Knock knock!

I know it's been two years since my last post but I am wondering if there is still an audience out there for me to restart blogging? Even if it's just one person lol...

Bad habits die very hard! But do they ever die?! I guess in my case not!

I had a wonderful fasting Monday day. Felt great and Tuesday came. It wasn't bad at all till night rolled by and all of a sudden I binged again. Came out of the blue and continued today all day long. It's absolutely insane. It feels like it comes on with a vengeance. That's why fasting is kind of easy and clear. And when I start eating I do ok till I eat the wrong food and then all he'll breaks lose. It's like guilt begets binges which begts more guilt and become a vicious circle. And then off course a promised tomorrow thing comes up in a head! Well, tomorrow I am doing an unplanned fast just to undo the crazy garbage feed of today. I have to and I ll do it two days this time because Friday is my planned fasting....Oy Wei!

Knock knock! Is anyone in here?

After a long and unnecessary hiatus I am back to blog! Let me briefly update my loyal listener( s ) regarding my never-ending weight struggle and emotional demons. My weight has basically been in the same stubborn range from 255 to 265 for the past six month. That's a bad news. A good news is that I did lose about ten pounds over a course of two years and it hasn't climbed up at least. The bad news is that I am still doing this crazy binge on binge off diet and it's not making me look pretty or healthy. I am still pretty much a broken project lol, however I hope good Lord gives me some wisdom and strength to one day concur it all! After all I have lots of experience now dealing with my emotional demons and it's the enemy I am very much aware of now! Ok, that's pretty much it in a nut shell. Now, I want to share something that I recently found out. A good friend to this blog Onpoint shared a valuable information about a documentary called...Eat, Fast and Live longer ... It was done by Dr Mosley who embarks on a journey to discover benefits of fasting. In short, this documentary is very educational and well done. I watched it twice and enjoyed every second of it. Dr Mosley become an overnigh sensation in Britain after this documentary was released. He popularized IF.. Intermittent fasting by developing a plan that he called 5:2 plan. After conducting self experimentation and chatting with few worlds renowned experts on aging and fasting, he decided to stick to a plan that consists of two nonconsecutive fasting days followed by five regular days of no limit foods. On tow fasting days one is recommended to consume 500 cals for a female and 600 for male. He sticks to his plan for a month and checks few important markers that are linked to aging and disease such as IGF-1 . And lo and behold his plan worked. He decreased his IGF 1 in half during his journey and was able to shed a few pounds as well. I tried IF before but it didn't stick. For some reason Dr Mosley charisma and documentary inspired me to do it again and I am very happy to report that yesterday I did my first day of fasting with great success. I decided to try fasting two days: Monday and Friday... It's easy that way. Monday makes lots of sense. It's always a good idea to abstain from food following weekend. And Friday makes sense to me too because it's the day before the weekend lol... Plus, it has symbolic meaning. M stands for Monday and Mom and it's a perfect day to fast and think about Mom and not about food. And F stands for Fasting anyway, I think it was meant to be lol. I am not holding my hopes too high given my history but I am very inspired to try it. And I have an inclination it may work for me. Was it hard ? Yesterday I ate a breakfast which consisted of approximately 500 calories. Dr Mosley finds it easier to spread those 600 calories in two meals, breakfast and dinner. I, personally, found it easier to just eat a big breakfast and then fast for the next 24 hours. I ate few eggs with onions, mushrooms, seaweed and avocados and a cup of raspberries sprinkled with stevia. It filled me up till early evening. And I did find it a little challenging but it was mostly psychological. And yet I succeeded. A mini victory, bit I ll take it! One step at a time. A journey of a thousands miles always begins with that first step! So I hope and pray that it will stick and I believe it may although I am being cautiously optimistic. I will update you on how it goes! Thanks Onpoint, you are a dear friend and I appreciate your wisdom and support. Also, a special thanks to Donna for her continued encouragement and support.

Yesterday was back on the Paleo lifestyle!

