metabolically compromises shape I put my body in.

So I solemnly swear:

1. Not to weigh myself until March 31
2. Continue to eat Medifast meals but supplement it with unlimitted amount of low carb foods, preferably lean and green version
3. Blog more often

Weight= 281.5 pounds

Today I ate:

5 medifast meals= 550 cals: 75 grams protein and 6070 grams of carb minus 20 grams of fiber
10 oz or so grilled chicken with

A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.

2011-02-28T12:27:00.000-08:00

Past is history, future is mystery and today is a gift therefore we call it The Present! I dont know who said it but it is so wise and true. Well.... in my case I hope its true. I would never keep this blog going if I wasnt true to myself. I cant lie here. If for any other reasond then keeping a journal of my past failures. I had a bad weekend diet wise. Completely lost site of my weaknesses and let myself go indulging in horrific food choices. I cant dwell on it. Today is today and I am restarting my ever so long journey to health and fat loss. I am huuuuuuungry now even as I type this entry. However it is an amazing thing to be able to contain it during day time and totally succumb to it at home at night. There has to be an explantation as far as will power being there during the day and going on vacation during the night. Anyway, i decided to recommit to Medifast..agaaaaaain. I know, i know that insanity definition was taken from my life. But something tells me I can still do it. I will tweak it a bit off course along the way if I need to, but I still wanna see if I can do it right at least for a week. May be I really cant, may be i can but not now when I am so stressed at times and overwhelmed with many things including my mom's declining health and middle age crisis kind of thing. But I still believe..... I still believe in myself and despite all my past failures on many fronts I still know the final battle hasnt been lost yet. I gained weight during this past few days and now weigh 281.5 pounds.

Weight= 281.5 pounds

Today's food:

1. Medifast pomegrante whey shake= 90 calories
2. Medifat blueberry oatmeal= 110 calories
3. Medifast apple cinammon oatmeal= 110 cals
4. Medifast chocolate crunch bar = 110 cals
5. Medifast chocolate pancake ( my favorite 0 = 110 cals

+ one lean and green meal 3 eggs and spinach with mushrooms with low carb salad dressing = 300 cals

Total cals= 930 cals ; protein= 95 grams ; carbs= 75 grams fiber= 22 net carbs=53 grams

2 teaspoond canola oil= 100 cals

I got wii wii! Some good and bad news to share!

2011-02-17T14:44:00.000-08:00

I did go to the BJ and bought me a Wii console with wii fit plus package. I am not much of a video game person at all but this thing is really really cool. I played lots of sports and I loved baseball and boxing. Funny thing happened last night/this morning. I played boxing with wii for about 6 minutes. I had a good time and the second I won the opponent got better and quicker and I really had to bounce and jab and dunk and hit and hit hard to win. After I did beat the guy down I was tired. Next day I felt this weird stiffness/pain in my back and shoulders. It was not pleasnat at all. I kept thinking in my head where I could have possibly hurt my back. finally after giving it some thought I attributed it to my laryngitis / cold I had been fighting with for about three weeks. Later that day a friend of mine called me on a phone. He is a licensed physically therapist. during our brief conversation I described my weird pain to him. He asked me if I was doing any physically activities prior or lifted anything heavy and I responded no. I totally dismissed Wii as a possible cause of my pain. After few minutes of interrogation I did recall my wii experience and told him about when all of a sudden I realized it. Yes, it was! So now I am a total believer! Wii does get your body moving and its awesome if one applies him or herself. This morning I was playing baseball and tennis and I loved it. Baseball totally rocks. I kept swinging the bat away for 20 minutes and i was totally out of breath. And to top it off I connected my Wii fitness plus board and did a few run/laps with an imaginary buddy dog. I was cooked in a few minutes of running in place. And it has a cool function called fitness bank credit where it gives fitness credit for exercising every day. How cool is that?!

As far as my diet goes the news is not good. Even though I do follow medifast during the day I cant seem to keep it going during the night hours at home. But I still managed to lose a few pounds even after eating everything during night hours. I was suprised. But I must get more discipline keeping the plan as it is meant to be. It is too expensive to just use it sporadically so hopefully I will concur the way to be more strict. I will still eat five medifast meals but instead of coming home and pig out I will stick to just liberal amount of low carb food. this way its a win win situation since Medifast is a low carb plan and gets you in ketosis. So being in ketosis and eating turkish bread fried in coconut oil with melted grilled cheese with a glass of milk at night isnt really smart is it?! Well hopefully I will mend that.

Weight= 276 pounds ( 4 pounds loss in three weeks or so)

You wii, I wii, we all wii for some good memory!

2011-02-01T18:24:00.000-08:00

I think my blog journey migh have come to the end. I had managed to lose all my supporters, lol. And whos fault is that? Mine! I had a wonderful time bloggin in here and having found good people who are like minded in many ways and share my struggles with weight. I will still update it here and there so if you are still around, check it out periodically! Thank you for being there and rooting me on!

Update! Weight= 280 pounds I havent gained at least, lol!

Since Monday I am back on semi-medified Medifast plan. So far so good! I am eating five medifast meals and as much as protein as I feel like it. this change alone brought some very needed sanity. Instead of being obsessive about eating an extra bite of protein I decided to liberate myself from feeling guilty and eat as much protein as needed. I will however stay on plan as far as carbs. One major change for me that will in no doubt be challenging will be weighting only once a month! Period! My biggest detractor and weight loss hinder is scale. I am done, so done with weighting every day or even once a week. I simply will do my best and weigh once a month so this way even if I cheat or get offit will be easier to just dust off and start over. I must not let scale subotage my effort. We ll see how it goes.

Another thing I am contemplating is getting Nintendo Wii console with fitness plus . It looks like many people are overly excited about it and many even swear by it. Speaking of a game console have you checked out a new xbox 360 kinect console. Its awesome. And I am not even a big game person. But the new technology that Microsoft incorporated into new Xbox kinect is simply speechless. Its a combination of two video cameras and fourty sensor that scan your whole body allowing you becomeing a controller. And when you play games or do Biggest Looser game your whole body is involved instead of just using controller. Its awesome, but costs a little more then Wii and for my purposes might be simply unneccessary. But its cool. And it takes pictures of you while you dont expecxt it and saves them. It really is amazing.

New update!

2011-01-20T17:51:00.001-08:00

I have been sick with a bad case of cold/bronchiati for the past week. So naturally my appetite wasnt there and I decided to use it to my advantage. So I gave a MEdifast one more good , old try. Sicne I have $500 worht of food, why not? First three days were a breezer, I even had to force myself to eat. And I lost about 6 pounds in the process. But today, thursday was much tougher. Thursdays are always a killer for me. But today I did something I hadnt been able to do for the looooooongest time and that is to manage cheating a bit without resorting to a guilt/binging all or nothing technique that soem of you might be familiar with. I did cheat today here and there. I ate tai chicken with grilled vegetables which in itself isnt bad, but I ate a ton of it. And later today I ate one samll yogurt because I was craving sweets. However I stopped myself from any further damage by breathing in and out and using reasoning instead of instant gratification. Was I pissed? Yes! I was inititally! After all I wanted to do a whole week without cheating. But a bit of cheating is much different from a looooooot of cheating, wouldnt you agree? So I still consider it a victory, a small one! I decided to update my progress weekly if there are any. I am still not certain what plan I will embark on. I think it might be a combination of Medifast and other low carb foods as needed.

Current weight= 280 pounds ( 5 pounds lost ) first time in many months!

Ok, my dear and valuable friends if I have any left, this is my plan!

2011-01-14T15:14:00.000-08:00

If I listed all my plans and challenges and failures I would have to spend a day doing it. But this is not about my past failures, this post is about moving forward. In not so recent past I bought a lot of Medifast packages and I still have about $500 worth. I contemplated on attempting to do full version of Medifast agaaaaain but given my success record I am putting a stop to it. Its mind verses heart kind of deal. My heart still want to concur it but my mind knows better. I am not ready for that drastic change of pace. But here is what I am ready to do:

1. Release about 120 pounds of blubber that is killing me
2. Start walking again
3. Stop obsessing over being perfect since nothing about me is and that is not exactly a bad thing.
4. Get some kind of stress relief coping mechanism to prevent me from emotional eating
5. Keep a blog or journal on more consistent basis.

Here is the nutritional plan.

1. Alternate between Medifast semi-fasting day and an unlimitted paleo day to follow.
2. On down day, eat five Medifast meals
3. On up days eat unlimitted amount of fish, lean meats, vegetables, fruits and low fat dairy
4. On up days eat moderate amount of bitter chocolate, cheese and nuts if needed.
5. No bread, no grains and no porcessed carbs on up days.

That is it in a nutshell. My curernt weight= 284 pounds.

New Year, same experiences!

2011-01-11T15:35:00.000-08:00

Today is January 11, 2011 and I am still struggling to get back on either low carb or some sane, healthy plan. At times I seem to have grabbed bull by its strong horns to only see this ugly bull come back. Overall I havent gained any more weight and still somewhat at 280 sh pounds. But it is totally a bummer. I need to get fit and release at least 100 pounds of ugly, visceral fat from my organs. I feel its suffocating me. But every time I do go on some kind of sane plan my body sabotages my effort. My IBS/some nasty gastrointestinal/near fainit/heart palpitations are back and it totally screws me up. I know I am the only one to blame as I literally poisoned my body for so long. However, I hope I am still capable of changes. I need it. I need to regain control about my eating and make a livable lifestyle nutritional plan I can live with. And I also need to find whats ailing me. I start having stronger and stronger suspicion it is indeed IBS and anxiety caused by abise, negligence and postponing healthy living until Tomorrow, New Year or some other dates. I must stop crazy obsesssion with scale and with perfection. Every time I follow a plan, it has to be perfect and if its not I just snap and eat like a pig becoming primitive reptile whos only purpose is instant gratification and a full stomack. Damn, I so crave the day when I will stop this all or nothing behavior and just eat to live and the other way around. Its been way overdue!

Can one have a cake and eat it too?!

2010-12-24T06:42:00.000-08:00

Ok, this may sound unrealistic but according to the author of the book the Alternate Day Diet, Dr Johnson, it's not only possible but preferable. I stumbled upon this book by reading one of the comments left by none other then pooti on a Jimmy Moore food blog. She highly recommended this book. Upon further investigation I discovered that pooti lost a lot of weight following this program. I remember how strict and religious she was about low carb regimen to a point where she followed almost zero carb lifestyle and yet saw no results. I was intrigued to have found out how well she is doing on CRON type of diet which si
y stands for calorie restriction optimum nutrition. I just finished reading the book and it makes so much sense. d
Dr Johnson readjusted the calorie restriction plan to fit his own lifestyle and it worked like a manic for him and his many clients. The premise of this plan is simple: one alternates between no limit food consumption one day to be followed by a very low calorie consu
prion the next. My favorite book on diet of all time is Okinawa diet. I was also fascinated with Okinawian lifestyle. If you haven't read about these amazing people I highly recommend you do so. They are the longest living human species with the most centerians per capital in the world with no nursing homes for elders, their culture doesn't allow it. I am itching to give this lifestyle a big fat effort. I am being realistic though, I have before with mixed results. However I will never quit and I have this eternal belief that one day I will find the way. I am now at 285 pounds and I got there by being so irresponsible to my body that it would take a long time to write, may be one day I ll recount it just so I can visibly see how much junk I fed my own self. Self-destructive behavior at it's worst. So are you ready to join the calorie restriction society, Jimmy Moore once asked? He gave the resounding no answer, however all weight loss diets must operate on that premise and there is more and more evidence that longevity and health are as well. Yes, low carb may indeed have an upper hand in controlling hunger better but in the end it's still lower calorie consumption to be successful. So I say a resounding yes to Dr Johnson and hopefully once again I ll be roaming my own self induced destructive behavior world or...... Or I may find that this time it's all going to be different and I will have found the way!

Humbled by own failures I am still determined to fight for the WAY!

2010-12-09T16:50:00.000-08:00

It has been one rough year. I gained enormous amount of weight and currently weigh 285 pounds. I can site many reasons why I got to that point but I would rather concentrate on why not I lost as I was planning. I failed to care and everyday was becoming more and more disenchanted with my own body thinking that tomorrow is a new beginning. But it never arrived. Tomorrow did, but new beginning didnt. Medifast become way too much to handle and complimenting it with low carb meals became too hard to swallow because of my pride. I so wanted to succeed on Medifast, after all others did. But every time something would impinge my effort and I went on a horrific binge. I ate so much junk in the past months that listing it would be a crime against human imagination so I will spare the details. Just imagine your own worst binging memories and multiply it by few folds and you will start approaching my recent reality of the past months. However this post is not about the past, its about the future. I still dont how to proceed. But I will take it one decision, one meal at a time and see what happens. I still have lots of medifast meals left so I will continue consuming them and hopefully complimenting them with low carb/ paleo meals as I once planned. So help me God!

If I woke up happy I didnt wake up yet! My demons are widely awake now!

2010-10-13T16:47:00.000-07:00

No excuses! I blew it again big time! I was doing great for a few days and..... Thank you guys for your support! Harry wrote something that made so much sense the other day. He said instead of taking it one day at a time just take it one decision at a time. Its a perfect strategy and a winning one. I hope one of these days I will concur my weaknesses and addictions and use them as just bad experiences!

Shishhhhhhhh! Can it really be happening?

2010-10-10T17:07:00.001-07:00

Today is my day 2 on Medifast plan agaaaaaaain! So after all these miserable failures I have survived day 1! And it wasnt bad. It seems like my emotional demons went to sleep at least for a day. It wasnt easy but it was managable. I planned my meals ahead and ended up having my last meal at 8 pm. I spent yesterday in the Pocono mountains in PA where I recently purchased a land and a trailer in a wonderful eagle Lake community. Its simply a getaway place from NYC on weekends into the wilderness of nature. There is plenty of beuaty to go around with falling automn leafs and fresh crispy air. So after having a last meal for the day at 8 pm I headed to Mohegan Sun casino and spent about 4 hours gambling. I was loosing in the beginning but then hit $500 and got my money back plus some. By the time I went home at about 2 am I was very hungry but went to bed and called it a day. So for the first time in a very loooooooooooong time I did manage to make it one perfect day on plan. Today is day 2 and is definitely tougher. I probably entered mild ketosis and I have a bad headacke. Day 3 which is tomorrow is supposed to be the hardest, but for now its day 2! it seems like my emotional demons are at bay, at least now at the moment so shishhhhh dont wake them up! But in the very least it gives me hope. If I did it for a day I can do it for another and another and another.......

When you are in ahole, why dig further or why I need to learn how to close the loop!

2010-10-05T16:25:00.000-07:00

I failed. Again?! Again, you ask?! Yes, again! I had an emotional episode and boom..... I binged. So after I binged, I felt guilty. After I felt guilty I felt weak and menless and when I felt that I binged again. So I ended up in a big hole, a dark one with feeling of shame, no will power and low self-esteem. While I was laying in that hole I got hungry. So I ate again, binging that is! So after I was done with self-pity and feeling hopeless I got angry. So somewhere between feeling hopeless and angry a plan was born. I just need to learn how to close the loop when I get off the plan, thats all. So instead of All or Nothing attitude I must learn that failing is a part of being human and that success is just another side of failing and that without failures growth is impossible. So yes I failedtime and time again but.... But I am up again and dreaming. Dreaming that I can concur my demons and find the way to a happier, more balanced life and me!

Today I am starting over the Medifast plan. I am planning on having 5 medifast meals during the day and one lean and green meal at night exactly as the plan describes. However my demons come out mostly at night when I go home from a long day watching TV. So if that happens I will just succumb to healthier choices like protein beef jerky or eggs or nuts. I am 272 pounds which is so unacceptable. Plus lately I have been feeling fatigued all the time and my stomack issues arosed again.

But my next biggest challenge is not to weight myself for at least a week, NO MATTER WHAT< SUCCESS OR FAILURES! So starting today I just want to eat and eat for physilological reasons rather then emotional. Thats my plan!

Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"Patient:oh at least I dont have Cancer!

2010-09-30T14:39:00.000-07:00

I went to my family physician today and the whole conversation was very uncomftable from a get go. Not only he scolded me for gaining 30 pounds since the las visit which is fine but practically gave me an ultimatum. Comply with me or get out! Are you serious?! What a bully! Even a year ago I would simply let him have it and storm out, after all I am paying him not the other way around. But today I just took it all in and listened. After all I deserved it. He said at my 38 years old I shouldnt be anywhere near so many symptoms. My blood pressure was 140 over 90 which is unusual even for my weight since my BP rarely goes above 120. I guess it could be the white coat syndrome. He didnt want to hear me and told me to start taking Metoprolol every day which is both a BP medication and a beta blocker causing adrenalin blocking effect. So it could also help out with my emotional issues. He also prescribed bunch of heavy duty antibiotics for H.pylori which I inciently found. He also prescribed Zoloft for my anxiety and IBS. I was like, wait a minute dude I aint taking so many pills. And thats when he lost his cool telling me I am stubborn, fat and know it all. I was shocked, he literally said it just like that. But it doesnt bother me. What I have been doing to my own body is far worth then his words. I created a bed in which I am sleeping. yes, may be he had no right to demean me andf be so harsh, but I dont care about political correctness. I want to get better. Currently its just a big mess I got myself in. To be continued......

Oh my! I am soooooooooooooooooo insanely stubborn! Back to square 1 agaaaaaain!

2010-09-29T17:32:00.000-07:00

As I was laying in my bed watching TV there it was staring at me. I could ignore it, I could turn the other way, but I didnt. There it was a whole unused box of Medifast foods. All I kept thinking was I cant believe spending more then a thousands dollars to gain somewhat of 50 pounds. I tried and tried and failed and failed. This plan has great reviews, people who persevere with it all swear by it. So why couldnt I just suck it out I kept saying? And the more I kept analizing my former challenges and all those failures the more I kept thinking what October said, that is wasnt my willpower or lack of discipline. It was all my emotional demons. And this morning I got up having a new compromised plan in mind. And I will call it An October plan! First, because its October who suggested it and second because October is around the corner and why not make a special month, a month of a new beginning a month of more sanity rather then that thing that you keep doing it expecting different results. I will compromise and instead of trying to fail I will eat to win. I will be using my Medifast meals 5 times like I am supposed to on Medifast plan but instead of having one additional meal and no snacks I will have no limitation on additional meals or snacks but will keep them low carb. So instead of coming home with a ravenous hunger and trying to keep at bay I will have a low carb meal and a snack to keep my demons happy yet not binging thinking I failed. And hopefully it will bring me back to sanity and move my weight down. I am currently at 270 pounds. Its simply unbelievable!!! But unlike Jimmy Moore I have only me to blame. I got to this weight by eating enormous amounts of bad carbs and fast food meals. I must stop this insane dead end subconscious subotaging where I need to be perfect. Every bite of food off the plan turned out to be an extra 2000 calories of junk food simply because I had an extra bite. I will be posting more often if people are still reading, lol.

