Thursday, March 18, 2010

Success is failure turned inside out! Wow, thats powerful!

I could nag and complain and cry and blame and analize and bitch and complain even more. I could play a victim or pretend to be who I am not. I could come up with a million of excuses for why instead of why not but in the end its all irrelevant. I have failed! I have failed to believe in myself when I believed in others, I have failed to love myslef when I loved others. I failed to follow through when I pushed others to do so. And the end result is weight gain, lower self-esteem and doubts. I owe IT to my body. I owe IT to all of my organs. I appologize to you all, my liver , my brain, my kidneys, my pancreas, my intestines and all others who I didnt mention. I am sorry for all the neglect, all the abuse and all the excuses. And now I owe them IT. IT is a simple yet powerful word and IT is RESPECT! I cant continue getting on and off low carb, I cant continue to use food as my security blanket or to drug myslef to sleep. Food is neither a friend nor an enemy. It is not, its a fuel and thats what is meant to be. I cant continue to fool myslef believing i can eat carbs in moderation or eat a balanced diet. There is no balanced diet for me at this moment or ice cream in moderation. Carbs are not my enemy, but they are my weakness. As alcohol is a weakness to an alcoholic, carb is a weakness to me who is a carboholic. I never pig out on steak and brocoli when I am sad. I never swallow chicken breast after chicken breat when I am lonely. I never crave a pound of butter when I am angry. There is a reason for it. And its called Nature. Nature selects food for us as fuel, MAN select food for us which is profit. And to make a profit food has to be both palatable and addictive. And more often than not it becomes un-naturalized. i know I made promises and broke challenges. I know ! But you were still there cheering me on. May be not many of you, may be just a few but it is not how many but how caring! I will be a fool to promise anything at this point or challenge myself to anything. So I quitely and respectfully look forward to a new beginning or to a new end depending how to look at it. I have been in a bad place called selfdestruction. It is a tempting place where cookies, Mcdonalds and all other crap reside. I pray to get out of there and I must. So with your help and God willing I will. I have to, it has been long overdue. Thanks for reading!


Harry/JP said...


How is your plan working out these days. I think there was a lot of wisdom in this post. I'm sorry I missed it when it was first posted.

I hope you're treating your organs and self in a kinder way these days. I know it's not easy. Rather, it's a process. You can get there. This isn't a pie-in-the-sky dream. It's attainable and you are capable of making it happen.

I believe in your ability to do so and I'll continue to root you on and wish you well.

My best to you and yours on this Easter day.

Vadim said...

Thank you so much! Sadly, I havent been doing good with my nutrtional choices. Not only did I fall off low carb but I completely regressed eating insane amounts of sugary snacks and other junk food. I am not sure if it was Zoloft I have been taking for my anxiety or else but sadly I gained way too much weight. I now weigh 255 pounds which is simply unacceptable. Howeverf all my symptoms were gone except occasional tachycardia. Today I am back on low carb and I am feeling ill again. I am not sure if its the transition from one lifestyle to another or lack of something else or overall induction process, who knows? I may tweak it and indeed try to stave off carbs more slowly. I will be back to blogging soon. Hope your Easter was good!