My spirit is crushed, my resolved is shaken up and I am cirtainly at a crossroad of some sort!

I just binged and it was devastating. I ate so much sugar loaded crap that my heart is jumping out of my heart. The worst part of it all that for the first time in my adult life I was feeling sorry for myself! I was sitting on the stairs and jsut eating my pain away knowing well how pathetic I really am. I had a horrific day at work, so bad it is even painful to remember. I had to endure the embarrasing, harrasing and bullish behaviour from my boss. I swallowed my pride and let her have her way. I kept reminding myself that she is pregnant. She comes from a very military family and any deviation from her orders she considers subordination. I have had enouph with that crap. I attempted to tell her that dealing with student organization requires flexibility not stiff and dry dead ends. She said that I wasnt there to give my opinions but to listen to her and do it her way since she is my boss. We kept getting back and force and I finally decided to leave her office. She demanded that I came back since she wasnt finished. I did. At that point she started to crush me saying all kind of nasty things. At that point aphone rang and I said " Excuse me I have to pick it up. It was my doctor calling about my blood results. After I hanged up the phone she said that I was being extreamly unprofessional> I told her that it was my doctor and it was kind of emergency at which point she yelled " Ask me if I care?' I just turned around and left. I am sure tomorrow morning I will be contacted by an administrator and other so called hierchy. Oh well! It hurts to know that people who you thought were nice and caring are fake and dont give a damn. But I must figure out a way to commit to a low carb and do it once and for all! I must, must, must! It is well overdue, I have to start treating my body with care and love that it so deserves! I dont know, its getting frustrating. Harry and Jo, I cant express enouph gratitude from the bottom of my heart how much I appreciate your support. It trully feels good to know that you guys are there in good and bad! Thanks!

I dont know what to say at this point!

I had a relaxing weekend and drank a lot. I havent drank for a looooooooong time and quit smoking a while back too. But being an emotional person always required some kind of vent out. That role has been given to either food or smoking. Since I stopped smoking, food has become a friend at times of stress. And wrong food that is as we all know. Last night I was stressed out over my blood test result. My doctor informed me that my potassium level was up along with blood urine nitrogen level. He is concerned it might be decreased kidney function and advised me to stop low carbing for at least a while. He has always been a low carb critic. So I ate and ate and ate out of frustration! And wrong food that is as we all know. I will not listen to anyone any more, I will eat natural food and stop protein shakes for a while. I will stop eating all the wrong food that I know and you know and even my doctor knows is bad. So whatever it is I will try to keep sharing with you guys. I dont know what tomorrow will bring on many levels. I am having lots of arguments and dead end tasks from my boss. She is pregnant and out of control. I cant reason with her any more. She has driven me insane. I keep it all inside and given the fact that she is pregnant does preclude me from opening my big mouth. So I am taking a high road. But situation is hitting up. She gave me a bad performance evaluation and that sucks a lot. I have lots of students vouch for me and support me, which is the most important thing, but I might still start looking for a way out. I cant stand being miserable and stressed out at work. its like a bad marriage! But what am I to do? I have bills to pay and obligations to see through. Who knows, I am sure the answer is there!

Saturday party!

It was my frind's Bday party last night. I had a bit too much to drink. I drank almost a full bottle of vodka and had too much of a good time. I havent had a relaxing time in a while, so I guess once I started drinking and having a good time I just continued to roll. I was eating relatively low carb until deserts came along. i did indulge myself a bit too much in cheesecake even though I stopped at one slice. Well not stressing about it. I and my friends are having another big party tonight at the sauna, so there are tons of beers served. I will abstain from drinking today. Last night was enouph. I did have a good time and m body seemed to not resist. Anyway, hope all yo guys are doing ok on your journey!

I still did 10, 000 steps yesterday, 10, 435 exactly!

Friday menu!

i am still eating plenty of food. I have no idea where my calories or my weight is at the momnet. But thats not important at the moment. whats important is to get my body on track and acclimated with low carb lifestyle again. I promised to stay on this liberal plan for a month. I will monitor the results sometime in middle of March to see how I am doing weightwise. may be then I will start to tweak my eating a bit to fascilitate weight loss.

Steps= 24800

food= Plenty! 2 cups of full-fat cootage cheese with lots of silvered nuts, organic wild small blueberries( trader joe, awesome taste) and Truivia. Lots of steamed zuchini, brocoli and mushroom with shirataki noodles with Wasabi mayo. 1 cup buttermilk; 5 oz mixed cheeses;

Stop sign, aint it symbolic!

I have been overworked, overfed, undernurished and sleep deprived for the past few months! Today I had to get up really early to help at the office I work in the morning. So it was an 18 hour day for me. In the middle of the day I decided to walk around the golf park between two jobs. I walked 4 laps which is 2 miles each. I was feeling good except my brain was kind of on autopilot. After my second lap I abruptly stopped at the stop sign as though I was driving. Then it hit me, oh shit my brain is on auto-pilot. It hit me then that it might so be that all my recent symptoms were a compilation of different unhealthy behaviour. My body finally hadf enouph and let me know about it. And low carb induction was an added fuel! I am on day 5 now and today was by far the better day yet! I was feeling better! I did eat a lot though but I did work a lot too. Still doing ok!


Steps= whooping 27, 120 which equals to about 13 miles of walking, not bad!


Food= 1 cup od cottage chees with silvered almonds, few blueberries, sour cream and Truvia ( very good ) ; 1 protein shake; shirataki noodles with chicken sausage link and sauteed mushrooms; 4 oz of mixed cheeses: 6 oz chicken breast with roasted pepper and 1oz fresh mozarella with basil: 3 oz fried chicken wings;

Wednesday menu!

Today I ate a bit more than I needed. but still doing low carb. It is so effortless and easy that I wonder how and why I would ever get off! But dont want to wake up the Satan, so shhhhhhhhhhh! I love the idea of not having a scale and being obsessed with the numbers too! I am still having this weird palpitations and stomack discomfort, but a bit better today. I am really staring to think its anxiety related or vago-vasal response due to GERD and reflex. I didnt have it before but do now. I will have to monitor more closely what causes it. I am noticeing cheese and eggs are doing it. Cottage cheese and nuts are not!

Steps=16,150


Food: 1 cup full fat cottage cheese with almonds, blueberries, sour cream, truvia and cocoa ( awesome! ); 6 oz turkey leg meat; 5 oz lox; 3 oz salami; 2 oz turkey breast; 1 serving shirataki noodles with chicken sausage link and sauteed mushrooms; 2 oz of Gylian sugar-free chocolate;

Oy Wey! Nit gooskiy! I am feeling soooooooooo not ok!

I have no idea whats going on with me, but it aint fun! All day today I continued to have spasmnatic lower stomach, accompanied by weird arrhytmic heart. I was scared to say the least. Every time the spasm came on I felt like passing out. My heart was beating way too fast, skipped beats. It felt like Hell! I went to see my doctor. He thinks it might be some sort of spasmatic intestines followed by severe panick attack. He did few tests and sent me for tons more. Meanwhile I was told to start taking Paxil. I will wait to see first. Not too crazy about paxil. May be I should meditate, pray and relax!

I am still comitted to blogging and still on low carb, despite feeling sick!

Steps= 15,975

Food: 4 eggs; 1 tablespoon guacomole; 1 protein shake; 2 scoops egg salad, 3 oz salami, 3 oz roasted beef, 2 oz swiss cheese, 1 cup cottage cheese, 1 oz almonds, 1 tablespoon sour cream; 6 oz lox