Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I need my balls back!

Ok, this post will be short. I am out of control binge sugarholic! At times it gets so bad that while I am cheating all senses get disconnected. Last night I binged, and I binged and I binged! It was ugly, it was inhumane, it was not necessary and it was freaking baaaaaaaaad! I am getting angry at myself now! I am out of control and seem to be content with it. It alsmost feels like I really dont care. I am winding myself up as I am writing it. I need to get angry, I need to get motivated. I am slowly killing myself! Why is it that I get inspired and motivated to do anything for others that I love and cant do it for me? Why dont I love myself? Why, why, why? There are so many qualities that I like about myself. I really do. Yet, I dont love me! I ate like a pregnant cranky woman. I ate a half cheesecake, two ice cream bars and then I puked. I am getting angry. I am getting fed up! This is not manly! I am a an addict, a food junkie, and a food coward! Where is my manhood, my pride, my dignity? Enouph is enouph! I am getting angry! I will kill that stupid twin in me that has been pissing me off for so long. I am taking today off nutritionally. I need a bit of a break. But I will concur this war! I will kill my demons! I know it! I am getting angry! So many excuses, so little action! I am carnking my ager up! Get angry, Vadim! Stop the madness, stop the madness! I cant substitute junk for my emotional voids! I cant substitute junk for my emotional voids! I cant substitute junk for my emotional voids! I am getting angry! I need to get angry! I must get angry! I need to man up! I feel like a castrated boy! I lost my balls! I need my balls back! I was a man once! I will become a man again! No excuses, no whinings, no more! Until we meet again!

16 comments:

bayoubabe said...

WOW, I'm almost scared to post anything LOL.

You are real, and you are honest. and that is a beginning.

Sometimes we need to get 'off the wagon' to remember WHY we got on in the first place !!

You DO love yourself. heck, WE love you :))

tHINGS WILL GET BETTER. Go visit my blog today for a funny story.

www.bigeasyonlowcarb.blogspot.com

Vadim said...

Thanks! Ok, I am heading off to your blog, see you there!

Sweet Copper Penny said...

GET MAD! It feels good to get it out, doesn't it? GET THE CRAP OUT OF YOUR HOUSE!!!! Plain and simple. If it's not there, you can't eat it!

You can do this!

NewVision said...

Vadim,
I don't know what to say. I feel for you. I wish their was some way I could help.
Hang in there!
How was your steps today?
My pedometer reset its self. :( When I got home it only said 1806 steps. It was more than that at 10:30 a.m.

Vadim said...

I will be damn to give up on my pedometer buddy! I am stepping today at least 10000. I am down today, ate carb crap again. There was a lot of work done and I didnt have time to cook anything. We had bunch of issues at work and people got fired. I hate when it happens, but unfortunately the budget and economy dictates the rules. I had to personally let a custodian go who has been there 10 years. This is my second full year. i felt like crap telling this guy who has two little kids he doesnt have a job. I tried my hardest not to eat crap, but I still did.

Harry said...

Mr. V,

I wrote an article that was inspired by you. I'll send you a link once it's published - in a few hours.

Trust me on this: I was an olympic-class binge eater, in my past. Even in my recent past. Now, that's done with. If I can do it, you can do it.

You will get there.

Vadim said...

Thanks Harry! I would love to read that article!

Harry said...

I hope it's helpful, Vadim. :)

http://www.healthyfellow.com/123/planning-for-success/

NewVision said...

Vadim,
Your MIA again. You Okay?
Just dropping by to let you know I'm thinking of you.

Come out, come out, where ever you are.

Vadim said...

Thank you Jo, I am fine! I am not fine nutrition wise. I slipped, fell and fell again. But I believe those that fall the hardest also rise up the tallest, so hopefully thats the case. I have been doing some search searching and found few answers that I know will help me along myjourney. I ought to be back soon, God willing!

Harry said...

I'm also hoping to see you back soon, Vadim. :)

Please let us know if we can help you regain your footing.

Anonymous said...

Vadim, I think you need to be more strict about planning your meals and sticking to them.

Like a certain overweight diet guru used to say, "Failing to plan is planning to fail." So true.

I prep my foods the night before, mostly by necessity. I make sure breakfast and lunch and good and filling, which wards off excessive snacking and enables me to stay on track at dinner time.

You also seem to swing from one emotional extreme to another. Please stop being so hard on yourself. I'm not sure why this seems to crop up so much with you. You've got to figure out how to enjoy your WOE, which should hopefully help you with the false starts.

And no, you don't have to be perfect. One cheat does NOT need to define a whole span of days or weeks.

I'm rooting for you, so do the doggone thing!

OnPoint

P.S. - Sorry, just too lazy to login.

Vadim said...

Thank you Onpoint! Wise advices. I am just pissed that with all my knowledge its just not in me to get things done. I hope to do it do it soon!

Harry said...

You may need to buy a can of insect repellent and use it on me, Mr. V.

I'm not giving up until you come back!

Seriously though, I hope you're treating yourself well - or as well as possible.

I hope you decide that your return (the LC way) will be a healthy thing for you. If you do, I know there will be plenty of your supporters that will carry a smile.

Be well, my friend.

NewVision said...

Might as well buy two bottles of the insect repellent. I'm not going away that easy either. We miss you.

Hope your getting your plan and thoughts together. We are here rooting for you.

Come back when you can. :)

Erika said...

Me too. You'll return (I hope!) and we'll be here :)