I'm fat, but I'm thin inside. Has it ever struck you that there's a thin man inside every fat man, just as they say there's a statue inside every bloc

I am back to that proverbial square one! And I gained few pounds in the process agaaaaain. I weight 280 now, up five pounds from a month ago. I simply indulged few many times over the last two weeks. The stress at work, home and few other emotional let downs didnt help much. But all excuses aside I am still going to go on. No matter what I believe I will find my way to get in shape, drop the many pounds of fat and get healthier. The Passover teaches to be free of slavery, both on physical and spiritual levels. And God knows I must get rid of many things that enslave me. Is that a word, enslave? Hmmm. I must find a way to not be depend on food for comfort. I know its hard but its doable, at least eat the right food when in crisis, lol. The other day I was looking at my photos from Cancun vacation that I embarked on 13 years ago. And oh my, what a difference. BAck then I weighed 185-190 pounds and now I weigh 280. And back then I thought I was fat. I guess I didnt know what would have become of me in only 13 years. But the good thing is I am still capable and I still believe. So back to square one or to that stone that will one day look more like a stature, a stature of healthy looking Vadim, a more healthier and youthful me!

Happiness is a good health and a bad memory!

I am still hovering at around 275 pounds. I did good for a few days but then the usual happened. No excuses though. I will take it though. I kind of seem to at least stop the wreck train from further damage. Still trying hard to get on a low carb sane wagon and stay there without cheating. I am not sure if it is psychological nut every time I go on a strict low carb regimen my gastrointestinal symptoms come back. I feel bloated, gasy and crampy. It also brings on some weird general body aches and fatigue. I am sure it has to do with adoptation period but psychosomatic can not be ruled out as well. I am still on with my medifast shakes plan, however not the way it was supposed to be. There are still plenty of food from Medifast left so I will continue to incorporate them into the low carb plan. On a personal note, I sold my 2010 Lexus and put them money into the mortgage. I leased a new 2011 Nissan JUke small SUV. I absolutely love it but it is very small. All my freinds made fun of me that I llok like stuffed potato in there. i feel quite ok except the seat. The front driver seat is kind of small for my big behind and I do get a bit uncomftable. However if positive reinforcement seems not to be good for me may be negative reinforcement will. If I gain more weight my ass will be hanging out of the car and that is illegal I think, lol. So I have to keep my weight moving downward and get rid of all those extra cushioning and I will!

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Kind of cruising alone on a semi-strict lower carb somewhat plan that seems to kind of give me a relative sort of break from compulsively obsessing about being perfect in a worll full of imperfection. I need to blog more often, but lately I have been stressed out, sleep deprived, sex- what????? somebody said sex, whats that? and on top of that all very drained emotionally. I need a vacation, a woman-girlfreind but I ll settle for just a woman, lol, not really I want a girlfriend and a companiona and a friend but I am too stubborn, too picky, too time deprived too old and too insecure. So I just need to work on getting my life on some kind of make sense route. Ok, that was a short blog. I will do a better job next time. Weight wise I lost a couple of pounds. So now I am at about 276 pounds ,thats a total loss of about 9-10 pounds in a few months. I ll take it. Hope you guys are doing better then I am.

Are we there yet?!

Sometimes I wonder how my brain really works, really?! I promised not to obsess with Medifast and try to follow it to a perfection. Why? Because it doesnt work for me! Its an excellent program but stress x two jobs x insane hunger patche at night x emotional demons= Medifast in a toilet! So what do I do? Do I finally admit to myself that I am a mature adult and not a stubborn teen who cant think rationally and rather thinks emotionally? No, I try and try and try again and again and again thinking this time is going to be different! And is it? Off course not, because insanity is a mentally retarded cousin of common sense. And I must be insane! I cant go on doing same things to only fail times and time again thinking I can and I will. I cant and I wont, at least for now, at least not in this physiologically and metabolically compromises shape I put my body in.


So I solemnly swear:

1. Not to weigh myself until March 31
2. Continue to eat Medifast meals but supplement it with unlimitted amount of low carb foods, preferably lean and green version
3. Blog more often

Weight= 281.5 pounds

Today I ate:

5 medifast meals= 550 cals: 75 grams protein and 6070 grams of carb minus 20 grams of fiber
10 oz or so grilled chicken with

A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.

Past is history, future is mystery and today is a gift therefore we call it The Present! I dont know who said it but it is so wise and true. Well.... in my case I hope its true. I would never keep this blog going if I wasnt true to myself. I cant lie here. If for any other reasond then keeping a journal of my past failures. I had a bad weekend diet wise. Completely lost site of my weaknesses and let myself go indulging in horrific food choices. I cant dwell on it. Today is today and I am restarting my ever so long journey to health and fat loss. I am huuuuuuungry now even as I type this entry. However it is an amazing thing to be able to contain it during day time and totally succumb to it at home at night. There has to be an explantation as far as will power being there during the day and going on vacation during the night. Anyway, i decided to recommit to Medifast..agaaaaaain. I know, i know that insanity definition was taken from my life. But something tells me I can still do it. I will tweak it a bit off course along the way if I need to, but I still wanna see if I can do it right at least for a week. May be I really cant, may be i can but not now when I am so stressed at times and overwhelmed with many things including my mom's declining health and middle age crisis kind of thing. But I still believe..... I still believe in myself and despite all my past failures on many fronts I still know the final battle hasnt been lost yet. I gained weight during this past few days and now weigh 281.5 pounds.

