I am still in pain! Is there a Doctor in thw house?

Today was a day I wish wasnt! I was lethargic, in pain and my stomach was bloated. I have experienced this nagging shin-like pain in both my hands and my feet. My stomack was also bloated and spasmatic. I was half the man I usually am! Hooooooooror! I dont know what a heck is going on, but hope it goes away sooner than later! May be its some kind of induction flu! But I still walked through pain today, may be i should give it a rest for few days!

Steps= 14,900

Food: 2 eggs, 1 tablespoon Wasabi mayo(HOOOOOOOOO----t), 2 tablespoon guacomole
4 oz of Swiss cheese; 1 protein shake; 10 oz lox; 1.5 scoop egg salad; 3 oz salami; 3 oz roasted beef;

I am in pain!

Today was a day of pain! My whole body was aching and even my heart felt out of synch. Have no idea what it was and neither does my doctor! He said it might be a carb withdrawal symptoms! Ha? This is my first day back doing low carb and withdrwal? I dont think so, my brain aint that sharp! Ok, other than that it was a relatively peaceful day and God am I thankful to be back! It wasnt tough today as far as cravings. I ate till satisfaction and today was one fo those day when I didnt feel like eating a lot!

Weight= 246.5 pounds ( I will not weigh for a month now ) Scale makes me lose my cool when it doesnt cooperate. Since its time to take care of my health first, low carb is priority. Weight lost will be a nice side affect, I hope!

Walking= 11,475 steps!


Today I ate:

4 oz turkey breast with a nice salad ( cucumber, tomatoes, onion, lettuce dresses in olive oil).

1 cup of cottage cheese with few tablespoon sour cream and i packet of stevia

8 oz roasted chicken
4 oz various cheeses
2 tablespoon veryyyyyyyyy hot wasabi mayo!
1 small chicken wonton as a sample at Trader Joe ( only had 3 carbs though)

Back to the basics!

I could analize, micromanage and dissect my failures recently, but I wont. I will keep it simple, I screwed up royally. And as usual it all starts with one meal, one weigh in or one good opinion of another person! No reason to do damage control by yaping my mouth. Those who followed my blog know how good I am at times yaping my mouth! I can only say that I am not giving up! It has been tough, it has been rough, but it is always been within my grab to do it right! I never blame anyone for my failures and this time is no different! I know what I did wrong! The biggest mistke I made was not sticking to the basics and trying to run before mastering the walk! I have always had a trouble closing a loop, weather it is my relationship at work, on personal front or with food! So without further yaping, here is a recipe and a plan for attacking my demons!

1. Throw away scale, and weigh only on monthly basis!
2. Eat until being satisfied, not stuffed!
3. Exercise!
4. Eat basic low carb variety such as: eggs, vegetables, berries, nuts and seeds, fish and paultry: occasional meat ( not a big meat eater here); dairy; shirataki noodles and occasional sugar-free chocolate and candy!
5. Blog daily, success or failures!


And always appreciate the support of my fellow bloggers!

I might have found my sanity again! At least for the last few days!

I stopped counting calories, I stopped weighing myslef, I stopped worrying about my recent set backs. I simply went back to varitey of relatively low carb food that worked for me before. It might not be healthiest according to some or extreaml low carb, but it gives me peace of mind, sustainability. And the most important thing of all, I like it. So for the next two weeks or so I will simply eat liberally and not weigh myself. After that induction period, time will show whats next!

Today I ate in no particular order:
21 walnuts
2 cups of cottage cheese with 1/2 cup of blueberries
2 serving of Shirataki noodles with mushroom, wine and garlic
2 chicken sausages
1 tablespoon coconut oil
3 ground lamb cutletts
salad

My Declaration of Independence!