Yesterday I got back to the Paleo. It wasn't necessarily hard but the night time always brings appetite and boredom so food becomes more of a head hunger. But I persevered and stuck to it. Although I did eat more then I wanted to, the goal was to stay Paleo and I did it. At least Day 1! Day 2 here we cone. One day at a time! And no scale.......for two weeks at least. It's all about sustaining it and making it a habit so it becomes a lifestyle automatically again.

Oath before my Beloved Mother, God and myself!

I shall love, respect and treat my body from this moment on not as a junk and human waste disposal but as a sacred vessel of higher being! God doesn't make junk! But I managed to abuse, neglect and mistreat my body through endless binges and self pity! I will not do that any more! I promise to go back to the diet that worked for me before and who's principals I will follow. Through many trials and tribulations I came to a conclusions that this lifestyle is the optimum road to finally eliminate food and junk food to be specific as a way to deal with my emotional demons. I promise to uphold the principals of the Paleo lifestyle and to follow this eating plan to help me rebuild my health and lose unwanted pounds of fat in the process! I will abstain from eating any kind of dairy products, grains and beans as well as processed junk to the best of my abilities. As an occasional exception I may eat a bite of forbidden food in those rare occasions where a religious or cultural observance directs to do so. I promised my Mon that I will get fit and lose pounds of unhealthy and unwanted fat. I ask God for guidance, strength and help in dealing with my emotional demons in a healthy way so help me God!

This is a roster call. If you are still here shout hello to me!

Heloooooooooooooooooooooo!

Hi! Say hi back if anyone still checks on my blog lol, just want to make sure!

In a land of big dreams lies a hidden power of change!

I just went through my old blog entries as well as other journals and realized that for the past 10 years or so I have been living in a body full of blabber that ranged anywhere from 210 to 280 . As a Chinese proverb goes " big stomach is not a sign of overindulgence but a hidden comfort zone for unaccomplished and unrealized dreams and emotions"! Oh wait.... It wasn't exactly a quote or a Chinese proverb although some of it was, but my own interpretation of human obesity, at least for a lot of people. Somehow we learn at a very young age to use food as a safety net or a security blanket. And when we are stressed or sad or angry or lonely we look for that comfort food to make us feel good. Years pass by and not only those bad habits cripple us psychologically , they are also causing our bodies to be metabolically upside down. Soon after a cascade of other problems arrive such as pre diabetes, high blood pressure, joints problems and so on..... But what even worth is that an obese person who followed on that wrong path becomes so emotionally fragile that he or she stops having big dreams! Nobody abuses you without your permission" once Elleonore Rusevelt said. And she was right. But nobody can hurt us more then we can hurt ourselves! And when that happens we become weak and old and stiff both in our bodies and our thinking. La Tzu once said that flexibility is a companion of life whereas stiffness is a companion of death! I noticed that over the past few years I have become more and more emotionally stiff! And I forgot how to dream big!

Today I weight 270 pounds and that is sad! But............ I am awoken again! I dare again to dream big! God doesn't make junk, humans do! For years I lived within my own mind set limitation. I wanna be free again! So help me God!

Copy and paste entry from a month ago! Will I ever change?!

I fell off again and hit the rock bottom yet again stuffing my face in junk. I have been eating my worries away. I don't know how I let it happen so fast. Addiction is a horrible disease. Before I knew it a week pass by , then another one and now I am back to 275 from 260 few weeks ago. I have had a hate and love relationship with my scale. I need to completely disassociate myself from scale and concentrate fully on eating for health. I owe it to myself, my family and my Mom! I promised it to her and she never thought I would deliver. And I didn't when she was still here but I have to do it. I am pushing 40, a very dangerous age for a man. My body was forgiven but how long can it forgive my abuse??? I must change!

Humbled by my inabilites to get back on the proverbial low carb wagon, I am still determined to get it done!

