Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Dear blog!

Dear body of mine! I am deeply sorry for using you as an experiment and human trash machine. You did let me know on numerous occasions that you had enough but I refused to listen. And even after all this abuse you are still giving me a chance even though I feel I am running out of time and your patience threshold. Therefore I am really serious this time to do my ver best to treat you with respect and care that you so deserved over the years! I am really grateful to you for being so forgiven!

Dear God I made promise after promise to you and Mom that I kept breaking. I feel terrible about it. Please forgive me and give me strength to do what I know I need to do deep in my heart! Please save me from myself when I am on a wrong path and I need you more then ever! I know you create every human with purpose. I know that you don't create junk so I don't want to turn your creation into junk either. I ate tons and loads of junk over the years but with your guidance and Moms love I can do it!

Dear warriors, I thank you all for supporting me in my times of hardships and not giving up on me!

For the first time in a long time I managed to stay somewhat fully on plan yesterday! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaapy! I threw away my expensive Tanita scale. I mean I placed it visibly in the garbage so someone else may find a more productive use for it. I have wii that I will use from time to time to see where my weight is but I want other markers and most importunely my health to guide me in my journey as far as success goes. Thank you for being here!

I now weight 275 pounds! Horrible!

Yesterday I also found out that my unemployment application was denied which is a huge bummer given the market and amount of bills I have. Fortunately I will move in with my sister while renting my house to keep up with mortgage. It's tough but I wanna learn to cope with emotional pin by not abusing my body with junk. It doesn't help! Only gives you split minute instant gratification but then.......

For the first time in a very long time I was able to turn this bad news into something positive. Oh yeah, I felt weak and lost for a few minutes. Scared, off course. After all I do have an expensive new car lease, a mortgage and few credit cards payments that I must keep up with. I also need to pay for my dentis and health benefits. But I managed to collect myself and use the emotional pain of uncertainties and fear turn into a triumph of victory for at least one day. And if I can do it for one day, I can do it for two! And if I can do it for two I can keep on going until I do it daily in the name of health! It's worth much more then thenother alternative!

Wednesday, November 9, 2011


Ouch, ouch, ouch! I went to the dentist thi s morning at 11 and he was done with me at 2. he pulled the remaining of the tooth or more like q stubborn root and placed two implants. He was ruthless. I mean the tooth, dentist too by the way! I am in paaaaaaaaaain! And the lesson I learnt is to never ever ever see the YouTube video of how implants are done before the procedure. The dentist kept saying he never saw anyone receive so much anesthesia and still be in pain. He cut my gums with a blade...... Sorry girls! He gave me vicodin but I didn't take it. I hate meds. But I am taking antibiotics. On a positive note I can't eat for two days he said, lol. He said hard food though but I don't think I will eat anything. Just thinking about food makes me cringe. Is it true girls that tooth ache is wormy then pregnancy contraction? If so I don't think it's that bad, lol, at least it's manageable.. Ouch, ouch, ouch... What a he'll?! My pain again..... Ok, gotta go sleep it off. Later gang!

Monday, November 7, 2011

Did anyone notice I was gone?

Vadim Chernov
I am sad! I weighted in this morning and it's 260! I gained a whooping 14 pounds in two weeks by binging my way out of medifast. But I learnt few new lessons and I relearnt old ones.
First, I am going to go to the OA meetings. I am an addict and there is no other way to put it. I am addicted to carbs and for me one is too many 100 is not enough. When I get in that mood my brain seems to just turn into an addiction mode and it becomes a wild ride where I eat a ton of garbage and I eat until I physically can't any more.

So my plan is:
1. Accept that I have a compulsive overeating disorder and seek help for it
2. Stick with medifast and in case of crisis eat extra protein and extra snack or eat sunflower seeds so I can both stay in ketosis and satisfy that oral fixation.
3. Not to dwell on my weaknesses and fight them but instead work with my strength.
4. Start seriously incorporating journaling my feelings.
5. Never ever, ever, ever, ever think I can eat a piece of cookie or just an ice cream and stop there. I simply can't eat them at all! Just like a person with severe allergic reaction wouldn't eat something they are allergic to I must retrain my brain to accept that I am allergic to junk food and bad carbs. Period! End of story! I simply can't eat it!

