Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Oh how much fun it is not! Insanity be gone!

I have succumbed to temptation and let myself go agaaaaaaaaaaaain. I simply let it all lose for the holidays and look what happened! I gained looooootd of weight, and now had reached my highest weight in about 7 years. I am now at 243 pounds. But......

Screw guilt, shame and disappontment! I was talking to my ex-girlfreind last night. Ok, dont ask me why. She called me complaining and I was foolish enough to listen. I should have known better. That woman is scorpion and now I am starting to believe horoscope. I never did before but there is something to it. By the end of our conversation I reiterated all the reasons for us not to be together. I recently traded my car and got a new lexus. I do work hard and decided to indulge myself. I alwasy wanted one and why not if I can afford it. I am single, have two jobs and no girlfriend or children. Well, at least no gfriends. I am not 100 percent sure about children part. At least noone knocked on my door yet screaming Dad as of today! So Lexus I bought. Oh my God, the things came out of that woman mouth. Mind you, we are not together any more. We were for 4 years but no more, thanks the sky, Universe, God! She kept reminding me sarcastically about the crisis in the country. This is exactly what she said " I dont know if you heard yet, but there is a crisis in a country, so instead of buying expensive cars you should be saving for a rainy day! Say what! I went full force at that woman. First of all what business is it of anyones what i buy with my money. She is liberal, and I am somewhat conservative. Right there you know its not exactly match made in logic kingdom. Yes, there is economy downgrade going on in a country. But I for one do not call it ''Crisis". Crisis for me is whats going on in Uganda, Somali and parts of Nigeria. Crisis is when millions of hungry people die from starvation and women being raped and cut for organs. Those are crisis. But not here. What we go through is economic recession, a product of irresponsible consumers and greed of corporation. It is a great time to advance ones skills via education or otherwise. Yes, I completely understand there are lots of families with children who are struggling. Yes, there are people in there who need help and help they should get. But it is also a great time for reflections, analysis and corrective measures. If you get to point A without knowing how you gotten there, you are just as lost as if you had never gotten there in the first place. Bailing out companies to some degree to push economy forward is fine, but making sure whe understand how we had gotten here in the first place is the key!

So why am I even saying all of these? Very simple. There is a lot of similarities between economic recession and what I am going through. I am going through health recession. But again, no blame, no guilt, no looking back. I did screw royally in 2009 but still not to the point of no returns. So moving forward as I always do with my head still hung high. I am still the same person I was before and I still have qualitites I am proud of. And I am going to concur this weight issue once and for all. But until I do, here we go again! Looking forward but not forgetting the past. Here is how and what I need to do to change thingas around:

1.Diamond rule: Love and respect your body, no harsh words, no name calling!
2. Golden rule: Accept that I am a sugar addict and: One is too many while 100 is not enough. So create a plan of allowable comfort low carb cheat food in case of emotional demons attack.
3. Silver rule: Plan, plan, plan!
4. Bronze rule: Ditch the scale for two weeks at a time and only weight once ever two weeks.

That is it! And as always thanks to all who stood by me in 2009! It wasnt an easy year for me with lots of ups and downs, mostly downs. But I am still grateful for it and all it brought. Happy and Healthy 2010 and may it bring happiness, health and lots of dreams come true!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Ahaaaaa moment has visited me once again, but will it stay!

I have been off course for a long time now gaining around 22 pounds in the process. I went from 218 to 240 pounds. The intresting thing is that once I cheated once it was all over. I can come up with a millions excuses like it was Holiday season and mad amounts of parties at my place of work or I was a bit emotional due to lots of circumstances in my life or many, many more. But in the end they are all excuses. But what bugs me the most is that when I do plan ahead low carb is so easy to folow. I even find more way than one to eat plenty of sweet tasting food while on it and not gain weight. I remember times when I would totally pig out low carb style eating insane amounts of sugar-free chocolate, nuts and other treats. I may have not lost weight but I didnt gain 22 pounds and I never felt deprived. So it all comes down to planning and comittment. Any way, yesterday was the first day in a looooooong time that I went back on low carb life. I decided purposefully not to do any of the cold turkey stuff and included plenty of food including some treats such as frozen berries with silvered nuts on it. I ate plenty and it was so easy. Today I came to work and there were hundreds of cookies, pastires and other crap all around my office. I felt like a cursed man who is being attacked by vicious demons whispering in my ear " Come on fat man I dare you to stay away" And to top it all off I failed to plan and that is bring emergency treats. But after a short loss of senses I did regain control and kept repeating " One is too many , 100 is not enough. I was tempted, I was seduced but I did manage to say no. One day at a time, one day ata time. Today is going to be a good day and I will do it low carb way!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Whats the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods? Whats the difference between Santa and Vadim?

The difference between Tiger Woods and Santa is that Santa actually stops after only three...... Ok, you get it, funny, ha ha ha! I was t9old this joke today at the staff meeting and wasnt lauphing. My boss, who happens to be vice-president, looked at me and said " Vadim, its three hoes, get it? Hoes as in...., I stopped her and said " I know, Meg. It wasnt funnu not becuase I didnt get it, it wasnt funny because it just!!! She said I have Russian sense of humor andf everyone of those suckers started laughing again. I wonder at times how low can people go to satisfy the boss. Everyone is petrified of this woman except me. And I get it, people do need jobs and those who have got them are not eagor to let go. But I just despise fakeness and ass kissing! I honestly think people like Tiger are not cheating becausing they are addicted to sex but because they miss true friends and need others to validate them. How many folks do you think are around Tiger that would do or say anything to just make him look and feel like a King. Not me!!! I am a nice guy, I think, or I tend to believe I am, but I am not going to tell anyone they are skinny when they are fat or tell them their joke is funny when its not. My boss was suprised I wasnt laughing but I simply said the joke was ok, and that I heard it before. I think she took it ok, but if she didnt, well, its her business. But the difference between Santa and me is that I do nooooooooooot deliver on my promises or challenges. I have beeeeeeeen very bad, very! I keep eating and gaining weight. Its insane. The funny thing is that I stopped having all kind of symptoms when I when I ate carbs so somehow my subconsciuos mind feels its comforting and safe for me to eat crap. I must go back on low carb, preferably low carb express. This is getting to be very imprudent. I will keep you posted, but for now its another failure of massive proportion.

By the way I saw documentary called " Food. Inc" last nighgt. It was eye popping expereince. Did anyone else see it and what you gusy thought of it? Not that I had no clue, but it was even more shocking than I thought it was.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Ladies and other species of human race! Can I ask for your attention please!

Here we go again! I was challenged today by a fellow blogger named Shezug to another challenge! Do you think I was up to it? You would think not. Why would he, you would exclaim! After all whats the point? The whole idea of the challenge is to generate results, a positive that is. But whats the point of challenges if there are no results soon after. Its like peeing against the wind, it is bound to hit you on a way back. But that would be a sane person logic. But not mine, lol! But sanity is boring and who needs it? I am so up for another challenge if only to regenrate something in my brain to wake up a real Vadim. I know that somehow, somewhere there are all the answers for me to have a life that i dreamt of, not the journey in constant need of navigation. So Challenge it is my lovely fellow blogger Shezug! But it has to be the Challenge, not just another challenge. The Challenge! Life is boring without those challenges. Challenges are needed to dig deep inside for some resolve, for some pick me uppers! We need those occasional pick me uppers! challenges can be healthy if done appropriately not in a spirit of win at all costs but personal win instead. So here is the Challenge for you Shezug from me: for the next three weeks until the end of the year lets finish 2009 on the best possible nutritional road. There is only one rule. I call it sanity rule or in-voice rule. Deep inside we all know whats good for us. deep inside we all what our bodies really need, not want, need. So lets just do the next three weeks listening to what our bodies need ans stop satisfying that ugly emotional demon of ours that keeps naggin us each and every time we are sad, lonely, depressed or tired. Lets Challenge ourselves to take each and every bite like a sacred bite worth putting in our months. We are worht it. Shezug, I believe we can do it. so for the next three weeks I challenge you to eat the best, healthiest food you know your body needs. Let it be wholesome, natural, nutritional and satisfying. Let it be as clean and pesticide free as possible. You might chose to do Paleo, I might chose protein power route but whatever it is lets make it the best end of 2009 as we can. What do you think my friend Shezug. By the way I think you have got the coolest nickname, I am jeoluous. Anyway, when do we start, how about Sunday? No, lets start tomorrow. I am starting now already. That was always part of my problem, delaying living healthy and wisely. It was convenient to say lets do it Monday. It gave me license to pig out on Saturday and Sunday. No more delaying, lets just do it. I believe in you, i know you can! I am starting tomorrow and i will even try to videoblog about it finally. No, i hate that word trying. I will videoblog about it too! So tomorrow it is. It may not be perfect, it may not be healthy all the time, but thats why it is THE CHALLENGE!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

I have got to be kidding?! How is it all posible?

I have had rough couple of months. Not only did I gain about 20 pounds but I seem to have totally lost any grip or sense on my low carb routine. How did it all happen? Simply one day at a time, one instant gratification at a time and most importanly one emotion at a time. I have succumbed to carb again and it is ugly. Bread, pastires, ice cream. No excuses, I screwed up royally! And now looking back at it I want to know how to proceed, how to go forward. I seemed to be doing so great on the shake plan, finally. Except one thing, it gave me some weird, debilitating symptoms. It was IBS like plus panick attack and fatique all in one. I lost nice amount of weight but I had to stop, it was getting intolerable. Then I decided to go semi protein power- semi Paleo. Nope, no success there. I simply couldnt handle temptation of now overloading on fruits once I started eating them. I cant just eat one apple or one pear, nope. Its like kissing a woman once once you are aiming for a night of romance and lovemaking. Temptations! So I went back on Atkins. Nope, didnt last long. I was around food all the time, parties, parties, parties= temptations, temptation, temptation! And then it happened, I was overwhelmed at home, at work and semi-depression, semi-middle life crisis. semi-holiday-loneliness settled in. So there came a perfect storm. Holiday paries + temptations + semi-depression, semi-middle age crisis, semi-holiday-loneliness= ONE BIG FAT ASS! I am tired of excuses, I am tired of political correctness and I am tired of failures. But I am not tired of not giving up! Somehow I still believe! I must be nuts! So many times so many excuses so many no results and I still believe?! Yes people I do! Too many people gave up on me already, too many of them stopped belieing. But what they think of me shouldnt be my business. And the reason I was fat, and am fat that I did give a damn what people thought of me. NO MORE, NO MORE, NO MORE! My jewish guilt needs to go, my emotional eating needs to go, my sentimental nature needs to .., ok that can stay! So I must start fueling my body rather than feeding my emotions! I dont know where tomorrow will bring me, but as long as there is tomorrow I still believe!