Haven't weighted officially in two weeks, however I still sneaked at my dads manual scales. One of those gigantic ancient one with a big dial and it shows no weight loss. So I am still hovering around 270 or in that range. I haven't binged in this period which is a progress altho a small one. Still a progress and I managed to keep it low carb. But I need to speed my progress. I have been stuck on this weight since I was 2 years old, lol at least it feels that way! I somehow need to dig deep within and find a motivation to take control of my life!

Here is how I plan to accomplish it for the next few days to get the scale moving again!


   
Qty
Unit
Calories

Raw Cauliflower11:41 p.m.
3
cup
72
 
Raw Turnips11:42 p.m.
0.5
cup
18
 
Chicken Breast, Baked (Tyson) ...11:43 p.m.
10
oz
386.9
 
Almond, Raw11:44 p.m.
0.6
oz
98.3
 
Olive Oil (Bertolli)11:46 p.m.
0.5
tbsp
60
 
Sardine, Maine, Canned In Wate...11:47 p.m.
1.7
oz
130.4
 
Eggs, Whole11:47 p.m.
2
eggs
142
 
On Whey Protein Shake11:48 p.m.
1
tbsp
106.7
 
Harvest Berry, Frozen, Bag, Or...11:49 p.m.
0.5
cup
32.5
 
Coconut Oil (Hain)11:50 p.m.
0.5
tbsp
60
 
Mid-Morning
   
Qty
Unit
Calories

Lunch
   
Qty
Unit
Calories

Afternoon
   
Qty
Unit
Calories

Dinner
   
Qty
Unit
Calories

Evening
   
Qty
Unit
Calories


Total Calories: 1106.8

Calories 1106.8
Calories from Fat 458.9
Total Fat 51 g
Saturated Fat 11.3 g
Cholesterol 662.1 mg
Sodium 836.7 mg
Carbohydrate 37.9 g
Dietary Fiber 11.5 g
Sugars 15.6 g
Protein 136.8 g
Vitamin A 550.9 UI
Vitamin C 175.2 mg
Calcium 180.6 mg
Iron -2.2 mg

Feeling blah!

Today was a so so day today as far as eating clean is concerned. I did eat relatively low carb but did end up overindulging on quest bars. Ate three of them in one sitting and that's on top of dinner of two eggs and a can of sardines with 1oz of nuts. Better day tomorrow!

If I could select a movie title for my ever ongoing weight loss struggle what would it be?

Hmm, good question Vadim! So what is it? I think the best title for that movie would be Gone with the wind!!!

Every time the wind of change brings some challenging times into my life my weight and therefore my body start to suffer. For years I let my emotional demons, my insecurities and my worries dictate my choices. My choice of food, my choice of work, my choice of partners.

And if there was one thing I could change about myself it would be an ability to believe in myself and my Gods given abilities even when e storm of change comes around bringing winds of fear and unknown. My fat belly, my fat hips is not so much a result of overindulgence and love of junk food per say. It's the direct result of my inability to handle life's changes in a way that I would advice my friends to do. If I only treated myself and my own body as I would my friends or other people that I love and respect.

If I only could start honestly loving myself! After all I think I deserve it. If I honestly could describe the qualities I love about myself it would be a very very long list. Much longer then a list of things I don't. But somehow I chose to focus my subconscious mind on my shortcomings rather cherish my good ones. And I chose to feed my negative emotions instead of learn how to love myself, my body and my imperfections.

Hence all my insecurities and fears. I must change my thinking, both conscious and unconscious. I must nut run from my problems but face them head on. There is no escape in junk any more! It's time to change buddy!

My lovely friend shezug from the the other side of the country challenged me to come up with some sort of challenge for the upcoming week. And I did. I am challenging myself to eat clean low carb food without counting calories or any sort of measurements including scale. And I promised to blog every day. So it starts here. I want to change!

Where there is a will there is a way! God, I need your help!

