Thursday, September 30, 2010
Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"Patient:oh at least I dont have Cancer!
I went to my family physician today and the whole conversation was very uncomftable from a get go. Not only he scolded me for gaining 30 pounds since the las visit which is fine but practically gave me an ultimatum. Comply with me or get out! Are you serious?! What a bully! Even a year ago I would simply let him have it and storm out, after all I am paying him not the other way around. But today I just took it all in and listened. After all I deserved it. He said at my 38 years old I shouldnt be anywhere near so many symptoms. My blood pressure was 140 over 90 which is unusual even for my weight since my BP rarely goes above 120. I guess it could be the white coat syndrome. He didnt want to hear me and told me to start taking Metoprolol every day which is both a BP medication and a beta blocker causing adrenalin blocking effect. So it could also help out with my emotional issues. He also prescribed bunch of heavy duty antibiotics for H.pylori which I inciently found. He also prescribed Zoloft for my anxiety and IBS. I was like, wait a minute dude I aint taking so many pills. And thats when he lost his cool telling me I am stubborn, fat and know it all. I was shocked, he literally said it just like that. But it doesnt bother me. What I have been doing to my own body is far worth then his words. I created a bed in which I am sleeping. yes, may be he had no right to demean me andf be so harsh, but I dont care about political correctness. I want to get better. Currently its just a big mess I got myself in. To be continued......
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
As I was laying in my bed watching TV there it was staring at me. I could ignore it, I could turn the other way, but I didnt. There it was a whole unused box of Medifast foods. All I kept thinking was I cant believe spending more then a thousands dollars to gain somewhat of 50 pounds. I tried and tried and failed and failed. This plan has great reviews, people who persevere with it all swear by it. So why couldnt I just suck it out I kept saying? And the more I kept analizing my former challenges and all those failures the more I kept thinking what October said, that is wasnt my willpower or lack of discipline. It was all my emotional demons. And this morning I got up having a new compromised plan in mind. And I will call it An October plan! First, because its October who suggested it and second because October is around the corner and why not make a special month, a month of a new beginning a month of more sanity rather then that thing that you keep doing it expecting different results. I will compromise and instead of trying to fail I will eat to win. I will be using my Medifast meals 5 times like I am supposed to on Medifast plan but instead of having one additional meal and no snacks I will have no limitation on additional meals or snacks but will keep them low carb. So instead of coming home with a ravenous hunger and trying to keep at bay I will have a low carb meal and a snack to keep my demons happy yet not binging thinking I failed. And hopefully it will bring me back to sanity and move my weight down. I am currently at 270 pounds. Its simply unbelievable!!! But unlike Jimmy Moore I have only me to blame. I got to this weight by eating enormous amounts of bad carbs and fast food meals. I must stop this insane dead end subconscious subotaging where I need to be perfect. Every bite of food off the plan turned out to be an extra 2000 calories of junk food simply because I had an extra bite. I will be posting more often if people are still reading, lol.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur had all but zoomed by and even though I am not a religious person, I consider myself a spiritula guy. I know, I know for some its very confusing consept. But for me its not. If an allien descended on earth and you would have to explain to him why there are so many religions and how to chose a right one, it would not be simple. By the way an allien can also be a woman, lol, I just realized that! But for me its simple! Be kind, be forgiven, be compassionate and love the gift of life behaving in a such a way that you make this earth a better place or help those who need it as much as you can. I may not follow the scripture but I follow my heart and soul! I believe in human soul even though we may not see, feel or touch it. There is a anecdote about that. One cardiac surgeoun is arguing with a rabbi. He tells him, listen I have been operating on many humans and I am yet to see a soul there! On which another doctor, defending the rabbi sais: listen, I am a brain surgeon and have been operating on human brains all my life and I am yet to see a mind! So not to make it very deep or long, lol I just finished observing Yom Kippur which is considered the holiest day of the Jewish calendar year. Its a day of repentance a day on which God decides your fate for the following year. Many Jews greet each other by saying May you be entered in a book of Life" on this day. But for me its a day of fast, a day of spiritual observance. I usually think about my passed relatives who lived before