I HEREY DECLARE MY INDEPENDENCE FROM GOOD OPINIONS OF OTHER PEOPLE! I found something ironic the other day. Ok, that was my lowest moment yet. Why was it the lowest? Figure this: A fat guy feeling sorry for himself, and his life eating poundcake sandwitch! Wanna know what a poundcake sandwitch is? Are you sure you want to know? Ok, I have given you a fair warning, so for those of you with easily excitable nervous system, poor sense of humor and short temper please skip the next few sentences. Poundcake sandwitch is cheesecake spread on two pieces of poundcake! iT WAS PRETTY LOW! But it was absolutely necessarily for me to fall that low to have a lightning strike me right in my soul. I got it! I got it! I got it! The reason I fell that low was because I failed to be me and instead wanted to be someone else. I cheated my nature, I cheated my Creator! I was listening to my EGO instead. And you know what esle I realized, EGO is very hard to feed. And when it wants emptyit wants to be fed. At times it is material things, but at times it is food! Nothing feeds EGO better than sweets! MY EGO LOVES SWEETS! The result of feeding my EGO for the last few month is pretty dramamtic! I gained about 30 pounds, ended up in ER and lost all my senses. But instead of fighting and yelling and experimenting, I decided to take a break and just be quite, at least for a moment. Relaxing is the hardest thing for me to do. But that was I needed! And I had revelations, few of them. So these are my revelations:

Nothing good comes out of feeding EGO
Nothing good comes out of place of Hate
Nothing good comes out of good opinions of other people unless you are on the same page with those opinions
Nothing good comes out working against your nature and trying to change it!
Nothing good comes out looking at things without seing dual nature of everything!

God, Mother Nature ans Spirit all have duality built in them! If we cant see it, we are bound for failures!

Man needs woman, night needs day, good needs eveil, ugly needs beautiful and so on! How would anyone be able to know whats beutigul if you didnt know ugly? We people tend to think we know more than our Creator! Ok, that was my moment to dive my soul into my faults!

Here is what I have been doing for the past few days!

I decided to find Love within me instead of looking for it so hard outside! If I cant find it within, I will never find it without! I have been eating low carb food without counting, worrying or weighting! I decided to at least give my body and my metabolism an easy time to adjust! So for the next two weeks I will eat liberally but it will be low carb foods. I am sure it wont be optimal according to many others, but it will be what I did 8 months ago and was successful at it. I will be eating a variety of choices, including: Lots of cottage cheese( LOVE DAIRIES), eggs, fish, vegetables, frozen berries, avocado, shirataki noodles, cocoa, whey protein, low carb milk, buttermilk, nuts, seeds, and yes some artificial sugars as Trivia. I will eat occasional low carb cheesecake!

My weight today is 245 pounds! Highest in 4 years!


In the end I would like to tell a joke! Sadekat, this one is for you! I hope you can get to this point of reading, lol!


Here is a joke! Two best friends who have known each other since early childhood got married on the same day! Next morning they meet at the club and one asks another " How was your first night with your wife? The other friend sais': It was the most embarrasing moment of my life, so bad I wont ever tell anyone. Come on, tell me, I am your best friend. We have been throuhg so much together! We went to same school, same University, even slept with the same girls. How can you not share it with me? Ok, sais the other guy, I will tell you. You know how we used to go to a lot of escort girls with you? Yes, so when I slept with my wife I accidently threw her $100 bill. Habits die hard! The other guy looks at him and he sais" My friend, your story is very educatinal, but at least you can savage your marriage! What happened to me is much sadder. What can possibly be sadder? I, like you, my friend, used to use escort girls and I, like you, my friend have those stupid habits of paying for sex. So when I slept with my wife for the first time, I too threw het $100 bill! And you knwo what she did? She threw me $50 dollars back! Sadekat, everything is relative! Your one day slip is nothing compared to my recent debacle. So next time you feel like a failure, remember you are not! You are a human, a nice one I might add who is learning to be herself and doing her best to find a road to healthy and happy life. And you will find it. Crying, falling, screaming, are all human emotions and without them you would never be who you are today! Ok, until we meet again, God Bless you guys and thank you for supporting me!

Is there a Doctor in the house?