I fell off again and hit the rock bottom yet again stuffing my face in junk. I have been eating my worries away. I don't know how I let it happen so fast. Addiction is a horrible disease. Before I knew it a week pass by , then another one and now I am back to 275 from 260 few weeks ago. I have had a hate and love relationship with my scale. I need to completely disassociate myself from scale and concentrate fully on eating for health. I owe it to myself, my family and my Mom! I promised it to her and she never thought I would deliver. And I didn't when she was still here but I have to do it. I am pushing 40, a very dangerous age for a man. My body was forgiven but how long can it forgive my abuse??? I must change!

My marriage to medifast has ended!

After many attempts to reconcile our relationship I unilaterally decided to end my relationship with a great company called medifast. I spent thousands of dollars on this program but didn't manage to successfully follow through. And after thousands of dollars and wasted opportunities I have no other choice but call it quits. And the biggest reason being is that I can't simply afford any more. I was naive and stubborn into thinking I can make it work. But I couldn't. So losing my job seemed paramount sadness at the time and in this uncertain economy. But fear was always my biggest obstacle to overcome. Fear of dying prevented me from living fully, fear of failing prevented me from succeeding, fear of losing prevented me from gaining. So fear I must concur. And this is the next chapter of my life. I lost a job because I needed to start a new life. And hopefully it will be a blessing. As far as my diet is concerned I am going to the basics and employ my old friend low carb lifestyle. And it must be a lifestyle.

Current weight around 267 . I will blog more just to keep track and I hope I still have some following.

Dear blog!

Dear body of mine! I am deeply sorry for using you as an experiment and human trash machine. You did let me know on numerous occasions that you had enough but I refused to listen. And even after all this abuse you are still giving me a chance even though I feel I am running out of time and your patience threshold. Therefore I am really serious this time to do my ver best to treat you with respect and care that you so deserved over the years! I am really grateful to you for being so forgiven!

Dear God I made promise after promise to you and Mom that I kept breaking. I feel terrible about it. Please forgive me and give me strength to do what I know I need to do deep in my heart! Please save me from myself when I am on a wrong path and I need you more then ever! I know you create every human with purpose. I know that you don't create junk so I don't want to turn your creation into junk either. I ate tons and loads of junk over the years but with your guidance and Moms love I can do it!

Dear warriors, I thank you all for supporting me in my times of hardships and not giving up on me!

For the first time in a long time I managed to stay somewhat fully on plan yesterday! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaapy! I threw away my expensive Tanita scale. I mean I placed it visibly in the garbage so someone else may find a more productive use for it. I have wii that I will use from time to time to see where my weight is but I want other markers and most importunely my health to guide me in my journey as far as success goes. Thank you for being here!

I now weight 275 pounds! Horrible!

Yesterday I also found out that my unemployment application was denied which is a huge bummer given the market and amount of bills I have. Fortunately I will move in with my sister while renting my house to keep up with mortgage. It's tough but I wanna learn to cope with emotional pin by not abusing my body with junk. It doesn't help! Only gives you split minute instant gratification but then.......

For the first time in a very long time I was able to turn this bad news into something positive. Oh yeah, I felt weak and lost for a few minutes. Scared, off course. After all I do have an expensive new car lease, a mortgage and few credit cards payments that I must keep up with. I also need to pay for my dentis and health benefits. But I managed to collect myself and use the emotional pain of uncertainties and fear turn into a triumph of victory for at least one day. And if I can do it for one day, I can do it for two! And if I can do it for two I can keep on going until I do it daily in the name of health! It's worth much more then thenother alternative!

Ouch!

Ouch, ouch, ouch! I went to the dentist thi s morning at 11 and he was done with me at 2. he pulled the remaining of the tooth or more like q stubborn root and placed two implants. He was ruthless. I mean the tooth, dentist too by the way! I am in paaaaaaaaaain! And the lesson I learnt is to never ever ever see the YouTube video of how implants are done before the procedure. The dentist kept saying he never saw anyone receive so much anesthesia and still be in pain. He cut my gums with a blade...... Sorry girls! He gave me vicodin but I didn't take it. I hate meds. But I am taking antibiotics. On a positive note I can't eat for two days he said, lol. He said hard food though but I don't think I will eat anything. Just thinking about food makes me cringe. Is it true girls that tooth ache is wormy then pregnancy contraction? If so I don't think it's that bad, lol, at least it's manageable.. Ouch, ouch, ouch... What a he'll?! My pain again..... Ok, gotta go sleep it off. Later gang!

