Saturday, October 24, 2009

To be or not to be, that is the question of the day!

I am officially diagnosing myself as a certified, bonified stubborn and unstable screw! Its not all in order in the main lobby of my house. It seither that or I am going through a premature mid-life crisis! But then again whats normal, is there such a thing? I once saw a program on public TV called ''magnificent mind" and the host said that there is no normal as far as our brains are concerned and its all relative and a matter of balanced brain. So now I know my brain is certainly not balanced! There is a town in Minnesota called Normal. So the host informed the audience that thats where Normal people live. And I loved his joke when he said that it was for the first time when he really met and talked to Normal women. that was funny! Ok, so why do I feel the way I do? Ok, for many reasons. For one I keep saying one thing and do another. But that would be least of my troubles. I keep insanely making same moves expecting different results! And that is my friends a definition of.... welll you know the rest of the statement. I went back to normal low carb living after experiencing all those dreadful symptoms being on protein shakes for a 10 days. And being back on low carb with no clear boundaries and elevated level of stress invited chaos. Chaos as far as calories are concerned. i kept eating and eating and eating. Especially at night, and my hunger was at all times high. And boom 5 pounds gained in a week. So now I am back to sqaure one. But at least my symptoms went away and I did feel much better. So it was something in those shakes that completely disagreed with my digestive track. But it made me loose weight quick and it kept me in check as far as hunger and boundaries! So driving back home I was contemplating on going back on protein shakes for at least two weeks and complete the damn 14 days without stopping at 10. Even though i did give it my best and accoomplished a lot in those 10 days, i still didnt finish it. I did have an excuse though. i felt horrible being on that plan. But still in my inflamed mind i wanted to go back and do it one more time, last time 14 days uniterrupted. But what about those nagging, debilitating symptoms said i in my head? oh well it might be different this tiem around. May be i will add magnesium and it will go away I kept justifying, or may be I will use eggwhite instead of whey, or may be just may be i will meditate and see if it was my anxiety triggered my some weak gastric reactions. But THEN it HIT me! I thought of my friend HARRY! it has almost been a year since I started blogging. it is scary to think it passed so fast. And it was almost a year ago that I, Harry, sadekat and few others accepted a challenge of creating a meny blog. Much happened sinc last year for me and i am sure for others. Some good news some bad, some horrible, but hey thats life. My Mom had fallend ill to the cancer that came back after 1o years and it did so with a vengence to a tune of much distress for the whole family especially me. It hit me especially hard. My mother has always been my security blanket and my best friend. She is truly an amazing woman, a one of a kind and to see her suffering being weak and hopeless totally crushed me on many levels. I know its life and i kept saying all the right things in my head but it still didnt make it any better. And the fact that all my relationships were fruitless and i am still single when all my siblings are married with kids. It made me insecure, fearful and fragile, more so than ever. there were days when i cried even though I didnt feel like it. i guess it was so much stress in my body that tears just kept rolling down. I have always thought of myself as a fighter until this year. it only proves that any human no matter how strong we think we are need help at times. Oh, wow did i drift away from my diet plan!!!I guess words are just jumping out and it is kind of brain storm. I didnt mean to make it that way in the beginning. But thats what beautiful about blogging. You can get carried away without people judging you or calling you name. Ok, i feel better now. so back to Harry. Harry, if you are reading this post and got this far, i want to know that you are my role model of the low carb world! I never liked to put people on the pedestal or use role models but you are an exception! in the last year you have been an epitomy of stability and balance. I have never met you personally but as far as your diet is concerned it is an example to follow. You have never waivered to fast phases never attempted silly only shakes diet. All you did was being consistent and eat wholesome low carb food to satisfaction and for that my friend I nominate you as a CHAMP! You should be a true leader of the low carb world! If it was up to me you would be heard and watched and followed. You have never criticised, never judged, never stooped to a level of unconstructive criticism. You simply led by example! And that is my friend a leader of the highest order. There are many low carb celebrities in the community. And i am grateful to all of them but i hope against all hope that one day you will pick up a torch and get a much wider audience! So for the next year or so this is going to be my challenge: Stop the insanity and follow an example of one man out there who did it in a way that all of us should have doen all along and that is natural, low carb wholesome food! But for now i will still do it my way, lol, even if it means insanity! So i am amrching forward with another attempt to concur 2 weeks of protein shakes and one meal! i will give it one more green light before I officially throw in a towel. But if i fail all i have to look forward to is the light at the end of the tunnel where my friend Harry will be waiting with a lid torch! i am not going to spell check this post and leave iit as is, becuase where it came from needs no correction! if you made this far you are either insane or a true caring person! thank you for reading, that is still reading, lol after all my failures!

