Thursday, March 18, 2010

Success is failure turned inside out! Wow, thats powerful!

I could nag and complain and cry and blame and analize and bitch and complain even more. I could play a victim or pretend to be who I am not. I could come up with a million of excuses for why instead of why not but in the end its all irrelevant. I have failed! I have failed to believe in myself when I believed in others, I have failed to love myslef when I loved others. I failed to follow through when I pushed others to do so. And the end result is weight gain, lower self-esteem and doubts. I owe IT to my body. I owe IT to all of my organs. I appologize to you all, my liver , my brain, my kidneys, my pancreas, my intestines and all others who I didnt mention. I am sorry for all the neglect, all the abuse and all the excuses. And now I owe them IT. IT is a simple yet powerful word and IT is RESPECT! I cant continue getting on and off low carb, I cant continue to use food as my security blanket or to drug myslef to sleep. Food is neither a friend nor an enemy. It is not, its a fuel and thats what is meant to be. I cant continue to fool myslef believing i can eat carbs in moderation or eat a balanced diet. There is no balanced diet for me at this moment or ice cream in moderation. Carbs are not my enemy, but they are my weakness. As alcohol is a weakness to an alcoholic, carb is a weakness to me who is a carboholic. I never pig out on steak and brocoli when I am sad. I never swallow chicken breast after chicken breat when I am lonely. I never crave a pound of butter when I am angry. There is a reason for it. And its called Nature. Nature selects food for us as fuel, MAN select food for us which is profit. And to make a profit food has to be both palatable and addictive. And more often than not it becomes un-naturalized. i know I made promises and broke challenges. I know ! But you were still there cheering me on. May be not many of you, may be just a few but it is not how many but how caring! I will be a fool to promise anything at this point or challenge myself to anything. So I quitely and respectfully look forward to a new beginning or to a new end depending how to look at it. I have been in a bad place called selfdestruction. It is a tempting place where cookies, Mcdonalds and all other crap reside. I pray to get out of there and I must. So with your help and God willing I will. I have to, it has been long overdue. Thanks for reading!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Say it once, say it twice, say it all the time! No more crap, no more crap, crap no more!

Do you know the definition of the optimist? Optimist is the ill-informed pessimist! But..... I can still defeat my demons, be strong and give up eating crap once and for all. So to all I say " No more" I am stopping eating crap! I have had it up to here, no up to here, actually up to high stinking everywhere. I stopped smoking after having cigarettes for loooong time. I stopped it cold chicken. I stopped drinking after having drank for years. So if I was able to do that I can stop eating crap and poisoning my body. I cant treat my body with so much disrespect and dishonesty. I will not any more! I am shutting the door. Crap you are not welcome any more! I am shaving my head bold tomorrow, I am taking my neard off tomorrow and I am stopping eating crap, TONIGHT!

Monday, March 8, 2010

Is there balance in unbalanced life?

After many trials and tribulations, after many failed attempts to gain control of my diet and my health, I am back to square one or may be o! I was told to just eat a balanced diet instead of trying all kinds of fad under the sun. I dont know if it is my subconscious mind resorting to fear or what but low carb hasnt been working for me as of late. I experienced stomack cramps, IBS kind of symptoms and total exhuastion at times with muscle weakness and pain. May be it has absolutely nothing to do with low carb, as a matter of fact I believe it doesnt. But for whatever reasons, weather it is my doctors imprinting that scare massage about low carb or what. it didnt do me any good. So I decided to do the best next thing, go with balance diet! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Goooooodness! There is nothing about my life or in it right now that even remotely spells balance! I have no idea why I thought balanced diet would be a solution. I am a sugar addict, emotional eater and a person not being able to adapt to stress any more. I suffer from some rather debilitating symptoms, was diagnosed with severe anxiety disorder and IBS. I was given lots of medications such as zoloft and beta blockers to calm my body down. On top of everything else my Mom is back in the hospital suffering from partial colon obstruction and my dad is in the hospital with his recurring heart angina. Ok, if that wasnt enough I had a bad car accident and my brand new Lexus is almost total. Thanks God nobody got seriously hurt even though I do need some physical therapy. Ok. So in the midst of very unbalanced life and me being emotional wreck balanced diet seemed to be a logical choice. Not for me but for my genious doctor. He said do not try to punish yourself by eliminating your favorite comfort food but rather have them in small quantitiy. Ok I said, knowing fairly well that this philosophy hasnt worked, well ever! So if doing the same thing and expecting different result is the definition of insanity, I am an insanity! So balanced diet and having my favorite carb treats in moderation ended up in a lot of poooooooop. Not only I totally lost control and ate like a mad man on a sugar mission but ate more than I ever did, nonstop. Results? I gained 10 pounds and now eight at 244 which is officially my heaviset in many years. But my IBS did go away and pardon my Russian , my shit looked normal for the first time in months. May be just may be because I ate a lot of shit, and if you follow the paradigm of you are what you eat, then if you eat a lot of shit, guess what???? So the only positive thing about all of that experiment was that I was able to defecate normal again. But I will not trade off having a normal bowle movement over weight gain and other miseries that come along with my balanced diet. So here is my final verdict at least for the foreseeble future until I get better emotionally and deal with my anxiety and stress and family issues"

I am going back to go forward, that is I am back on lower carb diet. I will, however, include lots of green vegetables, olive oil and high fat fish. I will also gear towards more of a mideterenian kind of a low carb version becuase I do enjoy eating a lot of fish, nuts and seeds and berries along with some cottage cheese. I will do more video post to update on how I am doing as well, may be once a week video update. Thanks for your continued support.