Did anyone notice I was gone?

Vadim Chernov
I am sad! I weighted in this morning and it's 260! I gained a whooping 14 pounds in two weeks by binging my way out of medifast. But I learnt few new lessons and I relearnt old ones.
First, I am going to go to the OA meetings. I am an addict and there is no other way to put it. I am addicted to carbs and for me one is too many 100 is not enough. When I get in that mood my brain seems to just turn into an addiction mode and it becomes a wild ride where I eat a ton of garbage and I eat until I physically can't any more.

So my plan is:
1. Accept that I have a compulsive overeating disorder and seek help for it
2. Stick with medifast and in case of crisis eat extra protein and extra snack or eat sunflower seeds so I can both stay in ketosis and satisfy that oral fixation.
3. Not to dwell on my weaknesses and fight them but instead work with my strength.
4. Start seriously incorporating journaling my feelings.
5. Never ever, ever, ever, ever think I can eat a piece of cookie or just an ice cream and stop there. I simply can't eat them at all! Just like a person with severe allergic reaction wouldn't eat something they are allergic to I must retrain my brain to accept that I am allergic to junk food and bad carbs. Period! End of story! I simply can't eat it!

6. Pray!
7. Drink more water!
8. Go to sleep before 11 pm!

So here is my plan moving forward so help me guys help myself and help me God be my best!
Like · · Unfollow Post · 2 seconds ago

Angry update!

I am angry, I will not allow my self-destructive twin to hold me prisoner any more! I just don't comprehend how easy it is for me to go back to my old ways once I am unhappy about something. I simply crumble like a cheap cookie and hide my emotions in junk food. It's not happening any more, at least for a while. I am on this weight loss crusade for my Mom who wanted to see me in shape. And if I can't do it for me I will do it for her. I seem to sabotage my efforts as soon as something goes against what I perceive should be the result. So without further damage this is my damage control plan:

1. Throw away my expensive scale. At least take the batteries out and stop weighing every day. I will do the same with my wii. Weigh in will only be done on a once a week basis.

2. Drink lots of water and not sugary diet iced tea.

3. Have all my medifast meals before 8 pm and have only lean protein with non-starch veggies after 8 pm.

4. Start some kind of physical activities after one full week of keto adaptation.

5. Stop reinventing wheels when I jump off the bandwagon so to speak. I tend to stop working the plan every time I go off the program. I will work the plan and continue on it even if and when I get off which happens from time to time.


I was doing quite well this week until I stepped on a wii scale Monday night and found out I was 6 pounds heavier then Sunday. And I followed the program that day. So instead of rationalizing the gain as simply water weight I decided to get frustrated and shove my face in a lot of carb loaded pita with cheese. It wouldn't be so bad but it continue the next day. I decided since I cheated and went off medifast the prudent thing to do was to fast for a day. And I did. But when I came back home after work I had this urge to peek at the scale to see if I lost all that extra weight form a night before. Instant gratification you know! And when I stepped on a scale it only showed a weight loss of two pounds and I was still four pounds or so heavier then on Sunday. So I did the next horrible thing I knew. I pigged out. And this time it was even worth then pita with cheese. I did feel a bit better afterwards, lol . But this morning I am bloated again and out of ketosis. And I weigh 257 pounds which is a net gain of five pounds since Sunday. I must reside my brain and change the way I look at things. It has been a loop long time coming. I am still ok with my efforts lately. After all I did manage to lose more then 20 pounds recently. But it's not enough. I must continue working the plan to get healthier and I am not exactly 25 any more to allow for these crazy fluctuations and body experiments. So starting today I am not weighing myself daily and will continue on medifast as best as I can and I know I am capable when I put my best efforts.

Update time!

Here is my poor attempt at starting a videoblog! I guess its a work in progress lol