Monday, October 19, 2009

I feel like a giant today! NY Giant that is, beat up and not loved!

I dont like those days when sleep deprivationbecomes life deprivation! Today was one of those days. Lately, I havent felt right at all. I dont know whats ailing me? Is it stress? May be! Is it some kind of anxiety disorder? Possibly! Is it fibromyalgia? Ok, why not? Is it IBS? Who is to say? Is it lack of meaningful relationship and therefore lack of meaningful sexual life? lol, ok, may be not this one! So what in the world of Vadim's universe is it???????? Once my spiritual teacher told me that the most expensive things in life are mistakes? I couldnt get it then, I was too young, too cocky and too naive. I get it now. May be years of smoking and careless living was a mistake? You say! Aha, dude, you are a genius! I think it is my body telling me something but I cant pick it up and neither can doctors! But it could be a good thing. At times an absense of news is a good news. So may be, just may be iits a good thing that doctors dont know. But it bothers me to feel this way for a long time now and have no answers. But i am not giving up!!!!! Or no, too stubborn for that. So forward we march again! As far as my diet is comncerned, I have been somewhat of a good boy, suprisingly! I have been low carb except few occasions when I ate a bit of watermelong, but thats all. What I started enjoying a lot lately is my nightly ice cream! Yes, you heard me right, ice cream! I love ice cream, love it, love it, love it! But it is homemade low carb one. I make it out of protein shake and freeze it. Two hours beofre I get home my mom takes out of the freezer and when I hit home at around 1 am its semi-melted. I put chopped walnuts on it, some berries and whalooo, awesome! I think its just as awesome as having sex by myself! Oh, did I just say that? Ok, its awesome! I mix it with MRM strawbery-banana whey with half a can of cocnut milk and frozen strawberries plus a bit of heavy cream and stevia! It is goooooooood! And it has become my nightly treat. I actually look forward to it every day, havent yet gotten tired of it. As far as other things in my life, not much news which again could be a blessing! My Mom is still very weak and suffering a lot. But as long as God gives her strenght to go on, we will beat this thing called cancer. Its stubborn but so are we. Ok, thats about it in a nutshell!

One last thing, for anyone who wants to know what today felt like symtoms wise and otherwise here it is:

5 hours of sleep

pin and needle pain all over my extremeties
bloated stomach
IBS kind of symptoms which went away with poop

I will start blogging about my diet soon! thanks for reading!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Shake, shake, shake! What am I going to do with you!

I am still contemplating the direction of my nutrition journey at this moment. I mean its pretty straightforward as a long term goal. My long term goal is to eat low carb mediterenean lifestyle, that is plenty of fish, vegetables, nuts and seeds, olive oil, low carb berries and some dairy in the form of cottage cheese. I have never been much of a meat person or milk drinker or cheese enthusiast. I completely dont care for red meat. Dont get me wrong, I do enjoy a nice, juicy meat steak once in a while, but it is very once in a while. I mostly eat fowl when i crave meat. But for the time being I am going to implement all of the above plus one or two shake here or there. I bought an insane amount of whey and eggwhite protein powders. I do love protein shakes as well. So at this moment I will just play mix and match to see if my symptoms will subside or go away. Thats the plan!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

My 6 weeks cure has ended its journey!

