Friday, December 5, 2008


God speaks in silence! I hear him now all over my soul! I was tired coming home from work. Not tired physically but more like drained emotionally! I failed again and this time it is eating me alive. My whole foundation has shaken. It is such a struggle to just admit this strategy hasnt worked, and just give it up. But for some reasons I couldnt just abandon this challenge. I kept asking " why? What is it that makes me so damn stubborn! For the first time I just closed my eyes and asked God for answers! No, I didnt even ask, I just invited silence! I always disliked meditation, massages and all sort of things that relax me! I couldnt stand being relaxed, being calm , being still! I was known as a crazy, hyper guy! But today I was ready for silence! Silence, even if it meant just closing my eyes for a minute and think nothing, say nothing, just listen for the silence! And as weird as it might be I just broke down in tears. Out of the blue tears just rolled down my eyes. And at the end I felt better! And I got my answers! I felt so relieved, yet so scared! I knew why I was so stubborn to just give it up. This challenge wasnt about weight loss or fat cells or muchiness. It was about my whole life, my past relationships, my mistakes, my failed expectations. Consciously I am just a big, strong guy, but subconsciously I am weak, lonely and full of doubts! I felt like a failure so many times in my life, yet I was never to talk about it. It was taboo to even admit it to myself, forget about others. And today, not only I am admitting it to myself, but to others who are listening! I put up a great fasade, a defense fence to shiled me from pain and sufferings. Hence the inability to relax, failed relationships, gained weight. Was I really that hungry at nights or was it that I was feeding my pain and loneliness and failures. I didnt know why would it happen at night?Now I know. What does night represent? Calmness, quietness, silence! And why was I so afraid and uncomftable of meditation, massage and all relaxation things? Because it represented what a night stood for, same things! I wasnt ready to look deep inside my soul and admit that I needed some big, major changes. It was change I was afraid of all along. It was easy, comftable and convenient to just put up a fence and eat my way to sleep. Then next day, long crazy hours, running around, eating lots of junk. Then more running, more eating and more running! Everything to escape the silence! Silence I was not ready to deal with! And when silence came rolling around I attemted to chase it away with FOOOOOOOD! I dont know what tomorrow will bring. I dont know if I will start changing! Is it time for me to get off this challenge and just admit I failed to only begin a new challenge? I dont know. I dont want to give up. Too many times I ran away to only realize it is very hard to run away when the person who I am running away from is staring me right back in the mirrow every morning that I shave. May be thats why I havent shaved for the past 5 days! Getting off this challenge means everyhting and nothing! If you change the way you look at things, things you look at change! But am I ready to change the way I llok at things? I am so sick and tired being touph all the time, running around, not being able to relax. On one hand I think change I am ready for. But on the other change I am ready to run from. My heart is full of love and at times I feel I am ready to love and be loved. I cant stand being lonely. Yes I have lots of friends, supportive family and great job. But I dont have the love, the love that I so much need and crave! Love for myself first and foremost! So today I made a first step! Will there be a second, third or 100 th? I surely hope so! But I will take it one day at the time and one meal as well! I am just so blessed to have found this website! I am thankful to Jimmy and to all of you guys for so much support! You are a great bunch of people, you dont judge , you dont redicule! You support and try to help! I appreciate it more then any words can say! This was the day! We will see what tomorrow will bring!

10 am-
3 packages of Russel Stove chcolate covered almonds, peanuts and caramel ( I felt like Energizer Vadim and Bunny together, lol I was running and running and running!)
= 1200 calories

4 pm-
6 oz ground chicken = 300 calories

6 pm-
2 scoopes of whey protein= 150 cal
1 glass of water
2 tablespoon of flax= 60 clories

8 pm-
6 oz turkey breast= 350 calories
1 hot dog= 200 calories
2 tablespoon of mayo= 300 calories

1 am-
1.5 cup of cottage cheese= 280 calories
Devinchi syrip 1 oz= o calories
1 cup of blueberries= 70 cal
3 fried ags in olive oil= 350 calories
4 oz chicken cuttlet= 250 calories
2 oz turkey breast= 100 calories



Anonymous said...

You can do it Vaddy! Don't give up, you may have to change your goals, but so what! The only thing constant in life is change. Be a stubborn as you want but be stubborn in a way to help yourself, not fight yourself.

Harry said...

We all have our own paths to walk, Vadim.

For me, it feels like getting my diet in order may very well help me get other aspects of my life in better order.

I've been thinking a lot about this lately. And, I know how absurd that notion may seem to some. But, it appears to be accurate in my case.

