My Declaration of Independence!

I HEREY DECLARE MY INDEPENDENCE FROM GOOD OPINIONS OF OTHER PEOPLE! I found something ironic the other day. Ok, that was my lowest moment yet. Why was it the lowest? Figure this: A fat guy feeling sorry for himself, and his life eating poundcake sandwitch! Wanna know what a poundcake sandwitch is? Are you sure you want to know? Ok, I have given you a fair warning, so for those of you with easily excitable nervous system, poor sense of humor and short temper please skip the next few sentences. Poundcake sandwitch is cheesecake spread on two pieces of poundcake! iT WAS PRETTY LOW! But it was absolutely necessarily for me to fall that low to have a lightning strike me right in my soul. I got it! I got it! I got it! The reason I fell that low was because I failed to be me and instead wanted to be someone else. I cheated my nature, I cheated my Creator! I was listening to my EGO instead. And you know what esle I realized, EGO is very hard to feed. And when it wants emptyit wants to be fed. At times it is material things, but at times it is food! Nothing feeds EGO better than sweets! MY EGO LOVES SWEETS! The result of feeding my EGO for the last few month is pretty dramamtic! I gained about 30 pounds, ended up in ER and lost all my senses. But instead of fighting and yelling and experimenting, I decided to take a break and just be quite, at least for a moment. Relaxing is the hardest thing for me to do. But that was I needed! And I had revelations, few of them. So these are my revelations:

Nothing good comes out of feeding EGO
Nothing good comes out of place of Hate
Nothing good comes out of good opinions of other people unless you are on the same page with those opinions
Nothing good comes out working against your nature and trying to change it!
Nothing good comes out looking at things without seing dual nature of everything!

God, Mother Nature ans Spirit all have duality built in them! If we cant see it, we are bound for failures!

Man needs woman, night needs day, good needs eveil, ugly needs beautiful and so on! How would anyone be able to know whats beutigul if you didnt know ugly? We people tend to think we know more than our Creator! Ok, that was my moment to dive my soul into my faults!

Here is what I have been doing for the past few days!

I decided to find Love within me instead of looking for it so hard outside! If I cant find it within, I will never find it without! I have been eating low carb food without counting, worrying or weighting! I decided to at least give my body and my metabolism an easy time to adjust! So for the next two weeks I will eat liberally but it will be low carb foods. I am sure it wont be optimal according to many others, but it will be what I did 8 months ago and was successful at it. I will be eating a variety of choices, including: Lots of cottage cheese( LOVE DAIRIES), eggs, fish, vegetables, frozen berries, avocado, shirataki noodles, cocoa, whey protein, low carb milk, buttermilk, nuts, seeds, and yes some artificial sugars as Trivia. I will eat occasional low carb cheesecake!

My weight today is 245 pounds! Highest in 4 years!


In the end I would like to tell a joke! Sadekat, this one is for you! I hope you can get to this point of reading, lol!


Here is a joke! Two best friends who have known each other since early childhood got married on the same day! Next morning they meet at the club and one asks another " How was your first night with your wife? The other friend sais': It was the most embarrasing moment of my life, so bad I wont ever tell anyone. Come on, tell me, I am your best friend. We have been throuhg so much together! We went to same school, same University, even slept with the same girls. How can you not share it with me? Ok, sais the other guy, I will tell you. You know how we used to go to a lot of escort girls with you? Yes, so when I slept with my wife I accidently threw her $100 bill. Habits die hard! The other guy looks at him and he sais" My friend, your story is very educatinal, but at least you can savage your marriage! What happened to me is much sadder. What can possibly be sadder? I, like you, my friend, used to use escort girls and I, like you, my friend have those stupid habits of paying for sex. So when I slept with my wife for the first time, I too threw het $100 bill! And you knwo what she did? She threw me $50 dollars back! Sadekat, everything is relative! Your one day slip is nothing compared to my recent debacle. So next time you feel like a failure, remember you are not! You are a human, a nice one I might add who is learning to be herself and doing her best to find a road to healthy and happy life. And you will find it. Crying, falling, screaming, are all human emotions and without them you would never be who you are today! Ok, until we meet again, God Bless you guys and thank you for supporting me!