Despite my premature departure form the plan, I had accomplished plenty. I did manage to survive a week on it without much cheating so thats a huge moral victory for me. I attempted to do many, many times with no or very little success. But this time it was a big deal. Unfortunately my symptoms preclude me from continuing on and I must find out whats ailing me. My symptoms are now getting me very annoyed. They range from stomach spasms, relieved by moving bowel to pin and needles pain thorughout the body which is also relieved by bowel movements and general sense of lethargy which is also removed partially by bowel movement. I have no idea whats causing it, but drinking protein shakes makes it absolutely worth. It might be few things including my reccuring anxiety, IBS or some kind of inflammation. I dont know. But it surely is nasty. Thank you all for continued support and words of encouragement.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Time out! I am taking time off to see if my symptoms are direct hit from the shakes!

I have had quite unexpected and pretty debilitating symptoms for at least 4 days now ranging from cramps to constipation to lethargy. I have decided to take a break for at least few days and see if it was the shakes. So far last night and today my symptoms totally went away and I ate a lot of different things including carbs. And I had not symptoms as of yet. I had lots of meat with avocado and side slad, 3 beef hot dogs with 2 eggs and slad and 1 slice of pizza. I also ate some nuts at dinner time. I did however have one shake after the work out. I am restarting the shake week 2 on Sunday and this time I will use egg white protein instead of whey or at least mix it up with mostly egg white variety to see if my symptoms do go away. i believe more and more it is IBS and for some strange reasons all this amount of whey protein excaserbates it. I will keep you posted on what happens!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Day 7 and I am pooped out!

Last night was the official week 1 ! I did however celebrate it by going off plan and eat, eat and eat. I had 1 blintz with sweet cheese from france and that little sucker has 15 carbs and its small! I also had lots of avocado and 1 vegetable burger with side slad. that was late at night in addition to all the shakes and one meal I had earlier in a day. But I did work out with weights and felt a bit hungry, more so than usual. I was contemplating if I should go on to the second week doing this 3 shakes and one meal plan. For the past 4 days I have had strange and debilitating intestinal issues. I have had intestinal spasms, poop with mucosa, joint pain and general feeling of being unwell, especially in the afternoon or right before going to the bathroom. Its very difficult to digress and decipher whats causing all of it. But I decided to go on to week 2. I will, however, tweak a few things. I will start mixing up my whey protein with egg protein, number one. I will also add on more vegetables or some kind of fiber in the form of flax or something else to my shakes. Thats the plan. I am clinging to the notion more and more that all of it could be ralated to Irritable Bowel Sundrome and Stress and Anxiety. But marching on towards second week!

Oh my God, I totally forgot. I did lose a total......drum beat please.........

8 pounds in week 1! I think its really good considering I did cheat few times. Once with vodka shots at my friend's circumcision and last night.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Day 6 and my poop!

Be warned, this post contains some graphic depiction of reality in this blogger day to day life!

Ok, day 6 was more challenging than other days. I started having more and more abdominal cramps, loose stools and distended stomack. My poop was not coming with ease at all and when I accidently looked at it I noticed something rather unusual. My poop was full of some sticky yellowish glue like phlegm. It was alarming. I decided to read up on it and found out it could be anything from bacterail infection to infectious colitis to IBS which I might have had for a year now due to stress and anxiety. I decided to wait a day to see if it was just for a day. But it happened again, some strange fragments of jelly like yellowish mucosa attached to my poop. Now I am concerned. But as of this eveneing it seems to be subsiding as my poop is getting larger. So it may be due to some inflammation. However, I will have it checked to make sure. As far as my diet goes, I am starting to have other health issues along with stomack cramps. My anxiety seems to be getting worth and I am feeling lethargic in general. I am not sure if its my diet causing cramps and other symptoms or my anixety due to everything going on in my life. Nevertheless I am pressing on and so far had been able to complete a week of the plan. Thats a huge moral vicotry for me since I failed to do shake plan for at least 7 times and the most I ever lasted was 5 days or so. So week one is done and over with. I am not sure if i should go on with a second week or just pull the plug. I am just not feeling well at all! And my stomack is simply bothering me too much. I shall see. i may just hang in there for another week to finish it!