Changing your diet can help your relationships, your career, your spiritual life? Am I nuts? Perhaps.

I can completely understand those who find success in their diets after addressing the core reasons for their excessive eating. I get that too. It just never worked for me personally.

So, here you are asking important questions and receiving valuable answers. I can only tell you that I'll hope for the best for you no matter what approach you decide to take.

The most important thing is that you get well. No matter how you decide to do that.

I know I need more silence in my life as well. And, like you, silence scares me. I crave distractions.

You did a brave thing tonight, Vadim. In asking God for help and guidance and sharing your experience with all of us.

Thank you for that. I hope tonight will bring you a restful nights sleep.

Vadim said...

I dont know what to say so for the first time in a long time I will be brief. Thank you both from the bottom of my big heart! A kind word said in time is what makes us all so human! Sadekat I owe you a big russian, and unless you hugged a russian before you are missing a lot. Oh God what am I saying you are married to a Turkish guy, they surely know how to hug as well. I heard it from my ex, her boyfriend before was Turkish guy. I took her word for it. Harry, as always your coomets like a butter for my eggs, did I just say it? I meant your comments are always smooht, creamy and appreciated anf always so warm and buttery like> Sadekat your comments are always like cocoa in my protein shake, energizing and give me a kick in my butt! So much for few words! Ok time to bed, I have really been sleep deprived this week. The most I have gotten this week was may be 4 hours a night!

NewVision said...

When I read your blog, I stopped right then and there and sent up a lil prayer for you. I hope you find peace. I think you are on the brink of a big break through in your life. Just let it come Vadim, don't fight it.
Being sleep deprived myself this week, some of the emotional things could be coming from that. I know I am WAY more emotional when I'm lacking sleep. ALSO, I'm WAY more likely to overeat and eat things I shouldn't.
Let's be honest here, your menu still look pretty LC to me. Maybe more calories than you would like, but you STILL have a seat on this LC wagon. You haven't by no means fallen off and gotten ran over. You need to come on over here and take a set between me and Harry. I'll hold on from one side and Harry can hold on to the other. We will put Erika at your feet so you won't fall over backward. Sadekat can be our look out for those bumps in the road, warn us when we need to hold tighter. Now Vadim, we have a TIGHT grip on you. We are here for you and won't let you fall. You can feel safe. Lay your head down on our shoulders and take a much needed rest my friend.

Tomorrow is a new day. I would suggest taking a look at your menus and seeing if there is something in there that would cause cravings or over eating. Make sure there are no hidden sugars or carbs. Take a real close look at the whey protein. Could it be causing some kind of trigger. They have been known to cause stalls. I would try going without them for a week to see. Look at your Mayo and other condiments, any sugar in the ingredients there? If you are sensitive to those things it doesn't take a lot to do you in.

Hang in there Vadim. Your only human. (I do like that your this big ol teddy bear of a man though ;) ) Don't be so hard on yourself. We got a tight hold on ya while you get yourself some rest and figure this out.

dance said...

I love your blog and the way you are able to express yourself. You are already winning - you just don't see it yet. You're winning because you keep fighting and don't give up. Most people aren't even fighting... so see... that right there makes you special. A fighter!!

I used to have the same problem of eating at night. I fought and fought until I beat it. One thing that helped me was to start telling myself, "Hey, it's funny, I no longer care about eating at night." Even when it wasn't true, I said it. Now I barely eat anything at night... a normal meal and that's about it. Even sometimes, nothing.

Stay positive, talk kindly to yourself and keep plugging. One day you'll wake up and notice you've changed. You'll be able to say, "Wow, I remember when that was such a struggle. Now it's gone."

Just wait and see. :)

Pulling for you friend!!

Anonymous said...

A song to pump you up this morning!

Anonymous said...

I agree with all the others-you're going in a good direction. Admitting to God you need help is a good thing, I think.

Vadim said...

Thank you guys! I feel much better today, even though I still operate on avery minimum sleep. had a very busy day today. My nephew Bday and work and errands, going nuts! my nephew and i spent so much together, i am like a father figure to him. his dad works 24/ 7 and rarely spend any time with a poor fellow. he is 14 today and he always prepares for his Bday ahead of time. And now he is dating or whatevee you call it at 14 his sweet heart frined and its amazing how more mature he behaves around her.

Anonymous said...

Vadim, please look at Jimmy's menus as a way of eating for you.

I know you are happy for him that he is losing weight but what you are doing now is not a good thing.

You need real food. Real protein from meat. Real food plans.

Please, please, please, try to do this.

(This is called begging here in the US.)