Monday, November 23, 2009

I am totally back to square one! How ironic it really is to go somewhere to only realize it was a circle and you are back at point of initial take off

Ok, it has almost been a year now since I launched this very menu blog. Mind you I was the last person in universe still left at that time who was so clueless about blogging in general that I would rather try to understand what woman really wants than doing any kind of blogging. The word itself sounded kind of putrid. I thought blogging was intended for old women who wanted yaap, yaap. yaap or save the world form itself. A year later all I can say that not only was I wrong but I was a total ignoramus with mind opening of a protozoa. I have met wonderful people in here who are loving, supportive and smart. So to all those people my great appreciation. I want to single out one man above all who has been there for me no matter what and that is none other than Mr Harry. He is a man of passion and driven by desire to help others. That is a not such a common qualtiy in modern world. So thank you Mr Harry! I also want to thank Mr Moore and his wonderful wife for doing the work that they do. At times I have disagreedm with Jimmy but overall tha man is doing a good job. And the last but not least is Mr Eades who is the leading force in todays low carb world and his blog is both educational and vital.

I have failed many times with my many challenges. But above all I learnt a lot. One smart man once said that Experiences are none other that outcomes we get when we dont get the results we want. Or it was close to that line. And how true it is indeed! So despite lack of any significant results for my many failed experiments and challenges I definitely gained many outcomes! Thanksgiving is approaching very fast. I have a lot to be thankful for. My mother, despite all that happened to her, is still here and that is ONE great outcome I am most thankful for! We do take things for granted at times, but I trully love, cherish and treasure my Mom in so many ways. She is an epitomy of an ideal woman in my opinion. Not becuase she is my mom, but because she has endured through so much and never complained but always persevered to go on in the best way she knows how. And she did an amazing job. This post is not about weight loss or numbers or failures. It is about thanks! I will post about my nutritional jouney and possibly my new wows and such after Thnksgivin. But for now Thank you all who has been here for me and enjoy your time with the loved ones. Happy Thanksgiving Day!

Saturday, October 24, 2009

To be or not to be, that is the question of the day!

I am officially diagnosing myself as a certified, bonified stubborn and unstable screw! Its not all in order in the main lobby of my house. It seither that or I am going through a premature mid-life crisis! But then again whats normal, is there such a thing? I once saw a program on public TV called ''magnificent mind" and the host said that there is no normal as far as our brains are concerned and its all relative and a matter of balanced brain. So now I know my brain is certainly not balanced! There is a town in Minnesota called Normal. So the host informed the audience that thats where Normal people live. And I loved his joke when he said that it was for the first time when he really met and talked to Normal women. that was funny! Ok, so why do I feel the way I do? Ok, for many reasons. For one I keep saying one thing and do another. But that would be least of my troubles. I keep insanely making same moves expecting different results! And that is my friends a definition of.... welll you know the rest of the statement. I went back to normal low carb living after experiencing all those dreadful symptoms being on protein shakes for a 10 days. And being back on low carb with no clear boundaries and elevated level of stress invited chaos. Chaos as far as calories are concerned. i kept eating and eating and eating. Especially at night, and my hunger was at all times high. And boom 5 pounds gained in a week. So now I am back to sqaure one. But at least my symptoms went away and I did feel much better. So it was something in those shakes that completely disagreed with my digestive track. But it made me loose weight quick and it kept me in check as far as hunger and boundaries! So driving back home I was contemplating on going back on protein shakes for at least two weeks and complete the damn 14 days without stopping at 10. Even though i did give it my best and accoomplished a lot in those 10 days, i still didnt finish it. I did have an excuse though. i felt horrible being on that plan. But still in my inflamed mind i wanted to go back and do it one more time, last time 14 days uniterrupted. But what about those nagging, debilitating symptoms said i in my head? oh well it might be different this tiem around. May be i will add magnesium and it will go away I kept justifying, or may be I will use eggwhite instead of whey, or may be just may be i will meditate and see if it was my anxiety triggered my some weak gastric reactions. But THEN it HIT me! I thought of my friend HARRY! it has almost been a year since I started blogging. it is scary to think it passed so fast. And it was almost a year ago that I, Harry, sadekat and few others accepted a challenge of creating a meny blog. Much happened sinc last year for me and i am sure for others. Some good news some bad, some horrible, but hey thats life. My Mom had fallend ill to the cancer that came back after 1o years and it did so with a vengence to a tune of much distress for the whole family especially me. It hit me especially hard. My mother has always been my security blanket and my best friend. She is truly an amazing woman, a one of a kind and to see her suffering being weak and hopeless totally crushed me on many levels. I know its life and i kept saying all the right things in my head but it still didnt make it any better. And the fact that all my relationships were fruitless and i am still single when all my siblings are married with kids. It made me insecure, fearful and fragile, more so than ever. there were days when i cried even though I didnt feel like it. i guess it was so much stress in my body that tears just kept rolling down. I have always thought of myself as a fighter until this year. it only proves that any human no matter how strong we think we are need help at times. Oh, wow did i drift away from my diet plan!!!I guess words are just jumping out and it is kind of brain storm. I didnt mean to make it that way in the beginning. But thats what beautiful about blogging. You can get carried away without people judging you or calling you name. Ok, i feel better now. so back to Harry. Harry, if you are reading this post and got this far, i want to know that you are my role model of the low carb world! I never liked to put people on the pedestal or use role models but you are an exception! in the last year you have been an epitomy of stability and balance. I have never met you personally but as far as your diet is concerned it is an example to follow. You have never waivered to fast phases never attempted silly only shakes diet. All you did was being consistent and eat wholesome low carb food to satisfaction and for that my friend I nominate you as a CHAMP! You should be a true leader of the low carb world! If it was up to me you would be heard and watched and followed. You have never criticised, never judged, never stooped to a level of unconstructive criticism. You simply led by example! And that is my friend a leader of the highest order. There are many low carb celebrities in the community. And i am grateful to all of them but i hope against all hope that one day you will pick up a torch and get a much wider audience! So for the next year or so this is going to be my challenge: Stop the insanity and follow an example of one man out there who did it in a way that all of us should have doen all along and that is natural, low carb wholesome food! But for now i will still do it my way, lol, even if it means insanity! So i am amrching forward with another attempt to concur 2 weeks of protein shakes and one meal! i will give it one more green light before I officially throw in a towel. But if i fail all i have to look forward to is the light at the end of the tunnel where my friend Harry will be waiting with a lid torch! i am not going to spell check this post and leave iit as is, becuase where it came from needs no correction! if you made this far you are either insane or a true caring person! thank you for reading, that is still reading, lol after all my failures!

Monday, October 19, 2009

I feel like a giant today! NY Giant that is, beat up and not loved!

I dont like those days when sleep deprivationbecomes life deprivation! Today was one of those days. Lately, I havent felt right at all. I dont know whats ailing me? Is it stress? May be! Is it some kind of anxiety disorder? Possibly! Is it fibromyalgia? Ok, why not? Is it IBS? Who is to say? Is it lack of meaningful relationship and therefore lack of meaningful sexual life? lol, ok, may be not this one! So what in the world of Vadim's universe is it???????? Once my spiritual teacher told me that the most expensive things in life are mistakes? I couldnt get it then, I was too young, too cocky and too naive. I get it now. May be years of smoking and careless living was a mistake? You say! Aha, dude, you are a genius! I think it is my body telling me something but I cant pick it up and neither can doctors! But it could be a good thing. At times an absense of news is a good news. So may be, just may be iits a good thing that doctors dont know. But it bothers me to feel this way for a long time now and have no answers. But i am not giving up!!!!! Or no, too stubborn for that. So forward we march again! As far as my diet is comncerned, I have been somewhat of a good boy, suprisingly! I have been low carb except few occasions when I ate a bit of watermelong, but thats all. What I started enjoying a lot lately is my nightly ice cream! Yes, you heard me right, ice cream! I love ice cream, love it, love it, love it! But it is homemade low carb one. I make it out of protein shake and freeze it. Two hours beofre I get home my mom takes out of the freezer and when I hit home at around 1 am its semi-melted. I put chopped walnuts on it, some berries and whalooo, awesome! I think its just as awesome as having sex by myself! Oh, did I just say that? Ok, its awesome! I mix it with MRM strawbery-banana whey with half a can of cocnut milk and frozen strawberries plus a bit of heavy cream and stevia! It is goooooooood! And it has become my nightly treat. I actually look forward to it every day, havent yet gotten tired of it. As far as other things in my life, not much news which again could be a blessing! My Mom is still very weak and suffering a lot. But as long as God gives her strenght to go on, we will beat this thing called cancer. Its stubborn but so are we. Ok, thats about it in a nutshell!

One last thing, for anyone who wants to know what today felt like symtoms wise and otherwise here it is:

5 hours of sleep

pin and needle pain all over my extremeties
bloated stomach
IBS kind of symptoms which went away with poop

I will start blogging about my diet soon! thanks for reading!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Shake, shake, shake! What am I going to do with you!

I am still contemplating the direction of my nutrition journey at this moment. I mean its pretty straightforward as a long term goal. My long term goal is to eat low carb mediterenean lifestyle, that is plenty of fish, vegetables, nuts and seeds, olive oil, low carb berries and some dairy in the form of cottage cheese. I have never been much of a meat person or milk drinker or cheese enthusiast. I completely dont care for red meat. Dont get me wrong, I do enjoy a nice, juicy meat steak once in a while, but it is very once in a while. I mostly eat fowl when i crave meat. But for the time being I am going to implement all of the above plus one or two shake here or there. I bought an insane amount of whey and eggwhite protein powders. I do love protein shakes as well. So at this moment I will just play mix and match to see if my symptoms will subside or go away. Thats the plan!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

My 6 weeks cure has ended its journey!

