Monday, January 30, 2012

Feeling blah!

Today was a so so day today as far as eating clean is concerned. I did eat relatively low carb but did end up overindulging on quest bars. Ate three of them in one sitting and that's on top of dinner of two eggs and a can of sardines with 1oz of nuts. Better day tomorrow!

Sunday, January 29, 2012

If I could select a movie title for my ever ongoing weight loss struggle what would it be?

Hmm, good question Vadim! So what is it? I think the best title for that movie would be Gone with the wind!!!

Every time the wind of change brings some challenging times into my life my weight and therefore my body start to suffer. For years I let my emotional demons, my insecurities and my worries dictate my choices. My choice of food, my choice of work, my choice of partners.

And if there was one thing I could change about myself it would be an ability to believe in myself and my Gods given abilities even when e storm of change comes around bringing winds of fear and unknown. My fat belly, my fat hips is not so much a result of overindulgence and love of junk food per say. It's the direct result of my inability to handle life's changes in a way that I would advice my friends to do. If I only treated myself and my own body as I would my friends or other people that I love and respect.

If I only could start honestly loving myself! After all I think I deserve it. If I honestly could describe the qualities I love about myself it would be a very very long list. Much longer then a list of things I don't. But somehow I chose to focus my subconscious mind on my shortcomings rather cherish my good ones. And I chose to feed my negative emotions instead of learn how to love myself, my body and my imperfections.

Hence all my insecurities and fears. I must change my thinking, both conscious and unconscious. I must nut run from my problems but face them head on. There is no escape in junk any more! It's time to change buddy!

My lovely friend shezug from the the other side of the country challenged me to come up with some sort of challenge for the upcoming week. And I did. I am challenging myself to eat clean low carb food without counting calories or any sort of measurements including scale. And I promised to blog every day. So it starts here. I want to change!

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Where there is a will there is a way! God, I need your help!

I fell off again and hit the rock bottom yet again stuffing my face in junk. I have been eating my worries away. I don't know how I let it happen so fast. Addiction is a horrible disease. Before I knew it a week pass by , then another one and now I am back to 275 from 260 few weeks ago. I have had a hate and love relationship with my scale. I need to completely disassociate myself from scale and concentrate fully on eating for health. I owe it to myself, my family and my Mom! I promised it to her and she never thought I would deliver. And I didn't when she was still here but I have to do it. I am pushing 40, a very dangerous age for a man. My body was forgiven but how long can it forgive my abuse??? I must change!

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

My marriage to medifast has ended!

After many attempts to reconcile our relationship I unilaterally decided to end my relationship with a great company called medifast. I spent thousands of dollars on this program but didn't manage to successfully follow through. And after thousands of dollars and wasted opportunities I have no other choice but call it quits. And the biggest reason being is that I can't simply afford any more. I was naive and stubborn into thinking I can make it work. But I couldn't. So losing my job seemed paramount sadness at the time and in this uncertain economy. But fear was always my biggest obstacle to overcome. Fear of dying prevented me from living fully, fear of failing prevented me from succeeding, fear of losing prevented me from gaining. So fear I must concur. And this is the next chapter of my life. I lost a job because I needed to start a new life. And hopefully it will be a blessing. As far as my diet is concerned I am going to the basics and employ my old friend low carb lifestyle. And it must be a lifestyle.

Current weight around 267 . I will blog more just to keep track and I hope I still have some following.