Thursday, October 1, 2009

Today seemed to be a culmination of the past few days. I have kept my feelings totally hidden and it totally backfired on me. I felt like a cooker pressure with the whole world comin in on me. Last night seeing my Mom in such an excruciating pain and not being able to do a damn thing about was simply killing me from inside out. At one point the world was to believed to be flat or held by four elephants. Well, since the beginning of my life my Mom was those four elephants. She has been my best friend, my source of inspiration and I love her so very much. I am totally unequipped when it comes to seeing her being so fragile and weak. She had always been such a strong woman, a total backbone of the whole family. I never considered myself a momy's boy and she didnt spoil me even though I am the youngest one. Yes she still does treat me as a baby, but what mom doesnt! And yes my dad always said I am still on my mom's breast, lol, but I disagree! I and my father never got along. I love him a lot but we never see eye to eye on anything. He ran away from his mom's house when he was 13 and has been on his own ever since. But times were different then, it was in the midst of World War 2 and hunger. So he is a total survivor, a total maverick. Last night I and him had an altercation and he called me a disappointment. I felt crushed! He said had I had a family now and kids my mom would have probably be more at peace! I ran out of the house and for the first time in two years felt like smoking again! But I didnt and damn proud of it! But all that I had spinnining in my head were the words of my father! I felt like I had failed not only him but my ex-girlfriend who aborted my kid blaming me for it, my mother for not being a better son, my job. I just wanted to disappear! I never felt more lonely in my life. I was angry at myself, at my dad, at god at the whole wide world! I had the biggest urge to just drive away in a far, far away and start my life from scratch. But I knew it wouldnt happen, and plus its very difficult to run away from oneself! So this morning, being sleep deprived and mentally drained I created a perfect storm where my body just gave up! But I am now prepared to finally see professional help. I cant deal with it alone. For the longest time I kept denying help and postponing it. Where I come from its considered a total sign of weakness and despair. But screw stupid stereotypes and prejudices, I am not a teenager any more even though I do act like one at times. Again, I want to thank you for your support and care in this difficult time. This is what happened today. I had a total nervous break down! But I still pushed on with the program and managed to do fine on day 1 of blogger vs blogger chgallenge/

My starting weight= 227 pounds! I will take measurements tomorrow! I also had a flue shot today, never had it before.

Here is what I ate:

1 pm- 3 boiled eggs with 3 hot dogs and small tomato

4 pm- blueberry power up shake

7 pm- blueberry power up shake

9 pm- power up shake

Lots of super green cranberry tea for Trader Joe which I happen to like a lot. It didnt list caffeine as ingredient even though it might have some. But its really good.


Anonymous said...

I think getting professional help is a great idea. It can only help you and you need it with family members such as your father!!! (mine is about the same plus add a dose of crazy)

Your father is wrong. Your mom IS at peace with who you are, she is in pain from her disease, but that doesnt have anything to do with you.

That is sad about your ex girlfriend, but you could not control her or what she did and must leave any guilt about that behind.

Its hard to watch your mom in pain, but even if you cant help her pain, you help by just being there.

Do you know what every mom wants to hear?

Its not "I'm getting married" or "we're having kids".

The thing all mothers want to hear their kids say is "I'm happy and I love you!"

Thats all! Your happiness is the great gift you can give to anyone.

So tell her that and if she wasnt at peace before, she will be at peace then for sure.

~Oct said...

Vadim, I'm saying a prayer for your mom and for you too. Such tough times forge us into the adults we are destined to become. Tears and despair are part of being human. I said some very venomous things to God when my dad was crying out in pain and confusion and trying to fight off the nurses and the men they called in to help restrain him in the hospital. You'll see the sun come through on the other side of this someday.

Vadim said...

Thank you guys for your kind words and support!

Anonymous said...

There is nothing wrong with getting professional help. You are going through a lot right now. Your dad is wrong saying that about your mom, She's in pain because of her illness. I'll bet that he's feeling distraught and took it out on you because you were there to take it out on.

You can make it on this program, I know you can. It's so easy, just keep the goal in mind.

I forgot to post my starting weight on last night's post, so I will tell you here. My starting weight was 283.

I will read the book this weekend.