Despite my premature departure form the plan, I had accomplished plenty. I did manage to survive a week on it without much cheating so thats a huge moral victory for me. I attempted to do many, many times with no or very little success. But this time it was a big deal. Unfortunately my symptoms preclude me from continuing on and I must find out whats ailing me. My symptoms are now getting me very annoyed. They range from stomach spasms, relieved by moving bowel to pin and needles pain thorughout the body which is also relieved by bowel movements and general sense of lethargy which is also removed partially by bowel movement. I have no idea whats causing it, but drinking protein shakes makes it absolutely worth. It might be few things including my reccuring anxiety, IBS or some kind of inflammation. I dont know. But it surely is nasty. Thank you all for continued support and words of encouragement.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Time out! I am taking time off to see if my symptoms are direct hit from the shakes!

I have had quite unexpected and pretty debilitating symptoms for at least 4 days now ranging from cramps to constipation to lethargy. I have decided to take a break for at least few days and see if it was the shakes. So far last night and today my symptoms totally went away and I ate a lot of different things including carbs. And I had not symptoms as of yet. I had lots of meat with avocado and side slad, 3 beef hot dogs with 2 eggs and slad and 1 slice of pizza. I also ate some nuts at dinner time. I did however have one shake after the work out. I am restarting the shake week 2 on Sunday and this time I will use egg white protein instead of whey or at least mix it up with mostly egg white variety to see if my symptoms do go away. i believe more and more it is IBS and for some strange reasons all this amount of whey protein excaserbates it. I will keep you posted on what happens!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Day 7 and I am pooped out!

Last night was the official week 1 ! I did however celebrate it by going off plan and eat, eat and eat. I had 1 blintz with sweet cheese from france and that little sucker has 15 carbs and its small! I also had lots of avocado and 1 vegetable burger with side slad. that was late at night in addition to all the shakes and one meal I had earlier in a day. But I did work out with weights and felt a bit hungry, more so than usual. I was contemplating if I should go on to the second week doing this 3 shakes and one meal plan. For the past 4 days I have had strange and debilitating intestinal issues. I have had intestinal spasms, poop with mucosa, joint pain and general feeling of being unwell, especially in the afternoon or right before going to the bathroom. Its very difficult to digress and decipher whats causing all of it. But I decided to go on to week 2. I will, however, tweak a few things. I will start mixing up my whey protein with egg protein, number one. I will also add on more vegetables or some kind of fiber in the form of flax or something else to my shakes. Thats the plan. I am clinging to the notion more and more that all of it could be ralated to Irritable Bowel Sundrome and Stress and Anxiety. But marching on towards second week!

Oh my God, I totally forgot. I did lose a total......drum beat please.........

8 pounds in week 1! I think its really good considering I did cheat few times. Once with vodka shots at my friend's circumcision and last night.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Day 6 and my poop!

Be warned, this post contains some graphic depiction of reality in this blogger day to day life!

Ok, day 6 was more challenging than other days. I started having more and more abdominal cramps, loose stools and distended stomack. My poop was not coming with ease at all and when I accidently looked at it I noticed something rather unusual. My poop was full of some sticky yellowish glue like phlegm. It was alarming. I decided to read up on it and found out it could be anything from bacterail infection to infectious colitis to IBS which I might have had for a year now due to stress and anxiety. I decided to wait a day to see if it was just for a day. But it happened again, some strange fragments of jelly like yellowish mucosa attached to my poop. Now I am concerned. But as of this eveneing it seems to be subsiding as my poop is getting larger. So it may be due to some inflammation. However, I will have it checked to make sure. As far as my diet goes, I am starting to have other health issues along with stomack cramps. My anxiety seems to be getting worth and I am feeling lethargic in general. I am not sure if its my diet causing cramps and other symptoms or my anixety due to everything going on in my life. Nevertheless I am pressing on and so far had been able to complete a week of the plan. Thats a huge moral vicotry for me since I failed to do shake plan for at least 7 times and the most I ever lasted was 5 days or so. So week one is done and over with. I am not sure if i should go on with a second week or just pull the plug. I am just not feeling well at all! And my stomack is simply bothering me too much. I shall see. i may just hang in there for another week to finish it!

This is what I ate for day 6:

12 pm- power up shake

4 pm- power up shake

8 pm- 2 0z of mixed lamb and chicken, 3 oz of chevre cheese, 2 eggs, side salad 4 oz of swiss cheese( I did go overboard with cheese tonight, but I did it consciously and didnt feel bad about it, I really wanted some cheese)

12 am- power up shake

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Day 5! Good news and bad news! I guess this is the new trend now for me.

Heeeeeeeeeeelo wonderful readers of my English as second language blog! First, let me thank all of you for being there for me. Some I got to know a bit better than others, but I thank you all for your support, advices and comments. God willing I shall soon start videoblogging as I promised so many times. But for now this is all I have time for. My Mom is doing better and they did find a dangerous bacteria in her colon called Chlostrodium Fe something. It is very prevalent amongst antibiotic users and can overgrow causing infectious colitis and severe pain, diahrea and bunc of other symptoms. But good news is that they did find it, which can be a challenge at times and are treating it. So hopefully it will be killed and my Mom can restart chemo. But bad news is that her oncologist will have to delay her chemo treatment for at least two weeks until that nasty bacteria is murdered. At times this nasty bacteria gets so stubborn that it takes long time to get it down and that would be a very bad situation. But I did talk to it and told this bacteria that it needs to leave, and lol, so far it listened to me. It must be a male, because female people or female pets or female anything are not that compliant when it comes to me. But with male its simple. I told that bacteria yopu either live or it will get ugly buddy. And it just started to leave. But all jokes aside, I pray that it is killed very soon.

On a separate note, I am still pressing on with my shaky plan. It is getting progressively difficult to continue though. I dont know if its psychological or what but I started developing bloating, distended stomach, gas and tachycardia from drinking shakes. I even have mild diarrhea and cramps. I am not sure if it is so much protein and whey that I might be reacting to or may be something in a protein poweder. For now I am pushing ahead and will try to twitch it here or there to find a middle ground where I can be ok healthwise. But at this point I am starting to believe that it might be anxiety attacks triggering stomack distress. Before I thought it was stomach issues triggering anxiety attacks but may be not so. I have always been a hyper person but at this time additional stress in my life just releases way too much adrenalin causing all kinds of symptoms. At times I literally feel like bouncing off the wall with energy. It feels like a billion of massueses tickling my every cell and at times I feel like passing out with very fast heart rate, weak legs, sweatiness and lightheadeness. Ok, enough talking about anxiety and my shady brain. I am sure its not a very appetizing subject. So moving on to what I ate yesterday, here we go again:

12 pm- Power up shake

2 pm- 4 oz of mixed lamb, chicken and 2 oz of chevre cheese with 2 TBS of avocado and 1 tablespoon of butter with side salad of cucumber and tomatoes.

8 pm- Power up berry shake

11 pm- Power up shake

2 rollaids and 1 GasX pill. I was shocked to find out that every anit-gas medication or pill had either dextrose or starch in it. I was unable to find anything without it. So I took few with it. I know it is not the optimum way but I needed it. Plus I am still amazed that a but deviation doesnt screw me over as it used to. Being a bit of COD it is truly a miracle or may be I am indeed growing up! So I think a miracle would be more believable as all my ex-gfriends would have said. It is what it is as my friend Bush junior used to say! Thanks for reading!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Day 4 and circumcision!

Day 4 was quite tiring, adventurous and tiring. I had to juggle my day between going to the hospital, food shopping and circumcision ceremony for my best friends new born son. I made my shakes with a new protein powder called Myofusion that I bought from netrition. It was quite good but contained a bit more carbs than other brands so I skipped on frozen berries. I did make a mistake and mixed my shakes with few spoons of cacao. I am starting to believe I am allergic to cacao. And I totally forgot that cacao is not allowed on first two weeks of the plan. Oh well! I made a boobooo. But instead of panicking and blowing the diet altogether as I might have done previously I just continued through my day. I think something amazing has been happening so far. I am not a perfectionist on this plan/ Before I would just be so pissed even going off a bit, but now I totally changed my way at least for now. Later in a day I went to observe my best friends son circumcision ceremony and witnessed both of my best friends crying hysterically. It was very emotional for them letting a stranger coming in the house and cause pain to the baby. So 10 minutes into the ceremony I started having stomack cramps and kind of burning sensation throughout my body. Soon after my heart rate was up in the 150 range and I started sweating profusely. I had experienced it before and tried to calm myself down. I knew it was partially a panic attack. I dont know what precipitates what, is it my IBS symptoms triggering panic attack or the other way around. But soon after it subsided, thanks God. If any of you guys ever experienced panic attack in the midst of 100 people in the room with no room to escape, it is not a good feeling. The ceremony was in the living room and the only way I could have escaped was to ask the Rabbi move the baby and the table for me to go outside. oops, wouldn't that be something! So I had to collect myself even though it is extreamly hard. When my body panics I have racing thoughts of impendign doom and all I want to do is just move around not stay still. Staying still makes it always worth. But it did go away even though it was so unpleasant for at least 10 minutes or so. Once I was able to go outside I felt much, much better! I did have to cheat las night. I mean I could have said no but I didnt. It is an absolute must to drink wine at the end of the ceremony. So I did a little. Then I had to drink few shots of vodka to my friends health. If i said no. I would be beheaded, lol! Before it spiraled out of control I slipped out of the party. But my friend caught me. I did however leave and spared myself more troubles. So instead of feeling a sense of failure I felt proud. I said to myself " Yes, I did go off a bit today but instead of totally blowing it, I just made sure to continue from where I left off. Overall it was ok!

12 pm- Power up chocolate shake

4 pm- Power up chocolate shake

7 pm- 2 oz of turkey breast, 2 oz of cheese, 1 oz of butter, 2 oz of salami 2 small shots of vodka and a sip of wine

11 pm- Power up chocolate shake

10 glasses of water, multivitamins.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

A bit of an update! Day 3!

I was planning to do a video blog on my journey for the longest time, however now with my mom being sick and in the hospital I am really pressing for time. But with God's help and my resolve I will do it sooner than later. There is a good news, not very good news and potentially bad news. Good news I am still hanging tight on the 6 weeks cure plan and for me surviving it for 4 days is truly big! I might have deviated a bit here or there but overall I have been right on! Not so good news that my Mom has been admitting in the hospital and is in a lot of pain. They are trying to rule out bowel obstruction or bowel seperation. Even morphine is not that effective at this point. However her tumore shrunk a bit so thats good. Potentially it could be from a life threatening bacteria which the hospital is trying to rule out. Hopefully, it is not and its just a bad inflammation. But time will show! I have a question for all of you guys who might read this. What kind of protein are you using and why? I started reading up a lot of research on whey protein and there is mixed reviews on whey protein I am using. Mine is Isopure 0 carb whey isolate which I like despite lots of people saying it tastes nasty. I read that J Rob whey protein that Sadekat is using is the best, but it is soooooooooooooooo expensive. It supposedly uses BCG free milk from organic cows and is all natural. But it is so expensive it would destroy my budget. it literally 10 times more expensive than other brand. I dont know, I know its probably worth it. Anyway, here is what I ate last night which was day 3 technically!

