Saturday, June 5, 2010
As soon as I made first two baby steps forward I fell right off and rolled down the hill fast and furious right to where I started!
GRRRRRRRRRRRR! Its insanity! I fell off the medifast plan, regained all of the 5 pounds originally lost and wasted almost 300 dollars down the toilet! Whats wrong with me????? Ok, that might have been an obvious question. Well, this week was hard and I ended up sabotaging myself again. My best friends Mom passed away and it was tough to see her go so fast in such a dramatic fashion basically wasting away from cancer. But its called Life and there are many challenges in it that requires us to be strong and handle it with dignity and honor. Instead I chose to del with it in self loathing, overindulgence and lack of discipline. Way to go Vadim! And gthe funny thing is that Medifast was working and it wasnt that bad at all. I was losing weight, I wasnt hungry and it was so convenient. I cant say its the bestg way to eat but it works and it does retrains your brain to eat smaller meals more frequently. So for carb addicts like me it is exactly what I need. But as soon as I cheat even a bit, all hell breaks lose. One is too many, 100 is not enough. And no matter how much I try to stop that run away train it is not happening. For years it has been the same battle and viscious cycle of extremes, that is eaither ors! Eaither I am an invincible diet machine or I am a run away train without no breaks. And everything gets crushed in the process. My self-esteem, my confidence and my trst in my own word. I once was able to stick to my word! I want that Vadim back! I know I have emotional demons lurking all the time waiting for me to falter but I can and did manage them so whats holding me back nooooooooow????? Oh boy! Here we go again, same old same old! Excuses, excuses, excuses, blah blah blah! Off course I want to be loved and love back, off course I want to settle down and find the one and only, off course I want my Mom to get better and live to 179, off course I want to have faith in God so strong that death is nothing more than a transition towards something better to come! But am I destined to be fat until I settle and resolve all of my subconscious fears or can I deal with them seperately while being on a reasonable weight loss plan and taking control of my life. What is it?! To be continued!