Is there a Doctor in the house?

I relapesed big time! Since early October I had put on almost 30 pounds, despite continued exercise. I analized my behaviour so many times and yet all the right answers havent precluded me from doing the right thing. Yes, I did go see the doctor, actally few of them. One of them said I need to be on anti-depressant since my serotonin might be low. Lollypop of crap! There is no way to know that I am serotonin-deficinet,l accept the fact that I am a carb junkie. So what, I have been carb-junkie since I was 3 months old. Was I depresssed then? I was the happiest kid on campus. I still am at times! What I need to do is just cut out carbs completely! Period. No negotiating, no one bite of this or that. As a wise person once said, "One is too many, 100 is not enouph!!! I will look into some sort of meditation for sure, may be take some salsa lessons. I need to work less and play more! But again, my number one need is to completely abandon carbs! So without further a due, and with God's guidance I shall be back tomorrow to start my new life! I did it for 8 month until recent slip. I can and will do it again! I am growing my balls back. I need to get back. I really do, my body has been forgiving, but its getting enouph of my shit too. I feel the effects of all those yo-yos and binge eating and else. I need to give my liver a fresh start! I really must!

One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives."

Hi all! I cant begin to thank you guys enouph for all your support! It trully means a lot. I havent been hiding, just that a place I was at had no room for others! It was a dark place, a place of selfindulgence, self-subotage and self-destruction. I could share that place with you, but why would anyone want to be there, even through my mind? I always love to share success stories, but rather be alone in failures. I am not one of those people that like to spread or share misery. I knows misery loves company, but I try to men up and deal with it myself. MIsery is like a virus, i wouldnt want you guys to catch it from me. I have continued to read your blogs, I am aware of whats going on in your lives, and if i havent commented, doesnt mean I am not there in spirit!

Ok, update! I did totally slipped and went back to eating carb loaded junk for a long while now, gaining 20 pounds doing so. But those who do not fall, do not rise! I trully believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel! Hopefully that tunnel is not that long, and the light is on its way! I am still confused at how to combat carb devils. I have tried different ways to no avail. As one wise man said those hwo fail to plan becomes Vadims of the world! So if anything I want you guys to learn from me, do not fail to plan!!!!

I have been eating myself to sickness lately. Ice creams, candies, cookies and other junk become my staple of foods that seemed to cover up the holes in my soul or voids as some might call them. There is no way I would even describe the amount of I ate, it seemed humanly impossible. It was so powerful, I even lost track of days or calories or carbs. Until this past Saturday I had a trully devine experience. I have become so angry at myself that I needed intervention. I was angry at myself, i couldnt undestand why all that I seem to love is so not good for me, and all that I dont seem to care are my best friends! I have always loved ice cream, cookies and abnoxious women. None were good for me! I have never been attracted to meat, fat or nice girls, and those are the ones that love me the most! I kept getting angry and in the midst of my anger, I was angry at God! I am not a religious person, but a very spiritual one! I believe in Cosmic Intelligence! I do believe in no accidents! Creation, God, Creator are all interchangable words, I think God doesnt care about the name, as long as you follow the right consciousness instead of your own ego! EGO stands for edging God out! I was angry at God and kept asking for some clues.I said, where are you God when I need you the most? But like wise men before us have said that if only knew who walked besides us at all times, we would never have fear again! But I felt fear! I was fearful about my lack of control! I sat in my brand new car contemplating, analizing and getting nowhere! Then I decided to drive to Barnes and Nobels to read a good book just to ease my mind! Few months back a frined of mine who had a much roupher life that I ever did gave me an audio CD of Deeprak Chopra and asked me to at least open my mind to listen to it! I was a bit reluctant and stacked it away at the side of front door pannel of my car. That day it fell out of the panel and fell right in front of my feets. Was it coincidence that a das I asked for clues, clues kept coming in bulks! I had no choice but listen. And there it was, a lot of answers! I will not go into intricate details of my spiritual jouney, it would take forever, but I will only tell you it was majical. I might share it some other time! I am still not lowcarbing, but I am eating less and less junk. God willing I should be back in full gear and at full siwng tomorrow! Thank you so much again for being there! i trully appreciate it!