6. Pray!
7. Drink more water!
8. Go to sleep before 11 pm!

So here is my plan moving forward so help me guys help myself and help me God be my best!
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Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Angry update!

I am angry, I will not allow my self-destructive twin to hold me prisoner any more! I just don't comprehend how easy it is for me to go back to my old ways once I am unhappy about something. I simply crumble like a cheap cookie and hide my emotions in junk food. It's not happening any more, at least for a while. I am on this weight loss crusade for my Mom who wanted to see me in shape. And if I can't do it for me I will do it for her. I seem to sabotage my efforts as soon as something goes against what I perceive should be the result. So without further damage this is my damage control plan:

1. Throw away my expensive scale. At least take the batteries out and stop weighing every day. I will do the same with my wii. Weigh in will only be done on a once a week basis.

2. Drink lots of water and not sugary diet iced tea.

3. Have all my medifast meals before 8 pm and have only lean protein with non-starch veggies after 8 pm.

4. Start some kind of physical activities after one full week of keto adaptation.

5. Stop reinventing wheels when I jump off the bandwagon so to speak. I tend to stop working the plan every time I go off the program. I will work the plan and continue on it even if and when I get off which happens from time to time.

I was doing quite well this week until I stepped on a wii scale Monday night and found out I was 6 pounds heavier then Sunday. And I followed the program that day. So instead of rationalizing the gain as simply water weight I decided to get frustrated and shove my face in a lot of carb loaded pita with cheese. It wouldn't be so bad but it continue the next day. I decided since I cheated and went off medifast the prudent thing to do was to fast for a day. And I did. But when I came back home after work I had this urge to peek at the scale to see if I lost all that extra weight form a night before. Instant gratification you know! And when I stepped on a scale it only showed a weight loss of two pounds and I was still four pounds or so heavier then on Sunday. So I did the next horrible thing I knew. I pigged out. And this time it was even worth then pita with cheese. I did feel a bit better afterwards, lol . But this morning I am bloated again and out of ketosis. And I weigh 257 pounds which is a net gain of five pounds since Sunday. I must reside my brain and change the way I look at things. It has been a loop long time coming. I am still ok with my efforts lately. After all I did manage to lose more then 20 pounds recently. But it's not enough. I must continue working the plan to get healthier and I am not exactly 25 any more to allow for these crazy fluctuations and body experiments. So starting today I am not weighing myself daily and will continue on medifast as best as I can and I know I am capable when I put my best efforts.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Is anybody there?

After hyberntating for a few months I am back to some blogging. I am not sure if there are any people reading it at this point, but if any one of you are still lurking around let me know. My Mom had lost her battle with colon cancer and its still not registered in my head that she is gone. Weight wise I am doing much better> I promised Mom that I will get in shape and I will. So far I had lost about 15 pounds and now I am at 259 pounds. I am doing Medifast program with some additional modification as needed.

Friday, April 22, 2011

I'm fat, but I'm thin inside. Has it ever struck you that there's a thin man inside every fat man, just as they say there's a statue inside every bloc

I am back to that proverbial square one! And I gained few pounds in the process agaaaaain. I weight 280 now, up five pounds from a month ago. I simply indulged few many times over the last two weeks. The stress at work, home and few other emotional let downs didnt help much. But all excuses aside I am still going to go on. No matter what I believe I will find my way to get in shape, drop the many pounds of fat and get healthier. The Passover teaches to be free of slavery, both on physical and spiritual levels. And God knows I must get rid of many things that enslave me. Is that a word, enslave? Hmmm. I must find a way to not be depend on food for comfort. I know its hard but its doable, at least eat the right food when in crisis, lol. The other day I was looking at my photos from Cancun vacation that I embarked on 13 years ago. And oh my, what a difference. BAck then I weighed 185-190 pounds and now I weigh 280. And back then I thought I was fat. I guess I didnt know what would have become of me in only 13 years. But the good thing is I am still capable and I still believe. So back to square one or to that stone that will one day look more like a stature, a stature of healthy looking Vadim, a more healthier and youthful me!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Happiness is a good health and a bad memory!