You never know what a new tide will bring! A tide that came today!

2010-09-20T16:33:00.000-07:00

Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur had all but zoomed by and even though I am not a religious person, I consider myself a spiritula guy. I know, I know for some its very confusing consept. But for me its not. If an allien descended on earth and you would have to explain to him why there are so many religions and how to chose a right one, it would not be simple. By the way an allien can also be a woman, lol, I just realized that! But for me its simple! Be kind, be forgiven, be compassionate and love the gift of life behaving in a such a way that you make this earth a better place or help those who need it as much as you can. I may not follow the scripture but I follow my heart and soul! I believe in human soul even though we may not see, feel or touch it. There is a anecdote about that. One cardiac surgeoun is arguing with a rabbi. He tells him, listen I have been operating on many humans and I am yet to see a soul there! On which another doctor, defending the rabbi sais: listen, I am a brain surgeon and have been operating on human brains all my life and I am yet to see a mind! So not to make it very deep or long, lol I just finished observing Yom Kippur which is considered the holiest day of the Jewish calendar year. Its a day of repentance a day on which God decides your fate for the following year. Many Jews greet each other by saying May you be entered in a book of Life" on this day. But for me its a day of fast, a day of spiritual observance. I usually think about my passed relatives who lived before me and this year i thought about few young people who passed at such a young age. On this day one is supposed to abstain from any food , water or work for a period of 25 hours. I have been observing this fast for many years now but this year given the circumstances and my inability to stick with any plan or eat sensible for more then few hours I had my doubts. But if anything else I wanted to see if I could stick to a plan given its meaning. Once I couldnt be selfish and satisfy my demons. Once it had to be about something bigger then myself or my excuses or my weaknesses. It was more then instant gratification or self-medication by food. It was simply a day of inner peace and tranquility a day of soul search and cleansing so to speak. And little did I know that it was going to be that easy. Yes, i did have occasional hunger panges but it was not even a thought in my mind to eat or drink. I did it and it was easy , a 25 hours fast without water or food! And the most important lesson I learnt once more is that its so much easier for me to serve or to stick to something for others then do it for myself. Or so I thought. The fast was over at 8 pm Saturday. I spent this day in deep Pocono mountains with my sister and my brother in law as well as my Mom and Dad. My Mom kept saying how enormously big I had become and my sister kept screaming at me every time I lifted my shirt saying I looked like a person on TV on that Biggest Loser show. When we finished fasting, everyone had a nice dinner by having BBQ chicken wings on an open fire. And I thought, ok this is the beginning of my new chapter a new life, one without resorting to junk food as my healing and emotional friend. But soon enough I found mysef weak for a peace of donught that my siter was eating and a sppon of ice cream that my father ate. And before I knew it, I was binging again! Ice cream, bagels with cream cheese, more ice cream, sandwithces with cheese followed by more ice cream. Next day my Mom was crying secretly on a couch. She had deteriated and lost so much weight that she doesnt look herself. Her chemo is not working and her extensive advanced tumor is now growing again. She has been through so much from chemo to chemo, from surgery to another surgery. From radiation tehrapy to more chemo. For the past year since she was diagnosed she has been in hell and back but through it all she remained the strongest and best woman I have ever seen. She remained a wife an mother and a freind. She still cooked even though I gave her hard times about it. She wanted my father who is sick himslef to be fed. So through all these trials and tribulations she kept her spirits up and her resolve strong. She never cried my Mom in open. But last night she was in so much pain that tears just rolled down her fragile body. I couldnt deal with it and broke down too. I love my mom so much and am not ready to lose her. She has been the backbone of our family and she has been my freind. Seing her so weak and hopeless made me vulnerable and at times too weak. I cant even imagine how much she suffers and how much she hates being in this condition. Some days she catn even make it out of bed! And she hates me gaining weight. She wants me to be fit and healthy! And there were so many times I pomised and swore to myself that I will do it , if not for myself then for my mom's sake. And the more I promises the more I failed, the more my self-esteem and my confidence shattered. I was simply a failure on so many levels at subconscious level. And the way I compensated was by eating and eating and eating and eating more! It wasnt that I was husngy. I was simply crying from inside out and junk food was a freind, even though we all know how dillusional that line of thinking is. So today is Monday and no more pormises. Its a new day, a new beginning. And now weighting at 270 pounds its a new challenge for my body. I am surrounded by so much of food every day and today was no exception. While I was munching on Medifast oatmeal and portein shake my coworkers were having chinese food left over from all these meeting we have here at then Student Life Departmetn I work for. The another meeting ended and there were pizza and chicken quazadia. Or how much I love that! But for one day I said no to all food except my own. And for one day I won. I dont know how long it will last or what tomorrow will bring but today and today only its a new tide and tomorrow is a new one and I dont know what it'll bring. But I pray it lasts, the tide that came today!

Does a rock bottom have a dimension?

2010-09-09T16:26:00.000-07:00

I thought I hit the rock bottom few weeks ago. But I am continuing my free fall as my weight had plummeted all the way to 265 pounds. I dont even know what to say any more. But I know one thing and that it can still be a learning lesson somehow. I did attempt to go back to low carb, oh I did. But the symptoms were intolerable and I cant seem to do it half way. Its either I go fully or I dont and binge. In any case this is a good time to just sit back and contemplate on why I am where I am and most importangly how to get out of this dark place. I still believe though that one day it will happen. Thanks for still being there, I know few people still check this blog lol and I do appreciate it!

Back to the nature for solutions!

2010-08-31T17:39:00.001-07:00

more then $1200 later and weight gain I am back to where I started. Medifast is a wonderful program, however after so many tries I officially call it quits! I just couldnt stick to it. It might be a combination of things, but then again in the end it all came out to inability to sustain hunger. I am going through a lot emotionally but if I earned a dollar for every time I used it as excuse I am pretty sure money would be no problem in my life at all. I have been so rediculously irresponsible with my food selection it is not even worth mentioning it. Worst binges of my life, basically I just caved in to feeding my inner devils with pure junk. I would consume upwards of 5 ice creams daily along with nightly MCdonalds and other crap. So I am back at 260 pounds. Its a lot of weight to be carrying around! I still have lots of medifast boxes left over so I am still debating if I should sell it on ebay or just use it along with paleo style diet that works for me. I am going back to low carb as it is the only feasible way for me to at least stay where I am. My goal for the foreseebla future to relearn feeding my body with good , natural food to be satisfied. Thats the plan!

Monday, a new day! Will I make it pass Thursday this time?!

2010-06-28T15:58:00.001-07:00

I had a bad ass weekend. I woke up all fatigued on Saturday morning feeling like a 95 year in a 127 years old body. On top of everything else my scale was playing with me too. I just lost it. Kept eating the worst junk on a planet earth! Went back to bed! Woke up later Saturday afternoon, felt like earlier was actually heaven. Couldnt move out of bed, everything hurt! Even my tongue! So I ate the worst junk again. Felt asleep, woke up later that evening and felt like 127 years old in a 295 years old body. Then came Sunday, felt a bit better! Today is Monday, feeling better. The cold residual effect is still there. But I am back on Medifast, hopefully I can at least make it pass day 4 which seems to be a cursed mark. Then again, I dont stress it. I believe!

Had a fight with my boss, got emotional and fell off the plan afaaaaain! But not to worry, it wasnt all that bad!

2010-06-24T16:03:00.000-07:00

I want to share an email I sent one of my supervisors after having a verbal disagreement with her at work. I got emotuional since she kept telling me I dont respect women. And this is an email I sent her. As far as my medifast goes, I slipped again. But I still managed to eat semi-helathy low carb with a few more rasberries than I would have wanted. But all in all it wasnt that bad!

Meg, thank you for your response. I am sorry it took me this long to get back to you. I had a revelation today and I believe it might change my life for the better. When I read your response last night it made me stop and think hard and long! I think the key word in your email was the phrase for the 100 th time! Albert Einstein once famously defined insanity as doing same thing over and over and over expecting different outcome. Knowing I am not insane, it had to be something else that makes me stubborn and resistant to change. I took a long walk this morning before heading over to the medical comittee for my accident. And all I kept thinking was how come I am reluctant to do what I was told to do. And it hit me at that moment! It was an enlightment! All this time I was listening to you without hearing you. There is a big difference! i know I respect you, I know I know you are 100 times wiser than me when it comes to administrative tasks. So why am I not hearing you I kept asking it? And thats when it hit me. Was it that I do have a problem with women being in charge? I kept denying. No way, I said! I love women, I hold women in highest regard!!! I know you told me I do have a problem with women and I know I kept dismissing that notion with all my might. I even got defensive and upset when you mentioned it. And thats a clue right there. Whenver I get defensive and emotional about something it is a red flag that I might be afraid to admit my wrongs! Its kind of a defensive mechanism. But why do I need this mechanism? Why is it I cant just accept that I may not be adequate in certain areas and need improvement? And the more I kept analizing and scrutinizing it the more I understood that it was all about control. I was afraid to let a woman being in control. It was on subconscious level. Consciously I was denying it, but you cant deny subconscious mind. I remember back in my psychology class I was told tha every time you want to check whats on your subconscious mind all you have to do is to just suspend thinking process. In other words just shut off logic and let your mind come up with the first thing once given a word. Its called association or free floating exercise. So I found a quite place under a tree, took a deep breath and suspended my logic and thinking. I let it go trusting this exercise without having fear what would come out of it. But little did I know it was going to lead to revelation! After sitting quitely and finding my balanced breath, i knew I was ready to go. So I said the word: Women! What came next was amazing. These were the words that kept coming to my head: sex, annoying, demanding, elephant memory, party poopers, anal about little things making elephant out of a fly, shopping, money, emotional, controlling, jeolous! Then I thought of words that I associate with word " Man" and here are the words that came up; fun, sport, beer, letting go, friends, loyalty, fun, fun, fun, fun! Oh my God I said! There was not one flattering thing I could come up with about women! But how can it possibly be when I hold women in such a high esteem? So at that moment I knew and accepted the fact that You were right! i do have issues with women being in any kind of control and that obviously means women in supervising position. It wasnt easy to realize but it was true. I know its still on sub level but it needs to be destroyed. I need to destroy that line of thinking and being aware of it and admitting it is the first step in the right direction! Thats where the constant need to be right in arguing with women was born, in my subconscious mind shaped none other than my culture and upbringing. I was taught in early age by my cultural values that being a Man means being in constant control. It also means being tough and hold your emotions in check. It means a Man is not to cry ever! A man is not let women control him ever! And so on and so on! So on one hand I was by nature nurturing my sensitive side and inate need for justice and equality and on the other I was feeding my sub evil mind keeping steretypical opinios going about women! Thats why I was laughing like an idiot while watching Titanic when everyone was crying! How could I cry, I am a man! It was a stupid defensive mechanism at work. Sure I wanted to cry, i wanted to cry like I never wanted before. But I couldnt let my ex-gfriend see that. All these years I kept being in denial and more than anything in denial of being who I am! I am not a bigot! I am not insensitive. I dont believe a woman cant be in control! I do believe that emancipation was the best thing ever in history of mankind. I do believe women are stronger emotionally than men. I do believe women are loving, nurturing and caring. Not all, not all the time, but most, and most of the time. Once a French psychiatrist famously siad" Give me a child young enough and I will make anything you want out of him or her! " It is true, we are priducts of our childhood and environment, or at least it has a lot to do with it! I know I am getting out of hand writing this email, but it was important for me to do so. I am not even going to spell check it becuase if I go back and edit it, I will delete the whole thing. And may be it would be a wise thing, lol, but I wanted to write it all out.

I remember once I took my ex-girlfriend to the movies. We used to always fight when going to the movies. We were different about everything, even when it came to movies. We never saw eye to eye, God how did it last as long as I did? Amazing, I must be an angel, lol!!! So one rainy night we went out to see a movie. She insisted on seing some idiotic, senseless drama that I had no intrest in. At least it was senseless and idiotic in my humble opinion. I was like, listen lady life is drama enough and I dont want to be exposed to it in the movies while paying a fortune for both of us. So why dont we do the next best thing and just split the fun?! You go see your drama and waste my money and I will go see my comedy! She kept lecturing me on how it is important for a couple to go together. I wasnt having any of it. But finally I realized I was going to pay for it later! She was in a great mood and wanted to continue the romantic evening at her place. So I abruptly stopped fighting and said, you know what lets go see your wonderful drama while thinking lets go see your wasteful crap for you and later reward for me! All of a sudden she hugged and kissed me saying how wonderful and sensitive I really am. Then out of a blue she started bringing up a fight we once had in November 1435 at 2 am when it was raining outside and the blind man was walking his dog. Dont you remember you said something hurtful and made me feel like shit while never appologizing for it?! First, I was like are you for real my love? How can I remember something that happened last decade when I barely remember what color of underwear I put on this morning? But it was leading nowhere good for me so I being a gentleman decided to appologize for it. She hugged me again and said" But do you now remember what you are appologizing for? I said not reallly and she became upset saying I was acting immature and shouldnt appologize when I dont mean it. I lost control and yelled at her saying, listen all I want is to go see my comedy, enjoy it, say a few good compliments to you , get invited to your place, drink a few beer and have a passionate moment in bed. Then I want to peacefully retire to sleep. Thats what I really want and I wont be appologizing for it. Needless to say it led me nowhere that night except home alone in my bed!!! I knew then that women and men are just two different species. I called her this morning and we had a nice chat. I asked her if she believed I was afraid to let a woman being in control? She didnt take a second and said You think???? I said ' can you elobarate? She was more than happy to do so! she asked me if I ever held a women' hand in public? I said no, thats not manly! She asked me if I was ever comftable hugging a woman , I said no! And then she asked me a question that summoned up the whole conversation. She asked me if I ever let the woman be on top???? Thats when the revelation hit me! I am sorry for TMI but in four years of our relationships that was the biggest challenge for he. I never ever in my adult life let a woman be on top. That was a taboo! No matter what she did, it wasnt happening even if it meant going home along and hit a cold bed! Thats how I knew i have a problem. So I will not work on it hard. I will let a woman being on top and who knows, may be, just may be I will realize its not so bad!!!

Meg, the table tennis was a bad example. No, they are fine. It was just about me exaggerating. The stage was all cleared up. I was talking about the gym stage before Kristen came. We used to have few benches there that were broken. When I asked Ariel who told him to put it there, he mentioned Regina okeyd it. I suggested it wasnt the best diet since someone might stumble over it but she suggested it was neatly placed in the corner. it was later removed.

Thank you!

Just an update!

2010-06-23T17:48:00.000-07:00

I will be back soon updating my blog. I have failed Medifast few times, however I am back at it again and I know it will be here to stay. I love the program. First few days are rough but then it gets easier. Its all a mental game. Today is my day 3 back and so far so good. I even managed to ride through it while going through very emotional stress at work. Usually I dont survivie those moments without some kind of pure poison indulgement. So I am optimistic! Even with all of my failures I still havent gained while being on and off Medifast. I managed to keep off 7 pounds weight loss for a month almost while going crazy on junk for days in a row and when I say going crazy I mean it. To the point where I literally made myself sick eating cookies, ice cream, pizza and fried rice. My high are usually low nowadays and my low are usually so low that I see Hell from there! Anyway, I am still keeping positive attitude. Call me crazy , but I know I will be successful!

As soon as I made first two baby steps forward I fell right off and rolled down the hill fast and furious right to where I started!

2010-06-05T19:59:00.000-07:00

GRRRRRRRRRRRR! Its insanity! I fell off the medifast plan, regained all of the 5 pounds originally lost and wasted almost 300 dollars down the toilet! Whats wrong with me????? Ok, that might have been an obvious question. Well, this week was hard and I ended up sabotaging myself again. My best friends Mom passed away and it was tough to see her go so fast in such a dramatic fashion basically wasting away from cancer. But its called Life and there are many challenges in it that requires us to be strong and handle it with dignity and honor. Instead I chose to del with it in self loathing, overindulgence and lack of discipline. Way to go Vadim! And gthe funny thing is that Medifast was working and it wasnt that bad at all. I was losing weight, I wasnt hungry and it was so convenient. I cant say its the bestg way to eat but it works and it does retrains your brain to eat smaller meals more frequently. So for carb addicts like me it is exactly what I need. But as soon as I cheat even a bit, all hell breaks lose. One is too many, 100 is not enough. And no matter how much I try to stop that run away train it is not happening. For years it has been the same battle and viscious cycle of extremes, that is eaither ors! Eaither I am an invincible diet machine or I am a run away train without no breaks. And everything gets crushed in the process. My self-esteem, my confidence and my trst in my own word. I once was able to stick to my word! I want that Vadim back! I know I have emotional demons lurking all the time waiting for me to falter but I can and did manage them so whats holding me back nooooooooow????? Oh boy! Here we go again, same old same old! Excuses, excuses, excuses, blah blah blah! Off course I want to be loved and love back, off course I want to settle down and find the one and only, off course I want my Mom to get better and live to 179, off course I want to have faith in God so strong that death is nothing more than a transition towards something better to come! But am I destined to be fat until I settle and resolve all of my subconscious fears or can I deal with them seperately while being on a reasonable weight loss plan and taking control of my life. What is it?! To be continued!

It's a start!