12 pm- Very berry Power up shake

4 pm- Very verry Power up shake

8 pm- Very berry Power up shake

11 pm- 5 oz of smoked salmon, 2 oz of chevre cheese, 2 Tbs of avocado or 3, didnt measure it

Lots of water, about 12-16 cups! I dont have a lot of time playing with my shakes. i usually do the whole batch early in the morning, keep it in the thermos and sip it all day long. I usually mix it up with 1-1.5 cups of Blue Diamond Breeze Almond milk+ 2-4 oz of heavy cream+ 6 scoops of Isopure protein+ 1 Tbsp of flax seed oil or fish oil+ 2 cups of ice+ 1 cup of mixed frozen berries and whaloooooa thats it and I use that batch for the whole day!

Friday, October 2, 2009

Day 2, I wish it was 14!

I was managing well until later tonight. I am huuuuuuuuuungry. And I did exhuast my food supply for the day. I am planning to just bear with it. I dont want to get an additional food but if I really yhave to I will. It will be something very reasonable, like another protion of meat or hot dog. Better than feeling guilty and blow it all together. So far it has definitely been a challenge, no questions about it. But so far, so good! I will keep my fingers crossed and my devils at bay. I am still a big boy and I do work out with weights so it might be ok for me to add a little bit extra food in case of emergency hunger. And I dont think that is cheating. I asked dr Eades and he said it would be totally fine. But aghain I want to stick to the plan and just ride this thing through for two weeks. After all I had been planning to do it for almost a year now. And no success after so many tries. But for some reason I do believe I can do it now. Sadekat, I am still holding on. Its getting tighter but I am doing it. It reminds me of that Biggest Looser comptetition where they make stand on one leg and see who can do it the longest.So far so good!

12 pm- Strawberry Power up shake

4 pm- Blueberry Power up shake

10 pm- 3 eggs with 2 turkey hot dogs, 1 Tbsp avocado and 1/2 cup of sauteed mixed vegetable

12 am- Blueberry Power up shake

Ton of water! I am huuuuuuuuuuuungry!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Today seemed to be a culmination of the past few days. I have kept my feelings totally hidden and it totally backfired on me. I felt like a cooker pressure with the whole world comin in on me. Last night seeing my Mom in such an excruciating pain and not being able to do a damn thing about was simply killing me from inside out. At one point the world was to believed to be flat or held by four elephants. Well, since the beginning of my life my Mom was those four elephants. She has been my best friend, my source of inspiration and I love her so very much. I am totally unequipped when it comes to seeing her being so fragile and weak. She had always been such a strong woman, a total backbone of the whole family. I never considered myself a momy's boy and she didnt spoil me even though I am the youngest one. Yes she still does treat me as a baby, but what mom doesnt! And yes my dad always said I am still on my mom's breast, lol, but I disagree! I and my father never got along. I love him a lot but we never see eye to eye on anything. He ran away from his mom's house when he was 13 and has been on his own ever since. But times were different then, it was in the midst of World War 2 and hunger. So he is a total survivor, a total maverick. Last night I and him had an altercation and he called me a disappointment. I felt crushed! He said had I had a family now and kids my mom would have probably be more at peace! I ran out of the house and for the first time in two years felt like smoking again! But I didnt and damn proud of it! But all that I had spinnining in my head were the words of my father! I felt like I had failed not only him but my ex-girlfriend who aborted my kid blaming me for it, my mother for not being a better son, my job. I just wanted to disappear! I never felt more lonely in my life. I was angry at myself, at my dad, at god at the whole wide world! I had the biggest urge to just drive away in a far, far away and start my life from scratch. But I knew it wouldnt happen, and plus its very difficult to run away from oneself! So this morning, being sleep deprived and mentally drained I created a perfect storm where my body just gave up! But I am now prepared to finally see professional help. I cant deal with it alone. For the longest time I kept denying help and postponing it. Where I come from its considered a total sign of weakness and despair. But screw stupid stereotypes and prejudices, I am not a teenager any more even though I do act like one at times. Again, I want to thank you for your support and care in this difficult time. This is what happened today. I had a total nervous break down! But I still pushed on with the program and managed to do fine on day 1 of blogger vs blogger chgallenge/

My starting weight= 227 pounds! I will take measurements tomorrow! I also had a flue shot today, never had it before.

Here is what I ate:

1 pm- 3 boiled eggs with 3 hot dogs and small tomato

4 pm- blueberry power up shake

7 pm- blueberry power up shake

9 pm- power up shake

Lots of super green cranberry tea for Trader Joe which I happen to like a lot. It didnt list caffeine as ingredient even though it might have some. But its really good.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Another challenge??????? What? Are you crazy?

Yes, I am challenging myself again! I have failed at challenges and if you havent noticed yet, I am still doing them. Why? Its a long story and I will explain one day. But today..... Today is another day and another challenge. And someone is joining me in this ordeal! Yes, my fellow blogger Sadekat is jumping on board with me to finish or start two weeks of Dr Eades 6 weeks cure! I have tried it few times and each time I failed! So this is another time but with a more exciting twist! So here we go again! Blogger vs Blogger, Man vs Woman, East coast vs West coast! Who will it be? Sadekat, you are on girl! But in the end its all love in here so we are doing it for love! We are doing it for love of our bodies and for love of our weaknesses. As one wise man once said: where would one be has he not had weaknesses? Bring it on, bring it on!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

How come are you still single?

It might be a bit off subject, but then again it is not. Because the very subject of this blog is to grow, learn and accept. What is a weight loss without finding oursleves? Is the weight loss a simple manifestation of something else going on? May be much deeper than we are, something on a level that a naked eye cant see or the ego cant understand? I think it is! We go on diets, we get off of them. Then we change it to the word lifestly thinking it might be the lifesaving technique. But it is isnt until we learn who we are and where we should be and how to get there and finally accept and love who we are not who we think we should be or who others want us to become. One man smartly said that what other people think of you is non of your business! I love that saying! So going back to original question " How come am I still single?' My ex asked me that very question tonight after I spent 3 hours on the phone consoling her. She is an extraordinary girl and I have dated her for 4 years which was an all time record. Mind you, she hasnt been with anyone for more than 6 months in all of her 110 years, lol, kidding 35 years! So despite our tremendous differences I still stuck by her until day it had become obvious we werent going to make it as a couple. But I did everything I could to save our relationship and make something of it that it wasnt. Ok, fast forward to today. She has been dating another guy, who is a lawyer by trade and makes a lot of money just as she does. She is a financial investor on Wall Stree. That was a big issue between us, she could never accept my satisfaction with my job. But I could care less. I was who I was and wasnt going to budge it. She thought I was a philosopher whos idea of happiness was sitting by the fire watching the stars and play my guitar, and she was right. Our values were day and night. She was way too materialistic or me and I was way too spiritual for her. Fast forward to today. She called me and I asked me a question " why, despite of all I ever wanted, I am still depressed and feel empty? I off course joked first and said that it was because she was missing me. But coming to my senses i responded that may be thats not what she wanted, but thought so because others instilled it in her. We had a long conversation and she finally said " Ok, if you are so special as you are, how come you are still single? I paused and than told her a story that I once heard my mother tell me. There was a rich, intelligent man whos looks and charms left no woman indiffrent. He was perfect, one woman said, he is so rich another whispered and he is so darn sexy third one exclaimed! He was passing alone and one of them asked him " Sir with all your attrbutes how come are you still single? Well, started the man, all my life I was looking for a perfect woman. And I eventually found her! We stayed together for a while and she left me! Left you, how is that possible? Because she was looking for a PERFECT MAN! So in this story my mother once told me, lies a lot of wisdom. At times we look for a perfect mate, a perfect job or a perfect diet when in reality there is none. Life itself is not perfect and thankfully so. Once I heard that the most expensive things in life are our mistakes! But it could also be a blessing! So may be when we stop looking for perfection around us and in ourself we will trully find happiness! BTW I blew my 6 weeks again, si I am taking a bit of a break to regroup! No regrets, no sorry for myself feeling, just acceptance. I am accepting who I am, good and bad, because I am who I am and who I am is a creation of a perfect being! So until we meet again, Thank you and God bless you!

P.S. My mother is and will always be my best friend, my mentor and my ideal model of a woman! And not because she is my mother but because she is trully a special and unique woman. She has always been just, brave and loving! I have never remember my mother putting me down or not believing in me. Yes, she scolded me and yes she put me in my place, but she would always remind me that she loves me and she will always cheer me on as long as I am doing the right thing. And the right thing she said is in your hearts already! Love you mom and may God keep you around for many, many years because you are just that special!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Back to square one!

I had a rough week recently and did slip off the plan. My Mother had a setback with her chemotherapy and was not tolerating new chemo very well. It put a lot of stress on me and my sister to see her suffer so much. For all of you who dont know my mother is going through a lot. She has been diagnosed with metastasized colon cancer, probably 4 st stage with possible spread to the lungs. She does have a huge mass in the liver. She had a surgery to implant a pump through her hepatic artery to feed chemo directly to the tumor cite. But she developed some post surgery complications and it took her much longer to recover. Then her surgeon came out and told me that if chemo doesnt work she has only few motnhs to live. That was sucha bummer considering how much my mom means to me. She has always been my best friend and life without her is like living without a sun! But I will not let this tumor get her donw and we will fight it to the best of both of our abilities. Its easier said than done and it is much more difficult for her than all of us. So recently her oncologist added another chemo drug that made her feel so lousy she needed hoospitalization. But again we will do our very best and I am ever so hopeful she can come out of it! Unfortunately that took some toll on my diet again. Off course it would be an excuse and i would never even think of using my failures on my mom's sickness. Life happens to all of us and it is our determintation and resolve that seperates loosers from winners and men from boys. So I havent grown up yet as far as this challenge goes. That being said i am not giving up! Back to square one and today was my first day being back on 6 weeks cure challenge! it was tough as I am still struggling to keep my emotional eating in check and my physilogical hunger at night. But its one day at a time!