I am still hovering at around 275 pounds. I did good for a few days but then the usual happened. No excuses though. I will take it though. I kind of seem to at least stop the wreck train from further damage. Still trying hard to get on a low carb sane wagon and stay there without cheating. I am not sure if it is psychological nut every time I go on a strict low carb regimen my gastrointestinal symptoms come back. I feel bloated, gasy and crampy. It also brings on some weird general body aches and fatigue. I am sure it has to do with adoptation period but psychosomatic can not be ruled out as well. I am still on with my medifast shakes plan, however not the way it was supposed to be. There are still plenty of food from Medifast left so I will continue to incorporate them into the low carb plan. On a personal note, I sold my 2010 Lexus and put them money into the mortgage. I leased a new 2011 Nissan JUke small SUV. I absolutely love it but it is very small. All my freinds made fun of me that I llok like stuffed potato in there. i feel quite ok except the seat. The front driver seat is kind of small for my big behind and I do get a bit uncomftable. However if positive reinforcement seems not to be good for me may be negative reinforcement will. If I gain more weight my ass will be hanging out of the car and that is illegal I think, lol. So I have to keep my weight moving downward and get rid of all those extra cushioning and I will!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Kind of cruising alone on a semi-strict lower carb somewhat plan that seems to kind of give me a relative sort of break from compulsively obsessing about being perfect in a worll full of imperfection. I need to blog more often, but lately I have been stressed out, sleep deprived, sex- what????? somebody said sex, whats that? and on top of that all very drained emotionally. I need a vacation, a woman-girlfreind but I ll settle for just a woman, lol, not really I want a girlfriend and a companiona and a friend but I am too stubborn, too picky, too time deprived too old and too insecure. So I just need to work on getting my life on some kind of make sense route. Ok, that was a short blog. I will do a better job next time. Weight wise I lost a couple of pounds. So now I am at about 276 pounds ,thats a total loss of about 9-10 pounds in a few months. I ll take it. Hope you guys are doing better then I am.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Are we there yet?!

Sometimes I wonder how my brain really works, really?! I promised not to obsess with Medifast and try to follow it to a perfection. Why? Because it doesnt work for me! Its an excellent program but stress x two jobs x insane hunger patche at night x emotional demons= Medifast in a toilet! So what do I do? Do I finally admit to myself that I am a mature adult and not a stubborn teen who cant think rationally and rather thinks emotionally? No, I try and try and try again and again and again thinking this time is going to be different! And is it? Off course not, because insanity is a mentally retarded cousin of common sense. And I must be insane! I cant go on doing same things to only fail times and time again thinking I can and I will. I cant and I wont, at least for now, at least not in this physiologically and metabolically compromises shape I put my body in.

So I solemnly swear:

1. Not to weigh myself until March 31
2. Continue to eat Medifast meals but supplement it with unlimitted amount of low carb foods, preferably lean and green version
3. Blog more often

Weight= 281.5 pounds

Today I ate:

5 medifast meals= 550 cals: 75 grams protein and 6070 grams of carb minus 20 grams of fiber
10 oz or so grilled chicken with

Monday, February 28, 2011

A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.

Past is history, future is mystery and today is a gift therefore we call it The Present! I dont know who said it but it is so wise and true. Well.... in my case I hope its true. I would never keep this blog going if I wasnt true to myself. I cant lie here. If for any other reasond then keeping a journal of my past failures. I had a bad weekend diet wise. Completely lost site of my weaknesses and let myself go indulging in horrific food choices. I cant dwell on it. Today is today and I am restarting my ever so long journey to health and fat loss. I am huuuuuuungry now even as I type this entry. However it is an amazing thing to be able to contain it during day time and totally succumb to it at home at night. There has to be an explantation as far as will power being there during the day and going on vacation during the night. Anyway, i decided to recommit to Medifast..agaaaaaain. I know, i know that insanity definition was taken from my life. But something tells me I can still do it. I will tweak it a bit off course along the way if I need to, but I still wanna see if I can do it right at least for a week. May be I really cant, may be i can but not now when I am so stressed at times and overwhelmed with many things including my mom's declining health and middle age crisis kind of thing. But I still believe..... I still believe in myself and despite all my past failures on many fronts I still know the final battle hasnt been lost yet. I gained weight during this past few days and now weigh 281.5 pounds.