2010-05-30T15:59:00.000-07:00

I started medifast exactly 10 days ago. My first five days were almost 100 percent on plan give or take few tweaks here and there. Even though I tried my hardest to abstain from weighing in I caved in nevertheless and results were promising. I lost 5 pounds in first five days. It might have been mostly water weight however some of my 40 pounds must have been water gain as well. So I Wewas motivated and excited. Next few days were to test my resolve and boy did they ever. I had to endure my birthday party and our school graduation at Carnegie hall. My birthday party was organized by my department despite my disapproval. It was a loosing battle and I knew it. My boss is both stubborn and uncompromising. She ordered many dishes and lots of pastries and bray cake. I did my best to ride through the party but didn't quite make it unscaved. I didn't eat carby staff since it would throw me out of ketosis but I ate more than I planned or should have. I kind of overindulgef on chicken salad and egg salad. And boy did it make me sick. Next day I jumped right back in and did quite ok. Few days later I was one of the people in charge of organizing and implementing carnagie hall graduation for medical school students and college of health related profession. It was a very long stressful day. I packed four medifast chocolate bar and was doing ok. I had to stay away from all the food at lunch and dinner and I did. I was proud of my effort. I was just a bit hungry but not to the point where I was ravenous. And I was looking forward to still eat lean and green meal at home. When I got home my father made a stupid remark about my weight and....and I ate and ate and ate to deal with anger and pain from his comment. He didn't say nothing outrageous but it was enough. He told me that being a fat ass as I am I should have not eat late. He doesn't know I am dieting and in his eyes I was about to indulge. Don't you love it when u r tired stressed and on a diet someone mentioning how fat u r and that u should be dieting. Hello! Talk about timing. so the next few days were completely off plan. But saying that I still ate relatively low carb to stay in ketosis. I just ate a looooot! But all in all I did ok. I lost 6 pounds in ten days. But given the fact I lost five pounds in five days it wasn't much loss in the last five days. However I am still happy and seing cup half full. Today I started Back and will report back next week. This plan is very doable. It's really is and I kind of like it. At times I do get hungry but it's managable. I believe! I still want to update by way of short video blog and I just might if time permits. No excuses though. Despite my fathers remarks it is still in my hands to overcome comments and obstacles like that. These are called challenges and inability to overcome them led me to the fat zone which I ve been in for too long now. it is time to own and control my emotional eating instead of them controling them. It's not easy but nothing that is worthwile ever is, is it?! So to be continued... The journey must go on with it's good and bad with it's wins and losses. Thank u for reading !

Medifast- Day 1

2010-05-21T15:46:00.000-07:00

I recieved my supply of Medifast bars, shakes and oatmeals last night and started the plan today. I barealy had any sleep last night because I had to drive my best friend to the hospital to sign a consent form to intubate his mom who is taking a turn for the worst. She had been disgnosed with colon cancer 6 months ago and was doing ok. But suddenly she started wasting away, literally. Cancer is that sneaky and dangerous! But no matter what I decided to go with the plan today rahter than wait for Monday or tomorrow or Christmas or Khanukah or New Year. Every day is a new beginning and I need to start practicing what I know and preach. I dont know if its sleep deprivation or the food but it wasnt that bad at all. Mind you its day 1. Being that I recently slipped out of ketogenic diet indulging in all kinds of carbs and junk it will take my body several days to get rid of glycogen. And when it does I may then start feeling the effect of switching to ketosis again. But then again medifast is not a high ketogenic diet and it does contain around 60 grams of carbs. Its very low calorie, low fat and relatively low carb plan. So here is my food intake for today:

6 am- Lemon Meringgue Crunch Bar= 110 cals= 13 grams of carbs= 4 grams of fiber= 5 grams of sugar= 11 grams of protein and 2.5 grams of fat

12 pm- Lemon Meringgue Crunch Bar= 110 cals= 13 grams of carbs= 4 grams of fiber= 5 grams of sugar= 11 grams of protein and 2.5 grams of fat

3 pm- Lemon Meringgue Crunch Bar= 110 cals= 13 grams of carbs= 4 grams of fiber= 5 grams of sugar= 11 grams of protein and 2.5 grams of fat

7 pm- Apple Cinammon Oatmeal= ,100 cals= 14 grams carbs= 4 grams fiber= 10 grams protein

9 pm- 6 0z grilled chicken with 1 cup of greens= 375 calories= 50 grams of protein

12 am- Medifast Dark Chocolate= 90 calories= 14 grams carbs=4 grams fiber=14 grams of protein

Totals for the day:

Cals= 895
Carbs= 68 grms
Fiber= 20 grams
Net carbs= 48 grams
Protein= 105 grams

So thats basically how my menus will look as far as calories and micronutirents distributions. I know, I know its really low cals. I would be the first to tell its kind of very low but many, many people swear by this plan, including thousands of doctors. This plan has been around for years and had helped many obese people to get back their lives. I dont know. I will report on my progress weekly. I hope, pray and look forward to being consistent with this plan and give it all my best effort. I need to get in shape and reclaim my health. This plan has structure, convenience and proven record. I believe! I may do weekly video update through vblog as well.

Ready To Join The Calorie Restriction Society?

2010-05-16T19:47:00.000-07:00

Jimmy Moore once asked this question on his menu blog and it seemed like a no brainer answer. Not so fast Sherlock! I am ready to join Medifast! I am sure you guys have heard of this company. Basically its a low calorie, low carb, low fat plan created by a doctor and used by many doctors to treat morbidly ovese individuals. I have heard numerous stories of its success. Lots of people do swear by it and promise great results. I tried it twice and failed miserably. So why do I even want to try it again? Number one: I think I am mentally ready this time. Number two: it will give me all the necessary tools for success. Number three: I dont have to worry about micronutrients, ratios, fiber content and so on. My weight had spiraled out of control and I need to do something about it before hot, sticky New York summer hits and its right around the corner. I will do everything I can to give Medifast a fair try this time. I just ordered 4 weeks worth of food. I will keep my blog updated weekly to post results for those who are curious. As always thank you for reading and thank you for your support. If you guys have any questions, comments I welcome them all. I am an open minded guy and I promise not to take anything personal. I know many people are against such a drastic plan, and believe me I was one of them as late as yesterday. But today I changed my mind. I need help and Medifast was created and had been in business for many years helping people like me get back on track. I believe!

The genetic weight management test is in! To do or not to do? That is the question of the day!

2010-04-28T16:06:00.001-07:00

I havent blogged for a while but here is the latest development. I recently saw a Dr Oz show where he featured the company called Interleukin Genetics. This company specializes in few genotype tests for general public evaluating certain risk factors for heart disease, bone deteriation and vitamin deficiency. They are also first company in USA to develop a weight management genetic test which helps consumers to chose the best type diet based on their respective genetic profile. I was excited to say the least when Dr Oz, of all people, supported this company work 100 percent and claiming that there are people whos diet should be low carb and include less than 30 grams of carbs a day. This company was involved in many researches including famous Stanford University study where group of people were devided into grapes based on their genetic profiles. Study conclusively showed that people who follow their recommended genetic fit diet are at least 30 percent more efficient in losing weight. I did an extensive research of this company and found only great reviews about their work. So I pulled a plug and ordered the test, which is expensive and runs for $149 dollars. Its very simple test and takes literally 5 minutes to complete. You basically swab your cheeks and send it back to the lab and two weeks after you get the results. I was patiently awaiting my results back and yesterday I got them. Here is my report:

Weight Management Genetic Test Report
Results:
The results of your test place you in the category of Balance of Fat and Carbohydrate ("Better Balancer") and
More Responsive to High Intensity Exercise ("High MET").
Interpretation:
Balance of Fat and Carbohydrate ("Better Balancer"). Individuals with this genetic pattern show no consistent need
for a low fat or low carbohydrate diet. In these individuals key biomarkers, such as body weight, body fat, and
plasma lipid profile respond well to a diet balanced in fat and carbohydrate. For individuals with this genetic pattern
who are interested in losing weight, a balanced diet restricted in calories has been found to promote weight loss
and a decrease in body fat.
More Responsive to High Intensity Exercise ("High MET"). Individuals with this genetic pattern are less able to break
down body fat for energy in response to exercise than those with the alternative genetic pattern. They tend to lose
less weight and body fat than expected with moderate exercise. These individuals require more exercise to activate
the breakdown of body fat for energy and weight loss. They must also maintain a consistent exercise program to
keep the weight off.
Your Genotypes:
DNA Variation Name: FABP2(+1283) PPARG(+34) ADRB3(+190) ADRB2(+46) ADRB2(+79)
Genotype: G,G C,C C,T G,G C,C
This test was developed and its performance characteristics determined by Interleukin Genetics. The test was
performed at the Interleukin Genetics Inc. laboratory in Waltham, MA. The laboratory has been inspected and
certified by the U.S. Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS) per the U.S. Clinical Laboratory Improvement
Amendment (CLIA) protocols. However, the Inherent Health test itself has not been cleared or approved by the U.S.
Food and Drug Administration.
Next Steps:
Call 1-866-990-GENE (4363) for your session with a board-certified, licensed Genetic Professional, who can review
your reports and answer any questions. In addition, the enclosed booklet contains useful information to
guide you, as well as suggestions for diet and exercise.
Patricia D. Murphy, Ph.D., FACMG, 04/ 27/ 2010
Director, DNA Laboratory
Interleukin Genetics

Tons of supplements, finger foods and lauphter! Thats my new plan and I will rock thi time!

2010-04-19T19:59:00.000-07:00

Guess where I have been lately? Carbomania! I thought it was all behind me and it really is wayyyyy behind me! Literally! I look fat and I feel it. I have sinned against my body repeatedly, however all is not lost. Somehow, I still believe! I do! I will find the way and it starts toooooday! After yet another unsuccessful attempt at balanced diet, I made my final decision and this is what I call: Finger food plan!
And no, I havent forgotten my medication! It is a new cool plan of mine to keep me rolling and I have this internal funny feeling that I will. So cheer me on my friends, here I go again:

My finger foods plan will include following allowed foods, each food category for each finger! lol, I may not be that creative but each of my fingers will be assigned a food group.
1. All meat and poultry and seafood!
2. All dairy, no sugar added food ( especially greek yougurt)
3. Whey protein
4. Occasional quinoa or buckwheat or oatmeal
5. Berries
6. Sugar-free chocolate
7. Vegetables
8. Nuts and seeds
9. Eggs
10.Low carb bread and lots of supplements! Plus daily dose of lauphter, Stay tuned, to be continued...

I am throwing in a white towel! Its time to reflect, respect and respond!

2010-04-08T15:55:00.000-07:00

Not even second day into induction I am stopping it! Not only did I feel extreamly uncomftable but my old symptoms come back once again which I thought were gone due to Zoloft. I am not sure if it is whey protein or induction in general or my inability to keep a plan and switching back and force between gluconeogenesis and glucose metabolism or all of the above. But what I do know is that I need to fix my head before fixing my body, no doubt about it. I am still subconsciously hesitant to go low carb all the way. I think in one way or another I have no confidence in sticking to the program for long time due to various reasons, all under my control yet not controllable. Low carb is a wonderful program and does work wonders. However, compliance must be 100 percent or it is a kiss of death as Dr Atkins put it. We, humans. are complicated machinery. We are not just biochemical chain of atoms and molecules. We are psychospiritual beings. It is not all about leptin or insulin or low carb or low fat, it is about delicate balance called homeostasis. So without further excuses or explanations I am calling my low carb way of living off since I am unable to keep it going any more. I now need a more liberated approach where I can coorect my mistakes in case I fail. Glucose metabolism can afford me that opportunity. I am doing more harm than good by being on low carb and off all the time. It is stressful for the body to readjust hormonal responses and enzymatic changes to accomodate dietary change in which a totally different metabolism is required. I will do my best to eat clean, wholesome food in a style of midetarrian diet. It will still be more or less lower carb plan, yet I will introduce grains such as quinoa, buckwheat and oatmeal which I love. I will also be consuming more fish and fruits as well as dairy. Thats the plan! I just need to find my way and let my body know it can trust me. Hopefully I will find a lifestyle eating plan in which my head and my body are friends, Amen! P.S. I am very fasinated with Japanese culture and was once intrigued by Okinawa people longevity and their simple yet powerful lifestyle. Here is a short clip about their secret to life:

Very short update! Induction Day 1

2010-04-07T15:49:00.000-07:00

Weight= 255 pounds. It is a combination of depression plus nightly sugar oveload plus lack of any self-control or self-respect!

Induction, Day 1

1/2 cup of mashed cauliflower with two organic hot dogs ( Its Apple something brand, simply delisious. I am not a fan of hot dogs but these ones are exception. They are expensive and cost $4.50 for 8 skinny franks. I buy them at Trader Joes. But the compnay claims its all organic beef mixed with organic spices and no artificial anything!

4 boiled eggs with dash of salt and mustard

1 oz of goat cheese

4 scoops of MRM vanilla whey protein mixed with 2 cups of Blue Diamond almond milk and half a cup of frozen rasberries.

Thats it! I feel kind of whoozy but not too bad. I pray my previous symptoms are left in the past and it was all stress related rather than anything else. We shall see!

Success is failure turned inside out! Wow, thats powerful!

2010-03-18T16:28:00.000-07:00

I could nag and complain and cry and blame and analize and bitch and complain even more. I could play a victim or pretend to be who I am not. I could come up with a million of excuses for why instead of why not but in the end its all irrelevant. I have failed! I have failed to believe in myself when I believed in others, I have failed to love myslef when I loved others. I failed to follow through when I pushed others to do so. And the end result is weight gain, lower self-esteem and doubts. I owe IT to my body. I owe IT to all of my organs. I appologize to you all, my liver , my brain, my kidneys, my pancreas, my intestines and all others who I didnt mention. I am sorry for all the neglect, all the abuse and all the excuses. And now I owe them IT. IT is a simple yet powerful word and IT is RESPECT! I cant continue getting on and off low carb, I cant continue to use food as my security blanket or to drug myslef to sleep. Food is neither a friend nor an enemy. It is not, its a fuel and thats what is meant to be. I cant continue to fool myslef believing i can eat carbs in moderation or eat a balanced diet. There is no balanced diet for me at this moment or ice cream in moderation. Carbs are not my enemy, but they are my weakness. As alcohol is a weakness to an alcoholic, carb is a weakness to me who is a carboholic. I never pig out on steak and brocoli when I am sad. I never swallow chicken breast after chicken breat when I am lonely. I never crave a pound of butter when I am angry. There is a reason for it. And its called Nature. Nature selects food for us as fuel, MAN select food for us which is profit. And to make a profit food has to be both palatable and addictive. And more often than not it becomes un-naturalized. i know I made promises and broke challenges. I know ! But you were still there cheering me on. May be not many of you, may be just a few but it is not how many but how caring! I will be a fool to promise anything at this point or challenge myself to anything. So I quitely and respectfully look forward to a new beginning or to a new end depending how to look at it. I have been in a bad place called selfdestruction. It is a tempting place where cookies, Mcdonalds and all other crap reside. I pray to get out of there and I must. So with your help and God willing I will. I have to, it has been long overdue. Thanks for reading!

Say it once, say it twice, say it all the time! No more crap, no more crap, crap no more!

2010-03-09T18:09:00.000-08:00

Do you know the definition of the optimist? Optimist is the ill-informed pessimist! But..... I can still defeat my demons, be strong and give up eating crap once and for all. So to all I say " No more" I am stopping eating crap! I have had it up to here, no up to here, actually up to high stinking everywhere. I stopped smoking after having cigarettes for loooong time. I stopped it cold chicken. I stopped drinking after having drank for years. So if I was able to do that I can stop eating crap and poisoning my body. I cant treat my body with so much disrespect and dishonesty. I will not any more! I am shutting the door. Crap you are not welcome any more! I am shaving my head bold tomorrow, I am taking my neard off tomorrow and I am stopping eating crap, TONIGHT!

Is there balance in unbalanced life?

2010-03-08T15:42:00.001-08:00

After many trials and tribulations, after many failed attempts to gain control of my diet and my health, I am back to square one or may be o! I was told to just eat a balanced diet instead of trying all kinds of fad under the sun. I dont know if it is my subconscious mind resorting to fear or what but low carb hasnt been working for me as of late. I experienced stomack cramps, IBS kind of symptoms and total exhuastion at times with muscle weakness and pain. May be it has absolutely nothing to do with low carb, as a matter of fact I believe it doesnt. But for whatever reasons, weather it is my doctors imprinting that scare massage about low carb or what. it didnt do me any good. So I decided to do the best next thing, go with balance diet! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Goooooodness! There is nothing about my life or in it right now that even remotely spells balance! I have no idea why I thought balanced diet would be a solution. I am a sugar addict, emotional eater and a person not being able to adapt to stress any more. I suffer from some rather debilitating symptoms, was diagnosed with severe anxiety disorder and IBS. I was given lots of medications such as zoloft and beta blockers to calm my body down. On top of everything else my Mom is back in the hospital suffering from partial colon obstruction and my dad is in the hospital with his recurring heart angina. Ok, if that wasnt enough I had a bad car accident and my brand new Lexus is almost total. Thanks God nobody got seriously hurt even though I do need some physical therapy. Ok. So in the midst of very unbalanced life and me being emotional wreck balanced diet seemed to be a logical choice. Not for me but for my genious doctor. He said do not try to punish yourself by eliminating your favorite comfort food but rather have them in small quantitiy. Ok I said, knowing fairly well that this philosophy hasnt worked, well ever! So if doing the same thing and expecting different result is the definition of insanity, I am an insanity! So balanced diet and having my favorite carb treats in moderation ended up in a lot of poooooooop. Not only I totally lost control and ate like a mad man on a sugar mission but ate more than I ever did, nonstop. Results? I gained 10 pounds and now eight at 244 which is officially my heaviset in many years. But my IBS did go away and pardon my Russian , my shit looked normal for the first time in months. May be just may be because I ate a lot of shit, and if you follow the paradigm of you are what you eat, then if you eat a lot of shit, guess what???? So the only positive thing about all of that experiment was that I was able to defecate normal again. But I will not trade off having a normal bowle movement over weight gain and other miseries that come along with my balanced diet. So here is my final verdict at least for the foreseeble future until I get better emotionally and deal with my anxiety and stress and family issues"

I am going back to go forward, that is I am back on lower carb diet. I will, however, include lots of green vegetables, olive oil and high fat fish. I will also gear towards more of a mideterenian kind of a low carb version becuase I do enjoy eating a lot of fish, nuts and seeds and berries along with some cottage cheese. I will do more video post to update on how I am doing as well, may be once a week video update. Thanks for your continued support.

Very quick update!