1 pm- Isopure whey protein( 2 scoops)=
2 TBSP of heavy cream 1/2 cup of frozen strawberries=
1 scoop of Amazing chocolate super greens
1/2 tsp of flavored flaxseed oil
1 packet stevia

5 pm- Isopure whey protein( 2 scoops)=
2 TBSP of heavy cream 1/2 cup of frozen strawberries=
1 scoop of Amazing chocolate super greens
1/2 tsp of flavored flaxseed oil
1 packet stevia

10 pm- Isopure whey protein( 2 scoops)=
2 TBSP of heavy cream 1/2 cup of frozen strawberries=
1 scoop of Amazing chocolate super greens
1/2 tsp of flavored flaxseed oil
1 packet stevia

12 am- 2 eggs and 3 beef hot dogs

Friday, September 18, 2009

Energizer bunny you say, ha ha ha I can beat him to the curb today!

I am on day 1 of 6 weeks cure! Yeahhhhhhhh! So far so good, shhhhhhhhhhhh! Dont wake up my demons while they are asleep! I hope and pray they are gone but if not at least went harbination so I can have my peace for at least two weeks and finish this cruel challenge that I started a year ago. Today was a strange day indeed! I havent had a good night sleep today or last night or last year or, well, you get the picture! I joined zipcar.com and decided to teste drive few cars. I have already driven BMW 328 i which was cool. But I would never buy it. Lots of power, yes, lots of prestige, yes. But lots of money and unnecessary emitions. So no to BMW! Then I test drove few others including Scion XB; Toyota prius and mini. The verdict is in! I would have never thought in a million years it would be this car but it stole my heart! Here we go, lets the drum beat..........Toyota prius! Loved it! There is something about it that made me ticklish and at 50 MPG how can you not feel orgazmic. Plus going green too! Ok, back to the nutrition. I felt ok, a bit hungry at night, what else is new but managable. I only drank two shakes though. Hopefully tomorrow I will start 100 percent on the plan. Bad news I gained 7 pounds being a bad boy lately and pigging out but good news is that I only gained 7 pounds piggin out and being a bad boy! So now I am now back to 230, actually I was 235 so I am still down 5 pounds!

12 pm- 3 eggs omelette with slice of tomato, a tsp olive oil and a can of trout in oil and vinegar!

5 pm- 2 scoops of chocolate peanut butter whey protein with water and stevia. ( didnt have any cream at work)

9 pm- same as 5 pm.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Oh boy Oh boy! Insanity, Insanity is knocking on my door again!

I dont know what to do at this point. I failed miserably again. And this time not only did I get off the protein shake plan, I went off the low carb period. I did eat cookies, bread and other junk. And in all in all gained 8 pounds in the process. One thing I do know at this point is that I cant get emotional about it. I will instead keep analizing my mistakes and see what the culprits are and how to correct them. Last night I was desperate and was contemplating on quiting. I really thought about putting the end, throw the white flag and admit I just cant do it at this point. I still might, but not yet. I know its all psychological. But it has been long time coming and I must concur it. Dr Mike new plan asks for only two weeks sucrifice before embarking on 4 weeks of all you can eat meat part. So its only two weeks of endurance, liver cleansing and calorie restrictions. But boy oh boy is it tough. And the toughest part of me is not actually restricting cals but restricitng my reaction every time I deviate a bit. Every time I eat something extra even though its low carb I feel like the biggest failure and just go off alltogether. Thats the hardest part for me. I must do things 100 percent as prescribed or else I feel like the weakest and most failed person. I know its the head thing and I might admit at this point I might have a bit of obsesive-compulsive behaviour. But there has to be a way to just do it! And I am still looking. But what I leanrnt so far is that even if I do fail again I wont go off low carb. No way, it is just way too taxing on my body. I will just eat low carb instead. But for now the show must go on!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Attempt # 7 was no different than previous 6! It came to an early demise! Attempt #8 is coming up tomorrow!

Ok, it was over before it even bagun. Fine! I did manage to screw it up royally this time! But not to worry, I am not upset or delusional about it. I know how to tweak it now or at least I believe I do. My problem is not that I cant sustain it, my problem is night eating. I am pretty much back to my crazy night shifts. I am running around like a rooster without a head all day long, so eating and overeating is not a problem. And protein shakes work perfectly. They are both convenient and satisfying. The problem arises at night again when I hit the comfy demain of my bedroom. My cat jumps on me, I turn on my favorite sitcome and I am relaxed. Then when hunger hits me, raising its ugly head, tickling my mind and saying " Hey fat boy, its me again, your hunger. Get up and feed me and you know there is no way you can say no! I neeeeeeeed to learn how to say NO to hunger! I am a perfectinist by nature, its eather 100 percent effort to a T or all hell breaks loose and hold me if you can or hide the food! I cant believe I am still even talking about my demons. So the only effective way I know how to combat it was to eat liberally and eat when hungry. That meant success. I wouldnt eat much in a day time, but would something at night, not a lot just enough. And now that I cant eat what I want makes me rebelious on subconscious level. So here is a plan! I will go at it again and again and again until I succeed. End of story!

Monday, September 14, 2009

What is it about restricitons that brings about defiance?

Ok, I have decided to proceed with two weeks of protein shakes and one meal plan. I knew going in it was going to be tough. If it wasnt I would have been able to complete it by now. I have tried it numerous times to no avail. Each and every time it was a psychological struggle much more than a physical one. I naturally do not like restriciton! And anything that restricts my freedom, be it nutrition wise or anyhting else, makes me resist it on subconscious level. One of the most attractive feature of the low carb lifestyle is an ability to eat liberally without counting calories. And it gives you freedom. Yes, from time to time we need to vary even the low carb lifestyle, but as far as eating to satisfaction, there is no problem there. Protein shakes and one meal plan as described in Dr Eades new book is both challenging and rewarding! But boy is it tough! And I went off the low carb few days before allowing myslef to eat food that I knew wasnt good for me. Low carb is a prescribed philosophy and it is a lifestyle. There is no need for us to get off of it in order to cheat. But going on a more restricted two weeks of protein shakes makes my subconscious mind rebel. And it does rebel by wanting to eat junk in anticipation of upcoming punishment.Therefore I dont believe in protein shakes only, at least for long term. The whole reason low carb is successful for people like me is that I dont have to restrict myself calories wise. So with Gods help and my resolve I will be finishing these two next week of an old challenge so I can have some closure! It has been way too personal! I finished day one today! First day, first check. I wanted to videotype my journey but will not be able to do it due to lack of time and quite frankly lack of energy. By the time I come home I dont have it in me to videotape it. But I will eventually get to it as promised!

3 protein shakes
2 turkey hot dogs
2 tablesppons avocado

Saturday, September 12, 2009

I am back!

I am totally back! This Sunday should be the day when I totally retry my protein shake and one meal plan again. Who would have thought that my plan which was the whole theme of this blog would be the exact plan Dr Eades created for his first two weeks in his new book. I mean its that much similar! So if I was doubtful even a week ago about giving it another shot, I am no more. I am giving it another shot! And this time it should be on video tube like youtube to document it every day, struggles and all! I have no illusion about it. It will be tough, it will be boring, and it will be long. But the most important thing to know that it Will Be! I am back baby, so do not try to stop me now! And to my dear female friend who thought men are weaker, I say loud and clear again " No female will ever beat in any competitive activity, diet or not! The only thing they will ever beat me in is diaper changing, an art of seduction and thats about it! So there I said it women, deal with it! I am baaaaaaaack!

Friday, September 4, 2009

What is a man to do?

To do or not to do, that is a question of the day! Well, as you all know, all 3 of my followers, I challenged myself at least 5 times to finish a program composed of 5 protein shakes and one wholesome meal. To my own dismay and to others as well, that program came to early demise and each and every time. Until one day I decided to man up and quit. Yes, it is manly at times to just admit your faults and weaknesses and throw in a towel! All was nice and dandy until one day an evil female friend of mine happened to read my blog. She decided I was way too weak and knowing my never ending competetive nature decided to challenge me. And she did. She embarked on my own program, yes created by me, organized by me and finished it with flying colors loosing around 25 pounds within 4 weeks peroid. Not only did she successfully completed it but also started to get under my skin by rubbing it in my face. I was holding up just fine, ok almost fine. I kept insisting that I grew up and I am not a teenager any more. But........... not all is well in Vadim's nutritional Kingdom any more. I cant sleep well knowing that a woman beat me! I am in no way, shape or form a sexist, but I dont believe in loosing to a woman in anything! Here you go I said it. The only field a woman should be able to beat me is kneeding, diaper changing and seducing! Other then that I am a man who doesnt take loosing lightly especially from females. So here is my dilemma! What would be a more manly thing to do? Should I just grow up and admit she beat me to the curb or should I rise above my weakness and take one for a men team and prove to my best friend that this man will beat any woman in any comptetetive sport given same conditions. Please advice!

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Have you guys ever felt confused even on low carb?

Here is a funny joke I hope to translate. I am sure every contry has a region thats made fun of, in Russia it was Georgia. Georgia was southern part of Soviet union sitting high above the sea level in the midst of the beautiful Caucus. Georgians were known for their spicy personalities, love for women and great wine. and very funny toasts, jokes and stories. Here is one I would lie to share with you that illustrates the state of confusion even while being on the low carb lifestyle. damn I still keep saying that word "diet" which I dont mean. it must be still engraved in my subconcsious mind. Ok, now to my joke and my point: A Georgian man talking to another person sitting next to him at the wedding: Hey, i have been to many, many, many weddings but this one is by far the most unusual. Everything is so confusing. I cant even figure out if the bride is he or is it she? The person sitting next to him replies: You damn fool, this bride is my beautiful daughter and if you dont apologize i will personally stick a sharp knife right into your stupid head! I am deeply sorry sais the man, and i didnt know you are the bride's father! I think you truly want to die , I am the bride's mother! Confusions, confusions, confusions! I have recently started researching paleolithic lifestyle again and stumble upon Art Deveny. That man looks better at 71 than I looked at 5. He is doing soemthing right. So I started researching his lifestyle and listening to his interviews, including one he recently did with Jimmy Moore. I like his message. he does advocates a lot of intresting things. I also noticed that few of our beloved bloggers such as Sadekat and Erika started experimenting with modifying their lifestyles in relentless attempt to find a prefect plan. But does it exist? Does a perfect diet exist, does a perfect man or woman exist? I say no, because we are imperfect creatures living in imperfect world! But rather than saying perfect we say the word right! Right man, right woman and right diets do exist! So ita all about finding the right one whatever it might be! I once dated a woman whos voice was deeper than a horse in labor, her strenth was that of the Hercules but her heart was the size of the universe. She was the perfect one for me at that time! So its all relative said my brother einstein and I agree with him!

