Tuesday, March 31, 2009

I am seriously wounded but not left for dead yet!

I have gone above and beyound in stupidity101 and stubborness 102 classes. Life had thrown me few curve balls and I crumbled like a cheap Russian automobile. I have gained loooooooooots of weight and now at 245 pounds which is way above what I have been in years! I have been on a low carb regimen for the past 3 weeks but havent lost a pound. But I did eat a ton. I did exercise a ton too. So it might be that I gained some muscle along the way, I definitely lift heavier now. As a matrer of fact I did manage to set my personal best in bench press and back pulls. That said I can stand to lose a lot iof weight. I drew one important conclusion. I can eat to a full staisfaction on a low carb and not gain weight. But to lose weight I need to drastically reduce my overall caloric intake. I really belive its the only way out. Either that or stop eating low carb treats and lots of dairies, but then it will become boring since I am not an avid meat eater. We shall see. I am leaning toward mixed and match strategy. Hope to keep you posted, at least those few ones that are atill intrested.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Challenge it is not, but something to aim for it is!

Ok, dear followers of my insane ever changing blog! Here I come again! In 100 or so days blogging I have done everything or almost everything wrong. And the first and most important thing I did wrong was to challenge myself doing things that I wasnt ready to do! Challenges are fun and bring out the best in people. It is absolutely ok for people to challenge themselves to aim higher, dream bigger and live fuller! Challenges bring out the best in people and let them discover bounderies are only mental limitations. However saying all that one needs to be psychologically ready. And I for one was not! So I am deciding to aim for much easier tasks. I will aim to stay on low carb for 100 days without breaking it. I will not attempt to weigh myself or count calories. I will count carbs though or at least try to be as clean as possible! I am now at my third highest weight ever= 250 pounds! I would always wait till Mondays or New Year or new this or new that to start new and healthier life. Why not start Thursday? Every time I started Thursday I failed. I know its in my head. Time to break free of that mindset. I am starting today, Thursday and count down 100 days to low carb life. Let me define Low carb life as I see it. I will definitely attempt to stay below 50 grams of total carbs a day! I will keep my fingers crossed and I know its absolutely doable. Will it be perfect? I know it probably wont, but is it doable? I know it is, I did for 6 month last year. It wont be purist low carb as some define it ,but it will be low carb the way I see it and it will keep my insulin low! Here we go, DAY 1 is today! Here we go again!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

What is that?

I loved this clip! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mNK6h1dfy2o


I am so happy to have found this website. You guys are indeed jewels! I have done many diet before, including medifast and bunc others. Let me honestly say this, you guys are the best. You dont judge, put anyone donw or shame! I believe so much in Love and caring, kind word over harsh and demeaning sentence. May be toupghness works for some, never did for me. I even tried to be touph and rouph with myself, it doesnt work. Since I was a very young boy I always fought for those who were abused and mistreated. I always wanted to be a cop or a teacher or a doctor or any other servant to help people. I didnt become a cop becuase my mother begged me for her. I was struggling with that decision but she said if there is one thing I could do for her was not to become a cop. I didnt. I wanted to become a doctor but soon learned how difficult and at times ruthless of a road it is, but being a teacher is still an option. I love kids and I love to help, so last night I decided to pursue this option, even though its going to be difficult financially. I cant stand to be useless, unhappy and unhealthy. I must find my niche to find my equilibrium. If there is one thing in life that makes me sad is to be disappointed in those who I thought were my friends or caring people. Last night it crushed to have found out how truly fake people are at times. I was disappointed in my boss. I work for State, its not even a private school. There is so much politics going on in there its nauseated. I graduted from the very school that I work for now with a BS degree in DMI that is diagnostic medical imagining. I was on top of my class with 3.98 GPA. I could have easily be making around $80.000 but I am not. It was a conscious decision and I do not regret it. I usually do not regret anything, there is a reason for all. Once a student I worked in the student activity center and loved it. I was a student and now I was working for them. I know what they like and what they need. My boss fired a night manager before and seing that I was good with students asked me to stay and manage the fascility t night. She couldnt be nicer or pleasant for all this time. I have worked with her for the past 3 years. All of a sudden things started changing for the worst. I even told her one time that everything can be handled humanly and with dignity. I was defending students organization and disagreeing with her more and more on policies. She started getting very defensive and telling me to basically zip it. But as you guys know by now, zipping it is not an option! I eventually told her " Listen if you want to fire me do so but there is no need to be disgraceful or nasty about it. I consider myself an open-minded guy and believe in opne, honest and constructive dialogue! The problem is for her that unlike other manager before I am truly loved and appreciated by many students on campus and much of the faculty. She realizes it and understands that if she fires me the union and student body will rebel on campus, lol, i know they will. One time they protested to the president when I was not allowed to implement few policies on their behalf. But my boss brings a lot money to the university, she is originally from Georgia and does a lot of fundraising on university's behalf. So follow the money as one wise man would say! She has a looooooooooot of power! I dont and wont even put up a fight for many reasons. I just hope that the storm will calm down and we find a happy medium where both of us can coexist! Today I feel much more at peace. I pray that my low carb finally gets it going once and for all!