2010-02-17T18:47:00.000-08:00

I am going to make it very short. Its hard for me to do since short is not a word I am used to, but today I have no choice. I appologize for not posting any more follow up videos. I have been through a loooooooooot. My body and mind are totally working agianst each other. I have been back to feeling dysfunctional. I did change doctor and he put me on bunch of medications which I am not crazy about. He put me on zoloft, beta blocker valium and acid reducing drug. He diagnosed me with CFS, IBS and panick attacks. I started taking meds but it is not helping. Now I am simply chronickly fatigued, in pain and constipated. I thought diarhea was bad, oh boy! Constipation sucks! As far as food is concerned I havent been eating much. No appetie of late. Oh, one more thing. My friend's wife recently passed away at the age of 34 from cancer. It was simply beyond comprehension. I think the funeral made my body even more freakish. I dont know. But I pledged to stop eating eating after 8 pm in her memory. It had been the hardest thing for me to do, that is stop eating after 8 since I go to bed at around 2 am. But I decided to do it and so far I kept it.

My first video

2010-02-03T19:38:00.001-08:00

Here is my link to my first ever youtube video!

2010-02-02T19:44:00.000-08:00

As I pormised long ago, the youtube video is finally done. I cant say I loved the whole experience. It was kind of bizzare and on the run. I only had 10 or so minutes to shoot this video before going to the hospital with my Mom. So it was both spontaneous and nervewrecking. My initial reaction was to delete it immediately. But that would defeat the whole point. I am not perfect and will never create a perfect video. For the longest time I have been attempting to creat a perfect body that I could love and respect to only lose a bigger perspective. I already have a perfect body that I need and must learn to accept, love and respect. I had put it through a lot of trials and tribulations both mentally and physically. Its time to change! So this video is work in progress, lol, to say the least. I am a very open-minded guy and can laugh at myself. I once more realized that looks is not my best attribute, even though I love it the way it is. Its a gift and one day might even give on giving, lol. I will definitely take more videos, better quality and more nutritionally oriented. I have lots of ideas and hopefully it will start taking place sooner than later.

Here is the link, I have no idea how to post the video in here. May be Sadekat can help me out!

http://www.youtube.com/user/gentlemen11911

Is it the chicken or the egg? Go figure!

2010-02-01T17:41:00.000-08:00

Ok, ok I am back. Has anyone missed me yet? I hope so. I do need a hug. I have been a complete and utter emotional mess as of late. My health problems got from bad to worth. My gastrointestinal symptoms that brought along a panick attack like things increased in both time andc intensity to the point where I was forced to take a week off from work. I couldnt handle stress at all. Any stressor weather any situation at work or some other subconscious thought swould bring on unpleasant events. But... the good news is that I dont think it is diet related number one and that I do suffer from anxiety disorder or more like bad panick attacks. I am still going through a lot of tests but preliminary diagnosis is IBS and anxiety with some degree of chronic fatigue syndrome. I was put on Zoloft and valium along with beta-blockers and gas reducing meds. Mind you, I dispise meds. But for the time being I have no choice. I simply cant control my symptoms at least as of yet. And now that my symptoms progressed from once a week to basically every day it is both wise and practical to listen to my doctor. I will be updating my blog more often, hopefully. I did take my first video this morning. I wasnt feeling well and taking this video was the last thing I wanted to do. But I decided to start following through on my promises, plans and resolutions. After I recorded this video I immediately wanted to delete it right away. But I decided to let it be. I am who I am at this moment and I am starting to love me. I have had years of mental abuse. The worst of it I imposed on myself. So this time around I am growing up and part of this process is accepting my body and spirit. There is room for change, lots of it but with God's help and my stubborness and hard work I will accomplish it. Thanks! I hope I can attach this video later.

I am atill at 240 pounds. It is still a looooooot. But I am back on low carb with some room for fruits and occasioanally a very tiny amount of grains. I will keep my fingers crossed. So at this pont I am not sure what provokes my attakcs? Is it the IBS causing panick attack or is it the panick attack causing IBS? I dont know but hope to get rid of them both!

Its not a sunny day in my garden!

2010-01-12T19:39:00.000-08:00

I am in pain! I have no idea whats happening with me but it surely pisses living light out of me. My body is giving me many warning signs but I cant figure out whats going on but neither do doctors, at least for now. Its either that or my body is simply way too stressed out and needs time off to cool off. Yesterday I was insanely uncomftable spending full day in and out of the bathroom. It was not a good thing. The trip to the bathroom was followed up by extreme fatigue and pain in both extremeties. Pain would subside big time after the trip to the bathroom. My intestines were bloated and it was pushing on my diaphragm. I was told it could be IBS or stress related. I do have plenty of stress and at times it seems I cant handle it. I have been way too emotional at times too. I snapped at people, and even broke down in tears this morning. I hate unknown and I hate this debilitating condition. It simply sucks monkey's behind. It slows me down to a point where I feel overwhelmed by it. It, whatever it is, stealing my personality. I feel run down. So for the time being I am off low carb. I am still eating relatively lower carbs but will add fruits and oatmeal to calm down my stomack. Hopefully I will feel better before I feel worth. Thanks for your continued support. Not to leave you sad, I am adding this funny anekdote, hope you enjoy it!

Believe it or not!!!!!
Woman has Man in it; Mrs. has Mr. ! in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
No wonder men always want to be inside women!

Men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend all their life and time trying to go back between the legs of a woman....
Why?
BECAUSE THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME < BR>

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist
AND ..
When we have REAL trouble, it's a
HISterectomy.

Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.

Send this to all the men just to annoy them............

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One more life lesson learnt, if its not stiff enough give it up !

2010-01-08T18:14:00.001-08:00

Ok, I was finally in the mood last night! Oopsie roll was calling my name. For the longest time the name itself made me smile. How bad can it be, I said! And sure enough the recipe was easier than taking a shower. Or so I thought, but making it 1 am being dead tired, no, not a good idea! The recipe calls for 3 eggs, 3 oz of cream cheese and a pinch of cream of tartar. Then you simply seperate the egg yolks from the whites. After you mix up the cream cheese with the yolks and whip up the egg whites till stiff you simply gently fold the yolks mixture into the egg whites making a dough cutting it in six equal parts. Then you preheat the oven to 350 degrees and bake the whole thing for 30 minutes. You let it rest for 5 minutes, take it out of the oven and wait for it to cool down. Thats it! Here is what your truly did; I decided if three eggs are good, four are better. And if 3 oz are called for 3 eggs why not put about 6 oz? Then to make it more exciting I added few tablespoons of coconut flour. When I was done the whole mixture was so sticky I couldnt remove it from the bowl. So I put some coconut milk into it. Then it was time for beating the egg whites till stiff. I decided to do it manually and boy did it suck. I was beating them all wrong as I found out today from my coworker. So it never came to the point of stiffness. It was semi-soft at best. I got tired of my own insanity and mixed up egg whites into the egg yolks. Then I buttered up the foil and baked the whole thing for 30 minutes. It nver rose and came out flat! When I tasted it I almost choked because it was dry. I ended up eating it anyway with the glass of almond milk. Oh, I forgot that I almost burnt the whole kitchen in the process. Oi wei! As far as my diet goes I have been on the low carb bandwagon for a week now and hopefully it will stick this time. The only negative thing about my renewed comittment is that I have been experiencing old-new debilitating symptoms again. For the last few days I have been stricken with bloatness, gas, pulsitang stomack and palpitation. It usually starts with intestinal discomfort first, then my stomack starts racing like crazy and I feel like fainting. It gets all better once I go to the bathroom and empty the intestines, sorry for TMI. But it is indeed scary. I hope it goes away but it has been happening for a while. I am beginning to think it might be some kind of IBS related to anxiety and stress. Who knows! Thanks for reading!

2010 ! From New York with lots of love going your way!

2010-01-04T17:15:00.001-08:00

It was one of the quitest New Year celebration ever but it was just as good as all others. I stayed home with my parents. My mom had developed some complications from chemotherapy and she was depressed as well. On the eve of New Year Russian people go all out. It is THE biggest and most celebrated holiday in both Russia and every other corner where Russkis dwell. Not only is it THE biggest holiday but you get officially two weeks off from work in Russia. Those crazy Russians, lol. It starts early in the morning. Women start preparing all kinds of goodies for the party while men are busy scrambling for the right amount of vodka for the guests. Mind you, its never enough vodka so they buy insane amounts. Therefore we have lots of saying about Russians and their drinking habits. Ok, here is one " Whats entertainment for the Russian is the death sentence for German! Or when the Russian wakes up early in the morning after New Year and sais " I have the biggest headack and hangover now, I feel like I am dying, I should have died last night! I think you guys get the point, we, Russians, are missing few screws here and there. But given that my Mom who I love dearly going through so much, I decided to stay home and celebrate with her. I usually celebrate it with parents until 1 am and then hit my frien's house where there is a gathering of 25 people drunken people acting stupidly and loud. We continue the celebration until 7 am and then crawl crash. But this year it was peaceful, quite and uneventful and I liked it too. I could go on and on about many things, but since this is menu oriented blog I will stick to it somewhat. I decided not to make any resolutions this year. Its simply pointless. Every day can and should be a new beginning or continuation of the old one. No points for silly resolutions on specific day of the week. At least that is for me. But I did promise to start low carb life again after New Year and so far I have been a good boy. I will be on different menus trying to figure it all out. But so far so good. I will continue to update this blog on a regular bases, hopefully every day. I know that I promised a video blog for the longest time and I will deliver. It took a while, but I am exactly computer savvy. Yet, I have all the necessary tools for my first video blog so stay tunes. I honestly think its a great idea to do it. It makes so much more personal and since we have been communicating with each other for more than a year, it makes even more sense.

Ok, for the past 4 days I have been mostly consuming: lamb meat cooked in a slow cooker by yours truly, some vegetables with red caviar, cottage cheese with buttermilk and pumpkin seeds as snack. That was basically it, and so far its a new beginning.

Oh how much fun it is not! Insanity be gone!

2009-12-29T12:14:00.000-08:00

I have succumbed to temptation and let myself go agaaaaaaaaaaaain. I simply let it all lose for the holidays and look what happened! I gained looooootd of weight, and now had reached my highest weight in about 7 years. I am now at 243 pounds. But......

Screw guilt, shame and disappontment! I was talking to my ex-girlfreind last night. Ok, dont ask me why. She called me complaining and I was foolish enough to listen. I should have known better. That woman is scorpion and now I am starting to believe horoscope. I never did before but there is something to it. By the end of our conversation I reiterated all the reasons for us not to be together. I recently traded my car and got a new lexus. I do work hard and decided to indulge myself. I alwasy wanted one and why not if I can afford it. I am single, have two jobs and no girlfriend or children. Well, at least no gfriends. I am not 100 percent sure about children part. At least noone knocked on my door yet screaming Dad as of today! So Lexus I bought. Oh my God, the things came out of that woman mouth. Mind you, we are not together any more. We were for 4 years but no more, thanks the sky, Universe, God! She kept reminding me sarcastically about the crisis in the country. This is exactly what she said " I dont know if you heard yet, but there is a crisis in a country, so instead of buying expensive cars you should be saving for a rainy day! Say what! I went full force at that woman. First of all what business is it of anyones what i buy with my money. She is liberal, and I am somewhat conservative. Right there you know its not exactly match made in logic kingdom. Yes, there is economy downgrade going on in a country. But I for one do not call it ''Crisis". Crisis for me is whats going on in Uganda, Somali and parts of Nigeria. Crisis is when millions of hungry people die from starvation and women being raped and cut for organs. Those are crisis. But not here. What we go through is economic recession, a product of irresponsible consumers and greed of corporation. It is a great time to advance ones skills via education or otherwise. Yes, I completely understand there are lots of families with children who are struggling. Yes, there are people in there who need help and help they should get. But it is also a great time for reflections, analysis and corrective measures. If you get to point A without knowing how you gotten there, you are just as lost as if you had never gotten there in the first place. Bailing out companies to some degree to push economy forward is fine, but making sure whe understand how we had gotten here in the first place is the key!

So why am I even saying all of these? Very simple. There is a lot of similarities between economic recession and what I am going through. I am going through health recession. But again, no blame, no guilt, no looking back. I did screw royally in 2009 but still not to the point of no returns. So moving forward as I always do with my head still hung high. I am still the same person I was before and I still have qualitites I am proud of. And I am going to concur this weight issue once and for all. But until I do, here we go again! Looking forward but not forgetting the past. Here is how and what I need to do to change thingas around:

1.Diamond rule: Love and respect your body, no harsh words, no name calling!
2. Golden rule: Accept that I am a sugar addict and: One is too many while 100 is not enough. So create a plan of allowable comfort low carb cheat food in case of emotional demons attack.
3. Silver rule: Plan, plan, plan!
4. Bronze rule: Ditch the scale for two weeks at a time and only weight once ever two weeks.

That is it! And as always thanks to all who stood by me in 2009! It wasnt an easy year for me with lots of ups and downs, mostly downs. But I am still grateful for it and all it brought. Happy and Healthy 2010 and may it bring happiness, health and lots of dreams come true!

Ahaaaaa moment has visited me once again, but will it stay!

2009-12-18T14:52:00.000-08:00

I have been off course for a long time now gaining around 22 pounds in the process. I went from 218 to 240 pounds. The intresting thing is that once I cheated once it was all over. I can come up with a millions excuses like it was Holiday season and mad amounts of parties at my place of work or I was a bit emotional due to lots of circumstances in my life or many, many more. But in the end they are all excuses. But what bugs me the most is that when I do plan ahead low carb is so easy to folow. I even find more way than one to eat plenty of sweet tasting food while on it and not gain weight. I remember times when I would totally pig out low carb style eating insane amounts of sugar-free chocolate, nuts and other treats. I may have not lost weight but I didnt gain 22 pounds and I never felt deprived. So it all comes down to planning and comittment. Any way, yesterday was the first day in a looooooong time that I went back on low carb life. I decided purposefully not to do any of the cold turkey stuff and included plenty of food including some treats such as frozen berries with silvered nuts on it. I ate plenty and it was so easy. Today I came to work and there were hundreds of cookies, pastires and other crap all around my office. I felt like a cursed man who is being attacked by vicious demons whispering in my ear " Come on fat man I dare you to stay away" And to top it all off I failed to plan and that is bring emergency treats. But after a short loss of senses I did regain control and kept repeating " One is too many , 100 is not enough. I was tempted, I was seduced but I did manage to say no. One day at a time, one day ata time. Today is going to be a good day and I will do it low carb way!

Whats the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods? Whats the difference between Santa and Vadim?

2009-12-15T18:07:00.001-08:00

The difference between Tiger Woods and Santa is that Santa actually stops after only three...... Ok, you get it, funny, ha ha ha! I was t9old this joke today at the staff meeting and wasnt lauphing. My boss, who happens to be vice-president, looked at me and said " Vadim, its three hoes, get it? Hoes as in...., I stopped her and said " I know, Meg. It wasnt funnu not becuase I didnt get it, it wasnt funny because it just!!! She said I have Russian sense of humor andf everyone of those suckers started laughing again. I wonder at times how low can people go to satisfy the boss. Everyone is petrified of this woman except me. And I get it, people do need jobs and those who have got them are not eagor to let go. But I just despise fakeness and ass kissing! I honestly think people like Tiger are not cheating becausing they are addicted to sex but because they miss true friends and need others to validate them. How many folks do you think are around Tiger that would do or say anything to just make him look and feel like a King. Not me!!! I am a nice guy, I think, or I tend to believe I am, but I am not going to tell anyone they are skinny when they are fat or tell them their joke is funny when its not. My boss was suprised I wasnt laughing but I simply said the joke was ok, and that I heard it before. I think she took it ok, but if she didnt, well, its her business. But the difference between Santa and me is that I do nooooooooooot deliver on my promises or challenges. I have beeeeeeeen very bad, very! I keep eating and gaining weight. Its insane. The funny thing is that I stopped having all kind of symptoms when I when I ate carbs so somehow my subconsciuos mind feels its comforting and safe for me to eat crap. I must go back on low carb, preferably low carb express. This is getting to be very imprudent. I will keep you posted, but for now its another failure of massive proportion.

By the way I saw documentary called " Food. Inc" last nighgt. It was eye popping expereince. Did anyone else see it and what you gusy thought of it? Not that I had no clue, but it was even more shocking than I thought it was.

Ladies and other species of human race! Can I ask for your attention please!

2009-12-04T16:16:00.000-08:00

Here we go again! I was challenged today by a fellow blogger named Shezug to another challenge! Do you think I was up to it? You would think not. Why would he, you would exclaim! After all whats the point? The whole idea of the challenge is to generate results, a positive that is. But whats the point of challenges if there are no results soon after. Its like peeing against the wind, it is bound to hit you on a way back. But that would be a sane person logic. But not mine, lol! But sanity is boring and who needs it? I am so up for another challenge if only to regenrate something in my brain to wake up a real Vadim. I know that somehow, somewhere there are all the answers for me to have a life that i dreamt of, not the journey in constant need of navigation. So Challenge it is my lovely fellow blogger Shezug! But it has to be the Challenge, not just another challenge. The Challenge! Life is boring without those challenges. Challenges are needed to dig deep inside for some resolve, for some pick me uppers! We need those occasional pick me uppers! challenges can be healthy if done appropriately not in a spirit of win at all costs but personal win instead. So here is the Challenge for you Shezug from me: for the next three weeks until the end of the year lets finish 2009 on the best possible nutritional road. There is only one rule. I call it sanity rule or in-voice rule. Deep inside we all know whats good for us. deep inside we all what our bodies really need, not want, need. So lets just do the next three weeks listening to what our bodies need ans stop satisfying that ugly emotional demon of ours that keeps naggin us each and every time we are sad, lonely, depressed or tired. Lets Challenge ourselves to take each and every bite like a sacred bite worth putting in our months. We are worht it. Shezug, I believe we can do it. so for the next three weeks I challenge you to eat the best, healthiest food you know your body needs. Let it be wholesome, natural, nutritional and satisfying. Let it be as clean and pesticide free as possible. You might chose to do Paleo, I might chose protein power route but whatever it is lets make it the best end of 2009 as we can. What do you think my friend Shezug. By the way I think you have got the coolest nickname, I am jeoluous. Anyway, when do we start, how about Sunday? No, lets start tomorrow. I am starting now already. That was always part of my problem, delaying living healthy and wisely. It was convenient to say lets do it Monday. It gave me license to pig out on Saturday and Sunday. No more delaying, lets just do it. I believe in you, i know you can! I am starting tomorrow and i will even try to videoblog about it finally. No, i hate that word trying. I will videoblog about it too! So tomorrow it is. It may not be perfect, it may not be healthy all the time, but thats why it is THE CHALLENGE!