Friday, August 7, 2009

The longest distance in the entire universe is that from one's head to the heart!

My dear, dear readers! Do I still have some of you out there? If you are around come by and say hi! Well, Life has been very challenging for me lately. All my life I was kind of protected, shelled from dispair, misery or tragedies. I would contemplate few different scenarious in my head, but that would be as far as I would experience it, just in my head. I had always been kind of care-free, live for today kind of guy. And reality of life was one that was relatively happy, peaceful and predictable. Did I have adversaties? Sure. But did I handle them well? Well, not really. I alwasy thought adversaties were just like a potholes. You try to avoid them at all cost but if you do hit them in the middle of the road, just ignore them and go on with the rest of the trip. Not for a minute I would start thinking about adversaties in a way that others do. May be adversaties are given to us or created to us to either learn from them or is a way of Life to seek our attention. Kind of like a symptom is a a warning sign that not everything is so rosy in ones's castle. Well, to be continiued! My boss just called me into her office so I have to rush but I ll be back. I promised to do a vide blog and I will. Its coming and its coming very soon, hopefully today. Stay tuned my friends and I will update you on whats going on with my mom, myslef and my adversaties! But all I can tell you now is that I am growing up. A bit late at 37 but thats the road I chose.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart!

I want to express my deepest gratitude and appreciation to all of you guys for you support and kind words!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

All roads lead to death! But timing of it is crucial!

I am going through one of the most difficult period of my life. My Mother have been having flank pain under the ribs on the right side for 4 months now with accompanied fever. She had done some test but nothing was specific enouph to diagnose a problem. I took her to ER last friday and they found multiple nodules-lesions on her liver and both lungs. She has always been a glue of our family and a survival of two cancers before. I just hope and pray that there is small chance it could be infection or something treatable. I will start video bloggin soon!

Friday, June 26, 2009

Doctor, can you diagnose me as weird and not a failure?

I want to share a nice joke I once read. It is in russian so I hope it doesnt lose a meaning in translation. Here it is! A young woman goes to a doctor and complains that her husband cant satisfy her. The doctor sais" Well, why dont you find yourslef a lover then? A woman replies" I did, and he doesnt hit the spot either" Well, sais a doctor why dont you find a second one? A woman sais " I have four of them , and none can really satisfy me. You know what sais the doc, you are very strange! Thanks God doctor sais the woman! Can you give me this diagnosis in writing that I am strange because everyone keeps saying I am slut!!!!! Well, I have failed again! I gained 5 pounds back. And it is getting personal to a point where I am not angry but rather curious. I wont call myself weird or a failure! I must learn myself and understand why I subotage myself the way I do and how to keep emotional eating at bay! So this is my next trial. I hope to blog soon again and keep it somewhat consistent. If there is anyone still listening, thanks! And I do mean it from the bottom of my heart!

Monday, June 15, 2009

So much to share, so little time!

Ok guys, as pormised I am writing this very post. Lots of things changed since I last wrote the post. I now do own a wondeful Ragdoll baby boy. He is full of energy, spunk and attitude. But he is simply an invaluable addition to my family. He is a pain in the rear side at times but what a gift! I had to drive 5 hours away to get him from a breeder. Ragdolls are hard to come by where I live and I wanted to make sure I got him from a reputable place. I know some people will never understand why buy a kitten instead of rescuing one, but both I and my parents are very inexperienced cat owners and adopting a cat can and is very challenging at times. Raising a baby is much easier as he is still litte and growing up. He is still full of challenges but I am so happy to have him. His name is Saadya and I will post pics of him soon. Did you know that there is just as much controversy in the cat food industry world about whats to feed a cat as in human one. Lots of cats are coming up with same diseases as humans, especially diabetes. Know why? I think you probably do. Becuase many cat food manufacturers are using soy, corn meal and other cheap carb substitutes to make the food. And cats, unlike humans are completely carnivores not omnivores. So I had to buy him much more expensive food which is the lowest carb content on the market. So, yes, my cat is on the low carb too!

Ok, now a bit of update about me. My symptoms of irregular heart beat, tachycardia, headackes and general fatigue seem to subside and walk away, knock on wood. I am pretty sure that all that scare was attributed to induction. At least thats my biggest hope. For the first 3 days I had no appetite and felt completely awful,so bad that life itslef seemed like punishment. Thanks God I am better now. I will continue to blog my menus and my struggles, but forgive me if i miss a day or two, lol or week!

My weight is 230 pounds now! I did lose 5 pounds but need to lose 60 more.

Today I ate:

Breakfast: 2 chicken meatballs with spinach, artichoke and sun dried tomatoes
1/2 cup of mushrooms
2 oz pistachio nuts

Lunch: 1 can of water packed sardines with avocado, roasted pepper and grilled eggplant slices and squash

Dinner: 1 can of water packed sardines with avocado, roasted pepper and grilled eggplant slices and squash

Saturday, June 13, 2009

I will be back tomorrow!

I am fine, my cat is a joy and I will be back tomorrow blogging! I am honored to still have you guys believing in me and checking on me! Thanks!

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

I must get this fat monkey off my back!

I dont know if anyone is even listening at this point, but just in case anyone is here is whats been happening. I have been on a relatively low carb regimen and it worked fine, but no weight loss. I did eat to satisfaction and even a bit more at times. I enjoyed it too. I ate sweet tasting food and loved it. I would eat wholesome food as well but needed to supplement it with sweet tasting snacks and mostly at night. I loved low carb carb countdown chocolate milk sweetened with stevia and mixed with frozen berries and silvered almonds. But weight loss it wasnt. My health scare seemed to subside. It was truly scary and very debilitating. I dont know what it was and will keep praying its over. But here is my resolution for the next two weeks. I need to start reducing waist wise and fat wise. I need to stop using sweet tasting food and go to the foundation Atkin based induction for at least two weeks to get my weight on downward trend. So starting Friday I will embark on two weeks Atkins induction and I pray I will not go through induction flu that will bring on those scary irregular heart beats and extreame fatigue. But somehow I think it wont. So beginning Friday I will blog my new journey every day. If anyone is still listening off course!

Monday, May 25, 2009

It has been a week since I started low carbing back and ha, mixed results!

I started back a week ago. I have good and not so good news. Good news is that I managed to avoid all the nasty symptoms of induction. Bad news is that I only lost 0.5 pounds. But when I plugged the number I realized I was eating way too many carbs and probably a bit too many calories. I was probably subconsciously trying to avoid eating too little carbs so not to bring on onset of nasty symptoms I have been experiencing since last month. I was eating quite liberal amount of frozen blueberries mixed with silvered almonds and buttermilk. Quite yammy. If I learnt one thing is that I can eat healthy mix of things and eat to satisfaction and not gain weight. But for now the idea is to lose and lose quite a lot. So this week I will heat it up a notch to make sure I am in burning mode not maintanance.

Today I ate: So far at least

14 oz cauliflower mixed with 1 oz of baby mozarella and 1 tablespoon of coconut oil
1.5 oz silvered almonds
6 oz of cooked turkey breat
1/2 cup of mixed low carb vegetables
i protein shake

Monday, May 18, 2009

My first day back on low carb wagon! It hurts a bit and I am sluggish!

I am back on low carb. I have had a headacke all day long, not sure if its from switching to low carb and being in ketosis or my ongoing health issues. It was very managable though, pray to God it stays that way and doesnt get any worth.

Here is what I ate:

1 salmon burger with side salad

1 salmon burger with Shirataki noodles with mushrooms

1 salmon burger with Shirataki noodles with mushrooms

1 cup of Organic Kefir with 1/3 cup of organic wild blueberries

I made salmon burgers from Alaskan canned salmon and mixed it with two eggs and half a cup almond flour. I fried it with 3 tablespoon of coconut oil.

I will keep my fingers crossed that induction for the next two weeks will not provoke any health scare as it is a bit of shock to my body. But gotta stay positive!

Friday, May 15, 2009


I am still not fully low carbing yet. But getting there. I am not in a good place healthwise. My symptoms are getting worse and worth and I am trying to figure it all out. I know that they are there to teach me something. I know that it didnt kill me yet, and I know they probably wont. My doctor and few other doctors are clinging to the notion its panick attacks triggered by stress, both psychological and physilogical. But if any of you out there ever experienced full blown panick attack, share your experinces. I am not talking about anxiety here and there or chronic worries, I am talking about panick attack. Here is my experience with them. The other day I had a lot of stress at work to a point where I wanted to just quit. It was just too much to bear. I wanted to fight for myslef, but opted out of it because fighting with my boss can and is more stressful than not. I chose to simply send her email and let her know everything I thought of her. Well it didnt help. She is very stubborn and very self-centerd. Everything that she does wrong is just a learning curve, everything everyone else does wrong is lack of effort. But hey its life. What bothers me at this point is that I cant deal with it in a way that wouldnt bring on debilitationg panick symptoms. I used to ans still am a very standish guy, but whats different is the way my body reacts to me being angry, stressed or anxious. I crave simple life, may be a farm, animals, lots of kids , a lovely wife and no bosses! Lol, may be one day! I decided to start practicing Radical Humility at this point. I think its the only way to happiness for me. I realized I cant be confrantational unless I start smoking weed or be on Valim, lol, either one is not my cup of tea. I remember few years back, more like 15 when I first came here, I was in a stress reduction class. I couldnt quite understand why such a class would be part of college education. I came from a small town in Russia where life was simple, fulfilled and stress-free, unless chasing by a raging bull after you tickled his pride was considered stress. For me it was fun, lol. Oh, those years when you are young, care-free and stupid, where have you gone!

