Monday, September 20, 2010
You never know what a new tide will bring! A tide that came today!
Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur had all but zoomed by and even though I am not a religious person, I consider myself a spiritula guy. I know, I know for some its very confusing consept. But for me its not. If an allien descended on earth and you would have to explain to him why there are so many religions and how to chose a right one, it would not be simple. By the way an allien can also be a woman, lol, I just realized that! But for me its simple! Be kind, be forgiven, be compassionate and love the gift of life behaving in a such a way that you make this earth a better place or help those who need it as much as you can. I may not follow the scripture but I follow my heart and soul! I believe in human soul even though we may not see, feel or touch it. There is a anecdote about that. One cardiac surgeoun is arguing with a rabbi. He tells him, listen I have been operating on many humans and I am yet to see a soul there! On which another doctor, defending the rabbi sais: listen, I am a brain surgeon and have been operating on human brains all my life and I am yet to see a mind! So not to make it very deep or long, lol I just finished observing Yom Kippur which is considered the holiest day of the Jewish calendar year. Its a day of repentance a day on which God decides your fate for the following year. Many Jews greet each other by saying May you be entered in a book of Life" on this day. But for me its a day of fast, a day of spiritual observance. I usually think about my passed relatives who lived before me and this year i thought about few young people who passed at such a young age. On this day one is supposed to abstain from any food , water or work for a period of 25 hours. I have been observing this fast for many years now but this year given the circumstances and my inability to stick with any plan or eat sensible for more then few hours I had my doubts. But if anything else I wanted to see if I could stick to a plan given its meaning. Once I couldnt be selfish and satisfy my demons. Once it had to be about something bigger then myself or my excuses or my weaknesses. It was more then instant gratification or self-medication by food. It was simply a day of inner peace and tranquility a day of soul search and cleansing so to speak. And little did I know that it was going to be that easy. Yes, i did have occasional hunger panges but it was not even a thought in my mind to eat or drink. I did it and it was easy , a 25 hours fast without water or food! And the most important lesson I learnt once more is that its so much easier for me to serve or to stick to something for others then do it for myself. Or so I thought. The fast was over at 8 pm Saturday. I spent this day in deep Pocono mountains with my sister and my brother in law as well as my Mom and Dad. My Mom kept saying how enormously big I had become and my sister kept screaming at me every time I lifted my shirt saying I looked like a person on TV on that Biggest Loser show. When we finished fasting, everyone had a nice dinner by having BBQ chicken wings on an open fire. And I thought, ok this is the beginning of my new chapter a new life, one without resorting to junk food as my healing and emotional friend. But soon enough I found mysef weak for a peace of donught that my siter was eating and a sppon of ice cream that my father ate. And before I knew it, I was binging again! Ice cream, bagels with cream cheese, more ice cream, sandwithces with cheese followed by more ice cream. Next day my Mom was crying secretly on a couch. She had deteriated and lost so much weight that she doesnt look herself. Her chemo is not working and her extensive advanced tumor is now growing again. She has been through so much from chemo to chemo, from surgery to another surgery. From radiation tehrapy to more chemo. For the past year since she was diagnosed she has been in hell and back but through it all she remained the strongest and best woman I have ever seen. She remained a wife an mother and a freind. She still cooked even though I gave her hard times about it. She wanted my father who is sick himslef to be fed. So through all these trials and tribulations she kept her spirits up and her resolve strong. She never cried my Mom in open. But last night she was in so much pain that tears just rolled down her fragile body. I couldnt deal with it and broke down too. I love my mom so much and am not ready to lose her. She has been the backbone of our family and she has been my freind. Seing her so weak and hopeless made me vulnerable and at times too weak. I cant even imagine how much she suffers and how much she hates being in this condition. Some days she catn even make it out of bed! And she hates me gaining weight. She wants me to be fit and healthy! And there were so many times I pomised and swore to myself that I will do it , if not for myself then for my mom's sake. And the more I promises the more I failed, the more my self-esteem and my confidence shattered. I was simply a failure on so many levels at subconscious level. And the way I compensated was by eating and eating and eating and eating more! It wasnt that I was husngy. I was simply crying from inside out and junk food was a freind, even though we all know how dillusional that line of thinking is. So today is Monday and no more pormises. Its a new day, a new beginning. And now weighting at 270 pounds its a new challenge for my body. I am surrounded by so much of food every day and today was no exception. While I was munching on Medifast oatmeal and portein shake my coworkers were having chinese food left over from all these meeting we have here at then Student Life Departmetn I work for. The another meeting ended and there were pizza and chicken quazadia. Or how much I love that! But for one day I said no to all food except my own. And for one day I won. I dont know how long it will last or what tomorrow will bring but today and today only its a new tide and tomorrow is a new one and I dont know what it'll bring. But I pray it lasts, the tide that came today!