Success is failure turned inside out! Wow, thats powerful!

I could nag and complain and cry and blame and analize and bitch and complain even more. I could play a victim or pretend to be who I am not. I could come up with a million of excuses for why instead of why not but in the end its all irrelevant. I have failed! I have failed to believe in myself when I believed in others, I have failed to love myslef when I loved others. I failed to follow through when I pushed others to do so. And the end result is weight gain, lower self-esteem and doubts. I owe IT to my body. I owe IT to all of my organs. I appologize to you all, my liver , my brain, my kidneys, my pancreas, my intestines and all others who I didnt mention. I am sorry for all the neglect, all the abuse and all the excuses. And now I owe them IT. IT is a simple yet powerful word and IT is RESPECT! I cant continue getting on and off low carb, I cant continue to use food as my security blanket or to drug myslef to sleep. Food is neither a friend nor an enemy. It is not, its a fuel and thats what is meant to be. I cant continue to fool myslef believing i can eat carbs in moderation or eat a balanced diet. There is no balanced diet for me at this moment or ice cream in moderation. Carbs are not my enemy, but they are my weakness. As alcohol is a weakness to an alcoholic, carb is a weakness to me who is a carboholic. I never pig out on steak and brocoli when I am sad. I never swallow chicken breast after chicken breat when I am lonely. I never crave a pound of butter when I am angry. There is a reason for it. And its called Nature. Nature selects food for us as fuel, MAN select food for us which is profit. And to make a profit food has to be both palatable and addictive. And more often than not it becomes un-naturalized. i know I made promises and broke challenges. I know ! But you were still there cheering me on. May be not many of you, may be just a few but it is not how many but how caring! I will be a fool to promise anything at this point or challenge myself to anything. So I quitely and respectfully look forward to a new beginning or to a new end depending how to look at it. I have been in a bad place called selfdestruction. It is a tempting place where cookies, Mcdonalds and all other crap reside. I pray to get out of there and I must. So with your help and God willing I will. I have to, it has been long overdue. Thanks for reading!

Say it once, say it twice, say it all the time! No more crap, no more crap, crap no more!

Do you know the definition of the optimist? Optimist is the ill-informed pessimist! But..... I can still defeat my demons, be strong and give up eating crap once and for all. So to all I say " No more" I am stopping eating crap! I have had it up to here, no up to here, actually up to high stinking everywhere. I stopped smoking after having cigarettes for loooong time. I stopped it cold chicken. I stopped drinking after having drank for years. So if I was able to do that I can stop eating crap and poisoning my body. I cant treat my body with so much disrespect and dishonesty. I will not any more! I am shutting the door. Crap you are not welcome any more! I am shaving my head bold tomorrow, I am taking my neard off tomorrow and I am stopping eating crap, TONIGHT!

Is there balance in unbalanced life?

After many trials and tribulations, after many failed attempts to gain control of my diet and my health, I am back to square one or may be o! I was told to just eat a balanced diet instead of trying all kinds of fad under the sun. I dont know if it is my subconscious mind resorting to fear or what but low carb hasnt been working for me as of late. I experienced stomack cramps, IBS kind of symptoms and total exhuastion at times with muscle weakness and pain. May be it has absolutely nothing to do with low carb, as a matter of fact I believe it doesnt. But for whatever reasons, weather it is my doctors imprinting that scare massage about low carb or what. it didnt do me any good. So I decided to do the best next thing, go with balance diet! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Goooooodness! There is nothing about my life or in it right now that even remotely spells balance! I have no idea why I thought balanced diet would be a solution. I am a sugar addict, emotional eater and a person not being able to adapt to stress any more. I suffer from some rather debilitating symptoms, was diagnosed with severe anxiety disorder and IBS. I was given lots of medications such as zoloft and beta blockers to calm my body down. On top of everything else my Mom is back in the hospital suffering from partial colon obstruction and my dad is in the hospital with his recurring heart angina. Ok, if that wasnt enough I had a bad car accident and my brand new Lexus is almost total. Thanks God nobody got seriously hurt even though I do need some physical therapy. Ok. So in the midst of very unbalanced life and me being emotional wreck balanced diet seemed to be a logical choice. Not for me but for my genious doctor. He said do not try to punish yourself by eliminating your favorite comfort food but rather have them in small quantitiy. Ok I said, knowing fairly well that this philosophy hasnt worked, well ever! So if doing the same thing and expecting different result is the definition of insanity, I am an insanity! So balanced diet and having my favorite carb treats in moderation ended up in a lot of poooooooop. Not only I totally lost control and ate like a mad man on a sugar mission but ate more than I ever did, nonstop. Results? I gained 10 pounds and now eight at 244 which is officially my heaviset in many years. But my IBS did go away and pardon my Russian , my shit looked normal for the first time in months. May be just may be because I ate a lot of shit, and if you follow the paradigm of you are what you eat, then if you eat a lot of shit, guess what???? So the only positive thing about all of that experiment was that I was able to defecate normal again. But I will not trade off having a normal bowle movement over weight gain and other miseries that come along with my balanced diet. So here is my final verdict at least for the foreseeble future until I get better emotionally and deal with my anxiety and stress and family issues"


