Wednesday, October 13, 2010

If I woke up happy I didnt wake up yet! My demons are widely awake now!

No excuses! I blew it again big time! I was doing great for a few days and..... Thank you guys for your support! Harry wrote something that made so much sense the other day. He said instead of taking it one day at a time just take it one decision at a time. Its a perfect strategy and a winning one. I hope one of these days I will concur my weaknesses and addictions and use them as just bad experiences!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Shishhhhhhhh! Can it really be happening?

Today is my day 2 on Medifast plan agaaaaaaain! So after all these miserable failures I have survived day 1! And it wasnt bad. It seems like my emotional demons went to sleep at least for a day. It wasnt easy but it was managable. I planned my meals ahead and ended up having my last meal at 8 pm. I spent yesterday in the Pocono mountains in PA where I recently purchased a land and a trailer in a wonderful eagle Lake community. Its simply a getaway place from NYC on weekends into the wilderness of nature. There is plenty of beuaty to go around with falling automn leafs and fresh crispy air. So after having a last meal for the day at 8 pm I headed to Mohegan Sun casino and spent about 4 hours gambling. I was loosing in the beginning but then hit $500 and got my money back plus some. By the time I went home at about 2 am I was very hungry but went to bed and called it a day. So for the first time in a very loooooooooooong time I did manage to make it one perfect day on plan. Today is day 2 and is definitely tougher. I probably entered mild ketosis and I have a bad headacke. Day 3 which is tomorrow is supposed to be the hardest, but for now its day 2! it seems like my emotional demons are at bay, at least now at the moment so shishhhhh dont wake them up! But in the very least it gives me hope. If I did it for a day I can do it for another and another and another.......

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

When you are in ahole, why dig further or why I need to learn how to close the loop!

I failed. Again?! Again, you ask?! Yes, again! I had an emotional episode and boom..... I binged. So after I binged, I felt guilty. After I felt guilty I felt weak and menless and when I felt that I binged again. So I ended up in a big hole, a dark one with feeling of shame, no will power and low self-esteem. While I was laying in that hole I got hungry. So I ate again, binging that is! So after I was done with self-pity and feeling hopeless I got angry. So somewhere between feeling hopeless and angry a plan was born. I just need to learn how to close the loop when I get off the plan, thats all. So instead of All or Nothing attitude I must learn that failing is a part of being human and that success is just another side of failing and that without failures growth is impossible. So yes I failedtime and time again but.... But I am up again and dreaming. Dreaming that I can concur my demons and find the way to a happier, more balanced life and me!

Today I am starting over the Medifast plan. I am planning on having 5 medifast meals during the day and one lean and green meal at night exactly as the plan describes. However my demons come out mostly at night when I go home from a long day watching TV. So if that happens I will just succumb to healthier choices like protein beef jerky or eggs or nuts. I am 272 pounds which is so unacceptable. Plus lately I have been feeling fatigued all the time and my stomack issues arosed again.

But my next biggest challenge is not to weight myself for at least a week, NO MATTER WHAT< SUCCESS OR FAILURES! So starting today I just want to eat and eat for physilological reasons rather then emotional. Thats my plan!