Monday, January 30, 2012
Feeling blah!
Today was a so so day today as far as eating clean is concerned. I did eat relatively low carb but did end up overindulging on quest bars. Ate three of them in one sitting and that's on top of dinner of two eggs and a can of sardines with 1oz of nuts. Better day tomorrow!
Sunday, January 29, 2012
If I could select a movie title for my ever ongoing weight loss struggle what would it be?
Hmm, good question Vadim! So what is it? I think the best title for that movie would be Gone with the wind!!!
Every time the wind of change brings some challenging times into my life my weight and therefore my body start to suffer. For years I let my emotional demons, my insecurities and my worries dictate my choices. My choice of food, my choice of work, my choice of partners.
And if there was one thing I could change about myself it would be an ability to believe in myself and my Gods given abilities even when e storm of change comes around bringing winds of fear and unknown. My fat belly, my fat hips is not so much a result of overindulgence and love of junk food per say. It's the direct result of my inability to handle life's changes in a way that I would advice my friends to do. If I only treated myself and my own body as I would my friends or other people that I love and respect.
If I only could start honestly loving myself! After all I think I deserve it. If I honestly could describe the qualities I love about myself it would be a very very long list. Much longer then a list of things I don't. But somehow I chose to focus my subconscious mind on my shortcomings rather cherish my good ones. And I chose to feed my negative emotions instead of learn how to love myself, my body and my imperfections.
Hence all my insecurities and fears. I must change my thinking, both conscious and unconscious. I must nut run from my problems but face them head on. There is no escape in junk any more! It's time to change buddy!
My lovely friend shezug from the the other side of the country challenged me to come up with some sort of challenge for the upcoming week. And I did. I am challenging myself to eat clean low carb food without counting calories or any sort of measurements including scale. And I promised to blog every day. So it starts here. I want to change!
Every time the wind of change brings some challenging times into my life my weight and therefore my body start to suffer. For years I let my emotional demons, my insecurities and my worries dictate my choices. My choice of food, my choice of work, my choice of partners.
And if there was one thing I could change about myself it would be an ability to believe in myself and my Gods given abilities even when e storm of change comes around bringing winds of fear and unknown. My fat belly, my fat hips is not so much a result of overindulgence and love of junk food per say. It's the direct result of my inability to handle life's changes in a way that I would advice my friends to do. If I only treated myself and my own body as I would my friends or other people that I love and respect.
If I only could start honestly loving myself! After all I think I deserve it. If I honestly could describe the qualities I love about myself it would be a very very long list. Much longer then a list of things I don't. But somehow I chose to focus my subconscious mind on my shortcomings rather cherish my good ones. And I chose to feed my negative emotions instead of learn how to love myself, my body and my imperfections.
Hence all my insecurities and fears. I must change my thinking, both conscious and unconscious. I must nut run from my problems but face them head on. There is no escape in junk any more! It's time to change buddy!
My lovely friend shezug from the the other side of the country challenged me to come up with some sort of challenge for the upcoming week. And I did. I am challenging myself to eat clean low carb food without counting calories or any sort of measurements including scale. And I promised to blog every day. So it starts here. I want to change!
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Where there is a will there is a way! God, I need your help!
I fell off again and hit the rock bottom yet again stuffing my face in junk. I have been eating my worries away. I don't know how I let it happen so fast. Addiction is a horrible disease. Before I knew it a week pass by , then another one and now I am back to 275 from 260 few weeks ago. I have had a hate and love relationship with my scale. I need to completely disassociate myself from scale and concentrate fully on eating for health. I owe it to myself, my family and my Mom! I promised it to her and she never thought I would deliver. And I didn't when she was still here but I have to do it. I am pushing 40, a very dangerous age for a man. My body was forgiven but how long can it forgive my abuse??? I must change!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
My marriage to medifast has ended!