Weight= 281.5 pounds

Today's food:

1. Medifast pomegrante whey shake= 90 calories
2. Medifat blueberry oatmeal= 110 calories
3. Medifast apple cinammon oatmeal= 110 cals
4. Medifast chocolate crunch bar = 110 cals
5. Medifast chocolate pancake ( my favorite 0 = 110 cals

+ one lean and green meal 3 eggs and spinach with mushrooms with low carb salad dressing = 300 cals

Total cals= 930 cals ; protein= 95 grams ; carbs= 75 grams fiber= 22 net carbs=53 grams

2 teaspoond canola oil= 100 cals

Thursday, February 17, 2011

I got wii wii! Some good and bad news to share!

I did go to the BJ and bought me a Wii console with wii fit plus package. I am not much of a video game person at all but this thing is really really cool. I played lots of sports and I loved baseball and boxing. Funny thing happened last night/this morning. I played boxing with wii for about 6 minutes. I had a good time and the second I won the opponent got better and quicker and I really had to bounce and jab and dunk and hit and hit hard to win. After I did beat the guy down I was tired. Next day I felt this weird stiffness/pain in my back and shoulders. It was not pleasnat at all. I kept thinking in my head where I could have possibly hurt my back. finally after giving it some thought I attributed it to my laryngitis / cold I had been fighting with for about three weeks. Later that day a friend of mine called me on a phone. He is a licensed physically therapist. during our brief conversation I described my weird pain to him. He asked me if I was doing any physically activities prior or lifted anything heavy and I responded no. I totally dismissed Wii as a possible cause of my pain. After few minutes of interrogation I did recall my wii experience and told him about when all of a sudden I realized it. Yes, it was! So now I am a total believer! Wii does get your body moving and its awesome if one applies him or herself. This morning I was playing baseball and tennis and I loved it. Baseball totally rocks. I kept swinging the bat away for 20 minutes and i was totally out of breath. And to top it off I connected my Wii fitness plus board and did a few run/laps with an imaginary buddy dog. I was cooked in a few minutes of running in place. And it has a cool function called fitness bank credit where it gives fitness credit for exercising every day. How cool is that?!

As far as my diet goes the news is not good. Even though I do follow medifast during the day I cant seem to keep it going during the night hours at home. But I still managed to lose a few pounds even after eating everything during night hours. I was suprised. But I must get more discipline keeping the plan as it is meant to be. It is too expensive to just use it sporadically so hopefully I will concur the way to be more strict. I will still eat five medifast meals but instead of coming home and pig out I will stick to just liberal amount of low carb food. this way its a win win situation since Medifast is a low carb plan and gets you in ketosis. So being in ketosis and eating turkish bread fried in coconut oil with melted grilled cheese with a glass of milk at night isnt really smart is it?! Well hopefully I will mend that.

Weight= 276 pounds ( 4 pounds loss in three weeks or so)

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

You wii, I wii, we all wii for some good memory!

I think my blog journey migh have come to the end. I had managed to lose all my supporters, lol. And whos fault is that? Mine! I had a wonderful time bloggin in here and having found good people who are like minded in many ways and share my struggles with weight. I will still update it here and there so if you are still around, check it out periodically! Thank you for being there and rooting me on!

Update! Weight= 280 pounds I havent gained at least, lol!

Since Monday I am back on semi-medified Medifast plan. So far so good! I am eating five medifast meals and as much as protein as I feel like it. this change alone brought some very needed sanity. Instead of being obsessive about eating an extra bite of protein I decided to liberate myself from feeling guilty and eat as much protein as needed. I will however stay on plan as far as carbs. One major change for me that will in no doubt be challenging will be weighting only once a month! Period! My biggest detractor and weight loss hinder is scale. I am done, so done with weighting every day or even once a week. I simply will do my best and weigh once a month so this way even if I cheat or get offit will be easier to just dust off and start over. I must not let scale subotage my effort. We ll see how it goes.

