Monday, March 2, 2009

My spirit is crushed, my resolved is shaken up and I am cirtainly at a crossroad of some sort!

I just binged and it was devastating. I ate so much sugar loaded crap that my heart is jumping out of my heart. The worst part of it all that for the first time in my adult life I was feeling sorry for myself! I was sitting on the stairs and jsut eating my pain away knowing well how pathetic I really am. I had a horrific day at work, so bad it is even painful to remember. I had to endure the embarrasing, harrasing and bullish behaviour from my boss. I swallowed my pride and let her have her way. I kept reminding myself that she is pregnant. She comes from a very military family and any deviation from her orders she considers subordination. I have had enouph with that crap. I attempted to tell her that dealing with student organization requires flexibility not stiff and dry dead ends. She said that I wasnt there to give my opinions but to listen to her and do it her way since she is my boss. We kept getting back and force and I finally decided to leave her office. She demanded that I came back since she wasnt finished. I did. At that point she started to crush me saying all kind of nasty things. At that point aphone rang and I said " Excuse me I have to pick it up. It was my doctor calling about my blood results. After I hanged up the phone she said that I was being extreamly unprofessional> I told her that it was my doctor and it was kind of emergency at which point she yelled " Ask me if I care?' I just turned around and left. I am sure tomorrow morning I will be contacted by an administrator and other so called hierchy. Oh well! It hurts to know that people who you thought were nice and caring are fake and dont give a damn. But I must figure out a way to commit to a low carb and do it once and for all! I must, must, must! It is well overdue, I have to start treating my body with care and love that it so deserves! I dont know, its getting frustrating. Harry and Jo, I cant express enouph gratitude from the bottom of my heart how much I appreciate your support. It trully feels good to know that you guys are there in good and bad! Thanks!

5 comments:

Harry said...

Vadim,

I just saw that you posted and I wanted to reply before retiring to bed.

Have you ever attended a support group? By that, I mean like an Overeaters Anonymous meeting or some similar gathering. Do you think that may be worth a shot?

I know the last thing you need is advice. I hope that's not what I'm providing here. I just hope that by bringing up some options ... something might resonate with you.

I'll leave you with this truth about my own life:

I struggle with life every single day. I often feel like giving up - on my diet, on my goals, on just about everything. Frustration and despair are never far from my heart and mind.

I still have many bad habits. I'm an unspeakably flawed person - so much so that I often feel unlovable. But I hope that one day things will be different and I will be different. A bit of hope still exists in me, you see. That's why I know that I have to stay on a healthy diet. That's why I know that I need to try and take care of myself. Because if I don't ... I may not even make it to the hopeful time that I pray exists.

I want you to be around ... for yourself, for those that love and care about you and for the goodness that you can bring into this world. We may only have this one shot at life ... stop throwing it away. Get out there and find what will fill that void in you that is literally killing you. Please.

I've said this before: I KNOW THAT YOU CAN OVERCOME THIS PLAGUE ON YOUR LIFE! I know because I'm doing it myself. And believe me when I tell you that it has been a life-long battle that I'm only now winning. Why now? I couldn't tell you for sure.

If I can do it, you certainly can. There's no more power or strength in me that isn't in you!

I hope tomorrow is better than you're imagining it to be. But if it's not, don't allow those who shouldn't have power over you to inspire you to harm yourself. They don't deserve that kind of power.

Oct said...

Vadim, I feel so bad for you and your office nightmare. That is truly a nightmare, the kind of thing that would totally crush me as well. Please don't let your job define you as a person, I know I do that and it comes to no good when you can't think of why you are a worthwhile human being outside of the job you do. Since I'm also struggling with detaching my self-esteem from my career, I don't have all the answers but I can relate. I'll tell you what I tell myself every day. You are much more than your job. *understanding hug* What a bitch you work for!

NewVision said...

Vadim,
Reading your post brought tears to my eyes for you. We here at the blog know how much of a caring and loving person you really are. Too bad your boss does not realize that.

I applaud you for not standing up for yourself because she is pregnant and you respect that. But there is a time when you have to stop letting yourself get ran over too. Not too many men left in this world that feels the respect for a pregnant woman the way you do. That is a WONDERFUL trait. I wish their were more men out there like you. But enough is enough, she needs to be set straight and told she can not keep treating you like this. (In a respectful way of'course) Maybe you should go to her supervisor and tell him/her what is going on.

It sounds like you are giving yourself some sort of punishment. I use to do this to myself all the time. If I got mad/sad and could not let out the steam, I would somehow find a way to punish MYSELF instead of the person I really wanted to punish. At least for today try to treat yourself like the gentleman we ALL KNOW you to be. Your a great guy, I know that, but you have to learn it. I'm sending up some prayers for your today Vadim. Hang in there!

I guess if all else fails, you could give me her number and I will call and give her the 'what for' and set her straight. LOL She does sound like a real bitch.

Vadim said...

Thank you so very much for your kindness and good wishes! I tryly felt it and I know it will help me gain strenghts from it!

4athomej said...

I have to say that you handled yourself very well. I don't think I would have. I do hope everything works out...chin up:)