After many attempts to reconcile our relationship I unilaterally decided to end my relationship with a great company called medifast. I spent thousands of dollars on this program but didn't manage to successfully follow through. And after thousands of dollars and wasted opportunities I have no other choice but call it quits. And the biggest reason being is that I can't simply afford any more. I was naive and stubborn into thinking I can make it work. But I couldn't. So losing my job seemed paramount sadness at the time and in this uncertain economy. But fear was always my biggest obstacle to overcome. Fear of dying prevented me from living fully, fear of failing prevented me from succeeding, fear of losing prevented me from gaining. So fear I must concur. And this is the next chapter of my life. I lost a job because I needed to start a new life. And hopefully it will be a blessing. As far as my diet is concerned I am going to the basics and employ my old friend low carb lifestyle. And it must be a lifestyle.
Current weight around 267 . I will blog more just to keep track and I hope I still have some following.
Current weight around 267 . I will blog more just to keep track and I hope I still have some following.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Dear blog!
Dear body of mine! I am deeply sorry for using you as an experiment and human trash machine. You did let me know on numerous occasions that you had enough but I refused to listen. And even after all this abuse you are still giving me a chance even though I feel I am running out of time and your patience threshold. Therefore I am really serious this time to do my ver best to treat you with respect and care that you so deserved over the years! I am really grateful to you for being so forgiven!
Dear God I made promise after promise to you and Mom that I kept breaking. I feel terrible about it. Please forgive me and give me strength to do what I know I need to do deep in my heart! Please save me from myself when I am on a wrong path and I need you more then ever! I know you create every human with purpose. I know that you don't create junk so I don't want to turn your creation into junk either. I ate tons and loads of junk over the years but with your guidance and Moms love I can do it!
Dear warriors, I thank you all for supporting me in my times of hardships and not giving up on me!
For the first time in a long time I managed to stay somewhat fully on plan yesterday! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaapy! I threw away my expensive Tanita scale. I mean I placed it visibly in the garbage so someone else may find a more productive use for it. I have wii that I will use from time to time to see where my weight is but I want other markers and most importunely my health to guide me in my journey as far as success goes. Thank you for being here!
I now weight 275 pounds! Horrible!
Yesterday I also found out that my unemployment application was denied which is a huge bummer given the market and amount of bills I have. Fortunately I will move in with my sister while renting my house to keep up with mortgage. It's tough but I wanna learn to cope with emotional pin by not abusing my body with junk. It doesn't help! Only gives you split minute instant gratification but then.......
For the first time in a very long time I was able to turn this bad news into something positive. Oh yeah, I felt weak and lost for a few minutes. Scared, off course. After all I do have an expensive new car lease, a mortgage and few credit cards payments that I must keep up with. I also need to pay for my dentis and health benefits. But I managed to collect myself and use the emotional pain of uncertainties and fear turn into a triumph of victory for at least one day. And if I can do it for one day, I can do it for two! And if I can do it for two I can keep on going until I do it daily in the name of health! It's worth much more then thenother alternative!
Dear God I made promise after promise to you and Mom that I kept breaking. I feel terrible about it. Please forgive me and give me strength to do what I know I need to do deep in my heart! Please save me from myself when I am on a wrong path and I need you more then ever! I know you create every human with purpose. I know that you don't create junk so I don't want to turn your creation into junk either. I ate tons and loads of junk over the years but with your guidance and Moms love I can do it!
Dear warriors, I thank you all for supporting me in my times of hardships and not giving up on me!
For the first time in a long time I managed to stay somewhat fully on plan yesterday! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaapy! I threw away my expensive Tanita scale. I mean I placed it visibly in the garbage so someone else may find a more productive use for it. I have wii that I will use from time to time to see where my weight is but I want other markers and most importunely my health to guide me in my journey as far as success goes. Thank you for being here!
I now weight 275 pounds! Horrible!
Yesterday I also found out that my unemployment application was denied which is a huge bummer given the market and amount of bills I have. Fortunately I will move in with my sister while renting my house to keep up with mortgage. It's tough but I wanna learn to cope with emotional pin by not abusing my body with junk. It doesn't help! Only gives you split minute instant gratification but then.......