I have got to be kidding?! How is it all posible?

2009-12-02T19:49:00.000-08:00

I have had rough couple of months. Not only did I gain about 20 pounds but I seem to have totally lost any grip or sense on my low carb routine. How did it all happen? Simply one day at a time, one instant gratification at a time and most importanly one emotion at a time. I have succumbed to carb again and it is ugly. Bread, pastires, ice cream. No excuses, I screwed up royally! And now looking back at it I want to know how to proceed, how to go forward. I seemed to be doing so great on the shake plan, finally. Except one thing, it gave me some weird, debilitating symptoms. It was IBS like plus panick attack and fatique all in one. I lost nice amount of weight but I had to stop, it was getting intolerable. Then I decided to go semi protein power- semi Paleo. Nope, no success there. I simply couldnt handle temptation of now overloading on fruits once I started eating them. I cant just eat one apple or one pear, nope. Its like kissing a woman once once you are aiming for a night of romance and lovemaking. Temptations! So I went back on Atkins. Nope, didnt last long. I was around food all the time, parties, parties, parties= temptations, temptation, temptation! And then it happened, I was overwhelmed at home, at work and semi-depression, semi-middle life crisis. semi-holiday-loneliness settled in. So there came a perfect storm. Holiday paries + temptations + semi-depression, semi-middle age crisis, semi-holiday-loneliness= ONE BIG FAT ASS! I am tired of excuses, I am tired of political correctness and I am tired of failures. But I am not tired of not giving up! Somehow I still believe! I must be nuts! So many times so many excuses so many no results and I still believe?! Yes people I do! Too many people gave up on me already, too many of them stopped belieing. But what they think of me shouldnt be my business. And the reason I was fat, and am fat that I did give a damn what people thought of me. NO MORE, NO MORE, NO MORE! My jewish guilt needs to go, my emotional eating needs to go, my sentimental nature needs to .., ok that can stay! So I must start fueling my body rather than feeding my emotions! I dont know where tomorrow will bring me, but as long as there is tomorrow I still believe!

I am totally back to square one! How ironic it really is to go somewhere to only realize it was a circle and you are back at point of initial take off

2009-11-23T17:24:00.000-08:00

Ok, it has almost been a year now since I launched this very menu blog. Mind you I was the last person in universe still left at that time who was so clueless about blogging in general that I would rather try to understand what woman really wants than doing any kind of blogging. The word itself sounded kind of putrid. I thought blogging was intended for old women who wanted yaap, yaap. yaap or save the world form itself. A year later all I can say that not only was I wrong but I was a total ignoramus with mind opening of a protozoa. I have met wonderful people in here who are loving, supportive and smart. So to all those people my great appreciation. I want to single out one man above all who has been there for me no matter what and that is none other than Mr Harry. He is a man of passion and driven by desire to help others. That is a not such a common qualtiy in modern world. So thank you Mr Harry! I also want to thank Mr Moore and his wonderful wife for doing the work that they do. At times I have disagreedm with Jimmy but overall tha man is doing a good job. And the last but not least is Mr Eades who is the leading force in todays low carb world and his blog is both educational and vital.

I have failed many times with my many challenges. But above all I learnt a lot. One smart man once said that Experiences are none other that outcomes we get when we dont get the results we want. Or it was close to that line. And how true it is indeed! So despite lack of any significant results for my many failed experiments and challenges I definitely gained many outcomes! Thanksgiving is approaching very fast. I have a lot to be thankful for. My mother, despite all that happened to her, is still here and that is ONE great outcome I am most thankful for! We do take things for granted at times, but I trully love, cherish and treasure my Mom in so many ways. She is an epitomy of an ideal woman in my opinion. Not becuase she is my mom, but because she has endured through so much and never complained but always persevered to go on in the best way she knows how. And she did an amazing job. This post is not about weight loss or numbers or failures. It is about thanks! I will post about my nutritional jouney and possibly my new wows and such after Thnksgivin. But for now Thank you all who has been here for me and enjoy your time with the loved ones. Happy Thanksgiving Day!

To be or not to be, that is the question of the day!

2009-10-24T13:35:00.000-07:00

I am officially diagnosing myself as a certified, bonified stubborn and unstable screw! Its not all in order in the main lobby of my house. It seither that or I am going through a premature mid-life crisis! But then again whats normal, is there such a thing? I once saw a program on public TV called ''magnificent mind" and the host said that there is no normal as far as our brains are concerned and its all relative and a matter of balanced brain. So now I know my brain is certainly not balanced! There is a town in Minnesota called Normal. So the host informed the audience that thats where Normal people live. And I loved his joke when he said that it was for the first time when he really met and talked to Normal women. that was funny! Ok, so why do I feel the way I do? Ok, for many reasons. For one I keep saying one thing and do another. But that would be least of my troubles. I keep insanely making same moves expecting different results! And that is my friends a definition of.... welll you know the rest of the statement. I went back to normal low carb living after experiencing all those dreadful symptoms being on protein shakes for a 10 days. And being back on low carb with no clear boundaries and elevated level of stress invited chaos. Chaos as far as calories are concerned. i kept eating and eating and eating. Especially at night, and my hunger was at all times high. And boom 5 pounds gained in a week. So now I am back to sqaure one. But at least my symptoms went away and I did feel much better. So it was something in those shakes that completely disagreed with my digestive track. But it made me loose weight quick and it kept me in check as far as hunger and boundaries! So driving back home I was contemplating on going back on protein shakes for at least two weeks and complete the damn 14 days without stopping at 10. Even though i did give it my best and accoomplished a lot in those 10 days, i still didnt finish it. I did have an excuse though. i felt horrible being on that plan. But still in my inflamed mind i wanted to go back and do it one more time, last time 14 days uniterrupted. But what about those nagging, debilitating symptoms said i in my head? oh well it might be different this tiem around. May be i will add magnesium and it will go away I kept justifying, or may be I will use eggwhite instead of whey, or may be just may be i will meditate and see if it was my anxiety triggered my some weak gastric reactions. But THEN it HIT me! I thought of my friend HARRY! it has almost been a year since I started blogging. it is scary to think it passed so fast. And it was almost a year ago that I, Harry, sadekat and few others accepted a challenge of creating a meny blog. Much happened sinc last year for me and i am sure for others. Some good news some bad, some horrible, but hey thats life. My Mom had fallend ill to the cancer that came back after 1o years and it did so with a vengence to a tune of much distress for the whole family especially me. It hit me especially hard. My mother has always been my security blanket and my best friend. She is truly an amazing woman, a one of a kind and to see her suffering being weak and hopeless totally crushed me on many levels. I know its life and i kept saying all the right things in my head but it still didnt make it any better. And the fact that all my relationships were fruitless and i am still single when all my siblings are married with kids. It made me insecure, fearful and fragile, more so than ever. there were days when i cried even though I didnt feel like it. i guess it was so much stress in my body that tears just kept rolling down. I have always thought of myself as a fighter until this year. it only proves that any human no matter how strong we think we are need help at times. Oh, wow did i drift away from my diet plan!!!I guess words are just jumping out and it is kind of brain storm. I didnt mean to make it that way in the beginning. But thats what beautiful about blogging. You can get carried away without people judging you or calling you name. Ok, i feel better now. so back to Harry. Harry, if you are reading this post and got this far, i want to know that you are my role model of the low carb world! I never liked to put people on the pedestal or use role models but you are an exception! in the last year you have been an epitomy of stability and balance. I have never met you personally but as far as your diet is concerned it is an example to follow. You have never waivered to fast phases never attempted silly only shakes diet. All you did was being consistent and eat wholesome low carb food to satisfaction and for that my friend I nominate you as a CHAMP! You should be a true leader of the low carb world! If it was up to me you would be heard and watched and followed. You have never criticised, never judged, never stooped to a level of unconstructive criticism. You simply led by example! And that is my friend a leader of the highest order. There are many low carb celebrities in the community. And i am grateful to all of them but i hope against all hope that one day you will pick up a torch and get a much wider audience! So for the next year or so this is going to be my challenge: Stop the insanity and follow an example of one man out there who did it in a way that all of us should have doen all along and that is natural, low carb wholesome food! But for now i will still do it my way, lol, even if it means insanity! So i am amrching forward with another attempt to concur 2 weeks of protein shakes and one meal! i will give it one more green light before I officially throw in a towel. But if i fail all i have to look forward to is the light at the end of the tunnel where my friend Harry will be waiting with a lid torch! i am not going to spell check this post and leave iit as is, becuase where it came from needs no correction! if you made this far you are either insane or a true caring person! thank you for reading, that is still reading, lol after all my failures!

I feel like a giant today! NY Giant that is, beat up and not loved!

2009-10-19T18:37:00.000-07:00

I dont like those days when sleep deprivationbecomes life deprivation! Today was one of those days. Lately, I havent felt right at all. I dont know whats ailing me? Is it stress? May be! Is it some kind of anxiety disorder? Possibly! Is it fibromyalgia? Ok, why not? Is it IBS? Who is to say? Is it lack of meaningful relationship and therefore lack of meaningful sexual life? lol, ok, may be not this one! So what in the world of Vadim's universe is it???????? Once my spiritual teacher told me that the most expensive things in life are mistakes? I couldnt get it then, I was too young, too cocky and too naive. I get it now. May be years of smoking and careless living was a mistake? You say! Aha, dude, you are a genius! I think it is my body telling me something but I cant pick it up and neither can doctors! But it could be a good thing. At times an absense of news is a good news. So may be, just may be iits a good thing that doctors dont know. But it bothers me to feel this way for a long time now and have no answers. But i am not giving up!!!!! Or no, too stubborn for that. So forward we march again! As far as my diet is comncerned, I have been somewhat of a good boy, suprisingly! I have been low carb except few occasions when I ate a bit of watermelong, but thats all. What I started enjoying a lot lately is my nightly ice cream! Yes, you heard me right, ice cream! I love ice cream, love it, love it, love it! But it is homemade low carb one. I make it out of protein shake and freeze it. Two hours beofre I get home my mom takes out of the freezer and when I hit home at around 1 am its semi-melted. I put chopped walnuts on it, some berries and whalooo, awesome! I think its just as awesome as having sex by myself! Oh, did I just say that? Ok, its awesome! I mix it with MRM strawbery-banana whey with half a can of cocnut milk and frozen strawberries plus a bit of heavy cream and stevia! It is goooooooood! And it has become my nightly treat. I actually look forward to it every day, havent yet gotten tired of it. As far as other things in my life, not much news which again could be a blessing! My Mom is still very weak and suffering a lot. But as long as God gives her strenght to go on, we will beat this thing called cancer. Its stubborn but so are we. Ok, thats about it in a nutshell!

One last thing, for anyone who wants to know what today felt like symtoms wise and otherwise here it is:

5 hours of sleep

pin and needle pain all over my extremeties
bloated stomach
IBS kind of symptoms which went away with poop
fatigue
tachycardia

I will start blogging about my diet soon! thanks for reading!

Shake, shake, shake! What am I going to do with you!

2009-10-14T19:44:00.000-07:00

I am still contemplating the direction of my nutrition journey at this moment. I mean its pretty straightforward as a long term goal. My long term goal is to eat low carb mediterenean lifestyle, that is plenty of fish, vegetables, nuts and seeds, olive oil, low carb berries and some dairy in the form of cottage cheese. I have never been much of a meat person or milk drinker or cheese enthusiast. I completely dont care for red meat. Dont get me wrong, I do enjoy a nice, juicy meat steak once in a while, but it is very once in a while. I mostly eat fowl when i crave meat. But for the time being I am going to implement all of the above plus one or two shake here or there. I bought an insane amount of whey and eggwhite protein powders. I do love protein shakes as well. So at this moment I will just play mix and match to see if my symptoms will subside or go away. Thats the plan!

My 6 weeks cure has ended its journey!

2009-10-13T18:07:00.000-07:00

Despite my premature departure form the plan, I had accomplished plenty. I did manage to survive a week on it without much cheating so thats a huge moral victory for me. I attempted to do many, many times with no or very little success. But this time it was a big deal. Unfortunately my symptoms preclude me from continuing on and I must find out whats ailing me. My symptoms are now getting me very annoyed. They range from stomach spasms, relieved by moving bowel to pin and needles pain thorughout the body which is also relieved by bowel movements and general sense of lethargy which is also removed partially by bowel movement. I have no idea whats causing it, but drinking protein shakes makes it absolutely worth. It might be few things including my reccuring anxiety, IBS or some kind of inflammation. I dont know. But it surely is nasty. Thank you all for continued support and words of encouragement.

Time out! I am taking time off to see if my symptoms are direct hit from the shakes!

2009-10-09T19:49:00.000-07:00

I have had quite unexpected and pretty debilitating symptoms for at least 4 days now ranging from cramps to constipation to lethargy. I have decided to take a break for at least few days and see if it was the shakes. So far last night and today my symptoms totally went away and I ate a lot of different things including carbs. And I had not symptoms as of yet. I had lots of meat with avocado and side slad, 3 beef hot dogs with 2 eggs and slad and 1 slice of pizza. I also ate some nuts at dinner time. I did however have one shake after the work out. I am restarting the shake week 2 on Sunday and this time I will use egg white protein instead of whey or at least mix it up with mostly egg white variety to see if my symptoms do go away. i believe more and more it is IBS and for some strange reasons all this amount of whey protein excaserbates it. I will keep you posted on what happens!

Day 7 and I am pooped out!

2009-10-08T15:05:00.000-07:00

Last night was the official week 1 ! I did however celebrate it by going off plan and eat, eat and eat. I had 1 blintz with sweet cheese from france and that little sucker has 15 carbs and its small! I also had lots of avocado and 1 vegetable burger with side slad. that was late at night in addition to all the shakes and one meal I had earlier in a day. But I did work out with weights and felt a bit hungry, more so than usual. I was contemplating if I should go on to the second week doing this 3 shakes and one meal plan. For the past 4 days I have had strange and debilitating intestinal issues. I have had intestinal spasms, poop with mucosa, joint pain and general feeling of being unwell, especially in the afternoon or right before going to the bathroom. Its very difficult to digress and decipher whats causing all of it. But I decided to go on to week 2. I will, however, tweak a few things. I will start mixing up my whey protein with egg protein, number one. I will also add on more vegetables or some kind of fiber in the form of flax or something else to my shakes. Thats the plan. I am clinging to the notion more and more that all of it could be ralated to Irritable Bowel Sundrome and Stress and Anxiety. But marching on towards second week!

Oh my God, I totally forgot. I did lose a total......drum beat please.........

8 pounds in week 1! I think its really good considering I did cheat few times. Once with vodka shots at my friend's circumcision and last night.

Day 6 and my poop!

2009-10-07T16:28:00.001-07:00

Be warned, this post contains some graphic depiction of reality in this blogger day to day life!

Ok, day 6 was more challenging than other days. I started having more and more abdominal cramps, loose stools and distended stomack. My poop was not coming with ease at all and when I accidently looked at it I noticed something rather unusual. My poop was full of some sticky yellowish glue like phlegm. It was alarming. I decided to read up on it and found out it could be anything from bacterail infection to infectious colitis to IBS which I might have had for a year now due to stress and anxiety. I decided to wait a day to see if it was just for a day. But it happened again, some strange fragments of jelly like yellowish mucosa attached to my poop. Now I am concerned. But as of this eveneing it seems to be subsiding as my poop is getting larger. So it may be due to some inflammation. However, I will have it checked to make sure. As far as my diet goes, I am starting to have other health issues along with stomack cramps. My anxiety seems to be getting worth and I am feeling lethargic in general. I am not sure if its my diet causing cramps and other symptoms or my anixety due to everything going on in my life. Nevertheless I am pressing on and so far had been able to complete a week of the plan. Thats a huge moral vicotry for me since I failed to do shake plan for at least 7 times and the most I ever lasted was 5 days or so. So week one is done and over with. I am not sure if i should go on with a second week or just pull the plug. I am just not feeling well at all! And my stomack is simply bothering me too much. I shall see. i may just hang in there for another week to finish it!

This is what I ate for day 6:

12 pm- power up shake

4 pm- power up shake

8 pm- 2 0z of mixed lamb and chicken, 3 oz of chevre cheese, 2 eggs, side salad 4 oz of swiss cheese( I did go overboard with cheese tonight, but I did it consciously and didnt feel bad about it, I really wanted some cheese)

12 am- power up shake

Day 5! Good news and bad news! I guess this is the new trend now for me.

2009-10-06T09:00:00.000-07:00

Heeeeeeeeeeelo wonderful readers of my English as second language blog! First, let me thank all of you for being there for me. Some I got to know a bit better than others, but I thank you all for your support, advices and comments. God willing I shall soon start videoblogging as I promised so many times. But for now this is all I have time for. My Mom is doing better and they did find a dangerous bacteria in her colon called Chlostrodium Fe something. It is very prevalent amongst antibiotic users and can overgrow causing infectious colitis and severe pain, diahrea and bunc of other symptoms. But good news is that they did find it, which can be a challenge at times and are treating it. So hopefully it will be killed and my Mom can restart chemo. But bad news is that her oncologist will have to delay her chemo treatment for at least two weeks until that nasty bacteria is murdered. At times this nasty bacteria gets so stubborn that it takes long time to get it down and that would be a very bad situation. But I did talk to it and told this bacteria that it needs to leave, and lol, so far it listened to me. It must be a male, because female people or female pets or female anything are not that compliant when it comes to me. But with male its simple. I told that bacteria yopu either live or it will get ugly buddy. And it just started to leave. But all jokes aside, I pray that it is killed very soon.