This is what I ate for day 6:

12 pm- power up shake

4 pm- power up shake

8 pm- 2 0z of mixed lamb and chicken, 3 oz of chevre cheese, 2 eggs, side salad 4 oz of swiss cheese( I did go overboard with cheese tonight, but I did it consciously and didnt feel bad about it, I really wanted some cheese)

12 am- power up shake

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Day 5! Good news and bad news! I guess this is the new trend now for me.

Heeeeeeeeeeelo wonderful readers of my English as second language blog! First, let me thank all of you for being there for me. Some I got to know a bit better than others, but I thank you all for your support, advices and comments. God willing I shall soon start videoblogging as I promised so many times. But for now this is all I have time for. My Mom is doing better and they did find a dangerous bacteria in her colon called Chlostrodium Fe something. It is very prevalent amongst antibiotic users and can overgrow causing infectious colitis and severe pain, diahrea and bunc of other symptoms. But good news is that they did find it, which can be a challenge at times and are treating it. So hopefully it will be killed and my Mom can restart chemo. But bad news is that her oncologist will have to delay her chemo treatment for at least two weeks until that nasty bacteria is murdered. At times this nasty bacteria gets so stubborn that it takes long time to get it down and that would be a very bad situation. But I did talk to it and told this bacteria that it needs to leave, and lol, so far it listened to me. It must be a male, because female people or female pets or female anything are not that compliant when it comes to me. But with male its simple. I told that bacteria yopu either live or it will get ugly buddy. And it just started to leave. But all jokes aside, I pray that it is killed very soon.

On a separate note, I am still pressing on with my shaky plan. It is getting progressively difficult to continue though. I dont know if its psychological or what but I started developing bloating, distended stomach, gas and tachycardia from drinking shakes. I even have mild diarrhea and cramps. I am not sure if it is so much protein and whey that I might be reacting to or may be something in a protein poweder. For now I am pushing ahead and will try to twitch it here or there to find a middle ground where I can be ok healthwise. But at this point I am starting to believe that it might be anxiety attacks triggering stomack distress. Before I thought it was stomach issues triggering anxiety attacks but may be not so. I have always been a hyper person but at this time additional stress in my life just releases way too much adrenalin causing all kinds of symptoms. At times I literally feel like bouncing off the wall with energy. It feels like a billion of massueses tickling my every cell and at times I feel like passing out with very fast heart rate, weak legs, sweatiness and lightheadeness. Ok, enough talking about anxiety and my shady brain. I am sure its not a very appetizing subject. So moving on to what I ate yesterday, here we go again:

12 pm- Power up shake

2 pm- 4 oz of mixed lamb, chicken and 2 oz of chevre cheese with 2 TBS of avocado and 1 tablespoon of butter with side salad of cucumber and tomatoes.

8 pm- Power up berry shake

11 pm- Power up shake

2 rollaids and 1 GasX pill. I was shocked to find out that every anit-gas medication or pill had either dextrose or starch in it. I was unable to find anything without it. So I took few with it. I know it is not the optimum way but I needed it. Plus I am still amazed that a but deviation doesnt screw me over as it used to. Being a bit of COD it is truly a miracle or may be I am indeed growing up! So I think a miracle would be more believable as all my ex-gfriends would have said. It is what it is as my friend Bush junior used to say! Thanks for reading!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Day 4 and circumcision!