me and this year i thought about few young people who passed at such a young age. On this day one is supposed to abstain from any food , water or work for a period of 25 hours. I have been observing this fast for many years now but this year given the circumstances and my inability to stick with any plan or eat sensible for more then few hours I had my doubts. But if anything else I wanted to see if I could stick to a plan given its meaning. Once I couldnt be selfish and satisfy my demons. Once it had to be about something bigger then myself or my excuses or my weaknesses. It was more then instant gratification or self-medication by food. It was simply a day of inner peace and tranquility a day of soul search and cleansing so to speak. And little did I know that it was going to be that easy. Yes, i did have occasional hunger panges but it was not even a thought in my mind to eat or drink. I did it and it was easy , a 25 hours fast without water or food! And the most important lesson I learnt once more is that its so much easier for me to serve or to stick to something for others then do it for myself. Or so I thought. The fast was over at 8 pm Saturday. I spent this day in deep Pocono mountains with my sister and my brother in law as well as my Mom and Dad. My Mom kept saying how enormously big I had become and my sister kept screaming at me every time I lifted my shirt saying I looked like a person on TV on that Biggest Loser show. When we finished fasting, everyone had a nice dinner by having BBQ chicken wings on an open fire. And I thought, ok this is the beginning of my new chapter a new life, one without resorting to junk food as my healing and emotional friend. But soon enough I found mysef weak for a peace of donught that my siter was eating and a sppon of ice cream that my father ate. And before I knew it, I was binging again! Ice cream, bagels with cream cheese, more ice cream, sandwithces with cheese followed by more ice cream. Next day my Mom was crying secretly on a couch. She had deteriated and lost so much weight that she doesnt look herself. Her chemo is not working and her extensive advanced tumor is now growing again. She has been through so much from chemo to chemo, from surgery to another surgery. From radiation tehrapy to more chemo. For the past year since she was diagnosed she has been in hell and back but through it all she remained the strongest and best woman I have ever seen. She remained a wife an mother and a freind. She still cooked even though I gave her hard times about it. She wanted my father who is sick himslef to be fed. So through all these trials and tribulations she kept her spirits up and her resolve strong. She never cried my Mom in open. But last night she was in so much pain that tears just rolled down her fragile body. I couldnt deal with it and broke down too. I love my mom so much and am not ready to lose her. She has been the backbone of our family and she has been my freind. Seing her so weak and hopeless made me vulnerable and at times too weak. I cant even imagine how much she suffers and how much she hates being in this condition. Some days she catn even make it out of bed! And she hates me gaining weight. She wants me to be fit and healthy! And there were so many times I pomised and swore to myself that I will do it , if not for myself then for my mom's sake. And the more I promises the more I failed, the more my self-esteem and my confidence shattered. I was simply a failure on so many levels at subconscious level. And the way I compensated was by eating and eating and eating and eating more! It wasnt that I was husngy. I was simply crying from inside out and junk food was a freind, even though we all know how dillusional that line of thinking is. So today is Monday and no more pormises. Its a new day, a new beginning. And now weighting at 270 pounds its a new challenge for my body. I am surrounded by so much of food every day and today was no exception. While I was munching on Medifast oatmeal and portein shake my coworkers were having chinese food left over from all these meeting we have here at then Student Life Departmetn I work for. The another meeting ended and there were pizza and chicken quazadia. Or how much I love that! But for one day I said no to all food except my own. And for one day I won. I dont know how long it will last or what tomorrow will bring but today and today only its a new tide and tomorrow is a new one and I dont know what it'll bring. But I pray it lasts, the tide that came today!
Thursday, September 9, 2010
I thought I hit the rock bottom few weeks ago. But I am continuing my free fall as my weight had plummeted all the way to 265 pounds. I dont even know what to say any more. But I know one thing and that it can still be a learning lesson somehow. I did attempt to go back to low carb, oh I did. But the symptoms were intolerable and I cant seem to do it half way. Its either I go fully or I dont and binge. In any case this is a good time to just sit back and contemplate on why I am where I am and most importangly how to get out of this dark place. I still believe though that one day it will happen. Thanks for still being there, I know few people still check this blog lol and I do appreciate it!