On a separate note, I am still pressing on with my shaky plan. It is getting progressively difficult to continue though. I dont know if its psychological or what but I started developing bloating, distended stomach, gas and tachycardia from drinking shakes. I even have mild diarrhea and cramps. I am not sure if it is so much protein and whey that I might be reacting to or may be something in a protein poweder. For now I am pushing ahead and will try to twitch it here or there to find a middle ground where I can be ok healthwise. But at this point I am starting to believe that it might be anxiety attacks triggering stomack distress. Before I thought it was stomach issues triggering anxiety attacks but may be not so. I have always been a hyper person but at this time additional stress in my life just releases way too much adrenalin causing all kinds of symptoms. At times I literally feel like bouncing off the wall with energy. It feels like a billion of massueses tickling my every cell and at times I feel like passing out with very fast heart rate, weak legs, sweatiness and lightheadeness. Ok, enough talking about anxiety and my shady brain. I am sure its not a very appetizing subject. So moving on to what I ate yesterday, here we go again:

12 pm- Power up shake

2 pm- 4 oz of mixed lamb, chicken and 2 oz of chevre cheese with 2 TBS of avocado and 1 tablespoon of butter with side salad of cucumber and tomatoes.

8 pm- Power up berry shake

11 pm- Power up shake

2 rollaids and 1 GasX pill. I was shocked to find out that every anit-gas medication or pill had either dextrose or starch in it. I was unable to find anything without it. So I took few with it. I know it is not the optimum way but I needed it. Plus I am still amazed that a but deviation doesnt screw me over as it used to. Being a bit of COD it is truly a miracle or may be I am indeed growing up! So I think a miracle would be more believable as all my ex-gfriends would have said. It is what it is as my friend Bush junior used to say! Thanks for reading!

Day 4 and circumcision!

2009-10-05T06:45:00.000-07:00

Day 4 was quite tiring, adventurous and tiring. I had to juggle my day between going to the hospital, food shopping and circumcision ceremony for my best friends new born son. I made my shakes with a new protein powder called Myofusion that I bought from netrition. It was quite good but contained a bit more carbs than other brands so I skipped on frozen berries. I did make a mistake and mixed my shakes with few spoons of cacao. I am starting to believe I am allergic to cacao. And I totally forgot that cacao is not allowed on first two weeks of the plan. Oh well! I made a boobooo. But instead of panicking and blowing the diet altogether as I might have done previously I just continued through my day. I think something amazing has been happening so far. I am not a perfectionist on this plan/ Before I would just be so pissed even going off a bit, but now I totally changed my way at least for now. Later in a day I went to observe my best friends son circumcision ceremony and witnessed both of my best friends crying hysterically. It was very emotional for them letting a stranger coming in the house and cause pain to the baby. So 10 minutes into the ceremony I started having stomack cramps and kind of burning sensation throughout my body. Soon after my heart rate was up in the 150 range and I started sweating profusely. I had experienced it before and tried to calm myself down. I knew it was partially a panic attack. I dont know what precipitates what, is it my IBS symptoms triggering panic attack or the other way around. But soon after it subsided, thanks God. If any of you guys ever experienced panic attack in the midst of 100 people in the room with no room to escape, it is not a good feeling. The ceremony was in the living room and the only way I could have escaped was to ask the Rabbi move the baby and the table for me to go outside. oops, wouldn't that be something! So I had to collect myself even though it is extreamly hard. When my body panics I have racing thoughts of impendign doom and all I want to do is just move around not stay still. Staying still makes it always worth. But it did go away even though it was so unpleasant for at least 10 minutes or so. Once I was able to go outside I felt much, much better! I did have to cheat las night. I mean I could have said no but I didnt. It is an absolute must to drink wine at the end of the ceremony. So I did a little. Then I had to drink few shots of vodka to my friends health. If i said no. I would be beheaded, lol! Before it spiraled out of control I slipped out of the party. But my friend caught me. I did however leave and spared myself more troubles. So instead of feeling a sense of failure I felt proud. I said to myself " Yes, I did go off a bit today but instead of totally blowing it, I just made sure to continue from where I left off. Overall it was ok!

12 pm- Power up chocolate shake

4 pm- Power up chocolate shake

7 pm- 2 oz of turkey breast, 2 oz of cheese, 1 oz of butter, 2 oz of salami 2 small shots of vodka and a sip of wine

11 pm- Power up chocolate shake

10 glasses of water, multivitamins.

A bit of an update! Day 3!

2009-10-04T09:04:00.000-07:00

I was planning to do a video blog on my journey for the longest time, however now with my mom being sick and in the hospital I am really pressing for time. But with God's help and my resolve I will do it sooner than later. There is a good news, not very good news and potentially bad news. Good news I am still hanging tight on the 6 weeks cure plan and for me surviving it for 4 days is truly big! I might have deviated a bit here or there but overall I have been right on! Not so good news that my Mom has been admitting in the hospital and is in a lot of pain. They are trying to rule out bowel obstruction or bowel seperation. Even morphine is not that effective at this point. However her tumore shrunk a bit so thats good. Potentially it could be from a life threatening bacteria which the hospital is trying to rule out. Hopefully, it is not and its just a bad inflammation. But time will show! I have a question for all of you guys who might read this. What kind of protein are you using and why? I started reading up a lot of research on whey protein and there is mixed reviews on whey protein I am using. Mine is Isopure 0 carb whey isolate which I like despite lots of people saying it tastes nasty. I read that J Rob whey protein that Sadekat is using is the best, but it is soooooooooooooooo expensive. It supposedly uses BCG free milk from organic cows and is all natural. But it is so expensive it would destroy my budget. it literally 10 times more expensive than other brand. I dont know, I know its probably worth it. Anyway, here is what I ate last night which was day 3 technically!

12 pm- Very berry Power up shake

4 pm- Very verry Power up shake

8 pm- Very berry Power up shake

11 pm- 5 oz of smoked salmon, 2 oz of chevre cheese, 2 Tbs of avocado or 3, didnt measure it

Lots of water, about 12-16 cups! I dont have a lot of time playing with my shakes. i usually do the whole batch early in the morning, keep it in the thermos and sip it all day long. I usually mix it up with 1-1.5 cups of Blue Diamond Breeze Almond milk+ 2-4 oz of heavy cream+ 6 scoops of Isopure protein+ 1 Tbsp of flax seed oil or fish oil+ 2 cups of ice+ 1 cup of mixed frozen berries and whaloooooa thats it and I use that batch for the whole day!

Day 2, I wish it was 14!

2009-10-02T19:27:00.000-07:00

I was managing well until later tonight. I am huuuuuuuuuungry. And I did exhuast my food supply for the day. I am planning to just bear with it. I dont want to get an additional food but if I really yhave to I will. It will be something very reasonable, like another protion of meat or hot dog. Better than feeling guilty and blow it all together. So far it has definitely been a challenge, no questions about it. But so far, so good! I will keep my fingers crossed and my devils at bay. I am still a big boy and I do work out with weights so it might be ok for me to add a little bit extra food in case of emergency hunger. And I dont think that is cheating. I asked dr Eades and he said it would be totally fine. But aghain I want to stick to the plan and just ride this thing through for two weeks. After all I had been planning to do it for almost a year now. And no success after so many tries. But for some reason I do believe I can do it now. Sadekat, I am still holding on. Its getting tighter but I am doing it. It reminds me of that Biggest Looser comptetition where they make stand on one leg and see who can do it the longest.So far so good!

12 pm- Strawberry Power up shake

4 pm- Blueberry Power up shake

10 pm- 3 eggs with 2 turkey hot dogs, 1 Tbsp avocado and 1/2 cup of sauteed mixed vegetable

12 am- Blueberry Power up shake

Ton of water! I am huuuuuuuuuuuungry!

2009-10-01T20:35:00.000-07:00

Today seemed to be a culmination of the past few days. I have kept my feelings totally hidden and it totally backfired on me. I felt like a cooker pressure with the whole world comin in on me. Last night seeing my Mom in such an excruciating pain and not being able to do a damn thing about was simply killing me from inside out. At one point the world was to believed to be flat or held by four elephants. Well, since the beginning of my life my Mom was those four elephants. She has been my best friend, my source of inspiration and I love her so very much. I am totally unequipped when it comes to seeing her being so fragile and weak. She had always been such a strong woman, a total backbone of the whole family. I never considered myself a momy's boy and she didnt spoil me even though I am the youngest one. Yes she still does treat me as a baby, but what mom doesnt! And yes my dad always said I am still on my mom's breast, lol, but I disagree! I and my father never got along. I love him a lot but we never see eye to eye on anything. He ran away from his mom's house when he was 13 and has been on his own ever since. But times were different then, it was in the midst of World War 2 and hunger. So he is a total survivor, a total maverick. Last night I and him had an altercation and he called me a disappointment. I felt crushed! He said had I had a family now and kids my mom would have probably be more at peace! I ran out of the house and for the first time in two years felt like smoking again! But I didnt and damn proud of it! But all that I had spinnining in my head were the words of my father! I felt like I had failed not only him but my ex-girlfriend who aborted my kid blaming me for it, my mother for not being a better son, my job. I just wanted to disappear! I never felt more lonely in my life. I was angry at myself, at my dad, at god at the whole wide world! I had the biggest urge to just drive away in a far, far away and start my life from scratch. But I knew it wouldnt happen, and plus its very difficult to run away from oneself! So this morning, being sleep deprived and mentally drained I created a perfect storm where my body just gave up! But I am now prepared to finally see professional help. I cant deal with it alone. For the longest time I kept denying help and postponing it. Where I come from its considered a total sign of weakness and despair. But screw stupid stereotypes and prejudices, I am not a teenager any more even though I do act like one at times. Again, I want to thank you for your support and care in this difficult time. This is what happened today. I had a total nervous break down! But I still pushed on with the program and managed to do fine on day 1 of blogger vs blogger chgallenge/

My starting weight= 227 pounds! I will take measurements tomorrow! I also had a flue shot today, never had it before.

Here is what I ate:

1 pm- 3 boiled eggs with 3 hot dogs and small tomato

4 pm- blueberry power up shake

7 pm- blueberry power up shake

9 pm- power up shake

Lots of super green cranberry tea for Trader Joe which I happen to like a lot. It didnt list caffeine as ingredient even though it might have some. But its really good.

Another challenge??????? What? Are you crazy?

2009-09-30T20:13:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am challenging myself again! I have failed at challenges and if you havent noticed yet, I am still doing them. Why? Its a long story and I will explain one day. But today..... Today is another day and another challenge. And someone is joining me in this ordeal! Yes, my fellow blogger Sadekat is jumping on board with me to finish or start two weeks of Dr Eades 6 weeks cure! I have tried it few times and each time I failed! So this is another time but with a more exciting twist! So here we go again! Blogger vs Blogger, Man vs Woman, East coast vs West coast! Who will it be? Sadekat, you are on girl! But in the end its all love in here so we are doing it for love! We are doing it for love of our bodies and for love of our weaknesses. As one wise man once said: where would one be has he not had weaknesses? Bring it on, bring it on!

How come are you still single?

2009-09-23T18:50:00.000-07:00

It might be a bit off subject, but then again it is not. Because the very subject of this blog is to grow, learn and accept. What is a weight loss without finding oursleves? Is the weight loss a simple manifestation of something else going on? May be much deeper than we are, something on a level that a naked eye cant see or the ego cant understand? I think it is! We go on diets, we get off of them. Then we change it to the word lifestly thinking it might be the lifesaving technique. But it is isnt until we learn who we are and where we should be and how to get there and finally accept and love who we are not who we think we should be or who others want us to become. One man smartly said that what other people think of you is non of your business! I love that saying! So going back to original question " How come am I still single?' My ex asked me that very question tonight after I spent 3 hours on the phone consoling her. She is an extraordinary girl and I have dated her for 4 years which was an all time record. Mind you, she hasnt been with anyone for more than 6 months in all of her 110 years, lol, kidding 35 years! So despite our tremendous differences I still stuck by her until day it had become obvious we werent going to make it as a couple. But I did everything I could to save our relationship and make something of it that it wasnt. Ok, fast forward to today. She has been dating another guy, who is a lawyer by trade and makes a lot of money just as she does. She is a financial investor on Wall Stree. That was a big issue between us, she could never accept my satisfaction with my job. But I could care less. I was who I was and wasnt going to budge it. She thought I was a philosopher whos idea of happiness was sitting by the fire watching the stars and play my guitar, and she was right. Our values were day and night. She was way too materialistic or me and I was way too spiritual for her. Fast forward to today. She called me and I asked me a question " why, despite of all I ever wanted, I am still depressed and feel empty? I off course joked first and said that it was because she was missing me. But coming to my senses i responded that may be thats not what she wanted, but thought so because others instilled it in her. We had a long conversation and she finally said " Ok, if you are so special as you are, how come you are still single? I paused and than told her a story that I once heard my mother tell me. There was a rich, intelligent man whos looks and charms left no woman indiffrent. He was perfect, one woman said, he is so rich another whispered and he is so darn sexy third one exclaimed! He was passing alone and one of them asked him " Sir with all your attrbutes how come are you still single? Well, started the man, all my life I was looking for a perfect woman. And I eventually found her! We stayed together for a while and she left me! Left you, how is that possible? Because she was looking for a PERFECT MAN! So in this story my mother once told me, lies a lot of wisdom. At times we look for a perfect mate, a perfect job or a perfect diet when in reality there is none. Life itself is not perfect and thankfully so. Once I heard that the most expensive things in life are our mistakes! But it could also be a blessing! So may be when we stop looking for perfection around us and in ourself we will trully find happiness! BTW I blew my 6 weeks again, si I am taking a bit of a break to regroup! No regrets, no sorry for myself feeling, just acceptance. I am accepting who I am, good and bad, because I am who I am and who I am is a creation of a perfect being! So until we meet again, Thank you and God bless you!

P.S. My mother is and will always be my best friend, my mentor and my ideal model of a woman! And not because she is my mother but because she is trully a special and unique woman. She has always been just, brave and loving! I have never remember my mother putting me down or not believing in me. Yes, she scolded me and yes she put me in my place, but she would always remind me that she loves me and she will always cheer me on as long as I am doing the right thing. And the right thing she said is in your hearts already! Love you mom and may God keep you around for many, many years because you are just that special!

Back to square one!

2009-09-22T19:23:00.000-07:00

I had a rough week recently and did slip off the plan. My Mother had a setback with her chemotherapy and was not tolerating new chemo very well. It put a lot of stress on me and my sister to see her suffer so much. For all of you who dont know my mother is going through a lot. She has been diagnosed with metastasized colon cancer, probably 4 st stage with possible spread to the lungs. She does have a huge mass in the liver. She had a surgery to implant a pump through her hepatic artery to feed chemo directly to the tumor cite. But she developed some post surgery complications and it took her much longer to recover. Then her surgeon came out and told me that if chemo doesnt work she has only few motnhs to live. That was sucha bummer considering how much my mom means to me. She has always been my best friend and life without her is like living without a sun! But I will not let this tumor get her donw and we will fight it to the best of both of our abilities. Its easier said than done and it is much more difficult for her than all of us. So recently her oncologist added another chemo drug that made her feel so lousy she needed hoospitalization. But again we will do our very best and I am ever so hopeful she can come out of it! Unfortunately that took some toll on my diet again. Off course it would be an excuse and i would never even think of using my failures on my mom's sickness. Life happens to all of us and it is our determintation and resolve that seperates loosers from winners and men from boys. So I havent grown up yet as far as this challenge goes. That being said i am not giving up! Back to square one and today was my first day being back on 6 weeks cure challenge! it was tough as I am still struggling to keep my emotional eating in check and my physilogical hunger at night. But its one day at a time!

1 pm- Isopure whey protein( 2 scoops)=
2 TBSP of heavy cream 1/2 cup of frozen strawberries=
1 scoop of Amazing chocolate super greens
1/2 tsp of flavored flaxseed oil
1 packet stevia

5 pm- Isopure whey protein( 2 scoops)=
2 TBSP of heavy cream 1/2 cup of frozen strawberries=
1 scoop of Amazing chocolate super greens
1/2 tsp of flavored flaxseed oil
1 packet stevia

10 pm- Isopure whey protein( 2 scoops)=
2 TBSP of heavy cream 1/2 cup of frozen strawberries=
1 scoop of Amazing chocolate super greens
1/2 tsp of flavored flaxseed oil
1 packet stevia

12 am- 2 eggs and 3 beef hot dogs

Energizer bunny you say, ha ha ha I can beat him to the curb today!

2009-09-18T18:56:00.001-07:00

I am on day 1 of 6 weeks cure! Yeahhhhhhhh! So far so good, shhhhhhhhhhhh! Dont wake up my demons while they are asleep! I hope and pray they are gone but if not at least went harbination so I can have my peace for at least two weeks and finish this cruel challenge that I started a year ago. Today was a strange day indeed! I havent had a good night sleep today or last night or last year or, well, you get the picture! I joined zipcar.com and decided to teste drive few cars. I have already driven BMW 328 i which was cool. But I would never buy it. Lots of power, yes, lots of prestige, yes. But lots of money and unnecessary emitions. So no to BMW! Then I test drove few others including Scion XB; Toyota prius and mini. The verdict is in! I would have never thought in a million years it would be this car but it stole my heart! Here we go, lets the drum beat..........Toyota prius! Loved it! There is something about it that made me ticklish and at 50 MPG how can you not feel orgazmic. Plus going green too! Ok, back to the nutrition. I felt ok, a bit hungry at night, what else is new but managable. I only drank two shakes though. Hopefully tomorrow I will start 100 percent on the plan. Bad news I gained 7 pounds being a bad boy lately and pigging out but good news is that I only gained 7 pounds piggin out and being a bad boy! So now I am now back to 230, actually I was 235 so I am still down 5 pounds!

12 pm- 3 eggs omelette with slice of tomato, a tsp olive oil and a can of trout in oil and vinegar!

5 pm- 2 scoops of chocolate peanut butter whey protein with water and stevia. ( didnt have any cream at work)

9 pm- same as 5 pm.

Oh boy Oh boy! Insanity, Insanity is knocking on my door again!