So here we are. Here is an example how bad panick attack can be. I came to work the other day tired. Havent had a good night sleep. It was nighmare. I ate a lot before bed. Then I fell asleep. I had awakened few times from sleep with my heart beating so fast and irregular that my whole body was shaking. I was scared and sweaty. But decided to just overpower the symptoms by going back to sleep and I did. Well, the next day at work I was experiencing palpitations, profusing sweating and an enormous scare. A feeling of impending doom, like God was calling on me to go home, lol. I tried to sit, didnt help. I tried to deep breath, didnt help. Nothong helped. I started panicking. I then jumped into my car and started driving. I didnt know where or why. I just wanted to go and go and go and literally drive those symptoms away. I was crying, I was helpless. I was scared. It was a hellish feeling of desperation and no help. I contemplated on calling "911" but knew fair well that it wouldnt help. Because they would administer saline solution and it would all go away on its own. I was in agony. Finally I called my sister and asked her to meet me outside her place of work. I needed to be with someone I knew. The feeling of dying is so real in panick attacks. My heart was beating irregular and so forcefully. I was hyperventilating and sweating profusely. MY mind was racing all over and I was consumed with terror and feeling of hopelessness. Then I decided to take a beta-blocker my doctor prescribed. In 5 minutes litterally I started feeling better. My heart was slowing down, the mental scare and fog was lifted. I was back on Earth. 30 minutes later all the symptoms were gone but I felt calm and tired. i went home and took the best nap of my life. Half an hour later I was up and running again. Soon I was tired again and my blood pressure was 100/60 . Beta-bloker lowers blood pressure but it was fine. I went to the gym and had the best 20 minutes of weight lifting exercise I had in a while. My heart was not beating strongly, no irregularity and most of all, I was quite strong. It was such a relief and felt as God himslef administerd it. So I am still struggling but will see a speacialist soon that deal with panick attacks. Meanwhile my doctor is doing other tests to rule out any pathology or any other illnesses that might be causing my symptoms. Anyway, thank you all for your continued support and I hope to be food bloggin soon. See you!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

I am full of it and it doenst want to leave!

I want to thank all of you guys for being so supportive. I have never met any one of you but feel we have known each other for so long. I am still sick or at least I still feel discustingly not ok. I have been to a cardiologist and he found an extra systolic beat in my heart. I did 24 hours holter monitor and it showed infrequent PVC( premature ventricular contraction) . But my cardiologist thinks it might be triggered by some kind of physilogical stress or anxiety. For the past two weeks or so I have been in hell as far as my symptoms. I feel good in the morning and then during the day and at night I feel dead. It all starts with stretching pain in my stomack and I feel bloated. If I sit donw, I am ok, but as soon as I walk up the stairs I feel short of breath, cold sweat and palpitation. I have to immediately sit or I feel like fainting. I take alka-selzer and it helps a lot, but not for long. I have been off the low carb for now but still havent felt any better. I still try to eat mostly lower carb though. I will try to update soon. I just hope it all goes away. I feel full of it!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I have been suffering from some mysterious symptoms! I prey to God I will find some answers soon!

Hi guys! i am sorry for not posting for such a long time! I have been sick for a week now. It was really bad over the weekend and not its getting better, but not nearly good. This past Saturday I had a bout of tachycardia to a point where i couldnt walk half a block . It started a week ago but gotten worsened over the weekend. I have spasmatic pain in my stomack area when its happening and then heart starts racing. i havent been eating much lately and lost 10 pounds. I think its a combination of some bug plus anxiety. i started taking beta-blockers and feel a bit better , at least I can work now, but i still cant work out or do any meaningful physical activity. I will update soon. i have been mostly on lower carb diet, but I do eat few fruits and a pice of whole grain bread here and there.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Since it is a food blog, I felt a need to be a bad boy and break the rules!

I felt compelled to share this very letter that i sent my boss. She started having a more informal conversations with me to understand me better so we can move on to a better work environment! I feel few of you guus might indeed appreciate this story as it describes me a bit and where i come from. BTW I am fully back on a low carb wagon and intend do blog about it very soon!

You are generous with compliments! How else did I gain almost 30 pounds in the last year, lol? I should be able to work day time. I will have to reschedule few of the projects I am involved, but it should be no problem. My schedule is pretty much flexible right now. I am working on my issues now that are slowing me down on all levels. I had solved few of them already so hopefully by the time you go on maternity leave I am shooting on all cylinders instead of just one. My machine has been running low on fuel, but I am working hard to fix it. As far as my intelligence goes, you are greatly exaggerating. Yes, i did score 130 on IQ test and I did graduate in 10% of my class or was it 2%, well not important, but if i had a brain with those numbers I would be dangerous! I am suffering with identity issue according to the psychologist I am seing now. She said I want to be free and independent and not to conform to society rules and yet I still have to just because I live in one. But if you ask me that's bunch of frog's testicle fluid. I think unless you are Oprah or Hugh Huffner , you do have some kind of identity issue. But she insists I do have identity crisis at the moment. Well, her IQ is 129 so I dont think she knows any better, lol. She does say i am horrible patient and a very dismissive one, even though I make her laugh. I think time to stop seeing psychologists. They do find more problems tha solutions! But to be frank I am struggling with identity issues. I dont know who Vadim is at the moment! It freaks me out a bit but thats life. When I was younger, I was a go getter, kind of go grab life by its balls kind of guys. But it was way too much as my extreme personality shined through with flying colours. I never took no for an answer. If I was pursuing a girl and she said no, it was yes in my opinion but hse didnt know it. I was stubborn and never gave up. If I knocked on a girl's door and she didnt open, I would get through the window. if all windows and doors were closed I would knock the house down, build a new one, put the girl there and start all over. I have many stories that are both funny and educational, may be one of these days I will write a compilation of essays. For example back in my school years, I was very good student yet never worked as hard or nearly as hard as I could. In Russia, education systemsomeone's is completely different than USA. There were no multiple choice, every test was a verbal one in front of the whole class. So the teacher would assign homework and scroll through the roster to call on someones' name to get in front of the blackboard and answer her questions. One time Russian Literature Teacher assigned for the whole class to read Mother by Gorki's, who was and still is my favorite writer. It was world's soccer tournament and naturally no-one read anything. Given the fact that I was called upon a day before and gotten an A, I figured my turn was not yet near to be called. She asked if anyone wanted to volunteer and go in front of the blackboard to tell the whole class about Mother written by Gorkiy. Noone read it and everyone in the class was hiding shamefully behind other's backs. Silence was the name of the game. I was the only one looking ever so proudly in the direction of the teacher. I was so sure she wouldnt call on me as I was sure the sun was going to rise next morning. She did call on me before after all. And usually teachers dont call on the same students twice in a roll unless your name is Vadim or you look both cocky and confident. But my confidence was all for the wrong reasons. See, not very intelligent! She said " Vadim, you look like the only guy in class that is ready to surprise me today" Or was she ver right about that, it was a surprise to her, more like a shock if you ask me. I was doomed! I hadnt read it , I was busy watching soccer a day before. But I couldnt just say " Please spare the embarrassment and excuse me today as I havent read it. No, I was way too creative to just do that. I walked in front of my teacher, stood by the blackboard and started yapping away! I was on a roll, and noone could stop me. All my fellow students were rising out of their shameless shells to hear me speak ever so eloquently about Mother. The more my fellow students were astounded by me, the more my teacher was looking pale. After i was finished the whole class erupted in applauds. They were all so proud of me. After all i was the only one who read Mother by Gorkiy! After my teacher recovered from a mini stroke she had suffered, she quietly said " Vadim, who's mother were you reciting? It surely wasnt Mother by Gorkiy! She then said " I will give you C for creativity but everyone else who was applauding your nonsense will get an F! People still swear that the Mother I was telling them about was better then Gorkiy! It is still the story that mothers tell their kids in my school! When I was growing up all that knew me would tell me how gifted and talented i was and how one day i would change the world. And I believed them. Vanity is indeed a big sin! So coming to this country I was certain to be destined for bigger and better things. Then my life would start shaping up like any other person's would. Going to shcool, studying useless information just to fit it, to conform. All my dreams of doing better and better things were fading away. I simply felt like a Zombi, a robot that was programmed and shaped by someone's else beliefs. materialistic women that would tell me how wonderful I was and how much fun they had being around me to only drop me for another guy who was a bit more well off financially. I started developing complex after complex, questioning everything i once thought i was capable of doing. I was fed bunch of lollipops, hence gaining weight. Food had become my refuge, my only true friend and so were cigarrettes. I said, what a heck if there is all there is out there for me, i might as well just go with the flow and be like everyone else. Then I started studying La Tzu and Taoism. All of a sudden I become humble, peaceful and reserved Vadim. i was more like a palm tree, flexible, yet strong. I was adopting to a theory that my life is not an accident and everything was there for me already predestined. I believed that no matter what I did, it was the right thing to do! So somewhere between feisty and stubborn Vaidm of the past and laid back and philosophical Vadim of the presnt, I got totally lost! I am trying my hardest to figure it out, the sooner the better! I dont know why I had to burden you with this story. But once i started i couldnt stop. BTW, I was typing it on my break, lol! I have tons of other stories that i wouldnt change for the world. Those memories are priceless! I always wanted to tell the infamous story to everyone at the staff development event but had no time. I told Liam this story and he literally stopped talking to me for a month! It is indeed wild, may be one day I will share it! Just to preview it, I once was offered $100,000 dollars to sleep with a beautiful call girl by a major leaguer on drugs! I challenge his ego and he wanted to prove to me that everyhting in this world has a price tag! Well i proved him wrong. Damn, was I dumb! You see another instance of my lack of intelligence! Regina, I will be forever thankful to the Student Center no matter what. I own my smoking cessation to it, thats worth more than I will probably know or appreciate. And I do understand the rules of the game! I love sports, amnd in sports they say you are only as good as your last at bat! I just felt compelled to share few stories about me stories about my life to have a better understanding of how complex my gemini personality is. Can I use this looooooooong letter as a staff development tool? I promise I wouldnt do it anymore. And i honestly hope my performance and your expectations are met sooner than later. And if not I will fully bear the consequences! In no way, shape or form I feel above the rules, and I know you are very fair!

Disclaimer: This letter is not a way for me to sweeten my boss's relationship with me! lol. I just love to share my experiences, especially with those who can appreciate it. Sorry for the spelling mistakes and grammar. i was just flowing! Thanks for your kind words when I deserve it!

Monday, April 6, 2009

A house of 10,000 matches! At times we need to destroy an old destructive house to be able to build a new, more fundamentally sound and healthy one!

