Friday, May 15, 2009


I am still not fully low carbing yet. But getting there. I am not in a good place healthwise. My symptoms are getting worse and worth and I am trying to figure it all out. I know that they are there to teach me something. I know that it didnt kill me yet, and I know they probably wont. My doctor and few other doctors are clinging to the notion its panick attacks triggered by stress, both psychological and physilogical. But if any of you out there ever experienced full blown panick attack, share your experinces. I am not talking about anxiety here and there or chronic worries, I am talking about panick attack. Here is my experience with them. The other day I had a lot of stress at work to a point where I wanted to just quit. It was just too much to bear. I wanted to fight for myslef, but opted out of it because fighting with my boss can and is more stressful than not. I chose to simply send her email and let her know everything I thought of her. Well it didnt help. She is very stubborn and very self-centerd. Everything that she does wrong is just a learning curve, everything everyone else does wrong is lack of effort. But hey its life. What bothers me at this point is that I cant deal with it in a way that wouldnt bring on debilitationg panick symptoms. I used to ans still am a very standish guy, but whats different is the way my body reacts to me being angry, stressed or anxious. I crave simple life, may be a farm, animals, lots of kids , a lovely wife and no bosses! Lol, may be one day! I decided to start practicing Radical Humility at this point. I think its the only way to happiness for me. I realized I cant be confrantational unless I start smoking weed or be on Valim, lol, either one is not my cup of tea. I remember few years back, more like 15 when I first came here, I was in a stress reduction class. I couldnt quite understand why such a class would be part of college education. I came from a small town in Russia where life was simple, fulfilled and stress-free, unless chasing by a raging bull after you tickled his pride was considered stress. For me it was fun, lol. Oh, those years when you are young, care-free and stupid, where have you gone!

So here we are. Here is an example how bad panick attack can be. I came to work the other day tired. Havent had a good night sleep. It was nighmare. I ate a lot before bed. Then I fell asleep. I had awakened few times from sleep with my heart beating so fast and irregular that my whole body was shaking. I was scared and sweaty. But decided to just overpower the symptoms by going back to sleep and I did. Well, the next day at work I was experiencing palpitations, profusing sweating and an enormous scare. A feeling of impending doom, like God was calling on me to go home, lol. I tried to sit, didnt help. I tried to deep breath, didnt help. Nothong helped. I started panicking. I then jumped into my car and started driving. I didnt know where or why. I just wanted to go and go and go and literally drive those symptoms away. I was crying, I was helpless. I was scared. It was a hellish feeling of desperation and no help. I contemplated on calling "911" but knew fair well that it wouldnt help. Because they would administer saline solution and it would all go away on its own. I was in agony. Finally I called my sister and asked her to meet me outside her place of work. I needed to be with someone I knew. The feeling of dying is so real in panick attacks. My heart was beating irregular and so forcefully. I was hyperventilating and sweating profusely. MY mind was racing all over and I was consumed with terror and feeling of hopelessness. Then I decided to take a beta-blocker my doctor prescribed. In 5 minutes litterally I started feeling better. My heart was slowing down, the mental scare and fog was lifted. I was back on Earth. 30 minutes later all the symptoms were gone but I felt calm and tired. i went home and took the best nap of my life. Half an hour later I was up and running again. Soon I was tired again and my blood pressure was 100/60 . Beta-bloker lowers blood pressure but it was fine. I went to the gym and had the best 20 minutes of weight lifting exercise I had in a while. My heart was not beating strongly, no irregularity and most of all, I was quite strong. It was such a relief and felt as God himslef administerd it. So I am still struggling but will see a speacialist soon that deal with panick attacks. Meanwhile my doctor is doing other tests to rule out any pathology or any other illnesses that might be causing my symptoms. Anyway, thank you all for your continued support and I hope to be food bloggin soon. See you!


Harry said...

That sounds horrible, Vadim!

I pray that your docs can help you find out exactly what is going on and more importantly, a solution.

Please hang in there. Maybe you're right about these symptoms being messengers. By addressing what they're saying ... you may end up both healthier and happier. I sincerely hope that's the case.

My best to you!

Vadim said...

Thanks! And it is scary especially when fear comes along on a ride. Then it becomes full blown panick, and its very hard to control.

NewVision said...

That does sound horrible, Vadim.

Does it always happen at your place of work? or does it happen at home too? Maybe you need to look for another job and another boss...
You seem to have went quit a few rounds with her. Maybe its time for a change. Slower and easier job and a boss who is laid back.
Maybe you need a vacation, when is the last time you had one?
Just a couple of thoughts.

Hang in there.

Vadim said...

Thanks Jo! HAvent had a vacation for the longest. Stress at job and now probably anxiety over what has been happeneing to me over the tast 3 months do the trick.