Today seemed to be a culmination of the past few days. I have kept my feelings totally hidden and it totally backfired on me. I felt like a cooker pressure with the whole world comin in on me. Last night seeing my Mom in such an excruciating pain and not being able to do a damn thing about was simply killing me from inside out. At one point the world was to believed to be flat or held by four elephants. Well, since the beginning of my life my Mom was those four elephants. She has been my best friend, my source of inspiration and I love her so very much. I am totally unequipped when it comes to seeing her being so fragile and weak. She had always been such a strong woman, a total backbone of the whole family. I never considered myself a momy's boy and she didnt spoil me even though I am the youngest one. Yes she still does treat me as a baby, but what mom doesnt! And yes my dad always said I am still on my mom's breast, lol, but I disagree! I and my father never got along. I love him a lot but we never see eye to eye on anything. He ran away from his mom's house when he was 13 and has been on his own ever since. But times were different then, it was in the midst of World War 2 and hunger. So he is a total survivor, a total maverick. Last night I and him had an altercation and he called me a disappointment. I felt crushed! He said had I had a family now and kids my mom would have probably be more at peace! I ran out of the house and for the first time in two years felt like smoking again! But I didnt and damn proud of it! But all that I had spinnining in my head were the words of my father! I felt like I had failed not only him but my ex-girlfriend who aborted my kid blaming me for it, my mother for not being a better son, my job. I just wanted to disappear! I never felt more lonely in my life. I was angry at myself, at my dad, at god at the whole wide world! I had the biggest urge to just drive away in a far, far away and start my life from scratch. But I knew it wouldnt happen, and plus its very difficult to run away from oneself! So this morning, being sleep deprived and mentally drained I created a perfect storm where my body just gave up! But I am now prepared to finally see professional help. I cant deal with it alone. For the longest time I kept denying help and postponing it. Where I come from its considered a total sign of weakness and despair. But screw stupid stereotypes and prejudices, I am not a teenager any more even though I do act like one at times. Again, I want to thank you for your support and care in this difficult time. This is what happened today. I had a total nervous break down! But I still pushed on with the program and managed to do fine on day 1 of blogger vs blogger chgallenge/
My starting weight= 227 pounds! I will take measurements tomorrow! I also had a flue shot today, never had it before.
Here is what I ate:
1 pm- 3 boiled eggs with 3 hot dogs and small tomato
4 pm- blueberry power up shake
7 pm- blueberry power up shake
9 pm- power up shake
Lots of super green cranberry tea for Trader Joe which I happen to like a lot. It didnt list caffeine as ingredient even though it might have some. But its really good.