I want to share an email I sent one of my supervisors after having a verbal disagreement with her at work. I got emotuional since she kept telling me I dont respect women. And this is an email I sent her. As far as my medifast goes, I slipped again. But I still managed to eat semi-helathy low carb with a few more rasberries than I would have wanted. But all in all it wasnt that bad!
Meg, thank you for your response. I am sorry it took me this long to get back to you. I had a revelation today and I believe it might change my life for the better. When I read your response last night it made me stop and think hard and long! I think the key word in your email was the phrase for the 100 th time! Albert Einstein once famously defined insanity as doing same thing over and over and over expecting different outcome. Knowing I am not insane, it had to be something else that makes me stubborn and resistant to change. I took a long walk this morning before heading over to the medical comittee for my accident. And all I kept thinking was how come I am reluctant to do what I was told to do. And it hit me at that moment! It was an enlightment! All this time I was listening to you without hearing you. There is a big difference! i know I respect you, I know I know you are 100 times wiser than me when it comes to administrative tasks. So why am I not hearing you I kept asking it? And thats when it hit me. Was it that I do have a problem with women being in charge? I kept denying. No way, I said! I love women, I hold women in highest regard!!! I know you told me I do have a problem with women and I know I kept dismissing that notion with all my might. I even got defensive and upset when you mentioned it. And thats a clue right there. Whenver I get defensive and emotional about something it is a red flag that I might be afraid to admit my wrongs! Its kind of a defensive mechanism. But why do I need this mechanism? Why is it I cant just accept that I may not be adequate in certain areas and need improvement? And the more I kept analizing and scrutinizing it the more I understood that it was all about control. I was afraid to let a woman being in control. It was on subconscious level. Consciously I was denying it, but you cant deny subconscious mind. I remember back in my psychology class I was told tha every time you want to check whats on your subconscious mind all you have to do is to just suspend thinking process. In other words just shut off logic and let your mind come up with the first thing once given a word. Its called association or free floating exercise. So I found a quite place under a tree, took a deep breath and suspended my logic and thinking. I let it go trusting this exercise without having fear what would come out of it. But little did I know it was going to lead to revelation! After sitting quitely and finding my balanced breath, i knew I was ready to go. So I said the word: Women! What came next was amazing. These were the words that kept coming to my head: sex, annoying, demanding, elephant memory, party poopers, anal about little things making elephant out of a fly, shopping, money, emotional, controlling, jeolous! Then I thought of words that I associate with word " Man" and here are the words that came up; fun, sport, beer, letting go, friends, loyalty, fun, fun, fun, fun! Oh my God I said! There was not one flattering thing I could come up with about women! But how can it possibly be when I hold women in such a high esteem? So at that moment I knew and accepted the fact that You were right! i do have issues with women being in any kind of control and that obviously means women in supervising position. It wasnt easy to realize but it was true. I know its still on sub level but it needs to be destroyed. I need to destroy that line of thinking and being aware of it and admitting it is the first step in the right direction! Thats where the constant need to be right in arguing with women was born, in my subconscious mind shaped none other than my culture and upbringing. I was taught in early age by my cultural values that being a Man means being in constant control. It also means being tough and hold your emotions in check. It means a Man is not to cry ever! A man is not let women control him ever! And so on and so on! So on one hand I was by nature nurturing my sensitive side and inate need for justice and equality and on the other I was feeding my sub evil mind keeping steretypical opinios going about women! Thats why I was laughing like an idiot while watching Titanic when everyone was crying! How could I cry, I am a man! It was a stupid defensive mechanism at work. Sure I wanted to cry, i wanted to cry like I never wanted before. But I couldnt let my ex-gfriend see that. All these years I kept being in denial and more than anything in denial of being who I am! I am not a bigot! I am not insensitive. I dont believe a woman cant be in control! I do believe that emancipation was the best thing ever in history of mankind. I do believe women are stronger emotionally than men. I do believe women are loving, nurturing and caring. Not all, not all the time, but most, and most of the time. Once a French psychiatrist famously siad" Give me a child young enough and I will make anything you want out of him or her! " It is true, we are priducts of our childhood and environment, or at least it has a lot to do with it! I know I am getting out of hand writing this email, but it was important for me to do so. I am not even going to spell check it becuase if I go back and edit it, I will delete the whole thing. And may be it would be a wise thing, lol, but I wanted to write it all out.
I remember once I took my ex-girlfriend to the movies. We used to always fight when going to the movies. We were different about everything, even when it came to movies. We never saw eye to eye, God how did it last as long as I did? Amazing, I must be an angel, lol!!! So one rainy night we went out to see a movie. She insisted on seing some idiotic, senseless drama that I had no intrest in. At least it was senseless and idiotic in my humble opinion. I was like, listen lady life is drama enough and I dont want to be exposed to it in the movies while paying a fortune for both of us. So why dont we do the next best thing and just split the fun?! You go see your drama and waste my money and I will go see my comedy! She kept lecturing me on how it is important for a couple to go together. I wasnt having any of it. But finally I realized I was going to pay for it later! She was in a great mood and wanted to continue the romantic evening at her place. So I abruptly stopped fighting and said, you know what lets go see your wonderful drama while thinking lets go see your wasteful crap for you and later reward for me! All of a sudden she hugged and kissed me saying how wonderful and sensitive I really am. Then out of a blue she started bringing up a fight we once had in November 1435 at 2 am when it was raining outside and the blind man was walking his dog. Dont you remember you said something hurtful and made me feel like shit while never appologizing for it?! First, I was like are you for real my love? How can I remember something that happened last decade when I barely remember what color of underwear I put on this morning? But it was leading nowhere good for me so I being a gentleman decided to appologize for it. She hugged me again and said" But do you now remember what you are appologizing for? I said not reallly and she became upset saying I was acting immature and shouldnt appologize when I dont mean it. I lost control and yelled at her saying, listen all I want is to go see my comedy, enjoy it, say a few good compliments to you , get invited to your place, drink a few beer and have a passionate moment in bed. Then I want to peacefully retire to sleep. Thats what I really want and I wont be appologizing for it. Needless to say it led me nowhere that night except home alone in my bed!!! I knew then that women and men are just two different species. I called her this morning and we had a nice chat. I asked her if she believed I was afraid to let a woman being in control? She didnt take a second and said You think???? I said ' can you elobarate? She was more than happy to do so! she asked me if I ever held a women' hand in public? I said no, thats not manly! She asked me if I was ever comftable hugging a woman , I said no! And then she asked me a question that summoned up the whole conversation. She asked me if I ever let the woman be on top???? Thats when the revelation hit me! I am sorry for TMI but in four years of our relationships that was the biggest challenge for he. I never ever in my adult life let a woman be on top. That was a taboo! No matter what she did, it wasnt happening even if it meant going home along and hit a cold bed! Thats how I knew i have a problem. So I will not work on it hard. I will let a woman being on top and who knows, may be, just may be I will realize its not so bad!!!
Meg, the table tennis was a bad example. No, they are fine. It was just about me exaggerating. The stage was all cleared up. I was talking about the gym stage before Kristen came. We used to have few benches there that were broken. When I asked Ariel who told him to put it there, he mentioned Regina okeyd it. I suggested it wasnt the best diet since someone might stumble over it but she suggested it was neatly placed in the corner. it was later removed.