Day 4 was quite tiring, adventurous and tiring. I had to juggle my day between going to the hospital, food shopping and circumcision ceremony for my best friends new born son. I made my shakes with a new protein powder called Myofusion that I bought from netrition. It was quite good but contained a bit more carbs than other brands so I skipped on frozen berries. I did make a mistake and mixed my shakes with few spoons of cacao. I am starting to believe I am allergic to cacao. And I totally forgot that cacao is not allowed on first two weeks of the plan. Oh well! I made a boobooo. But instead of panicking and blowing the diet altogether as I might have done previously I just continued through my day. I think something amazing has been happening so far. I am not a perfectionist on this plan/ Before I would just be so pissed even going off a bit, but now I totally changed my way at least for now. Later in a day I went to observe my best friends son circumcision ceremony and witnessed both of my best friends crying hysterically. It was very emotional for them letting a stranger coming in the house and cause pain to the baby. So 10 minutes into the ceremony I started having stomack cramps and kind of burning sensation throughout my body. Soon after my heart rate was up in the 150 range and I started sweating profusely. I had experienced it before and tried to calm myself down. I knew it was partially a panic attack. I dont know what precipitates what, is it my IBS symptoms triggering panic attack or the other way around. But soon after it subsided, thanks God. If any of you guys ever experienced panic attack in the midst of 100 people in the room with no room to escape, it is not a good feeling. The ceremony was in the living room and the only way I could have escaped was to ask the Rabbi move the baby and the table for me to go outside. oops, wouldn't that be something! So I had to collect myself even though it is extreamly hard. When my body panics I have racing thoughts of impendign doom and all I want to do is just move around not stay still. Staying still makes it always worth. But it did go away even though it was so unpleasant for at least 10 minutes or so. Once I was able to go outside I felt much, much better! I did have to cheat las night. I mean I could have said no but I didnt. It is an absolute must to drink wine at the end of the ceremony. So I did a little. Then I had to drink few shots of vodka to my friends health. If i said no. I would be beheaded, lol! Before it spiraled out of control I slipped out of the party. But my friend caught me. I did however leave and spared myself more troubles. So instead of feeling a sense of failure I felt proud. I said to myself " Yes, I did go off a bit today but instead of totally blowing it, I just made sure to continue from where I left off. Overall it was ok!

12 pm- Power up chocolate shake

4 pm- Power up chocolate shake

7 pm- 2 oz of turkey breast, 2 oz of cheese, 1 oz of butter, 2 oz of salami 2 small shots of vodka and a sip of wine

11 pm- Power up chocolate shake

10 glasses of water, multivitamins.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

A bit of an update! Day 3!

I was planning to do a video blog on my journey for the longest time, however now with my mom being sick and in the hospital I am really pressing for time. But with God's help and my resolve I will do it sooner than later. There is a good news, not very good news and potentially bad news. Good news I am still hanging tight on the 6 weeks cure plan and for me surviving it for 4 days is truly big! I might have deviated a bit here or there but overall I have been right on! Not so good news that my Mom has been admitting in the hospital and is in a lot of pain. They are trying to rule out bowel obstruction or bowel seperation. Even morphine is not that effective at this point. However her tumore shrunk a bit so thats good. Potentially it could be from a life threatening bacteria which the hospital is trying to rule out. Hopefully, it is not and its just a bad inflammation. But time will show! I have a question for all of you guys who might read this. What kind of protein are you using and why? I started reading up a lot of research on whey protein and there is mixed reviews on whey protein I am using. Mine is Isopure 0 carb whey isolate which I like despite lots of people saying it tastes nasty. I read that J Rob whey protein that Sadekat is using is the best, but it is soooooooooooooooo expensive. It supposedly uses BCG free milk from organic cows and is all natural. But it is so expensive it would destroy my budget. it literally 10 times more expensive than other brand. I dont know, I know its probably worth it. Anyway, here is what I ate last night which was day 3 technically!

12 pm- Very berry Power up shake

4 pm- Very verry Power up shake

8 pm- Very berry Power up shake

11 pm- 5 oz of smoked salmon, 2 oz of chevre cheese, 2 Tbs of avocado or 3, didnt measure it

Lots of water, about 12-16 cups! I dont have a lot of time playing with my shakes. i usually do the whole batch early in the morning, keep it in the thermos and sip it all day long. I usually mix it up with 1-1.5 cups of Blue Diamond Breeze Almond milk+ 2-4 oz of heavy cream+ 6 scoops of Isopure protein+ 1 Tbsp of flax seed oil or fish oil+ 2 cups of ice+ 1 cup of mixed frozen berries and whaloooooa thats it and I use that batch for the whole day!