For the first time in a very long time I was able to turn this bad news into something positive. Oh yeah, I felt weak and lost for a few minutes. Scared, off course. After all I do have an expensive new car lease, a mortgage and few credit cards payments that I must keep up with. I also need to pay for my dentis and health benefits. But I managed to collect myself and use the emotional pain of uncertainties and fear turn into a triumph of victory for at least one day. And if I can do it for one day, I can do it for two! And if I can do it for two I can keep on going until I do it daily in the name of health! It's worth much more then thenother alternative!
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Ouch!
Ouch, ouch, ouch! I went to the dentist thi s morning at 11 and he was done with me at 2. he pulled the remaining of the tooth or more like q stubborn root and placed two implants. He was ruthless. I mean the tooth, dentist too by the way! I am in paaaaaaaaaain! And the lesson I learnt is to never ever ever see the YouTube video of how implants are done before the procedure. The dentist kept saying he never saw anyone receive so much anesthesia and still be in pain. He cut my gums with a blade...... Sorry girls! He gave me vicodin but I didn't take it. I hate meds. But I am taking antibiotics. On a positive note I can't eat for two days he said, lol. He said hard food though but I don't think I will eat anything. Just thinking about food makes me cringe. Is it true girls that tooth ache is wormy then pregnancy contraction? If so I don't think it's that bad, lol, at least it's manageable.. Ouch, ouch, ouch... What a he'll?! My pain again..... Ok, gotta go sleep it off. Later gang!
Monday, November 7, 2011
Did anyone notice I was gone?
Vadim Chernov
I am sad! I weighted in this morning and it's 260! I gained a whooping 14 pounds in two weeks by binging my way out of medifast. But I learnt few new lessons and I relearnt old ones.
First, I am going to go to the OA meetings. I am an addict and there is no other way to put it. I am addicted to carbs and for me one is too many 100 is not enough. When I get in that mood my brain seems to just turn into an addiction mode and it becomes a wild ride where I eat a ton of garbage and I eat until I physically can't any more.
So my plan is:
1. Accept that I have a compulsive overeating disorder and seek help for it
2. Stick with medifast and in case of crisis eat extra protein and extra snack or eat sunflower seeds so I can both stay in ketosis and satisfy that oral fixation.
3. Not to dwell on my weaknesses and fight them but instead work with my strength.
4. Start seriously incorporating journaling my feelings.
5. Never ever, ever, ever, ever think I can eat a piece of cookie or just an ice cream and stop there. I simply can't eat them at all! Just like a person with severe allergic reaction wouldn't eat something they are allergic to I must retrain my brain to accept that I am allergic to junk food and bad carbs. Period! End of story! I simply can't eat it!
6. Pray!
7. Drink more water!
8. Go to sleep before 11 pm!
So here is my plan moving forward so help me guys help myself and help me God be my best!
Like · · Unfollow Post · 2 seconds ago
I am sad! I weighted in this morning and it's 260! I gained a whooping 14 pounds in two weeks by binging my way out of medifast. But I learnt few new lessons and I relearnt old ones.
First, I am going to go to the OA meetings. I am an addict and there is no other way to put it. I am addicted to carbs and for me one is too many 100 is not enough. When I get in that mood my brain seems to just turn into an addiction mode and it becomes a wild ride where I eat a ton of garbage and I eat until I physically can't any more.
So my plan is:
1. Accept that I have a compulsive overeating disorder and seek help for it
2. Stick with medifast and in case of crisis eat extra protein and extra snack or eat sunflower seeds so I can both stay in ketosis and satisfy that oral fixation.
3. Not to dwell on my weaknesses and fight them but instead work with my strength.
4. Start seriously incorporating journaling my feelings.
5. Never ever, ever, ever, ever think I can eat a piece of cookie or just an ice cream and stop there. I simply can't eat them at all! Just like a person with severe allergic reaction wouldn't eat something they are allergic to I must retrain my brain to accept that I am allergic to junk food and bad carbs. Period! End of story! I simply can't eat it!
6. Pray!
7. Drink more water!
8. Go to sleep before 11 pm!
So here is my plan moving forward so help me guys help myself and help me God be my best!
Like · · Unfollow Post · 2 seconds ago
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