2009-09-17T07:15:00.000-07:00

I dont know what to do at this point. I failed miserably again. And this time not only did I get off the protein shake plan, I went off the low carb period. I did eat cookies, bread and other junk. And in all in all gained 8 pounds in the process. One thing I do know at this point is that I cant get emotional about it. I will instead keep analizing my mistakes and see what the culprits are and how to correct them. Last night I was desperate and was contemplating on quiting. I really thought about putting the end, throw the white flag and admit I just cant do it at this point. I still might, but not yet. I know its all psychological. But it has been long time coming and I must concur it. Dr Mike new plan asks for only two weeks sucrifice before embarking on 4 weeks of all you can eat meat part. So its only two weeks of endurance, liver cleansing and calorie restrictions. But boy oh boy is it tough. And the toughest part of me is not actually restricting cals but restricitng my reaction every time I deviate a bit. Every time I eat something extra even though its low carb I feel like the biggest failure and just go off alltogether. Thats the hardest part for me. I must do things 100 percent as prescribed or else I feel like the weakest and most failed person. I know its the head thing and I might admit at this point I might have a bit of obsesive-compulsive behaviour. But there has to be a way to just do it! And I am still looking. But what I leanrnt so far is that even if I do fail again I wont go off low carb. No way, it is just way too taxing on my body. I will just eat low carb instead. But for now the show must go on!

Attempt # 7 was no different than previous 6! It came to an early demise! Attempt #8 is coming up tomorrow!

2009-09-15T17:10:00.001-07:00

Ok, it was over before it even bagun. Fine! I did manage to screw it up royally this time! But not to worry, I am not upset or delusional about it. I know how to tweak it now or at least I believe I do. My problem is not that I cant sustain it, my problem is night eating. I am pretty much back to my crazy night shifts. I am running around like a rooster without a head all day long, so eating and overeating is not a problem. And protein shakes work perfectly. They are both convenient and satisfying. The problem arises at night again when I hit the comfy demain of my bedroom. My cat jumps on me, I turn on my favorite sitcome and I am relaxed. Then when hunger hits me, raising its ugly head, tickling my mind and saying " Hey fat boy, its me again, your hunger. Get up and feed me and you know there is no way you can say no! I neeeeeeeed to learn how to say NO to hunger! I am a perfectinist by nature, its eather 100 percent effort to a T or all hell breaks loose and hold me if you can or hide the food! I cant believe I am still even talking about my demons. So the only effective way I know how to combat it was to eat liberally and eat when hungry. That meant success. I wouldnt eat much in a day time, but would something at night, not a lot just enough. And now that I cant eat what I want makes me rebelious on subconscious level. So here is a plan! I will go at it again and again and again until I succeed. End of story!

What is it about restricitons that brings about defiance?

2009-09-14T22:15:00.000-07:00

Ok, I have decided to proceed with two weeks of protein shakes and one meal plan. I knew going in it was going to be tough. If it wasnt I would have been able to complete it by now. I have tried it numerous times to no avail. Each and every time it was a psychological struggle much more than a physical one. I naturally do not like restriciton! And anything that restricts my freedom, be it nutrition wise or anyhting else, makes me resist it on subconscious level. One of the most attractive feature of the low carb lifestyle is an ability to eat liberally without counting calories. And it gives you freedom. Yes, from time to time we need to vary even the low carb lifestyle, but as far as eating to satisfaction, there is no problem there. Protein shakes and one meal plan as described in Dr Eades new book is both challenging and rewarding! But boy is it tough! And I went off the low carb few days before allowing myslef to eat food that I knew wasnt good for me. Low carb is a prescribed philosophy and it is a lifestyle. There is no need for us to get off of it in order to cheat. But going on a more restricted two weeks of protein shakes makes my subconscious mind rebel. And it does rebel by wanting to eat junk in anticipation of upcoming punishment.Therefore I dont believe in protein shakes only, at least for long term. The whole reason low carb is successful for people like me is that I dont have to restrict myself calories wise. So with Gods help and my resolve I will be finishing these two next week of an old challenge so I can have some closure! It has been way too personal! I finished day one today! First day, first check. I wanted to videotype my journey but will not be able to do it due to lack of time and quite frankly lack of energy. By the time I come home I dont have it in me to videotape it. But I will eventually get to it as promised!

3 protein shakes
2 turkey hot dogs
2 tablesppons avocado

I am back!

2009-09-12T08:30:00.000-07:00

I am totally back! This Sunday should be the day when I totally retry my protein shake and one meal plan again. Who would have thought that my plan which was the whole theme of this blog would be the exact plan Dr Eades created for his first two weeks in his new book. I mean its that much similar! So if I was doubtful even a week ago about giving it another shot, I am no more. I am giving it another shot! And this time it should be on video tube like youtube to document it every day, struggles and all! I have no illusion about it. It will be tough, it will be boring, and it will be long. But the most important thing to know that it Will Be! I am back baby, so do not try to stop me now! And to my dear female friend who thought men are weaker, I say loud and clear again " No female will ever beat in any competitive activity, diet or not! The only thing they will ever beat me in is diaper changing, an art of seduction and thats about it! So there I said it women, deal with it! I am baaaaaaaack!

What is a man to do?

2009-09-04T16:44:00.000-07:00

To do or not to do, that is a question of the day! Well, as you all know, all 3 of my followers, I challenged myself at least 5 times to finish a program composed of 5 protein shakes and one wholesome meal. To my own dismay and to others as well, that program came to early demise and each and every time. Until one day I decided to man up and quit. Yes, it is manly at times to just admit your faults and weaknesses and throw in a towel! All was nice and dandy until one day an evil female friend of mine happened to read my blog. She decided I was way too weak and knowing my never ending competetive nature decided to challenge me. And she did. She embarked on my own program, yes created by me, organized by me and finished it with flying colors loosing around 25 pounds within 4 weeks peroid. Not only did she successfully completed it but also started to get under my skin by rubbing it in my face. I was holding up just fine, ok almost fine. I kept insisting that I grew up and I am not a teenager any more. But........... not all is well in Vadim's nutritional Kingdom any more. I cant sleep well knowing that a woman beat me! I am in no way, shape or form a sexist, but I dont believe in loosing to a woman in anything! Here you go I said it. The only field a woman should be able to beat me is kneeding, diaper changing and seducing! Other then that I am a man who doesnt take loosing lightly especially from females. So here is my dilemma! What would be a more manly thing to do? Should I just grow up and admit she beat me to the curb or should I rise above my weakness and take one for a men team and prove to my best friend that this man will beat any woman in any comptetetive sport given same conditions. Please advice!

Have you guys ever felt confused even on low carb?

2009-08-08T07:51:00.000-07:00

Here is a funny joke I hope to translate. I am sure every contry has a region thats made fun of, in Russia it was Georgia. Georgia was southern part of Soviet union sitting high above the sea level in the midst of the beautiful Caucus. Georgians were known for their spicy personalities, love for women and great wine. and very funny toasts, jokes and stories. Here is one I would lie to share with you that illustrates the state of confusion even while being on the low carb lifestyle. damn I still keep saying that word "diet" which I dont mean. it must be still engraved in my subconcsious mind. Ok, now to my joke and my point: A Georgian man talking to another person sitting next to him at the wedding: Hey, i have been to many, many, many weddings but this one is by far the most unusual. Everything is so confusing. I cant even figure out if the bride is he or is it she? The person sitting next to him replies: You damn fool, this bride is my beautiful daughter and if you dont apologize i will personally stick a sharp knife right into your stupid head! I am deeply sorry sais the man, and i didnt know you are the bride's father! I think you truly want to die , I am the bride's mother! Confusions, confusions, confusions! I have recently started researching paleolithic lifestyle again and stumble upon Art Deveny. That man looks better at 71 than I looked at 5. He is doing soemthing right. So I started researching his lifestyle and listening to his interviews, including one he recently did with Jimmy Moore. I like his message. he does advocates a lot of intresting things. I also noticed that few of our beloved bloggers such as Sadekat and Erika started experimenting with modifying their lifestyles in relentless attempt to find a prefect plan. But does it exist? Does a perfect diet exist, does a perfect man or woman exist? I say no, because we are imperfect creatures living in imperfect world! But rather than saying perfect we say the word right! Right man, right woman and right diets do exist! So ita all about finding the right one whatever it might be! I once dated a woman whos voice was deeper than a horse in labor, her strenth was that of the Hercules but her heart was the size of the universe. She was the perfect one for me at that time! So its all relative said my brother einstein and I agree with him!

The longest distance in the entire universe is that from one's head to the heart!

2009-08-07T08:52:00.000-07:00

My dear, dear readers! Do I still have some of you out there? If you are around come by and say hi! Well, Life has been very challenging for me lately. All my life I was kind of protected, shelled from dispair, misery or tragedies. I would contemplate few different scenarious in my head, but that would be as far as I would experience it, just in my head. I had always been kind of care-free, live for today kind of guy. And reality of life was one that was relatively happy, peaceful and predictable. Did I have adversaties? Sure. But did I handle them well? Well, not really. I alwasy thought adversaties were just like a potholes. You try to avoid them at all cost but if you do hit them in the middle of the road, just ignore them and go on with the rest of the trip. Not for a minute I would start thinking about adversaties in a way that others do. May be adversaties are given to us or created to us to either learn from them or is a way of Life to seek our attention. Kind of like a symptom is a a warning sign that not everything is so rosy in ones's castle. Well, to be continiued! My boss just called me into her office so I have to rush but I ll be back. I promised to do a vide blog and I will. Its coming and its coming very soon, hopefully today. Stay tuned my friends and I will update you on whats going on with my mom, myslef and my adversaties! But all I can tell you now is that I am growing up. A bit late at 37 but thats the road I chose.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart!

2009-07-21T13:15:00.000-07:00

I want to express my deepest gratitude and appreciation to all of you guys for you support and kind words!

All roads lead to death! But timing of it is crucial!

2009-07-15T14:58:00.000-07:00

I am going through one of the most difficult period of my life. My Mother have been having flank pain under the ribs on the right side for 4 months now with accompanied fever. She had done some test but nothing was specific enouph to diagnose a problem. I took her to ER last friday and they found multiple nodules-lesions on her liver and both lungs. She has always been a glue of our family and a survival of two cancers before. I just hope and pray that there is small chance it could be infection or something treatable. I will start video bloggin soon!

Doctor, can you diagnose me as weird and not a failure?

2009-06-26T15:01:00.000-07:00

I want to share a nice joke I once read. It is in russian so I hope it doesnt lose a meaning in translation. Here it is! A young woman goes to a doctor and complains that her husband cant satisfy her. The doctor sais" Well, why dont you find yourslef a lover then? A woman replies" I did, and he doesnt hit the spot either" Well, sais a doctor why dont you find a second one? A woman sais " I have four of them , and none can really satisfy me. You know what sais the doc, you are very strange! Thanks God doctor sais the woman! Can you give me this diagnosis in writing that I am strange because everyone keeps saying I am slut!!!!! Well, I have failed again! I gained 5 pounds back. And it is getting personal to a point where I am not angry but rather curious. I wont call myself weird or a failure! I must learn myself and understand why I subotage myself the way I do and how to keep emotional eating at bay! So this is my next trial. I hope to blog soon again and keep it somewhat consistent. If there is anyone still listening, thanks! And I do mean it from the bottom of my heart!

So much to share, so little time!

2009-06-15T15:31:00.000-07:00

Ok guys, as pormised I am writing this very post. Lots of things changed since I last wrote the post. I now do own a wondeful Ragdoll baby boy. He is full of energy, spunk and attitude. But he is simply an invaluable addition to my family. He is a pain in the rear side at times but what a gift! I had to drive 5 hours away to get him from a breeder. Ragdolls are hard to come by where I live and I wanted to make sure I got him from a reputable place. I know some people will never understand why buy a kitten instead of rescuing one, but both I and my parents are very inexperienced cat owners and adopting a cat can and is very challenging at times. Raising a baby is much easier as he is still litte and growing up. He is still full of challenges but I am so happy to have him. His name is Saadya and I will post pics of him soon. Did you know that there is just as much controversy in the cat food industry world about whats to feed a cat as in human one. Lots of cats are coming up with same diseases as humans, especially diabetes. Know why? I think you probably do. Becuase many cat food manufacturers are using soy, corn meal and other cheap carb substitutes to make the food. And cats, unlike humans are completely carnivores not omnivores. So I had to buy him much more expensive food which is the lowest carb content on the market. So, yes, my cat is on the low carb too!

Ok, now a bit of update about me. My symptoms of irregular heart beat, tachycardia, headackes and general fatigue seem to subside and walk away, knock on wood. I am pretty sure that all that scare was attributed to induction. At least thats my biggest hope. For the first 3 days I had no appetite and felt completely awful,so bad that life itslef seemed like punishment. Thanks God I am better now. I will continue to blog my menus and my struggles, but forgive me if i miss a day or two, lol or week!

My weight is 230 pounds now! I did lose 5 pounds but need to lose 60 more.

Today I ate:

Breakfast: 2 chicken meatballs with spinach, artichoke and sun dried tomatoes
1/2 cup of mushrooms
2 oz pistachio nuts

Lunch: 1 can of water packed sardines with avocado, roasted pepper and grilled eggplant slices and squash

Dinner: 1 can of water packed sardines with avocado, roasted pepper and grilled eggplant slices and squash

I will be back tomorrow!

2009-06-13T19:53:00.000-07:00

I am fine, my cat is a joy and I will be back tomorrow blogging! I am honored to still have you guys believing in me and checking on me! Thanks!

I must get this fat monkey off my back!

2009-06-03T20:55:00.000-07:00

I dont know if anyone is even listening at this point, but just in case anyone is here is whats been happening. I have been on a relatively low carb regimen and it worked fine, but no weight loss. I did eat to satisfaction and even a bit more at times. I enjoyed it too. I ate sweet tasting food and loved it. I would eat wholesome food as well but needed to supplement it with sweet tasting snacks and mostly at night. I loved low carb carb countdown chocolate milk sweetened with stevia and mixed with frozen berries and silvered almonds. But weight loss it wasnt. My health scare seemed to subside. It was truly scary and very debilitating. I dont know what it was and will keep praying its over. But here is my resolution for the next two weeks. I need to start reducing waist wise and fat wise. I need to stop using sweet tasting food and go to the foundation Atkin based induction for at least two weeks to get my weight on downward trend. So starting Friday I will embark on two weeks Atkins induction and I pray I will not go through induction flu that will bring on those scary irregular heart beats and extreame fatigue. But somehow I think it wont. So beginning Friday I will blog my new journey every day. If anyone is still listening off course!

It has been a week since I started low carbing back and ha, mixed results!

2009-05-25T16:06:00.000-07:00

I started back a week ago. I have good and not so good news. Good news is that I managed to avoid all the nasty symptoms of induction. Bad news is that I only lost 0.5 pounds. But when I plugged the number I realized I was eating way too many carbs and probably a bit too many calories. I was probably subconsciously trying to avoid eating too little carbs so not to bring on onset of nasty symptoms I have been experiencing since last month. I was eating quite liberal amount of frozen blueberries mixed with silvered almonds and buttermilk. Quite yammy. If I learnt one thing is that I can eat healthy mix of things and eat to satisfaction and not gain weight. But for now the idea is to lose and lose quite a lot. So this week I will heat it up a notch to make sure I am in burning mode not maintanance.

Today I ate: So far at least

14 oz cauliflower mixed with 1 oz of baby mozarella and 1 tablespoon of coconut oil
1.5 oz silvered almonds
6 oz of cooked turkey breat
1/2 cup of mixed low carb vegetables
i protein shake

My first day back on low carb wagon! It hurts a bit and I am sluggish!

2009-05-18T17:39:00.000-07:00

I am back on low carb. I have had a headacke all day long, not sure if its from switching to low carb and being in ketosis or my ongoing health issues. It was very managable though, pray to God it stays that way and doesnt get any worth.

Here is what I ate:

1 salmon burger with side salad

1 salmon burger with Shirataki noodles with mushrooms

1 salmon burger with Shirataki noodles with mushrooms

1 cup of Organic Kefir with 1/3 cup of organic wild blueberries

I made salmon burgers from Alaskan canned salmon and mixed it with two eggs and half a cup almond flour. I fried it with 3 tablespoon of coconut oil.

I will keep my fingers crossed that induction for the next two weeks will not provoke any health scare as it is a bit of shock to my body. But gotta stay positive!

Hellooooooooo!

2009-05-15T15:07:00.000-07:00

I am still not fully low carbing yet. But getting there. I am not in a good place healthwise. My symptoms are getting worse and worth and I am trying to figure it all out. I know that they are there to teach me something. I know that it didnt kill me yet, and I know they probably wont. My doctor and few other doctors are clinging to the notion its panick attacks triggered by stress, both psychological and physilogical. But if any of you out there ever experienced full blown panick attack, share your experinces. I am not talking about anxiety here and there or chronic worries, I am talking about panick attack. Here is my experience with them. The other day I had a lot of stress at work to a point where I wanted to just quit. It was just too much to bear. I wanted to fight for myslef, but opted out of it because fighting with my boss can and is more stressful than not. I chose to simply send her email and let her know everything I thought of her. Well it didnt help. She is very stubborn and very self-centerd. Everything that she does wrong is just a learning curve, everything everyone else does wrong is lack of effort. But hey its life. What bothers me at this point is that I cant deal with it in a way that wouldnt bring on debilitationg panick symptoms. I used to ans still am a very standish guy, but whats different is the way my body reacts to me being angry, stressed or anxious. I crave simple life, may be a farm, animals, lots of kids , a lovely wife and no bosses! Lol, may be one day! I decided to start practicing Radical Humility at this point. I think its the only way to happiness for me. I realized I cant be confrantational unless I start smoking weed or be on Valim, lol, either one is not my cup of tea. I remember few years back, more like 15 when I first came here, I was in a stress reduction class. I couldnt quite understand why such a class would be part of college education. I came from a small town in Russia where life was simple, fulfilled and stress-free, unless chasing by a raging bull after you tickled his pride was considered stress. For me it was fun, lol. Oh, those years when you are young, care-free and stupid, where have you gone!