When I was a little boy and even more like a teenager, one of the most fascinated thing to me was power of distraction. My mother told me stories that when I was about 3 years old I would patiently wait for hours on te beach to get a chance to destroy sand castles that other kids built. I would quietly watch boys bring small buckets of water to girls who were building up sand castles. Then I would wait till they were a bit distracted and sneaked in on them to put it down. It would always fascinate me how fast and hard it is to build something and how it easy it was to destroy it. I have a huge scar on my left hand, more like an attached flap on my finger from glass hitting my hand, I almost lost my hand when I was about 12 or so. My sister is 7 years older than me, and she was one of this girl that did everything right, by the book, so to speak! She was a straight A student, community leader, pride of the family! I was, well...... not so much pride of anyone when I was growing up. Denise Menace so to speak. All my teachers told my Mom that I was way more gifted than my sister but never cared enough to realize my full potential. I and my sister used to collect different things for hobbies. I was also collecting sport memorabilia. I was a huge sport fanatic, still kind of am. She used to collect color matches and build up houses out of it. She won many prizes for it. One day my family had a big family gathering for my sister's birthday. It was a day that I hated. Everyone would give her millions of compliments and told her how proud they were of her. She was this and she was that! I would sit quietly in the corner of the room until it was over. I never liked adults much when I was younger. They were mean and fake in my opinion and very old. At the end of the night one of the geniuses would remember a little kid sitting in the corner and said " Oh Vadim you will accomplish something too, dont feel so bad. You will just have to work as hard as your sister''. I wasnt jealous or anything but couldn't understand why adult had to give fake compliments or console the kid who they managed not to see all evening. Was it a way to compensate for their lack of attention to a kid who wasnt so perfect according to society ways? Its like here suck on this lollipop and when you do better come and talk to us, otherwise just sit in the corner and be quiet. Since that day I always have hard time with big, official corporate like events. Many adults, many lollipops. Going back to that eveneing when my sister got all her prized compliments. When the event was over she passed by me and said " See, brother, when you do well in school and work your hardest, many respect and adore you. So stop being a menace and be like me, arent you proud to have me in your life so you can emulate! I do now, not then! I was pissed at her for being such a brag. I couldnt wait for the evening to go over. But before it was indeed over, there was one more compliment for her that broke a Camel's back! It was on my sister's house that se built with 10,000 matches. It was a piece of art! My uncle was a captain of the big ship and traveled extensively around the world. He would bring my sister many big wooden matches fro her to build her houses. This particular house of 10000 matches won many awards and countless praises and compliments for her! The house was magnificent and colorful. Roof was made of mixed red and green matches, more like renaissance times. Windows of made out of yellow and so on. So after the evening was over and I finally could have my quite moment, a bad thought came into my mind. I wanted to rebel against compliments and rewards, against society so to speak. Do you know what I did????????????? I think you do, lol!

I burnt the house of 10000 matches! I never felt so free! That house stood as a symbol in my silly haead at the time of fakeness and many compliments I couldnt stomach. Little did I know at the time that it was indeed a symbol of hard work and perseverance! I do now, lol. what did my sister do? When she came home and saw the house being burnt that took 6 month to build match by match, she temporaryu lost her mind. She grabbed a knife and ran after me. I ran into the kitchen and slammed the glass so hard that a piece of glass cracked and took off my left finger. I was taken to the ambulance and my finger was saved but a flap and a big scar still remains as a reminder of my destructive ways. She still claims today that she was trying to cut my fingers so I couldnt destroy anything any more. If you ask me, I think she went for my head, lol! We are , by the way, are best friends now. I swore that day that for the rest of my life, I will try to create and build instead of demolishing. May be that's why I still cant stand compliments. I havent built much or creatwed much since. But I havent destroyed much either, lol, I think! So when I try to create something, even on a miniature stature, like a Green board, expectations are so high in my subconscious mind, that's its hard to match unless its Leonardo De Vinci kind of board. Sorry for the long story, but i had to sort of expain a history so u can understand. And I dont tell this story often.Its just when it hits the right cord I do, and when I start telling, its usually a long story. Like I once said ''To make a short story long""" But i cant help at times. If you read this far without deleting, you have a lot of patience. Anyway, thanks for the compliments but I honestly think I could have done much, much better. It was just ok . May be good enough for one compliment, lol! But I guess I am hard at myself at times. May be because I still haven't delivered that promise that I gave as a young boy and its bothering me! Anyway, I am working on it and have a little more time, I hope, to achieve!

I am still working on it. Not hard, not hard enough. But I know, I know and I do know it will happen. So help me God!

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a fat man?

I totally let it go tonight! I ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and then......... I ate and ate and ate and ate and ate.....and then I couldnt eat any more, so I ate no more!

But its ok! Yes, you heard me right, its ok! I fell hard on my face but while I was down a big lightbulb came on. And while the light bulb came on I saw the light! I got it! I got it, I got it! I am back in the loop! I found the answer I was looking for all this time that I was gaining weight. I must go back to the roots of the low carb life, basics so to speak, fundamentals so to write. And while I was down guess who came to mind? Harry! I saw his menu, his wonderful variety of low carb wholesome food and consistent resolve. I need to eat wholesome and real food. And that requires preparation, planning and imagination. So back to induction. For the first time since I started doing low carb I truly want to go to induction. May be because it symbolises a new beginning, a new step toward hope for better results!

I am sick and tired of being pregnant for so long. My boss was having an emotional day at work. i caught her in a wrong moment and she yelled at me for no particular reasons. Well, I gave her the LOOK. I give her THE LOOK every time she pisses me off. She said, listen, wrong day to get on my nerves. I said " I know how you feel". She asked me sarcastically " Do you really? " I said ''I do really! But unlike your pregnancy mine has been more than 9 months! She gave me THE LOOK and went back to her office! I love women!

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

I am seriously wounded but not left for dead yet!

I have gone above and beyound in stupidity101 and stubborness 102 classes. Life had thrown me few curve balls and I crumbled like a cheap Russian automobile. I have gained loooooooooots of weight and now at 245 pounds which is way above what I have been in years! I have been on a low carb regimen for the past 3 weeks but havent lost a pound. But I did eat a ton. I did exercise a ton too. So it might be that I gained some muscle along the way, I definitely lift heavier now. As a matrer of fact I did manage to set my personal best in bench press and back pulls. That said I can stand to lose a lot iof weight. I drew one important conclusion. I can eat to a full staisfaction on a low carb and not gain weight. But to lose weight I need to drastically reduce my overall caloric intake. I really belive its the only way out. Either that or stop eating low carb treats and lots of dairies, but then it will become boring since I am not an avid meat eater. We shall see. I am leaning toward mixed and match strategy. Hope to keep you posted, at least those few ones that are atill intrested.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Challenge it is not, but something to aim for it is!

Ok, dear followers of my insane ever changing blog! Here I come again! In 100 or so days blogging I have done everything or almost everything wrong. And the first and most important thing I did wrong was to challenge myself doing things that I wasnt ready to do! Challenges are fun and bring out the best in people. It is absolutely ok for people to challenge themselves to aim higher, dream bigger and live fuller! Challenges bring out the best in people and let them discover bounderies are only mental limitations. However saying all that one needs to be psychologically ready. And I for one was not! So I am deciding to aim for much easier tasks. I will aim to stay on low carb for 100 days without breaking it. I will not attempt to weigh myself or count calories. I will count carbs though or at least try to be as clean as possible! I am now at my third highest weight ever= 250 pounds! I would always wait till Mondays or New Year or new this or new that to start new and healthier life. Why not start Thursday? Every time I started Thursday I failed. I know its in my head. Time to break free of that mindset. I am starting today, Thursday and count down 100 days to low carb life. Let me define Low carb life as I see it. I will definitely attempt to stay below 50 grams of total carbs a day! I will keep my fingers crossed and I know its absolutely doable. Will it be perfect? I know it probably wont, but is it doable? I know it is, I did for 6 month last year. It wont be purist low carb as some define it ,but it will be low carb the way I see it and it will keep my insulin low! Here we go, DAY 1 is today! Here we go again!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

What is that?

I loved this clip! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mNK6h1dfy2o


I am so happy to have found this website. You guys are indeed jewels! I have done many diet before, including medifast and bunc others. Let me honestly say this, you guys are the best. You dont judge, put anyone donw or shame! I believe so much in Love and caring, kind word over harsh and demeaning sentence. May be toupghness works for some, never did for me. I even tried to be touph and rouph with myself, it doesnt work. Since I was a very young boy I always fought for those who were abused and mistreated. I always wanted to be a cop or a teacher or a doctor or any other servant to help people. I didnt become a cop becuase my mother begged me for her. I was struggling with that decision but she said if there is one thing I could do for her was not to become a cop. I didnt. I wanted to become a doctor but soon learned how difficult and at times ruthless of a road it is, but being a teacher is still an option. I love kids and I love to help, so last night I decided to pursue this option, even though its going to be difficult financially. I cant stand to be useless, unhappy and unhealthy. I must find my niche to find my equilibrium. If there is one thing in life that makes me sad is to be disappointed in those who I thought were my friends or caring people. Last night it crushed to have found out how truly fake people are at times. I was disappointed in my boss. I work for State, its not even a private school. There is so much politics going on in there its nauseated. I graduted from the very school that I work for now with a BS degree in DMI that is diagnostic medical imagining. I was on top of my class with 3.98 GPA. I could have easily be making around $80.000 but I am not. It was a conscious decision and I do not regret it. I usually do not regret anything, there is a reason for all. Once a student I worked in the student activity center and loved it. I was a student and now I was working for them. I know what they like and what they need. My boss fired a night manager before and seing that I was good with students asked me to stay and manage the fascility t night. She couldnt be nicer or pleasant for all this time. I have worked with her for the past 3 years. All of a sudden things started changing for the worst. I even told her one time that everything can be handled humanly and with dignity. I was defending students organization and disagreeing with her more and more on policies. She started getting very defensive and telling me to basically zip it. But as you guys know by now, zipping it is not an option! I eventually told her " Listen if you want to fire me do so but there is no need to be disgraceful or nasty about it. I consider myself an open-minded guy and believe in opne, honest and constructive dialogue! The problem is for her that unlike other manager before I am truly loved and appreciated by many students on campus and much of the faculty. She realizes it and understands that if she fires me the union and student body will rebel on campus, lol, i know they will. One time they protested to the president when I was not allowed to implement few policies on their behalf. But my boss brings a lot money to the university, she is originally from Georgia and does a lot of fundraising on university's behalf. So follow the money as one wise man would say! She has a looooooooooot of power! I dont and wont even put up a fight for many reasons. I just hope that the storm will calm down and we find a happy medium where both of us can coexist! Today I feel much more at peace. I pray that my low carb finally gets it going once and for all!