Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Oh how much fun it is not! Insanity be gone!

I have succumbed to temptation and let myself go agaaaaaaaaaaaain. I simply let it all lose for the holidays and look what happened! I gained looooootd of weight, and now had reached my highest weight in about 7 years. I am now at 243 pounds. But......

Screw guilt, shame and disappontment! I was talking to my ex-girlfreind last night. Ok, dont ask me why. She called me complaining and I was foolish enough to listen. I should have known better. That woman is scorpion and now I am starting to believe horoscope. I never did before but there is something to it. By the end of our conversation I reiterated all the reasons for us not to be together. I recently traded my car and got a new lexus. I do work hard and decided to indulge myself. I alwasy wanted one and why not if I can afford it. I am single, have two jobs and no girlfriend or children. Well, at least no gfriends. I am not 100 percent sure about children part. At least noone knocked on my door yet screaming Dad as of today! So Lexus I bought. Oh my God, the things came out of that woman mouth. Mind you, we are not together any more. We were for 4 years but no more, thanks the sky, Universe, God! She kept reminding me sarcastically about the crisis in the country. This is exactly what she said " I dont know if you heard yet, but there is a crisis in a country, so instead of buying expensive cars you should be saving for a rainy day! Say what! I went full force at that woman. First of all what business is it of anyones what i buy with my money. She is liberal, and I am somewhat conservative. Right there you know its not exactly match made in logic kingdom. Yes, there is economy downgrade going on in a country. But I for one do not call it ''Crisis". Crisis for me is whats going on in Uganda, Somali and parts of Nigeria. Crisis is when millions of hungry people die from starvation and women being raped and cut for organs. Those are crisis. But not here. What we go through is economic recession, a product of irresponsible consumers and greed of corporation. It is a great time to advance ones skills via education or otherwise. Yes, I completely understand there are lots of families with children who are struggling. Yes, there are people in there who need help and help they should get. But it is also a great time for reflections, analysis and corrective measures. If you get to point A without knowing how you gotten there, you are just as lost as if you had never gotten there in the first place. Bailing out companies to some degree to push economy forward is fine, but making sure whe understand how we had gotten here in the first place is the key!

So why am I even saying all of these? Very simple. There is a lot of similarities between economic recession and what I am going through. I am going through health recession. But again, no blame, no guilt, no looking back. I did screw royally in 2009 but still not to the point of no returns. So moving forward as I always do with my head still hung high. I am still the same person I was before and I still have qualitites I am proud of. And I am going to concur this weight issue once and for all. But until I do, here we go again! Looking forward but not forgetting the past. Here is how and what I need to do to change thingas around:

1.Diamond rule: Love and respect your body, no harsh words, no name calling!
2. Golden rule: Accept that I am a sugar addict and: One is too many while 100 is not enough. So create a plan of allowable comfort low carb cheat food in case of emotional demons attack.
3. Silver rule: Plan, plan, plan!
4. Bronze rule: Ditch the scale for two weeks at a time and only weight once ever two weeks.

That is it! And as always thanks to all who stood by me in 2009! It wasnt an easy year for me with lots of ups and downs, mostly downs. But I am still grateful for it and all it brought. Happy and Healthy 2010 and may it bring happiness, health and lots of dreams come true!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Ahaaaaa moment has visited me once again, but will it stay!

I have been off course for a long time now gaining around 22 pounds in the process. I went from 218 to 240 pounds. The intresting thing is that once I cheated once it was all over. I can come up with a millions excuses like it was Holiday season and mad amounts of parties at my place of work or I was a bit emotional due to lots of circumstances in my life or many, many more. But in the end they are all excuses. But what bugs me the most is that when I do plan ahead low carb is so easy to folow. I even find more way than one to eat plenty of sweet tasting food while on it and not gain weight. I remember times when I would totally pig out low carb style eating insane amounts of sugar-free chocolate, nuts and other treats. I may have not lost weight but I didnt gain 22 pounds and I never felt deprived. So it all comes down to planning and comittment. Any way, yesterday was the first day in a looooooong time that I went back on low carb life. I decided purposefully not to do any of the cold turkey stuff and included plenty of food including some treats such as frozen berries with silvered nuts on it. I ate plenty and it was so easy. Today I came to work and there were hundreds of cookies, pastires and other crap all around my office. I felt like a cursed man who is being attacked by vicious demons whispering in my ear " Come on fat man I dare you to stay away" And to top it all off I failed to plan and that is bring emergency treats. But after a short loss of senses I did regain control and kept repeating " One is too many , 100 is not enough. I was tempted, I was seduced but I did manage to say no. One day at a time, one day ata time. Today is going to be a good day and I will do it low carb way!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Whats the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods? Whats the difference between Santa and Vadim?