Weight= 281.5 pounds


Today's food:

1. Medifast pomegrante whey shake= 90 calories
2. Medifat blueberry oatmeal= 110 calories
3. Medifast apple cinammon oatmeal= 110 cals
4. Medifast chocolate crunch bar = 110 cals
5. Medifast chocolate pancake ( my favorite 0 = 110 cals

+ one lean and green meal 3 eggs and spinach with mushrooms with low carb salad dressing = 300 cals

Total cals= 930 cals ; protein= 95 grams ; carbs= 75 grams fiber= 22 net carbs=53 grams

2 teaspoond canola oil= 100 cals

I got wii wii! Some good and bad news to share!

I did go to the BJ and bought me a Wii console with wii fit plus package. I am not much of a video game person at all but this thing is really really cool. I played lots of sports and I loved baseball and boxing. Funny thing happened last night/this morning. I played boxing with wii for about 6 minutes. I had a good time and the second I won the opponent got better and quicker and I really had to bounce and jab and dunk and hit and hit hard to win. After I did beat the guy down I was tired. Next day I felt this weird stiffness/pain in my back and shoulders. It was not pleasnat at all. I kept thinking in my head where I could have possibly hurt my back. finally after giving it some thought I attributed it to my laryngitis / cold I had been fighting with for about three weeks. Later that day a friend of mine called me on a phone. He is a licensed physically therapist. during our brief conversation I described my weird pain to him. He asked me if I was doing any physically activities prior or lifted anything heavy and I responded no. I totally dismissed Wii as a possible cause of my pain. After few minutes of interrogation I did recall my wii experience and told him about when all of a sudden I realized it. Yes, it was! So now I am a total believer! Wii does get your body moving and its awesome if one applies him or herself. This morning I was playing baseball and tennis and I loved it. Baseball totally rocks. I kept swinging the bat away for 20 minutes and i was totally out of breath. And to top it off I connected my Wii fitness plus board and did a few run/laps with an imaginary buddy dog. I was cooked in a few minutes of running in place. And it has a cool function called fitness bank credit where it gives fitness credit for exercising every day. How cool is that?!


As far as my diet goes the news is not good. Even though I do follow medifast during the day I cant seem to keep it going during the night hours at home. But I still managed to lose a few pounds even after eating everything during night hours. I was suprised. But I must get more discipline keeping the plan as it is meant to be. It is too expensive to just use it sporadically so hopefully I will concur the way to be more strict. I will still eat five medifast meals but instead of coming home and pig out I will stick to just liberal amount of low carb food. this way its a win win situation since Medifast is a low carb plan and gets you in ketosis. So being in ketosis and eating turkish bread fried in coconut oil with melted grilled cheese with a glass of milk at night isnt really smart is it?! Well hopefully I will mend that.

Weight= 276 pounds ( 4 pounds loss in three weeks or so)

You wii, I wii, we all wii for some good memory!

I think my blog journey migh have come to the end. I had managed to lose all my supporters, lol. And whos fault is that? Mine! I had a wonderful time bloggin in here and having found good people who are like minded in many ways and share my struggles with weight. I will still update it here and there so if you are still around, check it out periodically! Thank you for being there and rooting me on!

Update! Weight= 280 pounds I havent gained at least, lol!

Since Monday I am back on semi-medified Medifast plan. So far so good! I am eating five medifast meals and as much as protein as I feel like it. this change alone brought some very needed sanity. Instead of being obsessive about eating an extra bite of protein I decided to liberate myself from feeling guilty and eat as much protein as needed. I will however stay on plan as far as carbs. One major change for me that will in no doubt be challenging will be weighting only once a month! Period! My biggest detractor and weight loss hinder is scale. I am done, so done with weighting every day or even once a week. I simply will do my best and weigh once a month so this way even if I cheat or get offit will be easier to just dust off and start over. I must not let scale subotage my effort. We ll see how it goes.

Another thing I am contemplating is getting Nintendo Wii console with fitness plus . It looks like many people are overly excited about it and many even swear by it. Speaking of a game console have you checked out a new xbox 360 kinect console. Its awesome. And I am not even a big game person. But the new technology that Microsoft incorporated into new Xbox kinect is simply speechless. Its a combination of two video cameras and fourty sensor that scan your whole body allowing you becomeing a controller. And when you play games or do Biggest Looser game your whole body is involved instead of just using controller. Its awesome, but costs a little more then Wii and for my purposes might be simply unneccessary. But its cool. And it takes pictures of you while you dont expecxt it and saves them. It really is amazing.