So here we are. Here is an example how bad panick attack can be. I came to work the other day tired. Havent had a good night sleep. It was nighmare. I ate a lot before bed. Then I fell asleep. I had awakened few times from sleep with my heart beating so fast and irregular that my whole body was shaking. I was scared and sweaty. But decided to just overpower the symptoms by going back to sleep and I did. Well, the next day at work I was experiencing palpitations, profusing sweating and an enormous scare. A feeling of impending doom, like God was calling on me to go home, lol. I tried to sit, didnt help. I tried to deep breath, didnt help. Nothong helped. I started panicking. I then jumped into my car and started driving. I didnt know where or why. I just wanted to go and go and go and literally drive those symptoms away. I was crying, I was helpless. I was scared. It was a hellish feeling of desperation and no help. I contemplated on calling "911" but knew fair well that it wouldnt help. Because they would administer saline solution and it would all go away on its own. I was in agony. Finally I called my sister and asked her to meet me outside her place of work. I needed to be with someone I knew. The feeling of dying is so real in panick attacks. My heart was beating irregular and so forcefully. I was hyperventilating and sweating profusely. MY mind was racing all over and I was consumed with terror and feeling of hopelessness. Then I decided to take a beta-blocker my doctor prescribed. In 5 minutes litterally I started feeling better. My heart was slowing down, the mental scare and fog was lifted. I was back on Earth. 30 minutes later all the symptoms were gone but I felt calm and tired. i went home and took the best nap of my life. Half an hour later I was up and running again. Soon I was tired again and my blood pressure was 100/60 . Beta-bloker lowers blood pressure but it was fine. I went to the gym and had the best 20 minutes of weight lifting exercise I had in a while. My heart was not beating strongly, no irregularity and most of all, I was quite strong. It was such a relief and felt as God himslef administerd it. So I am still struggling but will see a speacialist soon that deal with panick attacks. Meanwhile my doctor is doing other tests to rule out any pathology or any other illnesses that might be causing my symptoms. Anyway, thank you all for your continued support and I hope to be food bloggin soon. See you!

I am full of it and it doenst want to leave!

2009-05-06T16:05:00.000-07:00

I want to thank all of you guys for being so supportive. I have never met any one of you but feel we have known each other for so long. I am still sick or at least I still feel discustingly not ok. I have been to a cardiologist and he found an extra systolic beat in my heart. I did 24 hours holter monitor and it showed infrequent PVC( premature ventricular contraction) . But my cardiologist thinks it might be triggered by some kind of physilogical stress or anxiety. For the past two weeks or so I have been in hell as far as my symptoms. I feel good in the morning and then during the day and at night I feel dead. It all starts with stretching pain in my stomack and I feel bloated. If I sit donw, I am ok, but as soon as I walk up the stairs I feel short of breath, cold sweat and palpitation. I have to immediately sit or I feel like fainting. I take alka-selzer and it helps a lot, but not for long. I have been off the low carb for now but still havent felt any better. I still try to eat mostly lower carb though. I will try to update soon. I just hope it all goes away. I feel full of it!

I have been suffering from some mysterious symptoms! I prey to God I will find some answers soon!

2009-04-29T19:48:00.000-07:00

Hi guys! i am sorry for not posting for such a long time! I have been sick for a week now. It was really bad over the weekend and not its getting better, but not nearly good. This past Saturday I had a bout of tachycardia to a point where i couldnt walk half a block . It started a week ago but gotten worsened over the weekend. I have spasmatic pain in my stomack area when its happening and then heart starts racing. i havent been eating much lately and lost 10 pounds. I think its a combination of some bug plus anxiety. i started taking beta-blockers and feel a bit better , at least I can work now, but i still cant work out or do any meaningful physical activity. I will update soon. i have been mostly on lower carb diet, but I do eat few fruits and a pice of whole grain bread here and there.

Since it is a food blog, I felt a need to be a bad boy and break the rules!

2009-04-07T19:59:00.000-07:00

I felt compelled to share this very letter that i sent my boss. She started having a more informal conversations with me to understand me better so we can move on to a better work environment! I feel few of you guus might indeed appreciate this story as it describes me a bit and where i come from. BTW I am fully back on a low carb wagon and intend do blog about it very soon!

You are generous with compliments! How else did I gain almost 30 pounds in the last year, lol? I should be able to work day time. I will have to reschedule few of the projects I am involved, but it should be no problem. My schedule is pretty much flexible right now. I am working on my issues now that are slowing me down on all levels. I had solved few of them already so hopefully by the time you go on maternity leave I am shooting on all cylinders instead of just one. My machine has been running low on fuel, but I am working hard to fix it. As far as my intelligence goes, you are greatly exaggerating. Yes, i did score 130 on IQ test and I did graduate in 10% of my class or was it 2%, well not important, but if i had a brain with those numbers I would be dangerous! I am suffering with identity issue according to the psychologist I am seing now. She said I want to be free and independent and not to conform to society rules and yet I still have to just because I live in one. But if you ask me that's bunch of frog's testicle fluid. I think unless you are Oprah or Hugh Huffner , you do have some kind of identity issue. But she insists I do have identity crisis at the moment. Well, her IQ is 129 so I dont think she knows any better, lol. She does say i am horrible patient and a very dismissive one, even though I make her laugh. I think time to stop seeing psychologists. They do find more problems tha solutions! But to be frank I am struggling with identity issues. I dont know who Vadim is at the moment! It freaks me out a bit but thats life. When I was younger, I was a go getter, kind of go grab life by its balls kind of guys. But it was way too much as my extreme personality shined through with flying colours. I never took no for an answer. If I was pursuing a girl and she said no, it was yes in my opinion but hse didnt know it. I was stubborn and never gave up. If I knocked on a girl's door and she didnt open, I would get through the window. if all windows and doors were closed I would knock the house down, build a new one, put the girl there and start all over. I have many stories that are both funny and educational, may be one of these days I will write a compilation of essays. For example back in my school years, I was very good student yet never worked as hard or nearly as hard as I could. In Russia, education systemsomeone's is completely different than USA. There were no multiple choice, every test was a verbal one in front of the whole class. So the teacher would assign homework and scroll through the roster to call on someones' name to get in front of the blackboard and answer her questions. One time Russian Literature Teacher assigned for the whole class to read Mother by Gorki's, who was and still is my favorite writer. It was world's soccer tournament and naturally no-one read anything. Given the fact that I was called upon a day before and gotten an A, I figured my turn was not yet near to be called. She asked if anyone wanted to volunteer and go in front of the blackboard to tell the whole class about Mother written by Gorkiy. Noone read it and everyone in the class was hiding shamefully behind other's backs. Silence was the name of the game. I was the only one looking ever so proudly in the direction of the teacher. I was so sure she wouldnt call on me as I was sure the sun was going to rise next morning. She did call on me before after all. And usually teachers dont call on the same students twice in a roll unless your name is Vadim or you look both cocky and confident. But my confidence was all for the wrong reasons. See, not very intelligent! She said " Vadim, you look like the only guy in class that is ready to surprise me today" Or was she ver right about that, it was a surprise to her, more like a shock if you ask me. I was doomed! I hadnt read it , I was busy watching soccer a day before. But I couldnt just say " Please spare the embarrassment and excuse me today as I havent read it. No, I was way too creative to just do that. I walked in front of my teacher, stood by the blackboard and started yapping away! I was on a roll, and noone could stop me. All my fellow students were rising out of their shameless shells to hear me speak ever so eloquently about Mother. The more my fellow students were astounded by me, the more my teacher was looking pale. After i was finished the whole class erupted in applauds. They were all so proud of me. After all i was the only one who read Mother by Gorkiy! After my teacher recovered from a mini stroke she had suffered, she quietly said " Vadim, who's mother were you reciting? It surely wasnt Mother by Gorkiy! She then said " I will give you C for creativity but everyone else who was applauding your nonsense will get an F! People still swear that the Mother I was telling them about was better then Gorkiy! It is still the story that mothers tell their kids in my school! When I was growing up all that knew me would tell me how gifted and talented i was and how one day i would change the world. And I believed them. Vanity is indeed a big sin! So coming to this country I was certain to be destined for bigger and better things. Then my life would start shaping up like any other person's would. Going to shcool, studying useless information just to fit it, to conform. All my dreams of doing better and better things were fading away. I simply felt like a Zombi, a robot that was programmed and shaped by someone's else beliefs. materialistic women that would tell me how wonderful I was and how much fun they had being around me to only drop me for another guy who was a bit more well off financially. I started developing complex after complex, questioning everything i once thought i was capable of doing. I was fed bunch of lollipops, hence gaining weight. Food had become my refuge, my only true friend and so were cigarrettes. I said, what a heck if there is all there is out there for me, i might as well just go with the flow and be like everyone else. Then I started studying La Tzu and Taoism. All of a sudden I become humble, peaceful and reserved Vadim. i was more like a palm tree, flexible, yet strong. I was adopting to a theory that my life is not an accident and everything was there for me already predestined. I believed that no matter what I did, it was the right thing to do! So somewhere between feisty and stubborn Vaidm of the past and laid back and philosophical Vadim of the presnt, I got totally lost! I am trying my hardest to figure it out, the sooner the better! I dont know why I had to burden you with this story. But once i started i couldnt stop. BTW, I was typing it on my break, lol! I have tons of other stories that i wouldnt change for the world. Those memories are priceless! I always wanted to tell the infamous story to everyone at the staff development event but had no time. I told Liam this story and he literally stopped talking to me for a month! It is indeed wild, may be one day I will share it! Just to preview it, I once was offered $100,000 dollars to sleep with a beautiful call girl by a major leaguer on drugs! I challenge his ego and he wanted to prove to me that everyhting in this world has a price tag! Well i proved him wrong. Damn, was I dumb! You see another instance of my lack of intelligence! Regina, I will be forever thankful to the Student Center no matter what. I own my smoking cessation to it, thats worth more than I will probably know or appreciate. And I do understand the rules of the game! I love sports, amnd in sports they say you are only as good as your last at bat! I just felt compelled to share few stories about me stories about my life to have a better understanding of how complex my gemini personality is. Can I use this looooooooong letter as a staff development tool? I promise I wouldnt do it anymore. And i honestly hope my performance and your expectations are met sooner than later. And if not I will fully bear the consequences! In no way, shape or form I feel above the rules, and I know you are very fair!

Disclaimer: This letter is not a way for me to sweeten my boss's relationship with me! lol. I just love to share my experiences, especially with those who can appreciate it. Sorry for the spelling mistakes and grammar. i was just flowing! Thanks for your kind words when I deserve it!

A house of 10,000 matches! At times we need to destroy an old destructive house to be able to build a new, more fundamentally sound and healthy one!

2009-04-06T10:30:00.000-07:00

When I was a little boy and even more like a teenager, one of the most fascinated thing to me was power of distraction. My mother told me stories that when I was about 3 years old I would patiently wait for hours on te beach to get a chance to destroy sand castles that other kids built. I would quietly watch boys bring small buckets of water to girls who were building up sand castles. Then I would wait till they were a bit distracted and sneaked in on them to put it down. It would always fascinate me how fast and hard it is to build something and how it easy it was to destroy it. I have a huge scar on my left hand, more like an attached flap on my finger from glass hitting my hand, I almost lost my hand when I was about 12 or so. My sister is 7 years older than me, and she was one of this girl that did everything right, by the book, so to speak! She was a straight A student, community leader, pride of the family! I was, well...... not so much pride of anyone when I was growing up. Denise Menace so to speak. All my teachers told my Mom that I was way more gifted than my sister but never cared enough to realize my full potential. I and my sister used to collect different things for hobbies. I was also collecting sport memorabilia. I was a huge sport fanatic, still kind of am. She used to collect color matches and build up houses out of it. She won many prizes for it. One day my family had a big family gathering for my sister's birthday. It was a day that I hated. Everyone would give her millions of compliments and told her how proud they were of her. She was this and she was that! I would sit quietly in the corner of the room until it was over. I never liked adults much when I was younger. They were mean and fake in my opinion and very old. At the end of the night one of the geniuses would remember a little kid sitting in the corner and said " Oh Vadim you will accomplish something too, dont feel so bad. You will just have to work as hard as your sister''. I wasnt jealous or anything but couldn't understand why adult had to give fake compliments or console the kid who they managed not to see all evening. Was it a way to compensate for their lack of attention to a kid who wasnt so perfect according to society ways? Its like here suck on this lollipop and when you do better come and talk to us, otherwise just sit in the corner and be quiet. Since that day I always have hard time with big, official corporate like events. Many adults, many lollipops. Going back to that eveneing when my sister got all her prized compliments. When the event was over she passed by me and said " See, brother, when you do well in school and work your hardest, many respect and adore you. So stop being a menace and be like me, arent you proud to have me in your life so you can emulate! I do now, not then! I was pissed at her for being such a brag. I couldnt wait for the evening to go over. But before it was indeed over, there was one more compliment for her that broke a Camel's back! It was on my sister's house that se built with 10,000 matches. It was a piece of art! My uncle was a captain of the big ship and traveled extensively around the world. He would bring my sister many big wooden matches fro her to build her houses. This particular house of 10000 matches won many awards and countless praises and compliments for her! The house was magnificent and colorful. Roof was made of mixed red and green matches, more like renaissance times. Windows of made out of yellow and so on. So after the evening was over and I finally could have my quite moment, a bad thought came into my mind. I wanted to rebel against compliments and rewards, against society so to speak. Do you know what I did????????????? I think you do, lol!

I burnt the house of 10000 matches! I never felt so free! That house stood as a symbol in my silly haead at the time of fakeness and many compliments I couldnt stomach. Little did I know at the time that it was indeed a symbol of hard work and perseverance! I do now, lol. what did my sister do? When she came home and saw the house being burnt that took 6 month to build match by match, she temporaryu lost her mind. She grabbed a knife and ran after me. I ran into the kitchen and slammed the glass so hard that a piece of glass cracked and took off my left finger. I was taken to the ambulance and my finger was saved but a flap and a big scar still remains as a reminder of my destructive ways. She still claims today that she was trying to cut my fingers so I couldnt destroy anything any more. If you ask me, I think she went for my head, lol! We are , by the way, are best friends now. I swore that day that for the rest of my life, I will try to create and build instead of demolishing. May be that's why I still cant stand compliments. I havent built much or creatwed much since. But I havent destroyed much either, lol, I think! So when I try to create something, even on a miniature stature, like a Green board, expectations are so high in my subconscious mind, that's its hard to match unless its Leonardo De Vinci kind of board. Sorry for the long story, but i had to sort of expain a history so u can understand. And I dont tell this story often.Its just when it hits the right cord I do, and when I start telling, its usually a long story. Like I once said ''To make a short story long""" But i cant help at times. If you read this far without deleting, you have a lot of patience. Anyway, thanks for the compliments but I honestly think I could have done much, much better. It was just ok . May be good enough for one compliment, lol! But I guess I am hard at myself at times. May be because I still haven't delivered that promise that I gave as a young boy and its bothering me! Anyway, I am working on it and have a little more time, I hope, to achieve!

I am still working on it. Not hard, not hard enough. But I know, I know and I do know it will happen. So help me God!

Whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a fat man?

2009-04-01T22:47:00.000-07:00

I totally let it go tonight! I ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and then......... I ate and ate and ate and ate and ate.....and then I couldnt eat any more, so I ate no more!

But its ok! Yes, you heard me right, its ok! I fell hard on my face but while I was down a big lightbulb came on. And while the light bulb came on I saw the light! I got it! I got it, I got it! I am back in the loop! I found the answer I was looking for all this time that I was gaining weight. I must go back to the roots of the low carb life, basics so to speak, fundamentals so to write. And while I was down guess who came to mind? Harry! I saw his menu, his wonderful variety of low carb wholesome food and consistent resolve. I need to eat wholesome and real food. And that requires preparation, planning and imagination. So back to induction. For the first time since I started doing low carb I truly want to go to induction. May be because it symbolises a new beginning, a new step toward hope for better results!

I am sick and tired of being pregnant for so long. My boss was having an emotional day at work. i caught her in a wrong moment and she yelled at me for no particular reasons. Well, I gave her the LOOK. I give her THE LOOK every time she pisses me off. She said, listen, wrong day to get on my nerves. I said " I know how you feel". She asked me sarcastically " Do you really? " I said ''I do really! But unlike your pregnancy mine has been more than 9 months! She gave me THE LOOK and went back to her office! I love women!

I am seriously wounded but not left for dead yet!

2009-03-31T23:00:00.000-07:00

I have gone above and beyound in stupidity101 and stubborness 102 classes. Life had thrown me few curve balls and I crumbled like a cheap Russian automobile. I have gained loooooooooots of weight and now at 245 pounds which is way above what I have been in years! I have been on a low carb regimen for the past 3 weeks but havent lost a pound. But I did eat a ton. I did exercise a ton too. So it might be that I gained some muscle along the way, I definitely lift heavier now. As a matrer of fact I did manage to set my personal best in bench press and back pulls. That said I can stand to lose a lot iof weight. I drew one important conclusion. I can eat to a full staisfaction on a low carb and not gain weight. But to lose weight I need to drastically reduce my overall caloric intake. I really belive its the only way out. Either that or stop eating low carb treats and lots of dairies, but then it will become boring since I am not an avid meat eater. We shall see. I am leaning toward mixed and match strategy. Hope to keep you posted, at least those few ones that are atill intrested.

Challenge it is not, but something to aim for it is!

2009-03-05T14:47:00.000-08:00

Ok, dear followers of my insane ever changing blog! Here I come again! In 100 or so days blogging I have done everything or almost everything wrong. And the first and most important thing I did wrong was to challenge myself doing things that I wasnt ready to do! Challenges are fun and bring out the best in people. It is absolutely ok for people to challenge themselves to aim higher, dream bigger and live fuller! Challenges bring out the best in people and let them discover bounderies are only mental limitations. However saying all that one needs to be psychologically ready. And I for one was not! So I am deciding to aim for much easier tasks. I will aim to stay on low carb for 100 days without breaking it. I will not attempt to weigh myself or count calories. I will count carbs though or at least try to be as clean as possible! I am now at my third highest weight ever= 250 pounds! I would always wait till Mondays or New Year or new this or new that to start new and healthier life. Why not start Thursday? Every time I started Thursday I failed. I know its in my head. Time to break free of that mindset. I am starting today, Thursday and count down 100 days to low carb life. Let me define Low carb life as I see it. I will definitely attempt to stay below 50 grams of total carbs a day! I will keep my fingers crossed and I know its absolutely doable. Will it be perfect? I know it probably wont, but is it doable? I know it is, I did for 6 month last year. It wont be purist low carb as some define it ,but it will be low carb the way I see it and it will keep my insulin low! Here we go, DAY 1 is today! Here we go again!

What is that?

2009-03-03T23:04:00.000-08:00

I loved this clip! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mNK6h1dfy2o