The difference between Tiger Woods and Santa is that Santa actually stops after only three...... Ok, you get it, funny, ha ha ha! I was t9old this joke today at the staff meeting and wasnt lauphing. My boss, who happens to be vice-president, looked at me and said " Vadim, its three hoes, get it? Hoes as in...., I stopped her and said " I know, Meg. It wasnt funnu not becuase I didnt get it, it wasnt funny because it just!!! She said I have Russian sense of humor andf everyone of those suckers started laughing again. I wonder at times how low can people go to satisfy the boss. Everyone is petrified of this woman except me. And I get it, people do need jobs and those who have got them are not eagor to let go. But I just despise fakeness and ass kissing! I honestly think people like Tiger are not cheating becausing they are addicted to sex but because they miss true friends and need others to validate them. How many folks do you think are around Tiger that would do or say anything to just make him look and feel like a King. Not me!!! I am a nice guy, I think, or I tend to believe I am, but I am not going to tell anyone they are skinny when they are fat or tell them their joke is funny when its not. My boss was suprised I wasnt laughing but I simply said the joke was ok, and that I heard it before. I think she took it ok, but if she didnt, well, its her business. But the difference between Santa and me is that I do nooooooooooot deliver on my promises or challenges. I have beeeeeeeen very bad, very! I keep eating and gaining weight. Its insane. The funny thing is that I stopped having all kind of symptoms when I when I ate carbs so somehow my subconsciuos mind feels its comforting and safe for me to eat crap. I must go back on low carb, preferably low carb express. This is getting to be very imprudent. I will keep you posted, but for now its another failure of massive proportion.

By the way I saw documentary called " Food. Inc" last nighgt. It was eye popping expereince. Did anyone else see it and what you gusy thought of it? Not that I had no clue, but it was even more shocking than I thought it was.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Ladies and other species of human race! Can I ask for your attention please!

Here we go again! I was challenged today by a fellow blogger named Shezug to another challenge! Do you think I was up to it? You would think not. Why would he, you would exclaim! After all whats the point? The whole idea of the challenge is to generate results, a positive that is. But whats the point of challenges if there are no results soon after. Its like peeing against the wind, it is bound to hit you on a way back. But that would be a sane person logic. But not mine, lol! But sanity is boring and who needs it? I am so up for another challenge if only to regenrate something in my brain to wake up a real Vadim. I know that somehow, somewhere there are all the answers for me to have a life that i dreamt of, not the journey in constant need of navigation. So Challenge it is my lovely fellow blogger Shezug! But it has to be the Challenge, not just another challenge. The Challenge! Life is boring without those challenges. Challenges are needed to dig deep inside for some resolve, for some pick me uppers! We need those occasional pick me uppers! challenges can be healthy if done appropriately not in a spirit of win at all costs but personal win instead. So here is the Challenge for you Shezug from me: for the next three weeks until the end of the year lets finish 2009 on the best possible nutritional road. There is only one rule. I call it sanity rule or in-voice rule. Deep inside we all know whats good for us. deep inside we all what our bodies really need, not want, need. So lets just do the next three weeks listening to what our bodies need ans stop satisfying that ugly emotional demon of ours that keeps naggin us each and every time we are sad, lonely, depressed or tired. Lets Challenge ourselves to take each and every bite like a sacred bite worth putting in our months. We are worht it. Shezug, I believe we can do it. so for the next three weeks I challenge you to eat the best, healthiest food you know your body needs. Let it be wholesome, natural, nutritional and satisfying. Let it be as clean and pesticide free as possible. You might chose to do Paleo, I might chose protein power route but whatever it is lets make it the best end of 2009 as we can. What do you think my friend Shezug. By the way I think you have got the coolest nickname, I am jeoluous. Anyway, when do we start, how about Sunday? No, lets start tomorrow. I am starting now already. That was always part of my problem, delaying living healthy and wisely. It was convenient to say lets do it Monday. It gave me license to pig out on Saturday and Sunday. No more delaying, lets just do it. I believe in you, i know you can! I am starting tomorrow and i will even try to videoblog about it finally. No, i hate that word trying. I will videoblog about it too! So tomorrow it is. It may not be perfect, it may not be healthy all the time, but thats why it is THE CHALLENGE!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

I have got to be kidding?! How is it all posible?

I have had rough couple of months. Not only did I gain about 20 pounds but I seem to have totally lost any grip or sense on my low carb routine. How did it all happen? Simply one day at a time, one instant gratification at a time and most importanly one emotion at a time. I have succumbed to carb again and it is ugly. Bread, pastires, ice cream. No excuses, I screwed up royally! And now looking back at it I want to know how to proceed, how to go forward. I seemed to be doing so great on the shake plan, finally. Except one thing, it gave me some weird, debilitating symptoms. It was IBS like plus panick attack and fatique all in one. I lost nice amount of weight but I had to stop, it was getting intolerable. Then I decided to go semi protein power- semi Paleo. Nope, no success there. I simply couldnt handle temptation of now overloading on fruits once I started eating them. I cant just eat one apple or one pear, nope. Its like kissing a woman once once you are aiming for a night of romance and lovemaking. Temptations! So I went back on Atkins. Nope, didnt last long. I was around food all the time, parties, parties, parties= temptations, temptation, temptation! And then it happened, I was overwhelmed at home, at work and semi-depression, semi-middle life crisis. semi-holiday-loneliness settled in. So there came a perfect storm. Holiday paries + temptations + semi-depression, semi-middle age crisis, semi-holiday-loneliness= ONE BIG FAT ASS! I am tired of excuses, I am tired of political correctness and I am tired of failures. But I am not tired of not giving up! Somehow I still believe! I must be nuts! So many times so many excuses so many no results and I still believe?! Yes people I do! Too many people gave up on me already, too many of them stopped belieing. But what they think of me shouldnt be my business. And the reason I was fat, and am fat that I did give a damn what people thought of me. NO MORE, NO MORE, NO MORE! My jewish guilt needs to go, my emotional eating needs to go, my sentimental nature needs to .., ok that can stay! So I must start fueling my body rather than feeding my emotions! I dont know where tomorrow will bring me, but as long as there is tomorrow I still believe!