I relapesed big time! Since early October I had put on almost 30 pounds, despite continued exercise. I analized my behaviour so many times and yet all the right answers havent precluded me from doing the right thing. Yes, I did go see the doctor, actally few of them. One of them said I need to be on anti-depressant since my serotonin might be low. Lollypop of crap! There is no way to know that I am serotonin-deficinet,l accept the fact that I am a carb junkie. So what, I have been carb-junkie since I was 3 months old. Was I depresssed then? I was the happiest kid on campus. I still am at times! What I need to do is just cut out carbs completely! Period. No negotiating, no one bite of this or that. As a wise person once said, "One is too many, 100 is not enouph!!! I will look into some sort of meditation for sure, may be take some salsa lessons. I need to work less and play more! But again, my number one need is to completely abandon carbs! So without further a due, and with God's guidance I shall be back tomorrow to start my new life! I did it for 8 month until recent slip. I can and will do it again! I am growing my balls back. I need to get back. I really do, my body has been forgiving, but its getting enouph of my shit too. I feel the effects of all those yo-yos and binge eating and else. I need to give my liver a fresh start! I really must!

One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives."

Hi all! I cant begin to thank you guys enouph for all your support! It trully means a lot. I havent been hiding, just that a place I was at had no room for others! It was a dark place, a place of selfindulgence, self-subotage and self-destruction. I could share that place with you, but why would anyone want to be there, even through my mind? I always love to share success stories, but rather be alone in failures. I am not one of those people that like to spread or share misery. I knows misery loves company, but I try to men up and deal with it myself. MIsery is like a virus, i wouldnt want you guys to catch it from me. I have continued to read your blogs, I am aware of whats going on in your lives, and if i havent commented, doesnt mean I am not there in spirit!

Ok, update! I did totally slipped and went back to eating carb loaded junk for a long while now, gaining 20 pounds doing so. But those who do not fall, do not rise! I trully believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel! Hopefully that tunnel is not that long, and the light is on its way! I am still confused at how to combat carb devils. I have tried different ways to no avail. As one wise man said those hwo fail to plan becomes Vadims of the world! So if anything I want you guys to learn from me, do not fail to plan!!!!

I have been eating myself to sickness lately. Ice creams, candies, cookies and other junk become my staple of foods that seemed to cover up the holes in my soul or voids as some might call them. There is no way I would even describe the amount of I ate, it seemed humanly impossible. It was so powerful, I even lost track of days or calories or carbs. Until this past Saturday I had a trully devine experience. I have become so angry at myself that I needed intervention. I was angry at myself, i couldnt undestand why all that I seem to love is so not good for me, and all that I dont seem to care are my best friends! I have always loved ice cream, cookies and abnoxious women. None were good for me! I have never been attracted to meat, fat or nice girls, and those are the ones that love me the most! I kept getting angry and in the midst of my anger, I was angry at God! I am not a religious person, but a very spiritual one! I believe in Cosmic Intelligence! I do believe in no accidents! Creation, God, Creator are all interchangable words, I think God doesnt care about the name, as long as you follow the right consciousness instead of your own ego! EGO stands for edging God out! I was angry at God and kept asking for some clues.I said, where are you God when I need you the most? But like wise men before us have said that if only knew who walked besides us at all times, we would never have fear again! But I felt fear! I was fearful about my lack of control! I sat in my brand new car contemplating, analizing and getting nowhere! Then I decided to drive to Barnes and Nobels to read a good book just to ease my mind! Few months back a frined of mine who had a much roupher life that I ever did gave me an audio CD of Deeprak Chopra and asked me to at least open my mind to listen to it! I was a bit reluctant and stacked it away at the side of front door pannel of my car. That day it fell out of the panel and fell right in front of my feets. Was it coincidence that a das I asked for clues, clues kept coming in bulks! I had no choice but listen. And there it was, a lot of answers! I will not go into intricate details of my spiritual jouney, it would take forever, but I will only tell you it was majical. I might share it some other time! I am still not lowcarbing, but I am eating less and less junk. God willing I should be back in full gear and at full siwng tomorrow! Thank you so much again for being there! i trully appreciate it!