I need my balls back!

Ok, this post will be short. I am out of control binge sugarholic! At times it gets so bad that while I am cheating all senses get disconnected. Last night I binged, and I binged and I binged! It was ugly, it was inhumane, it was not necessary and it was freaking baaaaaaaaad! I am getting angry at myself now! I am out of control and seem to be content with it. It alsmost feels like I really dont care. I am winding myself up as I am writing it. I need to get angry, I need to get motivated. I am slowly killing myself! Why is it that I get inspired and motivated to do anything for others that I love and cant do it for me? Why dont I love myself? Why, why, why? There are so many qualities that I like about myself. I really do. Yet, I dont love me! I ate like a pregnant cranky woman. I ate a half cheesecake, two ice cream bars and then I puked. I am getting angry. I am getting fed up! This is not manly! I am a an addict, a food junkie, and a food coward! Where is my manhood, my pride, my dignity? Enouph is enouph! I am getting angry! I will kill that stupid twin in me that has been pissing me off for so long. I am taking today off nutritionally. I need a bit of a break. But I will concur this war! I will kill my demons! I know it! I am getting angry! So many excuses, so little action! I am carnking my ager up! Get angry, Vadim! Stop the madness, stop the madness! I cant substitute junk for my emotional voids! I cant substitute junk for my emotional voids! I cant substitute junk for my emotional voids! I am getting angry! I need to get angry! I must get angry! I need to man up! I feel like a castrated boy! I lost my balls! I need my balls back! I was a man once! I will become a man again! No excuses, no whinings, no more! Until we meet again!

Can someone knock some sense into me when I am about to go off my plan!

I was having a decent day yesterday both nutritionally and fitness wise. Until night came creeping along. I couldnt find parking for an hour. Thats one of the biggest headacke of living where I live. There are millions of cars and limitted space. Many private parking spots and not lot of public space. I was tired, cranky and hungry. And I drive stick shift too. when i came home I realized my sister was building a new kitchen. She told me before but I forgot. So there was no way to get any food. But I needed to eat, and there was no way I was going to go without it. So I ate what I could find. And it was not pretty. I ate a lot of carbs, but today it is much better. I am still contemplating on what plan to pursue come next week, but I think i will go on a lifestyle change kind of regimen. So there will have to be food that I can live with for long time, hopefully.

Last night I did 11498 steps
Today I did 13000 steps


glitter-graphics.com

A world of a 10,000 steps!

This is for you Jo! I finally bought my new pedometer! Actualy it is my old new pedometer. I had it before but lost it. His name is Omron, and Omron is my new best friend! I am a bit under the weather today, but do not worry I havent lost it completely. Omron is a true friend, because he keeps me in check, he never lies or tells me what I want to hear. He is a Ferrari of all the pedometers out of there, even though he only cost me $30 dollars. Small price to pay for a good buddy! He not only counts every step I take, but also comes with a USB cable so you can transfer all the data onto your computer. He keeps track of steps, distance walked, calories burnt and even translates it into how many fat grams you burn by walking. Then you can set up a neat graph on line and the free software it comes with will entertain and motivate you to even walk more! As far as nutrition goes, it was a decent day too. I managed to behave, even though I havent kept my calories count. I am implementing a new strategy starting today. I finally realized that I must first get to the promised land first, then worry about not having unhealthy or relatively unhealthy snacks. Sustainability is the key to my success and so is planning and counting! I do much better by having lots of choices, therefore freedom in my food selection. And that includes sweets that I still crave. Its much easier to fight my evil addiction being 175 pounds than doing so at 235. So I bought lots of stuff both good and so great. As time passes and I post my menus you will be the judge of my choices. And I am sure you will let me know. I will be very transparent. And I also welocme all commments both good , flatteirng and not so heart warming. I am a big boy in every sense of the word. I am very open minded and open to discussion. I love La Tsu and Daoism. La Tsu called our materialistic world a WORLD OF 10, 000 THINGS. He is still considered a wises man that ever lived, and up to this day noone still knows hwy he called it a world of 10 ooo things! And how coincidental is it that every pedometer recommends to walk 10, 000 steps every day to maintain a healthy life! Go figure! So I will keep walking 10, 000 steps every day from now. Hopefully my diet follows suit, lol, not so sure about that!