I am going back to go forward, that is I am back on lower carb diet. I will, however, include lots of green vegetables, olive oil and high fat fish. I will also gear towards more of a mideterenian kind of a low carb version becuase I do enjoy eating a lot of fish, nuts and seeds and berries along with some cottage cheese. I will do more video post to update on how I am doing as well, may be once a week video update. Thanks for your continued support.

Very quick update!

I am going to make it very short. Its hard for me to do since short is not a word I am used to, but today I have no choice. I appologize for not posting any more follow up videos. I have been through a loooooooooot. My body and mind are totally working agianst each other. I have been back to feeling dysfunctional. I did change doctor and he put me on bunch of medications which I am not crazy about. He put me on zoloft, beta blocker valium and acid reducing drug. He diagnosed me with CFS, IBS and panick attacks. I started taking meds but it is not helping. Now I am simply chronickly fatigued, in pain and constipated. I thought diarhea was bad, oh boy! Constipation sucks! As far as food is concerned I havent been eating much. No appetie of late. Oh, one more thing. My friend's wife recently passed away at the age of 34 from cancer. It was simply beyond comprehension. I think the funeral made my body even more freakish. I dont know. But I pledged to stop eating eating after 8 pm in her memory. It had been the hardest thing for me to do, that is stop eating after 8 since I go to bed at around 2 am. But I decided to do it and so far I kept it.

My first video

Here is my link to my first ever youtube video!

As I pormised long ago, the youtube video is finally done. I cant say I loved the whole experience. It was kind of bizzare and on the run. I only had 10 or so minutes to shoot this video before going to the hospital with my Mom. So it was both spontaneous and nervewrecking. My initial reaction was to delete it immediately. But that would defeat the whole point. I am not perfect and will never create a perfect video. For the longest time I have been attempting to creat a perfect body that I could love and respect to only lose a bigger perspective. I already have a perfect body that I need and must learn to accept, love and respect. I had put it through a lot of trials and tribulations both mentally and physically. Its time to change! So this video is work in progress, lol, to say the least. I am a very open-minded guy and can laugh at myself. I once more realized that looks is not my best attribute, even though I love it the way it is. Its a gift and one day might even give on giving, lol. I will definitely take more videos, better quality and more nutritionally oriented. I have lots of ideas and hopefully it will start taking place sooner than later.



Here is the link, I have no idea how to post the video in here. May be Sadekat can help me out!

http://www.youtube.com/user/gentlemen11911

Is it the chicken or the egg? Go figure!

Ok, ok I am back. Has anyone missed me yet? I hope so. I do need a hug. I have been a complete and utter emotional mess as of late. My health problems got from bad to worth. My gastrointestinal symptoms that brought along a panick attack like things increased in both time andc intensity to the point where I was forced to take a week off from work. I couldnt handle stress at all. Any stressor weather any situation at work or some other subconscious thought swould bring on unpleasant events. But... the good news is that I dont think it is diet related number one and that I do suffer from anxiety disorder or more like bad panick attacks. I am still going through a lot of tests but preliminary diagnosis is IBS and anxiety with some degree of chronic fatigue syndrome. I was put on Zoloft and valium along with beta-blockers and gas reducing meds. Mind you, I dispise meds. But for the time being I have no choice. I simply cant control my symptoms at least as of yet. And now that my symptoms progressed from once a week to basically every day it is both wise and practical to listen to my doctor. I will be updating my blog more often, hopefully. I did take my first video this morning. I wasnt feeling well and taking this video was the last thing I wanted to do. But I decided to start following through on my promises, plans and resolutions. After I recorded this video I immediately wanted to delete it right away. But I decided to let it be. I am who I am at this moment and I am starting to love me. I have had years of mental abuse. The worst of it I imposed on myself. So this time around I am growing up and part of this process is accepting my body and spirit. There is room for change, lots of it but with God's help and my stubborness and hard work I will accomplish it. Thanks! I hope I can attach this video later.


I am atill at 240 pounds. It is still a looooooot. But I am back on low carb with some room for fruits and occasioanally a very tiny amount of grains. I will keep my fingers crossed. So at this pont I am not sure what provokes my attakcs? Is it the IBS causing panick attack or is it the panick attack causing IBS? I dont know but hope to get rid of them both!