Friday, October 2, 2009

Day 2, I wish it was 14!

I was managing well until later tonight. I am huuuuuuuuuungry. And I did exhuast my food supply for the day. I am planning to just bear with it. I dont want to get an additional food but if I really yhave to I will. It will be something very reasonable, like another protion of meat or hot dog. Better than feeling guilty and blow it all together. So far it has definitely been a challenge, no questions about it. But so far, so good! I will keep my fingers crossed and my devils at bay. I am still a big boy and I do work out with weights so it might be ok for me to add a little bit extra food in case of emergency hunger. And I dont think that is cheating. I asked dr Eades and he said it would be totally fine. But aghain I want to stick to the plan and just ride this thing through for two weeks. After all I had been planning to do it for almost a year now. And no success after so many tries. But for some reason I do believe I can do it now. Sadekat, I am still holding on. Its getting tighter but I am doing it. It reminds me of that Biggest Looser comptetition where they make stand on one leg and see who can do it the longest.So far so good!

12 pm- Strawberry Power up shake

4 pm- Blueberry Power up shake

10 pm- 3 eggs with 2 turkey hot dogs, 1 Tbsp avocado and 1/2 cup of sauteed mixed vegetable

12 am- Blueberry Power up shake

Ton of water! I am huuuuuuuuuuuungry!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Today seemed to be a culmination of the past few days. I have kept my feelings totally hidden and it totally backfired on me. I felt like a cooker pressure with the whole world comin in on me. Last night seeing my Mom in such an excruciating pain and not being able to do a damn thing about was simply killing me from inside out. At one point the world was to believed to be flat or held by four elephants. Well, since the beginning of my life my Mom was those four elephants. She has been my best friend, my source of inspiration and I love her so very much. I am totally unequipped when it comes to seeing her being so fragile and weak. She had always been such a strong woman, a total backbone of the whole family. I never considered myself a momy's boy and she didnt spoil me even though I am the youngest one. Yes she still does treat me as a baby, but what mom doesnt! And yes my dad always said I am still on my mom's breast, lol, but I disagree! I and my father never got along. I love him a lot but we never see eye to eye on anything. He ran away from his mom's house when he was 13 and has been on his own ever since. But times were different then, it was in the midst of World War 2 and hunger. So he is a total survivor, a total maverick. Last night I and him had an altercation and he called me a disappointment. I felt crushed! He said had I had a family now and kids my mom would have probably be more at peace! I ran out of the house and for the first time in two years felt like smoking again! But I didnt and damn proud of it! But all that I had spinnining in my head were the words of my father! I felt like I had failed not only him but my ex-girlfriend who aborted my kid blaming me for it, my mother for not being a better son, my job. I just wanted to disappear! I never felt more lonely in my life. I was angry at myself, at my dad, at god at the whole wide world! I had the biggest urge to just drive away in a far, far away and start my life from scratch. But I knew it wouldnt happen, and plus its very difficult to run away from oneself! So this morning, being sleep deprived and mentally drained I created a perfect storm where my body just gave up! But I am now prepared to finally see professional help. I cant deal with it alone. For the longest time I kept denying help and postponing it. Where I come from its considered a total sign of weakness and despair. But screw stupid stereotypes and prejudices, I am not a teenager any more even though I do act like one at times. Again, I want to thank you for your support and care in this difficult time. This is what happened today. I had a total nervous break down! But I still pushed on with the program and managed to do fine on day 1 of blogger vs blogger chgallenge/

My starting weight= 227 pounds! I will take measurements tomorrow! I also had a flue shot today, never had it before.

Here is what I ate:

1 pm- 3 boiled eggs with 3 hot dogs and small tomato

4 pm- blueberry power up shake

7 pm- blueberry power up shake

9 pm- power up shake

Lots of super green cranberry tea for Trader Joe which I happen to like a lot. It didnt list caffeine as ingredient even though it might have some. But its really good.