Another thing I am contemplating is getting Nintendo Wii console with fitness plus . It looks like many people are overly excited about it and many even swear by it. Speaking of a game console have you checked out a new xbox 360 kinect console. Its awesome. And I am not even a big game person. But the new technology that Microsoft incorporated into new Xbox kinect is simply speechless. Its a combination of two video cameras and fourty sensor that scan your whole body allowing you becomeing a controller. And when you play games or do Biggest Looser game your whole body is involved instead of just using controller. Its awesome, but costs a little more then Wii and for my purposes might be simply unneccessary. But its cool. And it takes pictures of you while you dont expecxt it and saves them. It really is amazing.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

New update!

I have been sick with a bad case of cold/bronchiati for the past week. So naturally my appetite wasnt there and I decided to use it to my advantage. So I gave a MEdifast one more good , old try. Sicne I have $500 worht of food, why not? First three days were a breezer, I even had to force myself to eat. And I lost about 6 pounds in the process. But today, thursday was much tougher. Thursdays are always a killer for me. But today I did something I hadnt been able to do for the looooooongest time and that is to manage cheating a bit without resorting to a guilt/binging all or nothing technique that soem of you might be familiar with. I did cheat today here and there. I ate tai chicken with grilled vegetables which in itself isnt bad, but I ate a ton of it. And later today I ate one samll yogurt because I was craving sweets. However I stopped myself from any further damage by breathing in and out and using reasoning instead of instant gratification. Was I pissed? Yes! I was inititally! After all I wanted to do a whole week without cheating. But a bit of cheating is much different from a looooooot of cheating, wouldnt you agree? So I still consider it a victory, a small one! I decided to update my progress weekly if there are any. I am still not certain what plan I will embark on. I think it might be a combination of Medifast and other low carb foods as needed.

Current weight= 280 pounds ( 5 pounds lost ) first time in many months!

Friday, January 14, 2011

Ok, my dear and valuable friends if I have any left, this is my plan!

If I listed all my plans and challenges and failures I would have to spend a day doing it. But this is not about my past failures, this post is about moving forward. In not so recent past I bought a lot of Medifast packages and I still have about $500 worth. I contemplated on attempting to do full version of Medifast agaaaaain but given my success record I am putting a stop to it. Its mind verses heart kind of deal. My heart still want to concur it but my mind knows better. I am not ready for that drastic change of pace. But here is what I am ready to do:

1. Release about 120 pounds of blubber that is killing me
2. Start walking again
3. Stop obsessing over being perfect since nothing about me is and that is not exactly a bad thing.
4. Get some kind of stress relief coping mechanism to prevent me from emotional eating
5. Keep a blog or journal on more consistent basis.

Here is the nutritional plan.

1. Alternate between Medifast semi-fasting day and an unlimitted paleo day to follow.
2. On down day, eat five Medifast meals
3. On up days eat unlimitted amount of fish, lean meats, vegetables, fruits and low fat dairy
4. On up days eat moderate amount of bitter chocolate, cheese and nuts if needed.
5. No bread, no grains and no porcessed carbs on up days.

That is it in a nutshell. My curernt weight= 284 pounds.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

New Year, same experiences!

Today is January 11, 2011 and I am still struggling to get back on either low carb or some sane, healthy plan. At times I seem to have grabbed bull by its strong horns to only see this ugly bull come back. Overall I havent gained any more weight and still somewhat at 280 sh pounds. But it is totally a bummer. I need to get fit and release at least 100 pounds of ugly, visceral fat from my organs. I feel its suffocating me. But every time I do go on some kind of sane plan my body sabotages my effort. My IBS/some nasty gastrointestinal/near fainit/heart palpitations are back and it totally screws me up. I know I am the only one to blame as I literally poisoned my body for so long. However, I hope I am still capable of changes. I need it. I need to regain control about my eating and make a livable lifestyle nutritional plan I can live with. And I also need to find whats ailing me. I start having stronger and stronger suspicion it is indeed IBS and anxiety caused by abise, negligence and postponing healthy living until Tomorrow, New Year or some other dates. I must stop crazy obsesssion with scale and with perfection. Every time I follow a plan, it has to be perfect and if its not I just snap and eat like a pig becoming primitive reptile whos only purpose is instant gratification and a full stomack. Damn, I so crave the day when I will stop this all or nothing behavior and just eat to live and the other way around. Its been way overdue!