Dear blog!

Dear body of mine! I am deeply sorry for using you as an experiment and human trash machine. You did let me know on numerous occasions that you had enough but I refused to listen. And even after all this abuse you are still giving me a chance even though I feel I am running out of time and your patience threshold. Therefore I am really serious this time to do my ver best to treat you with respect and care that you so deserved over the years! I am really grateful to you for being so forgiven!

Dear God I made promise after promise to you and Mom that I kept breaking. I feel terrible about it. Please forgive me and give me strength to do what I know I need to do deep in my heart! Please save me from myself when I am on a wrong path and I need you more then ever! I know you create every human with purpose. I know that you don't create junk so I don't want to turn your creation into junk either. I ate tons and loads of junk over the years but with your guidance and Moms love I can do it!

Dear warriors, I thank you all for supporting me in my times of hardships and not giving up on me!

For the first time in a long time I managed to stay somewhat fully on plan yesterday! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaapy! I threw away my expensive Tanita scale. I mean I placed it visibly in the garbage so someone else may find a more productive use for it. I have wii that I will use from time to time to see where my weight is but I want other markers and most importunely my health to guide me in my journey as far as success goes. Thank you for being here!

I now weight 275 pounds! Horrible!

Yesterday I also found out that my unemployment application was denied which is a huge bummer given the market and amount of bills I have. Fortunately I will move in with my sister while renting my house to keep up with mortgage. It's tough but I wanna learn to cope with emotional pin by not abusing my body with junk. It doesn't help! Only gives you split minute instant gratification but then.......

For the first time in a very long time I was able to turn this bad news into something positive. Oh yeah, I felt weak and lost for a few minutes. Scared, off course. After all I do have an expensive new car lease, a mortgage and few credit cards payments that I must keep up with. I also need to pay for my dentis and health benefits. But I managed to collect myself and use the emotional pain of uncertainties and fear turn into a triumph of victory for at least one day. And if I can do it for one day, I can do it for two! And if I can do it for two I can keep on going until I do it daily in the name of health! It's worth much more then thenother alternative!

Ouch!

Ouch, ouch, ouch! I went to the dentist thi s morning at 11 and he was done with me at 2. he pulled the remaining of the tooth or more like q stubborn root and placed two implants. He was ruthless. I mean the tooth, dentist too by the way! I am in paaaaaaaaaain! And the lesson I learnt is to never ever ever see the YouTube video of how implants are done before the procedure. The dentist kept saying he never saw anyone receive so much anesthesia and still be in pain. He cut my gums with a blade...... Sorry girls! He gave me vicodin but I didn't take it. I hate meds. But I am taking antibiotics. On a positive note I can't eat for two days he said, lol. He said hard food though but I don't think I will eat anything. Just thinking about food makes me cringe. Is it true girls that tooth ache is wormy then pregnancy contraction? If so I don't think it's that bad, lol, at least it's manageable.. Ouch, ouch, ouch... What a he'll?! My pain again..... Ok, gotta go sleep it off. Later gang!

Did anyone notice I was gone?

Vadim Chernov
I am sad! I weighted in this morning and it's 260! I gained a whooping 14 pounds in two weeks by binging my way out of medifast. But I learnt few new lessons and I relearnt old ones.
First, I am going to go to the OA meetings. I am an addict and there is no other way to put it. I am addicted to carbs and for me one is too many 100 is not enough. When I get in that mood my brain seems to just turn into an addiction mode and it becomes a wild ride where I eat a ton of garbage and I eat until I physically can't any more.

So my plan is:
1. Accept that I have a compulsive overeating disorder and seek help for it
2. Stick with medifast and in case of crisis eat extra protein and extra snack or eat sunflower seeds so I can both stay in ketosis and satisfy that oral fixation.
3. Not to dwell on my weaknesses and fight them but instead work with my strength.
4. Start seriously incorporating journaling my feelings.
5. Never ever, ever, ever, ever think I can eat a piece of cookie or just an ice cream and stop there. I simply can't eat them at all! Just like a person with severe allergic reaction wouldn't eat something they are allergic to I must retrain my brain to accept that I am allergic to junk food and bad carbs. Period! End of story! I simply can't eat it!

6. Pray!
7. Drink more water!
8. Go to sleep before 11 pm!

So here is my plan moving forward so help me guys help myself and help me God be my best!
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Angry update!

I am angry, I will not allow my self-destructive twin to hold me prisoner any more! I just don't comprehend how easy it is for me to go back to my old ways once I am unhappy about something. I simply crumble like a cheap cookie and hide my emotions in junk food. It's not happening any more, at least for a while. I am on this weight loss crusade for my Mom who wanted to see me in shape. And if I can't do it for me I will do it for her. I seem to sabotage my efforts as soon as something goes against what I perceive should be the result. So without further damage this is my damage control plan:

1. Throw away my expensive scale. At least take the batteries out and stop weighing every day. I will do the same with my wii. Weigh in will only be done on a once a week basis.

2. Drink lots of water and not sugary diet iced tea.

3. Have all my medifast meals before 8 pm and have only lean protein with non-starch veggies after 8 pm.

4. Start some kind of physical activities after one full week of keto adaptation.

5. Stop reinventing wheels when I jump off the bandwagon so to speak. I tend to stop working the plan every time I go off the program. I will work the plan and continue on it even if and when I get off which happens from time to time.


I was doing quite well this week until I stepped on a wii scale Monday night and found out I was 6 pounds heavier then Sunday. And I followed the program that day. So instead of rationalizing the gain as simply water weight I decided to get frustrated and shove my face in a lot of carb loaded pita with cheese. It wouldn't be so bad but it continue the next day. I decided since I cheated and went off medifast the prudent thing to do was to fast for a day. And I did. But when I came back home after work I had this urge to peek at the scale to see if I lost all that extra weight form a night before. Instant gratification you know! And when I stepped on a scale it only showed a weight loss of two pounds and I was still four pounds or so heavier then on Sunday. So I did the next horrible thing I knew. I pigged out. And this time it was even worth then pita with cheese. I did feel a bit better afterwards, lol . But this morning I am bloated again and out of ketosis. And I weigh 257 pounds which is a net gain of five pounds since Sunday. I must reside my brain and change the way I look at things. It has been a loop long time coming. I am still ok with my efforts lately. After all I did manage to lose more then 20 pounds recently. But it's not enough. I must continue working the plan to get healthier and I am not exactly 25 any more to allow for these crazy fluctuations and body experiments. So starting today I am not weighing myself daily and will continue on medifast as best as I can and I know I am capable when I put my best efforts.

Update time!

Here is my poor attempt at starting a videoblog! I guess its a work in progress lol