Monday, March 2, 2009

My spirit is crushed, my resolved is shaken up and I am cirtainly at a crossroad of some sort!

I just binged and it was devastating. I ate so much sugar loaded crap that my heart is jumping out of my heart. The worst part of it all that for the first time in my adult life I was feeling sorry for myself! I was sitting on the stairs and jsut eating my pain away knowing well how pathetic I really am. I had a horrific day at work, so bad it is even painful to remember. I had to endure the embarrasing, harrasing and bullish behaviour from my boss. I swallowed my pride and let her have her way. I kept reminding myself that she is pregnant. She comes from a very military family and any deviation from her orders she considers subordination. I have had enouph with that crap. I attempted to tell her that dealing with student organization requires flexibility not stiff and dry dead ends. She said that I wasnt there to give my opinions but to listen to her and do it her way since she is my boss. We kept getting back and force and I finally decided to leave her office. She demanded that I came back since she wasnt finished. I did. At that point she started to crush me saying all kind of nasty things. At that point aphone rang and I said " Excuse me I have to pick it up. It was my doctor calling about my blood results. After I hanged up the phone she said that I was being extreamly unprofessional> I told her that it was my doctor and it was kind of emergency at which point she yelled " Ask me if I care?' I just turned around and left. I am sure tomorrow morning I will be contacted by an administrator and other so called hierchy. Oh well! It hurts to know that people who you thought were nice and caring are fake and dont give a damn. But I must figure out a way to commit to a low carb and do it once and for all! I must, must, must! It is well overdue, I have to start treating my body with care and love that it so deserves! I dont know, its getting frustrating. Harry and Jo, I cant express enouph gratitude from the bottom of my heart how much I appreciate your support. It trully feels good to know that you guys are there in good and bad! Thanks!

I dont know what to say at this point!

I had a relaxing weekend and drank a lot. I havent drank for a looooooooong time and quit smoking a while back too. But being an emotional person always required some kind of vent out. That role has been given to either food or smoking. Since I stopped smoking, food has become a friend at times of stress. And wrong food that is as we all know. Last night I was stressed out over my blood test result. My doctor informed me that my potassium level was up along with blood urine nitrogen level. He is concerned it might be decreased kidney function and advised me to stop low carbing for at least a while. He has always been a low carb critic. So I ate and ate and ate out of frustration! And wrong food that is as we all know. I will not listen to anyone any more, I will eat natural food and stop protein shakes for a while. I will stop eating all the wrong food that I know and you know and even my doctor knows is bad. So whatever it is I will try to keep sharing with you guys. I dont know what tomorrow will bring on many levels. I am having lots of arguments and dead end tasks from my boss. She is pregnant and out of control. I cant reason with her any more. She has driven me insane. I keep it all inside and given the fact that she is pregnant does preclude me from opening my big mouth. So I am taking a high road. But situation is hitting up. She gave me a bad performance evaluation and that sucks a lot. I have lots of students vouch for me and support me, which is the most important thing, but I might still start looking for a way out. I cant stand being miserable and stressed out at work. its like a bad marriage! But what am I to do? I have bills to pay and obligations to see through. Who knows, I am sure the answer is there!

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Saturday party!

It was my frind's Bday party last night. I had a bit too much to drink. I drank almost a full bottle of vodka and had too much of a good time. I havent had a relaxing time in a while, so I guess once I started drinking and having a good time I just continued to roll. I was eating relatively low carb until deserts came along. i did indulge myself a bit too much in cheesecake even though I stopped at one slice. Well not stressing about it. I and my friends are having another big party tonight at the sauna, so there are tons of beers served. I will abstain from drinking today. Last night was enouph. I did have a good time and m body seemed to not resist. Anyway, hope all yo guys are doing ok on your journey!

I still did 10, 000 steps yesterday, 10, 435 exactly!