STEPS= 18, 789 CALORIES BURNT= 840 FAT BURNT WHILE WALKING= 60.9 GRAMS LOL THATS WHAT MY PEDOMETER SAIS, HE HAS NO REASON TO LIE TO ME!



TODAY I ATE: 1 OZ OF PISTACHIOUS, 2 OZ MIXED NUTS; 5 OZ OF VARIOUS CHEESES; 3 OZ SALAMI; 4 OZ GRILLED CHICKEN;



WEIGHT= 234 POUNDS

Politically incorrect, naked outlook at life, food and what it all means!

I am back people! Embrace me, scold me, praise me or simply ignore me! I needed a time off to get back to what? I dont know, but back I am! I will not discuss where I was, whats the point. Lets just say it wasnt sexy, desirable or meaningful. It was a self-destructive place, a place of self-discovery and self-indulgence! I will not discuss my food choices, whats the point, its in the past, or is it? At least it is for a moment! I asked so many questions to many so many people! I got so many asnwers from so many people! But in the end its all irrelevant, because answers that I am looking for are within my reach, its a matter of seing them. But do I see them? I dont have the answers, but boy do I have questions? And I will ask you guys few of them today! How many of you are losing weight for health related issues only? I heard so many people lie and say oh yes the reason I diet is to be healthy! Rarely have I met people that truly do, and if they do, weight usually falls off, low carb or not! But many say they do, meanwhile are obsessed with scales. I will rephrase the question. If I had a magical shtick and could make you healthy but fat, would you take it? If I could make you look all nice and muscular and fit without anything jiggle like a jello, unless it was meant to, how many would still weight themselves? I doubt many. So for lots of us weight is not a health issue unless we really are a mess healthwise. For many of us weight is a symptom of a hidden soul troubles. And food becomes a very convenient indulgence to get away from our daily soulsearching. But I have had enouph with being fat! I have had enouph with being self-conscious body image. I want to be FREE! Free from self-pity and low esteem, free from society image of me, free from other people expectations. I need to relearn to love my body, fat or skinny! I have lots more to offer than 6 packs, 32 inch waist or head full of hair! Screw low esteem and screw poor body image! I dont need anti-depressant to feel happy! I didnt need them when I was a little kid! I still have a kid in me, its a matter of removing my ego. So screw ego too! I once dated a girl who had a nice sense of humor. After making love to her, we were laying in bed chatting! I lived in a small studio. She looked around, and said '' OH, AND YOUR APPARTMENT IS SMALL TOO" and started lauphing. But I wasnt lauphing! Funny it wasnt! She kissed me and said " Dont worry, you guys are all the same! And she was right! I was like all other men with low self -esteem. She said " I was joking, your appartment is small and so is your body image but everything else is ok! I kissed her back and said " Its not the size of the appartment, its the size of the owner's heart that matters! But is it? Off course it is, but at times I have to convince myself of that when it comes to me or my self-esteem! So without furhter a due, ladies and gentlemen I am announcing I am back! I dont know what tomorrow will bring, but I am making plans today! I am planning on starting a new lifestyle! I have my new pedometer and I have my new hope with it! I am back people, and happy to do so!